“Are you sure you’re ready?” asked Chanyeol, throwing Kyungsoo’s plushie up in the air as he was sprawled out on Kyungsoo’s bed.

“I don’t know,” said Kyungsoo, looking at himself in the mirror.

Tonight was Jongin’s welcome back party. And Kyungsoo was totally going to turn up uninvited. Technically, he wasn’t not invited- all of his friends were and the event said that they could bring who they wanted, but only one or two each person. And although Kyungsoo wasn’t invited to the event on Facebook, he was technically allowed to tag along. So he was tagging along with Chanyeol.

“If you’re not ready, you don’t need to go,” said Chanyeol.

“You think I should just stay at home?” asked Kyungsoo, his voice quiet. He knew how to induce Chanyeol’s guilt trip. “Maybe you’re right. I haven’t been out for so long and all of our friends are going to be there and I haven’t talked to them in so long that I bet it’s going to be awkward. I should just stay at home. I don’t know what I was thinking. You’re right. I’d rather be alone.”

Kyungsoo chewed on his nails and started to shed his blazer.

“No!” protested Chanyeol. Got him. “No. I was just saying, are you ready to see Jongin again? You should definitely come if you want to. We all miss you. It’s not going to be awkward. And if it is, we can duck out and go somewhere else, just you and me and we can eat some street food. It’ll be my treat if we do, of course.”

“I don’t know,” said Kyungsoo, hesitating and laying it on thick. “Do I look nice? I think I look dumb. Everyone is going to think I look like a mess. You’re right. I shouldn’t go.”

Chanyeol started running his fingers through his hair as Kyungsoo took off his jeans and got into his bed, on the side that Chanyeol wasn’t sitting on.

“What are you doing?” asked Chanyeol. “Kyungsoo, get up.”

Kyungsoo shook his head, burrowing into his covers. Maybe staying in bed was actually a good idea, now that he was in it. What was he thinking, crashing a party? The unwanted ex. Did he want to be that person?

“Kyungsoo, it’s 4 in the afternoon. No, come on Kyungsoo. Let’s go. It’ll be fun!”

Chanyeol knocked over the candles Kyungsoo had on his nightstand and Kyungsoo frowned in his pillow.

“You said I shouldn’t go,” said Kyungsoo. “Noone wants me there.”

“That’s not true,” said Chanyeol. “I didn’t say that. And Baekhyun, Sehun, Chen, Xiumin and all of our friends are going to be there. I said something silly. Come on, maybe we can get the street food now if we leave early? Come on Kyungsoo.”

“I’m scared Chanyeol,” said Kyungsoo, something he had never said to anyone before in his life. “I don’t want to be alone anymore. But what if I go and I’m just going to be alone in a room full of people? Noone’s going to talk to me. I can’t do that. I’d rather be alone here.”

“You won’t be. I will be there. Baek will be there. I promise I won’t leave you alone. I promise I’ll talk to you.”

Kyungsoo didn’t say anything. He really wanted to crash Jongin’s party.

“Okay.”

“Chanyeol hyung! And. Kyungsoo.”

Jongin’s face went from a big smile to a puzzled expression.

“Hi Jongin, welcome back! Kyungsoo and I thought we’d pop by and see you and the rest of the crew, since they’re here. It’s been too long!”

Jongin was staring at Kyungsoo who smiled pleasantly back, uncharacteristically stuck to Chanyeol’s side as Chanyeol had his arm around his waist. Chanyeol said he looked “extra squishilicious” tonight, and Kyungsoo even surprised himself. It had been so long that he dressed up that even he didn’t believe how good he looked. But that might’ve been the extra…. “confidence” they had taken in liquid form before they came here. A lot of the liquid confidence.

And Jongin looked good. So good. Tall, lanky and dark hair falling into his eyes. He loved this look on Jongin. His heart gave a painful lurch but he ignored it.

“Hi Jongin,” said Kyungsoo, smiling widely. He tried not to sway, and pinched Chanyeol who was starting to giggle. “Am I allowed inside? Don’t worry, I won’t even talk to you. I only came to see my friends.”

“Um sure,” said Jongin.

“Kyungsoo! I can’t believe you actually came!”  said Baekhyun, bounding up to them when they entered the apartment. “I only came because I heard you were coming!”

Jongin grimaced at the dig.

“Come, we’re sitting on the couch.”

“Kyungsoo! You came!” Chen cried out as they neared the living room. “Yay Kyungsoo!”

“Right? I’m so happy I convinced him!” said Chanyeol, steering Kyungsoo to sit.

“Kyungsoooo!” Xiumin cried, hugging him while Chanyeol and Baekhyun plopped on either side of him.

“Kyungsoo hyung,” said Sehun, rushing up and trying to hug Kyungsoo too as he giggled.

“You smell like alcohol,” whispered Baekhyun to Kyungsoo.

“He says we smell like alcohol,” Kyungsoo whispered to Chanyeol. They both started giggling.

“Hyung, I’m so happy you’re here,” said Sehun, looking wonderstruck.

“You guys are acting like he’s the one that’s been abroad for months,” joked Jongin, which fell flat.

Lay, Tao and even Suho was here, all looking quite happy that Kyungsoo had turned up. Although they didn’t really know what had happened, seeing the others so excited over Kyungsoo made them gravitate to the area as well.

“I ordered chicken for us,” said Jongin.

Kyungsoo was aware that they were acting extremely clique-y, but it was hard when Baekhyun and Chanyeol were unconsciously doing it and Baekhyun was saying all these barbs directed at Jongin. Even Sehun couldn’t stop him- the best friend or the boyfriend? Chanyeol was keeping his promise of talking to Kyungsoo, and kept making Kyungsoo snort into his beer.

“Oh my god, you’re finally here! Guys, this is Taemin.”

Being on the couch made Kyungsoo feel like he was a judge when a skinny boy with big lips was led out by Jongin in front of him.

It felt like the room inhaled, everyone holding their breaths to see what Kyungsoo would do. Sehun’s eyes were darting from Baekhyun to Kyungsoo to Taemin, while Baekhyun had an iron grip on Kyungsoo’s arm. Chen leant into Kyungsoo’s legs from where he was sitting on the floor, while Chanyeol leaned forward to inspect Taemin. Xiumin looked like he wanted to melt. Tao and Lay started whispering in Chinese while Suho was the only one who smiled at him.

“Hi Teemo,” said Kyungsoo.

“It’s Taemin,” the boy said.

“Sit down Teemo,” said Baekhyun. “We’re just eating and drinking.”

Kyungsoo smirked at Baekhyun.

“Baekhyun,” said Sehun exasperatedly, knowing what he was doing.

“What?” said Baekhyun, Sehun’s cheek. “We just want to make Teemo feel welcome.”

“Teemo, grab a beer,” said Chanyeol, who followed in Baekhyun’s naughty schemes and was a sworn brother.

They all had decided to play a drinking game, something stupid that Kyungsoo couldn’t remember because he had been drinking so much. They were all sitting in a circle, some on the floor while he got and some others got to stay on the couch. He didn’t want to feel that throb every time Jongin and Taemin looked at each other, and giggled at something lame. They always seemed to be giggling with each other. This Taemin had horrible hair. He glared at the pair of them.

“Kyungsoo, it’s your turn,” Jongin said awkwardly.

Kyungsoo smiled as big as he can at Jongin. “You made me want to die,” he announced, staring right into Jongin’s hooded eyes. ”I wanted to. I used to imagine you coming back to my funeral.”

Silence.

Everyone seemed frozen, all staring at Kyungsoo’s revelation out of nowhere. Taemin was not giggling now.

“I did. Did you know I formalized my will? I bet even you didn’t know that Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo laughed, putting a hand on Baekhyun’s knee. “I’m sorry but you don’t get that much. All of my money goes to my parents and brother. You get to pick whatever you want from my apartment though. You, and Sehun, and Chanyeol, and Chen and… Xiumin and Lay and Tao, and Suho and Teemo, you can too if you want. I love you all. I wish I was richer so I could give you more if I died.”

“I think you’ve had too much to drink,” said Xiumin, ever responsible. “Come on, let’s get some fresh air. We’re going to go to the balcony, okay Jongin?”

“The wind feels nice,” said Kyungsoo, letting the night breeze go through his hair.

“Yeah?” said Xiumin, watching Kyungsoo. “You feel better?”

“I wasn’t feeling bad in the first place,” argued Kyungsoo. “I wish I said more. I wish I could say everything, tell Jongin that-“

“Tell me what?”

They both turned to the voice of Jongin, who was stepping out from the screen door.

“Jongin, don’t,” snapped Sehun who was behind Jongin. “Leave Kyungsoo hyung alone.”

“Can we be alone?” asked Kyungsoo, staring up at Jongin who was staring back. “Xiumin hyung, Sehun, can I talk to him?”

“Are you sure hyung?”asked Sehun. “I’m going to get Baekhyun.”

“I’ll be right outside the door,” said Xiumin, gently patting Kyungsoo’s shoulder.

They looked at each other, and Kyungsoo wanted to cry and hug Jongin. But Jongin didn’t want that. But he used to. Jongin used want Kyungsoo to touch him. Kyungsoo wasn’t allowed to touch Jongin. And that was the worst, when before Kyungsoo wouldn’t think twice to reach and expect himself to be held.

“Sehun is so whipped,” Kyungsoo said instead.

“Are you okay?” asked Jongin.

“You don’t care,” Kyungsoo said, looking into the face he knew so well. “I tried so hard but you don’t care.”

“I do Soo, I could never not care,” Jongin said. “Just because we’re not together doesn’t mean I don’t care for you as a friend.”

“You really will listen to me?” asked Kyungsoo, biting his fingers. “I just want to talk to you.”
“Sure Soo, go ahead.”

“Okay,” said Kyungsoo. Finally. “First thing I want to say is, your hair is ugly.”

“Uhh,” said Jongin.

“I think you’re a piece of and everyone in there apart from your little thinks so too. You go away for only a few months and you can’t be faithful to me? To me? You leave me alone in an apartment full of your and spouting all your I love you’s and we’ll be together forever’s and to stay strong and then break up with me via imessage? I donated all the clothes you left by the way. You have some really ugly clothes. I can’t stand your dress sense sometimes. I hope you get explosive diarrhea and slip on it and get it in your mouth and you get explosive diarrhea again.”

Jongin gaped while Kyungsoo breathed in. “And another thing, is that you think you’re amazing and the sun shines out of your and all my friends think I’m going to kill myself because of you and I sort of wished I did so I wouldn’t be here looking at your face right now.”

Jongin shook his head. “Wow. I guess you hate me a lot.”

“Why did you fall out of love with me? What happened?” Kyungsoo asked, stepping closer to Jongin. “What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything Kyungsoo,” said Jongin, who had tears in his eyes. “I just hadn’t seen you in so long, and we never had time to skype like we promised we would, and I didn’t want to. I felt like I barely knew what you were doing, and you didn’t know what I was doing. I’m sorry.”

“So you decide to get a new boyfriend, so quickly? Are you and Taemin in love?”

“No Kyungsoo,” said Jongin, putting his hand on Kyungsoo’s waist. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. He’s not my boyfriend.”

“I saw on facebook-“

“I got fraped,” said Jongin. “Please Kyungsoo. He’s just my dance friend. I missed you, I really did. And seeing you today, I feel so confused.”

“Are you lying?” asked Kyungsoo, reaching up to touch the back of Jongin’s neck. “I bet you’re lying. You didn’t miss me. I missed you. I think about you all the time and-“

Kyungsoo closed his eyes and let Jongin kiss him, the familiar plush lips pressing against his own. He felt like his tastebuds had deadened because of the beer, because he couldn’t taste anything when Jongin started kissing him deeper, his tongue flicking in Kyungsoo’s mouth.

“Why did you break up with me in text, huh?” asked Kyungsoo, their breathing ragged. “Did you think it was funny?”

“I was scared Kyungsoo, I was too scared to do it over the phone-“

This time Kyungsoo was the one who kissed Jongin, one arm around his shoulders and the other in Jongin’s hair as he pressed himself up against his body, the familiar feeling overwhelming him. Jongin’s hand were sliding up and down his back, the other dangerously low on his waist.

“I really did want to die because of you,” panted Kyungsoo, his lips already feeling swollen.

“I’m sorry Kyungsoo. Can we start over? I missed this and I was stupid.”

Shaking his head, Kyungsoo let Jongin go, while Jongin still was holding Kyungsoo.

“You think I’m going to forgive you that easily?” he spat, still angry. “It’s not fair. It’s about time I had some fun. You’re never allowed to do that to me ever again. I want to have my fun now. I’m going to have so much fun, just like you did.”

“Kyungsoo,” said Jongin, wiping a tear off Kyungsoo’s face that Kyungsoo didn’t even feel coming down. “I’m really sorry. I wish we could just forget what happened.”

“I’m sure that’s very easy for you,” Kyungsoo said, pulling himself away from Jongin.

Kyungsoo ran into the living room, glad that tears were on his face. Baekhyun, Chanyeol and Chen immediately ran to him, Sehun hovering around with concern.

“What happened?” asked Baekhyun.

“I just want to go home,” Kyungsoo gasped. “Please Baekhyun, take me home. I want to be alone. I shouldn’t have come here. I hate it here. Please Baekhyun.”

“Come on,” said Baekhyun. “We’re leaving.”

A/N This fic is going to have a lot of bitterness. I’m warning you now!