A/n: Because the first part of this was starting to get long (and because I wanted to update tbh) I've decided to split chapter 6 into two parts, so here I am! A small thing I wanted to say about this (other than it's not edited as usual): I'm trying to show that Jongin has had a life outside of Kyungsoo, because I think it was overplayed in Miscalc that Jongin's whole life was Kyungsoo when that isn't necessarily true. Jongin's life seemed central around Kyungsoo in Miscalc because it was from Kyungsoo's POV, so Jongin's main existence in the story involved Kyungsoo as well. But Jongin has other friends and other relationships and other aspects of himself that are never even seen in Miscalc (like Taemin) that are still important to him and my goal in doing this rewrite is to show that there is more to Kim Jongin than just being in love with Kyungsoo. And that is why half of this chapter (as well as parts of other chapters in the past and future) is unrelated to Kaisoo at all. Despite this, I hope it will be enjoyable and insightful, etc. <3

After Halloween Kyungsoo disappeared. Jongin never saw him anymore outside of math class, which was odd because he still saw Sehun around – although the boy didn’t sit at their usual spot in the cafeteria; he was with the soccer team (aka Luhan) now, Sehun and Kyungsoo’s table taken up by other students – but Kyungsoo wasn’t with him. It seemed that their group had split up for some reason; Jongin still saw the older boy, Joonmyun, around too, now hanging out with a small group of bookwormish kids in the senior grades. But not with Kyungsoo; because Kyungsoo had ceased to exist beyond the single period of math class in Jongin’s life. Jongin wondered what had happened between them all, but mostly he was curious about just where Kyungsoo was during most of the school day.

Within a week of Kyungsoo not showing up in the cafeteria, Jongin started searching the halls for him. This didn’t result in much; for days Jongin couldn’t get sight of him in the morning, between classes or after school, regardless of how early he got there. Even when he rushed to his locker after class and waited around until he made himself late for his next class just watching Kyungsoo’s locker the entire break, the boy didn’t make an appearance. Had he moved lockers? But then, why the heck would he? And Jongin was pretty sure that wasn’t actually allowed anyway.

It probably took Jongin a little too long to notice that Kyungsoo was bringing his bag to class with him every day, and then a little longer to put it together that he wasn’t going to his locker because his books were in his backpack. So Kyungsoo was just going from class to class. Too bad I don’t know his schedule. Although Jongin bet if he really wanted, he could figure it out somehow; but he didn’t want to harass Kyungsoo to get it. Besides, it probably wouldn’t look good if he started asking around for things about the other anyway.

So Jongin decided to go out and look for Kyungsoo on his own. Every day he dismissed himself from his friends at lunch, claiming he was going to study for a project he didn’t have only to wander through the halls (and pray his friends wouldn’t come out and see him) searching for the whereabouts of Do Kyungsoo. He scoured the unoccupied classrooms but came up empty; Kyungsoo wasn’t under staircases or at the end of unused hallways, in the science labs or even the backrooms of classes (which students weren’t supposed to go in anyway, but teachers weren’t in there either at lunch break, and Jongin could see Kyungsoo risking it to have a good hiding spot). After three days of lost lunches in the name of a guy who didn’t even care that he existed, Jongin still couldn’t find Kyungsoo. And then finally he caught a lucky break.

It was probably extremely obvious that the smartest kid in their school would seek refuge in the library, but sometimes the obvious things went over Jongin’s head. (He, after all, was not the smartest kid in their school. Also, he liked to avoid the library because the library meant work, so he tended to blot its existence from his mind.) As it were, Jongin was amazingly lucky when, as he was heading to his locker at the beginning of the lunch period, he spotted Kyungsoo slipping inside the library through the herd of students trying to escape it. Oh! Duh. Jongin paused in his step, a feeling of warmth rushing through him, and he was strongly tempted to skip lunch altogether and head straight to the library. He was only given about a second to consider this before he felt someone pushing by him and had to return his attention back to where he was going. For the next fifteen minutes – from reaching his locker to trying not to rush through his lunch while vaguely paying attention to what his friends were talking about – Jongin’s heart was squeezing itself in his chest, mind focused only on the room too far away that was holding the boy he shouldn’t be thinking about.

When he finished eating he couldn’t even manage to act reluctant about leaving, nor did he care what his friends thought about his mood as he went. Jongin wasn’t worried about whether or not they would follow him; his feet were hurrying him in the direction he wanted to go almost of their own accord. Only at the library door did he freeze, wondering what the hell he was doing before shaking his head and letting himself in. I want to see him. I’m not missing him over stupid nerves.

(He refused to think about the fact that he felt nervous about seeing Kyungsoo. There was way too much behind it that he wasn’t going to torture himself over; the fact that he never got nervous around people unless they were either really scary or he really liked them – and he hadn’t felt the latter in too long towards anyone. Sure, he got butterflies and things, but the whole tight-chest, stomach-churning feeling rarely struck. And Jongin didn’t want to think about being in love with Kyungsoo; he wasn’t sure he wanted to be in love with Kyungsoo. Why did he have to lose his head for the people he could never have? No, he didn’t want to think about all of that.)

The library was mostly empty, only two or three people sitting at the tables spread around the room, none of whom were Kyungsoo. Jongin moved through the room slowly, feeling the librarian’s eyes on him and heading for the bookshelves to seem inconspicuous. His heart was racing by the time he made it to the shelves, as if this was somehow an immensely exciting adventure instead of just him trying to find someone in the library. But for one thing, it felt like he had some secret mission here that he was trying to hide from the librarian (sometimes Jongin’s mind was over-imaginative, okay?) and for another, he couldn’t actually find Kyungsoo, which was both thrilling and frustrating. He was just expecting the older to come out in some dramatic fashion, like when the villain suddenly popped out in movies and there was the whole intense showdown and everything. (Except Kyungsoo wasn’t the villain and Jongin’s life was sadly not cool enough to be a movie. The lack of background soundtrack proved this.)

Of course, Kyungsoo did not show up in any movie-like manner. He wasn’t showing up at all, and it was sort of a letdown because Jongin had seen him come in here, but that didn’t mean he had to have stayed, but Jongin had been hoping he had finally found Kyungsoo’s hideout. Jongin moved through the shelves, thinking over other obvious places that Kyungsoo would go, almost not noticing someone in one of the aisles as he began to walk towards them and – oh hey, it was Kyungsoo.

Jongin froze on the spot, breath catching in his throat. Very suddenly he felt like he wanted to run away, but he was apparently glued to the ground and could move neither forwards nor back for a good five seconds. He eventually got his feet to obey him, stepping back out of the aisle and standing at the end of the bookshelf, out of sight, suppressing the urge to grab his chest as it felt like his heart was going to beat itself right out of him. Why? Why are you doing this to me? He had definitely built up too much anticipation around this moment, and of course when he was least expecting it Kyungsoo showed up. Jongin could almost hear the sudden, epic music sounding in his ears. (He needed to stop watching so many movies.)

When the moment passed and Jongin pulled himself together – telling himself off for being such a child and actually considering running off after all the work he’d gone through to get here – he slid back into the aisle and approached Kyungsoo, despite being unable to pull together his usual confidence. Whether Kyungsoo was ignoring him or genuinely hadn’t noticed he was there didn’t really matter to Jongin as he bent down beside the older, watching Kyungsoo for a few seconds as the boy remained immersed in whatever he was reading (the book looked old, so Jongin assumed it was a history book, because that had always made sense in his mind) before speaking up.

“Hey hyung,” he offered softly, and then was stunned as too-pretty eyes flew up to meet his, a frown quickly furrowing into Kyungsoo’s brow. Even when Kyungsoo looked away quickly after, Jongin was shocked speechless, some small part of his mind admiring – in a weird way – the ability he had to make Kyungsoo look so displeased so quickly (and desperately struggling to hold on to the split-second image of his face before it had scrunched up). When Kyungsoo didn’t say anything – although Jongin didn’t give him much time to speak – Jongin offered, “This is where you go then?” And when the older continued to stare blankly, he added, “I hardly see you at lunch anymore.”

At this Kyungsoo frowned further, the look he gave Jongin bordering a glare. “I’m surprised you noticed I was missing. Guess you have to keep tabs on the kids you wanna beat up though, huh?”

What? Since when did he want to beat up Kyungsoo? He didn’t really beat up anyone – except maybe his friends, but that was always playfully. Honestly, Jongin was one of the least violent members in his friends’ circle; Kris, Chanyeol, and Jongdae definitely had him beat there anyway. He only got bad when he snapped, but it took a lot to push him to aggression. So he didn’t understand why Kyungsoo would think that about him… “I never-”

He didn’t get the chance to defend himself because now Kyungsoo was glaring at him, looking thoroughly unimpressed. “Don’t pretend. We aren’t friends Jongin.” Jongin couldn’t control his eyes from falling to Kyungsoo’s mouth when he said his name. Amazing how a simple, essentially meaningless sound attributed to me can have such an effect when it comes from those lips. “We never have been.”

Ouch. Jongin felt like pouting, despite the fact that it was sort of true. Outside of that project they’d done together and the day after Jongin’s party that one time, the two had never spent time together or even really held a conversation (until now). Was it too much to ask for that to change?

But no, Kyungsoo had no interest in holding a relationship with him in any way. That much was quite clear from the blatantly annoyed look the older was giving him, and Jongin realized he should have known better. When had it ever been any different between them? He sighed in disappointment, wondering why he had ever allowed himself to convince himself again that he had a shot with this guy. I thought we had already accepted that it wasn’t happening.

I know. “And you wouldn’t want to be,” he said, more to himself than to Kyungsoo. “You wouldn’t hang out with me if I asked. I know.” I know, but I still want to. I want you. Jongin opened his mouth to say something, but then paused, thinking against it. Just give it up Jongin. But he couldn’t stop himself, even if he knew he was only setting himself up for disappointment. “Would you even consider it?”

“No,” Kyungsoo answered immediately, and that made it set in for Jongin. There wasn’t a single doubt in Kyungsoo’s face or in the single, heartless word. And that was all Jongin needed.

Reluctantly, he stood, hesitating for a moment before taking his leave, heart sinking somewhere into the bottoms of his feet and making it hard to lift them to even walk. Mind submerging in disappointment, Jongin dragged himself miserably back to the cafeteria where his friends remained just where he had left them. He took his seat in silence, not bothering to look at any of them (and therefore missing their questioning glances his way).

“You’re back already?” Chanyeol shot at him, and Jongin just shrugged his shoulders weakly in response.

“What happened to you?” Jongdae prodded beside him. “You seemed like you couldn’t get away from us fast enough earlier, are you that disappointed to be back already?” he teased. When Jongin didn’t give any reply, Jongdae nudged him. “Seriously, did you get rejected by the librarian or something?”

“Gross,” Jongin mumbled, hitting the older half-heartedly.

“I thought you were off doing homework like the nerd you are,” Chanyeol put in teasingly. “Not hit on old ladies.”

“Have you been going on secret lunch dates?” Baekhyun asked suddenly, looking genuinely curious. “Meeting up with that girl, what’s her name-”

“It’s not her,” Jongin returned, feeling ready to put his head in his hands and block out his friends completely. “I wasn’t going on dates or meeting up with anyone. Can we drop this now?” He glanced to Kris in hopes of some support from their leader.

Kris nodded once. “Alright. Tell us when you want to; we’ll leave you alone about it.”

“For now,” Chanyeol tacked on, and Jongin rolled his eyes. I’m never telling you guys. I’m not even gonna bother telling Taemin about this.

The conversation changed topics, but Jongin still felt Jongdae’s eyes on him beside him. Even after several minutes of not acknowledging the older, Jongin could tell the boy was watching him, and finally he gave in and glanced Jongdae’s way, earning a grin. Out of everyone Jongin had ever met, Jongdae was probably the best at manipulating people to get what he wanted – and sometimes his tactics were really annoying.

“What?” Jongin muttered to him less than pleasantly.

“Did you get rejected?” Jongdae asked him, so casually that it took Jongin off guard. How Jongdae he say things in a way that seemed so indifferent and light-hearted, even when it was such a serious question and he was clearly interested in knowing the answer? “Because you’re totally giving off the rejected vibe, plus the look on your face right after me asking was pretty obvious.”

Jongin frowned, attempting to rearrange his features which were apparently betraying him without his notice. “I didn’t,” he lied in what he thought was a convincing manner. Jongdae of course did not look so persuaded.

“Right, of course not,” Jongdae said, barely withholding the sarcasm. “Because no one would ever reject you. Except one person, right?” Jongin looked away, refusing to acknowledge that. “Well, if you had been rejected, in theory, I would say they’re either playing hard-to-get, they’re really stupid, or you’re just not trying hard enough. Or all of the above. Because someone would have to be stupid to honestly say no to you. Also,” he added, clearly aware that Jongin was still listening even if he was acting like it was otherwise. “If you really like them, you won’t give up so easily. You are Kim Jongin after all; do you really think anyone can resist you forever?”

Maybe. “I dunno Dae,” Jongin shrugged, not feeling particularly hopeful.

“And you’re never gonna if you don’t try,” Jongdae returned. “This could be something awesome for you – for once being the one trying to get them, instead of them just falling for you like everyone else. That might mean something you know. But if you want love to always just fall in your lap, then don’t bother with whoever it is. There’s tons of other people you can have and it won’t take any effort to get them.”

At this Jongin turned back to Jongdae, raising a slightly doubtful eyebrow and earning a shrug in response as if to say, It’s true. And it was. Jongin could have anyone, more or less; he didn’t have to go after people because they would all come flocking to him if he said the word. Which, maybe that was nice, but for once he felt like doing something different; go after something he wanted, fight for it, and see where he ended up. Maybe it would all be a waste of time, but at least it would be something he hadn’t experienced before.

He grinned at Jongdae. “You know what? You’re right. I need to live a little, right?”

“I always am,” Jongdae replied with a mischievous smirk. “And yes, you really do.”

“

That afternoon, Jongin’s sister messaged him and told him she would pick him up from school, since she would be in the area and was “feeling generous” (what a wonderful sister). So when his final class ended, he met up with his friends and then waited out front of the school with Yixing while the older waited for his bus. As they stood there chatting and shivering in the cold wind, Jongin noticed Kyungsoo coming out of the building, walking just slightly past them – without giving a glance their way – and then stopping to lean up against the school. Jongin had forgotten that Kyungsoo took Yixing’s bus too, but he couldn’t help smiling as he tried not to stare too much. Kyungsoo looked so cute wrapped up in his puffy marshmallow coat, cheeks pink as though he were blushing, eyes dark as ever.

Unfortunately, Kyungsoo’s bus showed up just a couple of minutes after he did, taking both Kyungsoo and Yixing with it and leaving Jongin alone and in the cold. When they were gone, he plugged in his earphones and turned up his music, waiting less-than-patiently for his sister, who had said she would pick him up right after school. Close to ten minutes passed – Jongin checking his phone every thirty seconds or so – before her car finally pulled up and he groaned in frustrated relief.

Just as he was reaching the car, about to grab the handle of the passenger door, he noticed someone else inside and frowned. In another second the window was rolling down and his sister was saying around the other girl, “Get in loser, we’re going shopping.”

Jongin snorted, rolling his eyes and pulling out his earphones, and then froze when his sister’s friend lifted a hand to wave at him. He blinked, taking in her face and finding himself somewhat stunned.

“N-noona,” he managed, some small part of him internally cursing himself for stuttering. Don’t do this again, please. “Hi.” There was one woman in the whole world who had the ability to reduce him to a dorky, super ineloquent mess of internal goo, and he had just come face-to-face with her for the first time in – well, it had probably been months. Since his sister’s graduation, and that was almost half a year ago now.

Just as I finally find someone else, you come back into my life like it’s no big deal.

He slid into the backseat, trying to recompose himself and recover enough to maybe say something a little less lame than hi, a little more I’ve missed you and actually care that I’m seeing you again. Before he had the chance, she was looking back around her seat and smiling at him slightly.

“You’ve grown up a lot,” she said lightly, and Jongin’s sister scowled.

“Ew. Please do not hit on my brother.”

“I wasn’t,” her friend returned with a frown. “I was just saying. It’s been a while, right Jongin?” She offered him a smile again.

Jongin nodded slowly. “Yeah. You’re blonde now,” he pointed out, still a bit stunned by the hairstyle that had made her temporarily unrecognizable. “It looks nice.” Nice was an understatement, but he figured he shouldn’t overdo it. What did Jongdae always say – never trust anyone who looks good with any hair colour. Jongin had only ever seen her natural hair before, but he figured it still applied to her because she was too beautiful as a blonde.

“You know he has a huge crush on you,” Jongin’s sister put in, and Jongin was grateful that he was cold because otherwise his blush would have been very obvious.

“Used to,” Jongin corrected defensively. His now-blonde (ex!) crush just smiled further and turned back around in her seat. “Why the heck were you so late?”

“I had to pick your girlfriend up,” his sister replied casually, glancing at him in her rear-view to see him glaring back. “She took forever to do her hair. And then we stopped for coffee.” At this she reached between the front seats and held up a coffee cup, shaking it slightly.

“I’m gonna hit you,” he grumbled in response. “Did you even get me anything?”

“Nope.” He cursed her under his breath. Why were sisters so mean? And why did he have to be stuck with three of them?

In the seat ahead, Jongin’s (ex!) crush took her own drink and offered it back to him. “You can have some of mine if you want.” His head spun slightly with temptation, but he politely declined. No need to let anything renew his feelings for her – like sharing a drink she’d had on; he had a new crush to focus on now.

“I’m sure Jongin wouldn’t want his first kiss with you to be an indirect one,” his sister smirked, and he kicked the back of her seat, annoyed at how well she knew him.

“Would you shut up?” he snapped, and she merely laughed evilly in response. “You’re lucky you’re driving.” And to avoid any further torture, he turned his music back on and tuned them out for the rest of the way home.

When they got home Jongin grabbed a snack and headed right to his room, not wanting to have to be around her and his sister (well, he never wanted to be around his sisters) as much as he was dying to stay and be with her a while longer. He stayed in his room until dinner, working on homework and trying not to think about crushes and feelings and things for a couple hours. This all went out the window as soon as he sat down at the table across from his sister and her, and then he could help stealing glances as often as possible before returning his eyes to his dinner and feeling embarrassed whenever anyone (especially her) looked his way. It was an awkward meal but Jongin didn’t really mind, just happy to be there (though he was relieved to get to go back to his room again).

At the end of dinner Jongin’s sister announced her friend was sleeping over, asking them all to attempt to keep their weirdness to a minimum for the night. Jongin earned a particular look as if he were somehow the weirdest one in their family – though if he were, he blamed it on having grown up with so three sisters. Once dismissed, he headed for the basement, grabbing one of his gaming systems and lugging it upstairs, in no mood to deal with the freezing basement tonight. Back in his room, he set up the system and switched it on, pulling on his headset, locking his attention into the virtual world of violence, zombies, and idiot opponents and teammates who didn’t know what they were doing. It didn’t take long before he was yelling and swearing at the game and the other players.

It wasn’t long after that that his sister was banging on the wall in the next room over, telling him off for it. She went ignored; this was how he always was, and he was trying to reign it in since her friend was over, but he couldn’t just shut off his game rage like that. Plus, he was seriously playing with some awful players today, and he had to yell at them for their idiocy.

“What are you, twelve?!” he cried as one of his teammates accidentally blew himself up and took Jongin with him. “Seriously! Come back when your brain is developed enough to notice when a freaking bomb is right in front of your face!”

(Jongin was a bit harsh when it came to video games but in his defense, he wasn’t as mean when people actually knew how to play coherently.)

He was gradually elevating to his usual levels of video-game obnoxiousness when there was a knock on his door. It was neither an annoyed noona knock nor an exasperated parent knock – which meant either his little sister had come to see him or, more likely, his older sister had sent her friend to tell him to be quiet. Jongin felt his face growing warm as he paused the game and went over to his door, opening and finding indeed that it was her. She looked up at him, amused; he looked down, embarrassed.

“Are you having fun in here?” she asked lightly, already changed into her pajamas (although it wasn’t very late) and cute as anything. Jongin nodded slowly, sense of shame building up now that he was actually facing her and remembering that she was probably judging him as childish and annoying just like his sister did.

“Sorry for being so… rowdy,” he mumbled. “I kind of get into games too much. I’ll keep it down.”

She grinned. “I was actually gonna ask if I could join you.” Jongin blanked, staring up at her in surprise. “Your sister told me what you were playing and it’s kind of one of my favourite games at the moment,” she admitted. “Is that okay?”

Wow, excuse me while I fall in love with you all over again. As if she liked one of his favourite games. “Yeah, uh – yeah, that’s… yeah. That’s fine yeah,” he got out extremely coherently, hating himself for always being this way around her. She probably thought he was mentally challenged or something, like way to go, idiot.

“Are you usually this smooth with girls?” she asked teasingly as she slipped inside his room. He closed the door behind her, trailing behind her as she made her way to his bed.

“Usually I’m a lot better at this,” he muttered, eternally frustrated with the logic his body held – act cool around people that don’t matter, become a total loser around the one person you want to impress. This isn’t Grease, being a loser isn’t going to make her like me! “I only seem to suffer around you,” he added more softly as he took his spare controller out from his drawer of game stuff and set it up for her. His heart was thumping loudly in his ears at the thought that he was alone with her in his room, but he forced himself not to mess things up any worse here by making things awkward like that.

It didn’t really help when he turned back to her and she was lying back on his bed, looking perfectly ready for him to crawl on top of her. . He stared for a moment and then she was sitting back up innocently and looking his way with a shy smile. Feeling dizzy but refusing to give in to it, Jongin made his way to the bed and sat down, keeping several inches between them as he turned off his headset and the microphone by his television (just in case she needed to yell at anyone too).

“Do I make you suffer, Jongin?” she wondered lightly as he restarted the game.

“A bit,” he nodded. “In a good… good-bad way.”

At this she gave him a sympathetic glance. “Sorry,” she told him, reaching out and touching his arm gently. Jongin tried not to think anything of it, but it gave him goosebumps and he had to turn away from her, keeping his eyes on the screen and focusing on the game for a while.

Eventually they started talking again when he commented on how well she was doing and she admitted that she had already passed this part of the game (which, what? She was ahead of him?). Then they talked casually about favourite games, moved on to shows and movies, favourite characters, and then somehow that took them to ideal types, at which point Jongin decided it was getting late and ended the game for the night. He wasn’t tired, though, nor was he eager to get rid of her just yet, so he switched on the TV and scrolled through channels before finding a show they both liked (a re-run episode, so they weren’t paying all their attention to the TV). Before he knew it, Jongin found himself lying on his bed beside the girl he’d had a crush on for years as if this were just another usual night for them.

Jongin didn’t know what to do when she started falling asleep. For a while he had at least pretended to watch the television, only peeking her way now and then, but eventually he was all but staring right at her (and thinking about how she was right there and what was stopping him from making a move?) and she hardly even seemed to notice because she was starting to doze off. Now he was a bit worried though; did he get her up and send her back to his sister’s room, or let her sleep in here? And if she stayed, was it appropriate for him to sleep there too or should he go sleep on the couch or something? But when she closed her eyes completely, seeming to accept her fate and allowing herself to be dragged out of consciousness, she rolled closer to him and Jongin decided that he wasn’t giving up this one time – possibly the only time – he would get to be with her like this. Not long after, he flicked off the TV and threw his arm over her waist, falling asleep while already in a dream.

“

The next morning Jongin opened his eyes sleepily, for some reason expecting to find himself next to his long-time (ex!) crush; but she wasn’t there, and he was quite alone. He sighed and rolled over, glancing at his alarm clock and finding himself just minutes away from it going off. Jongin hated having those kinds of dreams, and he was thinking it over as he cancelled the alarm and hauled himself out of bed, his thoughts still not clear as he made his way to the bathroom. To his annoyance, he found it occupied.

“Get out of the bathroom,” he whined huskily, not really knocking but dragging his fist over the door. There was a giggle within and then the door was opened to reveal her standing on the other side, looking up at him with a blindingly cute smile which he was in no way prepared for. Completely disarmed, Jongin couldn’t even find words to speak.

“Is it urgent?” she teased. His eyes raked over her of their own accord, pausing as he noticed the loosened few buttons on the front of her shirt, a glimpse of black lace peeking out at him, and he held in a groan before looking back to her eyes, not awake enough to feel any real shame. She was the one glancing down shyly now, clearly fully aware that he had just checked her out.

“I need to get ready for school,” he mumbled, and then she was stepping out of his way and leaving the bathroom to him.

As he showered his mind pulled itself together; he recalled the previous evening, and falling asleep with her. When had she left? Had she woke up in the middle of the night and hurried back to his sister’s room, or had she never actually fallen asleep and just waited until he passed out before escaping? It probably didn’t matter either way; honestly, Jongin was more preoccupied with the fact that he had gotten to fall asleep with her at all (and also the fact that he had probably just made her really uncomfortable staring at her s so blatantly).

On top of this, he was realizing he hadn’t brought his clothes with him into the bathroom – which he usually didn’t, because the bathroom was right across the hall and he wasn’t really worried about anyone seeing him at this time of morning anyway. He just hoped she wasn’t in the hall when he got out. Still, he double-checked the hallway before he went out, wrapping a towel around his waist for good measure, and then all but jumped across the hall to his bedroom before slipping inside and closing his door. Just as he was about to pull the towel off, he noticed a human-shaped lump on his bed and yelped.

“Noona?!” Two eyes were peeking up at him in the cocoon of his blanket. “I didn’t think you’d still be in here…”

“I just went to the bathroom before you did,” she explained softly, voice sounding somewhat sleepy. “And then came back to bed. Did you want me to go?”

“No, no, it’s okay,” he said quickly, not really ever wanting her to leave. “I just, um, wanted to get dressed.” And Jongin was feeling pretty self-conscious right now, being completely exposed but for his towel. Despite having a fairly nice body, he didn’t really expect to have been sharing it like this right now. “I’ll – I’ll just… Don’t look, okay?” He earned a nod and she threw the blanket over her head, making him smile a bit before he hurried to cover up with any clothing he could find.

When he was finished, he was more or less ready for school, packing his bag and then sitting on the side of his bed, not sure what the proper procedure was now. Kick her out or let her stay? (She was definitely welcome to stay forever.)

She sat up slowly, still wrapped in his blanket (which he looked forward to wrapping himself in later) and scooting closer to him. “I know I was supposed to be hanging out with your sister last night, but I’m glad I got to visit you, Jongin. We should do this again sometime,” she said quietly, the smallest of shy smiles playing on her lips. As if he would ever say no to that; but his tongue was tied at her suggestion and so he simply gave a nod and a weak smile. There was silence for a moment, and then she said suddenly, “You really used to have a crush on me, didn’t you?”

“Um,” he said in response, dropping his eyes to stare at his hands. “Yeah. I did. To be honest… I still do. I mean, just yesterday – literally yesterday – I made up my mind that I was going to try to go after this other-” He stopped himself, wondering what she would think of him if he said guy. Maybe it’s better not to find out. “-person. And then you came back and now I don’t know how to feel anymore. I don’t know if fate is testing me or giving me a sign that I shouldn’t give up on you yet.” At this Jongin shut himself up because he was sounding cheesy and he didn’t want to make any further fool of himself. Also, he probably shouldn’t have said any of that in the first place, but sometimes Jongin didn’t know when to shut his mouth.

To his surprise, her hand slipped out from the blanket and took his, squeezing it lightly. “I think you should take a chance with that other person,” she admitted. When he glanced up at her, she looked apologetic, a bit reluctant even. “We’re too far apart right now. If I was still in high school, I’d probably be dying to ask you out; but me being in university makes things different. In a couple years, if you’re still as sweet as you are now – I’d be dumb to say no. But for now I think you should be with people closer to you, you know, in the same stage of life.”

It was painful in a very numb way to have her tell him that, but Jongin knew she was right about it. Maybe he wasn’t the dorky kid in middle school anymore, but now she was off in another level again and he was just the high school kid. And once he went off to university she would be graduating, and in all honesty they would never be together. Jongin knew that. It made him want to cry; the feeling clawed at his chest and up into his throat and he felt like laying there and sobbing, but he knew it was true regardless. But maybe one day. Maybe eight or ten years from now, things would all line up for them; and he supposed if he truly loved her enough, he could wait until then.

Or maybe he would end up with Do Kyungsoo. He laughed internally. Yeah, that’s likely. About as likely as ever being with her. But like Jongdae had told him, he had to try. He had to live a little.

“Okay noona,” he whispered, offering a tiny smile. “I’ll confess again in another four years, shall I?”

She reached up and ran her fingers through his hair softly, shivers shooting along his nerves as she gave another sorry smile. “I’ll look forward to it,” she told him, resting her hand on his shoulder.

“Can I – kiss you, once?” he blurted out before mentally kicking himself. Unable to take it back he added, “To give you something to hold onto, while you’re waiting I mean.” She cracked a crooked grin before composing herself and nodding, and Jongin ordered her to close her eyes, which she did. He stared for a long moment before leaning in and pressing his lips to her cheek. When he pulled away, her eyes fluttered open and she blinked at him, clearly surprised but not saying anything. “Was that okay?” he asked weakly, keeping his eyes on his lap again.

In response she sighed, making him glance up at her in concern. But she merely patted his cheek and then Jongin was jumping as the sound of Kris’s car horn honking broke the silence between them. No, just let me stay here with her! He stared for a long moment, torn and wishing he had gone in for the real thing, wondering if it was too late, before heaving a sigh and forcing himself to his feet. Only when her hand slid down his arm and tugged on his hand did he pause, meeting her eyes again.

“Jongin?”

“Hm?”

“Don’t ever change the way you are,” she told him very quietly, squeezing his hand.

“I won’t noona,” he promised. “I hope you’ll wait for me.”

And she let him go, watching after him and knowing just as well as he that they would never have a chance.

A/n: As previously mentioned, Jongin has fallen in love for realz a grand total of once before Kyungsoo, so it's not like it's totally new for him to experience love. I thought it was important to show the way Jongin is with his (ex!) crush, as a means of comparison with the way he is with Kyungsoo (which isn't all that different, really; and interestingly, Jongin withholds a lot of that relatonship from his friends too - when they bring her up, he brushes them off. Why? Why is Jongin so secretive about some people? Feel free to speculate). Anyway, this was the very (bitter)sweet ending of Jongin's first true love, which is sad but now he's off to go get his man~ (in other words, try to win over the man that is very much not his nor remotely interested in him. You can do it Jongin!) In another life, he would've got the girl of his dreams, but as it turns out he was too gay for that ;P

I'll make no promises to update soon (because I'm sure you all know how I am ㅠㅠ but feel free to share your thoughts on Jongin's thoughts in this (half) chapter as you see fit~