Krystal is dating Kai yada yada blabla. Watched the Macau fancam and it broke my heart to see Amber's smile. So I got inspired and wrote a snippet. Deny all you want but I know a heartbroken smile when I see one. Who knows what goes on behind the scenes? Whatever happens, I just hope Amber will have a chance to truly be herself in the future. 

Anyway, enjoy this short drabble. Going back to hiding after this. 

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They say that the feeling of heartbreak is worst thing one can experience in their lifetime.

For Amber Liu, heartbreak wasn’t the worst. It came second to pretending; pretending to be straight, pretending to be someone who she’s not and to be pretending she’s fine.

Pretending to be happy even when it feels like her heart was being stabbed and twisted for good measure. Saying it hurt even more.

“I’m happy for you” she felt a rise in her stomach, willed herself into a smile even when Krystal gave her an unconvinced look.

“I am” she added a nod and repeated. She really was, how can you not feel happy when the person you love for almost half of your entire life told you she has found someone to call her own? That she was happy?

Her smile was half assed but that was all she could managed, and when the palm of Krystal’s smooth skin cradled against her chin, god know what she was trying to do. Was it her consolidation for not being able to love her back? Or was it pity because she was left alone to fend for her loneliness?

Her whole world was caving in, crumbling into ashes and here she was, sitting at some ing award show she doesn’t give a about. Sure, she is grateful of her fans for without them, there wouldn’t be an f(x), they wouldn’t be here. Wouldn’t be recognized for the years of blood, sweat and tears they put into their music.

Just at that moment, she thought she was going to give in, give in to the years of unrequited love and scrutiny around her. Give in to the pressure of being a foreign celebrity in Korea, getting accustomed to their homophobic, stereotypical and judgemental culture.

‘Grow your hair Amber unnie’

‘Stop dressing like a boy’

‘Don’t be a lesbian. I will be so pissed if you are.’

‘You would be so beautiful if you dressed like a girl’  

Those were the comments that bombarded whatever social media platform she had on a daily basis. Even with ‘Beautiful’ and ‘Borders’ nobody would take her seriously.

She was truly tired of pretending but she did anyway. And as Krystal grabbed her face playfully all she did was closed her eyes and smile. Breaking down in public wasn’t an option, so she smiled. Smiled and turned away as soon as Krystal let her go.

And as she pretended to bob her head to the music on stage, all she wished for was for the floor to swallow her whole, fancams would have caught her moment of weakness but she didn’t care. She knew the ones who would love and understand her were the ones who were like her. People who didn’t fit into stereotypes. People who knew how she felt.

She hated her ridiculous bell bottom jeans and glittery long shirt and the jewellery she was forced to wear. And the ing heels she was made to walk in, it annoyed her to no end but at the end of the day she still had to pretend.

Pretend to laugh when she tried on heels on shows when in fact all she wanted was to be in her sneakers and baggy jeans and sweat shirt. But people didn’t like that, people liked women with heels and tight dresses. Like if she showed of some skin.

Liked if she had an ideal man instead of a woman.

Even if all she ever wanted was the person sitting next to her, her princess. She wanted to scoff at how stupid that sounds, she was her servant all right. Nothing ironic about that.

It was ing clichéd for she was the tomboy that fell for her straight best friend, falling beneath her two feet, willing to do for anything she wished. Even till now, weak old Amber.

Again, she had to pretend how they had to be platonic, that everything between them was sisterly love. Maybe that was what Krystal thought of her at one point. Just a reliable unnie who loves her younger groupmate. Best friends.

Amber was starting to feel sick, sick to her stomach. Even as Krystal tried to get her attention all night and her attempts at trying to smile and be responsive so she wouldn’t suspect.

And when their names were called she couldn’t wait to go right up stage, and to perform. It gave her a distraction and that was what she probably need at that moment. Something to get her mind off things.

She avoided touching her; waited instead for her other groupmate, good old understanding Luna. And as if she understood, had her arms outstretched for her friend.

They repeated the same on stage, thanking everyone with their smiles and words. Truth was, she couldn’t wait to perform, it was the only time she felt confidence. The only time she felt all the she would have to go through daily would be worth it. The feel of adrenaline pumping through her veins as she concentrated on her dance and routines and vocals, it was the only time nothing else mattered.

She gave her all that night, all without looking at Krystal, even when they shared eye contact she would scrunch her eyebrows together to look far off into the distance and pretended to concentrate. And when they were done, she took her time, opting instead to walk behind Krystal.

Because she knew she should be getting used to that, for it would be how they are in the future; her watching Krystal’s back. Not walking beside her anymore. From then on, she wouldn’t be the one guiding her hand and protecting her, it wasn’t her job anymore. Her heart ached at that thought and she was finding it harder and harder to hold on to sanity. Then she felt an arm draped around her waist,

It was Luna, who was throwing her sympathetic looks all night. Luna gave her waist a squeeze for good measure and mouthed “it’s gonna be okay”

She nodded and smile, grateful for having surrounded by people she could call friends.

As the show came to a close, all she wanted was to be back into her hotel room, where she could break down and yell and scream all her frustrations away before she had to go back to pretending.

Pretending to be f(x)’s Amber Liu. The one the Korean public wanted to see, and not who she truly is. Or was. Sometimes she had gotten so good she didn’t know what was real or fake anymore.

It was tearing her apart from the inside, and tomorrow as a new day begins, she would be officially be ousted as Krytal’s faithful servant, as the princess has found her prince. Tabloids and social media would make sure of it.

A prince she could never be, no matter how hard she tries.

Because her and her happiness right?