"Little Canada"

 

It is in the dawn of 2014 when Yi Fan decides to stand up for himself.

 

He loves 11 people and thousands, no millions out there from the bottom of his heart but he decided for once that he owes it to himself.

He owes himself some love.

 

Yi Fan did not talk about it with the people he loved, instead he talked it out with Kris and dialed some phone numbers and the rest is history.

 

The come back was his going home, he had overdosed on being someone else.

 

It was almost as if he fled when he left Korea for good and got back to China, got back home.

He was suddenly surrounded by people he was able to fully understand without being worried about language barriers, without being worried about saying something weird, without being worried about not fitting in.

Yi Fan felt guilty about being happy and it broke him a little bit that he suddenly didn’t feel loved by millions anymore which was, frankly, a little dumb.

When you become an idol you aren’t an artist.

You are nothing but a product.

People don’t buy your music, they buy your face, your body, the image you have.

You enter a company and you get a label, you are the shy kid with the wonderful voice, the dorky giant, the weird guy from overseas, the token Chinese guy to make fun of, the cold city guy.

You become who and what they want you to be, you become something that sells.

And one day Yi Fan realized that he wasn’t able to take it anymore.

He didn’t want to take it anymore.

He also didn’t think it was worth it anymore.

 

Once he was back in China he decided for himself not to stay in touch with those 11 people.

Yet, he watched that one thing where they talked about him.

His little panda cried and he tried to stay put.

The others just seemed… plain. 

Pale.

They just took it the way it was.

Everybody knew what had been going on.

But often, knowledge about a situation doesn’t make it easier, at all.

Yi Fan is the most comfortable when heÄs alone because then, only then, he is not embarrassed about being sad and he only cries a little, lights switched off, only the electronic brightness from his laptop screen is there to make it visible that he is, indeed, a little broken inside.

 

But like many other stories, it goes like this, time passes and Yi Fan remembers how breathing works when he hears wolfs growl on the radio or sees girls, excitedly running around with mazes on their shirts or backpacks and happily chatting about their oppas,

 

He distracts himself with work , with love and mostly with making new memories and for the most part, he is fine. Not completely whole again because he is not completely healthy yet and still occasionally gets sad when broken hearted people or people with a slightly scratched ego try to drag him down.

But he is okay.

That is, until he starts receiving messy text messages and breathy, devastated lat night calls, a Korean number but the person on the other side of the phone speaks in hushed, hate mandarin, stressing every r in the characteristic northern manner, the Beijing dialect getting worse whenever he tries to swallow down his sadness, his fears.

The first times Yi Fan just lets him talk and listens, a few times he even discards the calls, ignores them because he feels that he’ll forget how breathing works again.

The next time Yi Fan gets a call from Korea, just after 3 am, it’s raining outside and Yi Fan can’t bring himself to the decline the call and as he starts talking to Lu Han instead of just listening to his elder who sounds like a boy again, Yi Fan realizes how much he misses him.

And he also remembers that faking happiness is almost like real happiness when you’re so busy you have no time to breathe. 

He misses that, too.

 

It takes Lu Han a few more months and he is calm during the days, he is better at explaining it to the others, he feels guilty and he feels like breaking down but the pulls through because he knows himself quite well, knows that he’ll push himself only so far, he doesn’t want to really destroy something. Not every love is unconditionally.

At night though, especially during certain nights, Lu Han calls Yi Fan because he needs a shoulder to imagine crying onto. 

 

The more they talk the more they realize that something or someone to hold on to is so much easier to loose than to find.

 

Yi Fan lost Zi Tao, Luhan will loose Minseok.

Yi Fan tries to make things a little easier by explaining how he forgot to breathe and Lu Han is silent but Yi Fan keeps talking, knowing that hearing a familiar, seemingly oblivious voice makes crying in silence so much more bearable.

 

After that night they don’t talk for a while and Yi Fan is worried, just a little too much, but he does not allow himself to become restless.

 

He’s at work, doing a promotion here, writing e-mails to his lawyer there, checking his instagram, his weibo, just out of curiosity and his breath hitches a little when re reads the simple message:

 

我回家了。 I am back home.

 

And on instagram, I just wanna all of you to know that I love you all.

 

Yi Fan smiles a tiny smile and turns off his wifi, puts his phone on airplane mode and gets back to work.

 

They see each other again for the first time while filming a broadcast for Chinese New Year and they behave weird around each other at first but they carefully, slowly bring their relationship back to life within the span of the few minutes they are granted, they touch carefully and Yi Fan thinks that Lu Han seems stronger than ever while Lu Han feels that Yi Fan is a lot more fragile than before but in Yi Fan’s case, Lu Han thinks, that probably is a good thing.

 

When they part again Lu Han feels so confident he thinks he’ll be able to talk to Yi Fan in private again and yells after him that Yi Fan should give him a call and that brings us to the present.

 

3 days later, Yi Fan deals the ne Beijing number he was been given and as Lu Han picks up, he is proud and doesn’t know why, but maybe it’s true, all wounds are healed by time passing by. 

 

The conversation is simple.

 

- Yi Fan.

- Are you in Beijing?

- Yeah with my family right now. 

- Good. I’m going there fro an interview next week. Let’s meet.

- …

- Lu Han.

- Okay.

 

For Yi Fan, the following days pass slowly in the most agonizing way because all together, the seconds and minutes are like years while the hours pass by like moments and he doesn’t understand why he’s so nervous.

They meet at a subway station in Hai Dian, that fancy part of the d

 

istrict, close to where Lu Han lives at the moment.

They want to avoid being seen, picked a non-busy time, yet Yi Fan feels nervous while paying his cab and then also while waiting for Lu Han to show up.

It’s chilly outside, Yi Fan never really gets over how cold and unfriendly Beijing get’s in the winter and that despite having lived in both Canada and Seoul for a respectable amount of time, two places known for getting you blue lips and nails in the winter.

 

Yi Fan flinches a bit when he feels a hand on his shoulder and tuns around, looking at a smugly grinning Lu Han. 

 

- Missed me?

 

Lu Han says while wrapping an arm around YI Fan’s shoulders and pulling him in for a brief hug before turning towards the direction he was coming from, not even giving Yi Fan a chance to reply.

 

- Let’s go home, it’s so cold. Too cold if you ask me. 

 

And strangely, Lu Han’s touch and voice do already feel a little bit like this ominous home.

 

- Are we going to where you live with your parents?

- Yeah, why you asking?

 

Yi Fan shrugs.

 

- Just because.

- I don’t know, getting my own place doesn’t pay off at the moment, Beijing is too expensive and I’d hardly ever be home.

- I see.

 

They walk in silence for a moment before Yi Fan starts looking at Lu Han’s side profile, the shorter man still has his arm draped over Yi Fan’s shoulder, thus walking a little uncomfortable. 

 

- You know, I kina feel like a teenager again. Like… going home with my girlfriend for the first time or so.

 

Lu Han looks up to him and laughs, teeth showing. Then his face gets a little more serious and he wiggles his eyebrows.

 

- My parents aren’t hime.

 

He lifts his other hand and lets his fingertips ghost over Yi Fan’s chest for a second before he can’t hold the expression any longer and he bursts out laughing.

Yi Fan starts laughing too, call him an idiot and tries to ignore why it gives him butterflies when Lu Han looks him directly in the eye.

 

- You look dumb when wriggling your eyebrows.

- Oh shut up, your whole instagram looks dumb.

- What the Lu Han…! First of all how dare you and second, it’s ing flawless.

 

They are still laughing when reaching Lu Han’s home.

 

- Hey. Your parents really aren’t home?

 

Lu Han giggles.

 

- Nope.

 

They order food and despite Yi Fan’s protests Lu Han decides to get them some beer. (Yi Fan complains that beer has too many calories and Lu Han tells him to shut the up and shoves a bottle at him.)

 

Talking to Yi Fan is so nice, Lu Han thinks.

He missed his friends like crazy while being in Kore, he missed the people he grew up with but after he came back home he realized that friendship is really not about how long you have known each other. It’s also not about who never left, it’s is mostly about what you have been through together and honestly, what he has been through with those 11 people, with Yi Fan, was probably the hardest part of his life so far. 

 

- How long are you staying in Beijing?

 

Lu Han mumbles, sounding either a little tipsy or a little tired, maybe both. 

Yi Fan smiles because Lu Han’s dialect starts showing a little.

 

- Don’t roll your r like that. It…

 

Lu Han throws a pillow at him before he can finish his sentence and smirks.

 

- Answer my question, Wu Yi Fan or else…

- I think I got my flight booked for Saturday.

- That’s… three days!

 

Lu Han holds up three fingers and looks at Yi Fan with his big eyes. Definitely a little tipsy.

 

- You look like a child right now.

 

Lu Han snorts.

 

- I’m still your hyung. 

 

The Korean sounds weird,as if Lu Han was not mocking Yi Fan but the word itself and everything they connect with it.

 

- Oh wow.

 

Yi Fan laughs, making it as authentic as possible, trying to take away the awkwardness and rubs his neck.

 

- You wanna get drunk?

 

Lu Han asks after a little while of awkward silence none of them can explain and Yi Fan nods.

 

- My treat. I’m your guest, after all.

- I’m fine with that.

 

They realize it’s a pretty cool thing that they aren’t part of the age group of their fans any more (for the biggest part)  and so they can be irresponsible in peace. 

They do get drunk together and they become friends again and it feels a lot more sincere then when they were trainees.

 

They get back to Lu Han’s place somewhen in the early morning after fighting for a cab and they really do feel like teenagers again.

 

While Yi Fan is in Beijing they meet once more for a hushed Starbucks-Date, Lu Han buying for Yi Fan this time and they smile at each other a lot.

 

When Yi Fan is done with his business in Beijing he boards his plane back to the south and stares at the clouds not thinking at all and seeing things whenever he closes his eyes so he tries not to blink as long as possible.

 

Too bad he has always been really good at blinking reality away.

 

Lu Han texts Yi Fan a get home safely with a happy smiley and Yi Fan doesn’t know what to say.

He thinks about what to write while he is on the cab.

When he’s home he quickly types the 6 characters and clicks send when he closes his eyes to go to sleep.

 

鹿哥，我回家了。

 

 

When Lu Han reads the  鹿哥  he almost gets a heart attack because he thinks that Minseok texted him but it’s Yi Fan and Lu Han’s hand trembles a little and he puts his phone away and curls up on his sofa, switching on the tv, watching a documentary about European forests and animals.

 

He feels like such an adult right now. 

 

His mother comes from from visiting her parents when Lu Hand falls asleep on the couch, she is about to wake him up but something about her son’s facial expression makes her get a blanket instead and hiss his cheek carefully.

 

He still has the baby boy she give birth to almost 25 years ago somewhere inside, she knows it, just like every mother does.

 

She goes to bed, too, giving her husband a call and asking him to be quiet when he gets home from his business trip.

He tells her of course and that he loves her. And she tells him that she loves him, too. 

 

And as simple as it sounds, it’s true.

 

Lu Han wakes up around 4 am when his father comes home and turns off the tv.

 

Lu Han feels his father’s gaze on him and slowly sits up-

 

- 爸爸

 

He mumbles and rubs his eyes.

 

His father turns around, puts down his bag and sits down next to his son-

 

- You, why are you sleeping on the sofa?

 

Lu Han shrugs.

 

- I just fell asleep. My head hurts a little.

 

His father frowns. He knows how bad Lu Han was when he first came back from Korea and he swears to God, if he ever gets his hands on that godforsaken company he won’t guarantee for anything.

 

- Are you getting bad again, son?

 

Lu Han shrugs again but then shakes his head and leans to his father’s shoulder, bleached, broken hair and newly shaped nose and jawline still feeling a little unfamiliar to the older man.

 

- I’m sorry, 爸爸。

 

The older man sighs and nudges his son’s shoulder.

 

- Don’t be. Youth is there for learning and making mistakes, you can be sorry when you’re my age. 

 

He feels lu Han tense up and his breath hitch a little but decides not to acknowledge it, Lu Han can’t show weakness - no, sadness - when his father is around.

 

Lu Han takes a breath.

 

- You should go to bed now, Father. Your day must have been long.

- You should, too.

 

Lu Han nods and gets up first, slowly walking towards his room, feelings his fathers gaze on his back.

 

He feel like such a child right now.

 

Again, all of them busy themselves with work and try to be as happy as possible, something that surprisingly works out most of the time.

 

Lu Han meets new people and old friends, he dyes his hair lighter colours, gets back to honey blonde, he dances, acts, sings, kisses girls he doesn’t know (and who hopefully don’t know him).

He gets healthier again and a lot happier, a lot more confident and most importantly he forgets to remember certain things, but also doesn’t remember to forget. 

 

It’s all cool, all good, but something still feels weird, somehow Lu Han isn’t completely whole.

 

Yi Fan travels to Beijing quite often and even considers moving house.

 

He meets Lu Han every now and then when they meet their lawyers and sometimes they linger around each other a little bit and it honestly scares Yi Fan that whenever he sees his former colleague, he feels the need to stay with him.

Lu Han on the other hand starts missing the old times, something that’s even more scary.

 

Yi Fan realizes this and after they say their goodbyes he musters up his courage and calls Lu Han back, the shorter man turning around in surprise, he didn’t expect anyone to drag him out of his thoughts.

 

- Lu Han.

- What is it?

- Are you free tonight?

 

Lu Han is a little startled at first, then he shrugs, pulls out his phone and checks his schedule.

 

- I am.

- Good. Let’s meet up.

 

Lu Han look sup to him and shrugs.

He always shrugs.

 

- Okay. So, where an when?

- Let’s get dinner.

 

Lu Han smiles.

 

- Come and pick me up then. I’ll show you a place you’ll like.

- Okay.

 

They smile and Lu Han leaves first.

 

The boy is so goddamn confusing, Yi Fan thinks, because he has that somehow condescending smile but next thing you know Lu Han seems like the sweetest angel on earth, the nicest person you’ll ever know and he can make everybody feel like a fool and -

Yi Fan’s head hurts a little.

 

He picks Lu Han up at half past eight, waving him over from the cab he is waiting in.

Lu Han smiles and gets  in, sitting on the front seat, whispering and address to the driver’s ear.

Then he turns around to Yi Fan and ruffles his hair.

 

- Thanks for picking me up!

 

He sounds so cheerful.

Yi Fan snorts and tries to fix his hair while Lu Han laughs.

 

- Sorry. Your hair looks good. No need to smear a whole drugstore’s contingent of gel in there.

- It’s good for my confidence though.

 

Lu Han smirks and turns around in his seat, facing the road as if there’s something left unsaid. 

 

- There we are!

 

Lu han exclaims happily after about 10 minutes, tells the driver to pull over and jumps out of the car, leaving Yi Fan to pay.

He stumbles after Lu Han, a little startled by the other guy’s hectic behaviour.

 

- So, where are you taking me?

 

Lu Han simply drugs him into a slightly smaller street.

 

- Home.

 

Yi Fan looks up and can’t help but giggle as he sees the restaurant’s name. 

 

Little Canada.

 

He laughs and shakes his head, nudging the smaller guy’s shoulder.

 

- You’re cute.

 

Lu Han doesn’t complain about that and drags him inside instead, the waitress smiling extremely friendly and greeting Lu Han as if they’re old friends. They probably are, Yi Fan thinks, a little jealous as she hugs Lu Han. 

Yi Fan greats her just as friendly as possible and she is as nice to him, leads them to a table and tells them to wait a minute for her, she’ll fetch them the menu.

 

Lu Han breams.

 

- What’cha think? Do you like it? I think it’s a little cheesy but so nostalgic! 

 

He grins and back the hair from his forehead. Yi Fan looks around for a moment, examining the tiny Canadian flags, the dark wooden interior, the bleached out pictures of some ice hockey players and the … plushy toy beavers that sit on every table and every single free spot.

 

Yi Fan bursts into laughter and grabs the toy closes to him.

 

- Honestly? Honestly? Oh my God, this is so cheesy I…

 

He is interrupted when the nice waitress comes back to their table and gives each of them a menu. He puts the toy down again as fast as possible.

 

- Everything okay?

 

She asks, a raised eyebrow and a pretty smile on her lips.

 

- Ye… yeah. it’s just… I’m from Canada and my school had the exact same thing. I’m sorry.

 

Yi Fan is still giggling and Lu Han tries to hide his laughter behind the menu.

The lady just smiles and shakes her head.

 

- Can I already get you anything to drink?

 

Lu Han nods into Yi Fan’s direction.

 

- He’ll decide.

 

- Uh…

 

 

 

 

It’s a really nice evening, they enjoy each other’s company, flirt a little with the waitress and fight over the bill, Lu Han wins.

 

When they leave and Yi Fan is about to call a cab, Lu Han stops him by grabbing his hand and tangling their arms.

 

- Nuh huh, let’s walk.

 

Yi Fan smirks. 

After a few meters, Lu Han looks up to him. 

 

- Mission accomplished I think.

- Huh?

- Genuinely making you smile. It’s a bit weird but…

- I know I know.

 

Yi Fan doesn’t really want to hear it from Lu Han’s mouth but the smaller one ignores it.

 

- Nah. Let me finish Wu Yi Fan, will ya? It’s just… you seem so stuck up lately. Not in a really bad way but still…

 

Lu Han sighs. Yi Fan watches him, getting a little defensive on the inside.

 

- I don’t know, I was a little worried.

 

Lu Han continues but then shrugs it off before taking  breath.

 

- Are you really okay?

 

The question catches Yi Fan off guard, he stops and looks at Lu Han who looks back at him.

 

- I…

 

Yi Fan can’t finish the sentence, he doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know what to feel, how to feel or if he feels anything at all about himself.

L Han just nods and looks away, taking Yi Fan’s arm again and stars walking.

 

- I know.

 

Lu Han mumbles.

 

- It’s so much better like this, right? You get to take care of yourself, you finally have time to be some sort of individual, not just the person they sell you as. It feels… a little bit like freedom right?

 

Yi Fan slowly nods.

 

- But…

- But somehow it’s still not right, something’s still missing. I… I actually talked to a psychologist, my dad thought it’d be a good idea because of the… screaming while asleep thing and so I…. yeah, I guess I just talked to her. She was really nice though, kind professional. Kinda like my 奶奶。

 

Lu Han laughs before continuing.

 

- She told me that… and I think this was the most important thing she said, she told me that people sometimes tend to underestimate goodbyes when they part from a bad environment.

 

Lu Han looks up to Yi Fan and in his face he can see a very very familiar look.

 

- That’s… I don’t know if you wanted to hear that, Fan Fan. I’m sorry.

 

Lu Han tries a smile,

 

- She also told me to look out for people who might be in a similar situation and that I should reach out to them, maybe they need help, too.

 

Lu Han doesn’t look at him anymore and Yi Fan feels him crumble a little. So he mumbles a:

 

- Thank you.

 

He speaks, voice only a little louder than a whisper.

Lu Han looks up again, surprised.

 

- No no, you don’t understand! I didn’t do anything you should thank me for. Nothing at all. I was super selfish, I didn’t text you back and…

- Lu Han.

- Mhm?

- It’s not like we’re… best friends or anything. You don’t owe me anything. The situation just happens to be that we are in very similar circumstances right now and that we’ve also been through a lot, together. But… this doesn’t mean that we ned to super melancholic or nostalgic or anything.

 

Lu Han shrugs. (again)

 

- But maybe… I want us to be. Wanted us. I don’t know. Maybe. I didn’t want to feel like all those years were wasted. I just… i’m really really bad at letting go I think.

 

Yi Fan doesn’t know why it feels so weird when he pulls Lu Han close for a hug. 

 

- I think your psychologist was right. Good byes are a lot harder than we expect them to be.

 

Yi Fan can feel Lu Han swallow and take a breath. 

 

- It’s fine, isn’t it?

- I guess.

- Souu…

 

Yi Fan let’s go of Lu Han’s smaller frame and chews his lower lip, tilting his head. 

 

- Wanna get drunk?

 

Lu Han looks at him and a grin spreads over his face before he starts laughing.

 

- Is this becoming a tradition or what?

 

And as Lu Han looks Yi Fan in the ey, he feels thos weird butterflies again and would very much enjoy throwing himself off a bridge. 

 

They get back to Yi Fan’s hotel this time, buying some 白酒  because it’s gross and gets you drunk really fast.

 

Being together like this, im a much too fancy and expensive hotel room, drinking much too cheap alcohol and thinking unhealthy thoughts, it makes them feel like very, very young again and alcohol does taste a little bit like happiness in their tummies and …

 

Like even more happiness when tasting it from the other one’s lips, even just by accident.

 

The kisses they exchange are sweet, soft and coy.

Yi Fan puts a hand on Lu Han’s cheek and Lu Han presses his palm flat against Yi Fan’s warm chest.

 

The moment only lasts for a few minutes and when they open their eyes again it’s as if they just woke up, they smile at each other, relieved, because nothing between them has really changed, at all.

 

 

- You know…

 

Lu Han whispers because he is afraid that the thing, whatever it is between them, might break if the speaks up too loud.

 

But Yi Fan listens.

 

- I think I figured out something really important just now.

 

Yi Fan smiles, closing his eyes again.

 

- And what did you figure out?

 

Lu Han smiles a little, yawning.

 

- I think I figured out that friendship is actually just another word for love. I think It’s really true.

 

They fall asleep, cuddled together.

 

 

 

Yi Fan leaves Beijing the next morning, Lu Han waving a farewell, smiling.

 

As soon as he’s sure that Yi Fan’s phone is switched off or at least on airplane mode, Lu Han starts typing a text message.

 

 

„ Wu Yi Fan, do you know that your friends are really clever? They kept that stupid galaxy joke of yours alive. And to be honest, that’s a pretty neat idea. I’ll tell you why.“

 

He clicks send and takes a breath before he starts typing again.

 

„Thank you for giving me a whole galaxy when I only needed a star. Thank you, Fan Fan.“

 

And seconds later after he clicked send, he blushes.

 

„So EMBARRASSING oh my God. Delete that message, please.“

 

As Lu Han walks to the closes subway stop his cheeks are still a little red but he is also still smiling.

 

Genuinely smiling.

 

 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Little annotation:

 

我回家了＝ I am back home. 

爸爸 ＝ Dad

奶奶 ＝ Grandma
白酒 ＝ some sort of alcohol
鹿哥 = could be translated as Lu Bro or some of that kind.  

 

I described the Beijing, especially Hai Dian the way I perceived it while growing up there, I don't know if the little Canada still exists but I hope so haha.

 

 

Also, thank you so so so much for reading! Any kind of feedback is genuinely appreciated and you'll be loved <3