"Break"

I look at my lap, unable to hold up my chin to face Jongin. I totally feel panic, hurt, angry, sad, but above all; betrayed. I already cried too much even before I could ask him anything. It’s such a habit that I have when I got so mad. I really want to scream at him, yell at him, and tell him how he could do this to me. But before I go there, I need to know everything about this, about the affair that I missed to notice. Problem is... I don’t even know where to start.

After he confessed to me, I couldn’t say anything but walk away from Jongin. He followed me as quick as possible to the elevator trying to hold me, but I managed to stand as far as possible from him. I noticed he looked so awkward and uncomfortable. But before he could slip my name from his lips, I told him to stay silent; I didn’t want to hear anything before we arrived at my apartment.

Once we got in, I was angrily throwing my bag to the floor and without saying anything, I cried helplessly. I really wanted to throw everything in front of me. I wished I could be that brave and careless, that I could just recklessly being a mess. But I couldn’t. It’s not in my blood to be that emotional, to be angry like a bull. But I’m so so mad. Towards him, towards us, and foremost, towards myself.

How could I let this happen without knowing?

“Sera” he calls my name once I start to be calmer.

“Don’t say you’re sorry, Jongin”

“Sera, please listen to me first” he says as he walks closer to me, but again, I move away from him. Jongin sighed in annoyance, but he managed to stay where he is.

“Listen to me fist, please?” he pleads.

“You should not be telling me the truth. I should be the one who ask you, interrogate you. How-“I stop talking for a while, taking a short break, trying to breathe.

“How...How could this- No... How could you, Jongin?!” I scream at him, facing him with my teary face. I don’t care anymore, I just want to let out my anger so if I have to talk with him while crying, I will do it.

Jongin covers his face with his palm but then he faces me, straightly looking at me.

“Sera, Yo-You might hate me-“

“I already hate you” I cut his words, he just nods but then manage to continue to talk to me.

“You may not believe it, but actually...” he pauses for a while, gulping hard. “I don’t know”

“You don’t know what?!”

He shakes his head slowly, unable to say anything. I notice he starts crying as well. Jongin, my beloved boyfriend, sheds some tears as he talks to me, about another woman. How could I not be angrier than now?!

“I was so stupid... I hurt you...” he just said that, unable to look at me right now.

“What happened to you? What’s wrong with you that you act like this, Jongin? You can’t even tell me the reason behind what you’ve been doing?” I really can’t hold my tears. It just breaks away on its own and in seconds, I found myself crying so hard to the point I feel dizzy with my ears in pain. It’s so hurt; I couldn’t stop crying while waiting for him to explain everything.

“Sera...” Jongin moves closer to me, trying to hold on my hand but I shake my head quickly.

“Don’t touch me” I say coldly to him but I stay in my place, sitting down on the floor with Jongin kneeling in front of me.

This was not how I imagined my Sunday would be. These past three days had been nice, perfect, wonderful, put any good adjective on it. But this one fine evening had been ruined by his confession. I still can’t think clearly, everything was happened so fast I don’t know what or how to react properly. I was proposing about us staying together and he replied by saying that he has an affair?! How impossible it is?

“I know I’ve been doing a huge mistake in our relationship, Sera... I know... And although you don’t want me to say sorry, I regretted my decision and I really want to apologize to you. It may not be the right time, but there will never any right time to say this to you. I admit my mistake...” he says in defeat, wiping his own tears.

“And then what?” I whisper softly, still find it hard to speak in a full tone after I yelled at him earlier. It’s so exhausting...

Jongin looked up to see me. He’s still the same Jongin that I know, the one who would staring lovingly at me, who surprised me with kisses or sweet endearment when we’re too tired with each other, who care the most about me. I still remember how he was scolding me for keep coming home late because I have tons of work; he even went back to the office just to pick me up so I could go home. He’s my sweet man, but now... It’s so hard to think like that.

“Honey...”

“Is that how you call her too? Another ‘Honey’?”

“Sera, please...”

I suddenly look at him, noticing how strange his story was. We’re fine, there’s nothing between us... but he suddenly have another girl in his like, right when I asked him to live with me... Is it possible that....

“Is it... Is it because I told you that I want us to stay together? You never wanted to stay with me, to live with me. May-maybe the ring that you gave to me is just casualties. You’re actually...never wanted to be with me, from the very start. So when I asked you to move in with me, you’re scared. You’re afraid and-“

“Sera... Stop it” Jongin say, sighing as he shakes his head.

“No. No... It’s impossible. It’s too weird... Too perfect. It’s scripted! You made up this story, didn’t you?!” I ask him, looking at him with the most pathetic look I could gave to him. “The other woman is never existing, right?”

Jongin looking back at me in disbelief. Probably as surprised as I am. I must have been watched too much drama on the TV that I started to think the possible scenarios out of this story. I can’t believe that I start to lose my sanity, over the love of my life.

But the way Jongin didn’t say anything has made everything clear. It’s true, there’s another woman between us.

“Who is she?”

“A woman I’ve been seeing for a while” he answers shortly. Too quickly.

He really tests my patience.

“What is her name? Where does she live? How you two meet? Who is she?!” I screamed at the last question, making Jongin flinched as he looked back at me. I really can’t keep my calm and serene act over this situation. I’m so angry about this, and I really want Jongin to know about it.

“She’s my ex”

His ex? Like... he only had two ex-girlfriends before me. And I know both of them; he’s the one who introduced me.

“Who?” I insist to know the identity of this woman.

“Do we really have to do this, Sera?” he replies calmly.  

“Are you crazy or what, Jongin? You’re betraying me, with another woman. Don’t you think I deserve to know at least her name? The person who stole my boyfriend?”

It’s unbelievable. What does he expect? For me to just let go and say, “Ok, Honey. It’s okay; you’re just having an affair behind my back”? He’s the insane one if he could ever think about it that way.

“I want to end it” he says with a long sigh.

“End what?”

He really has this habit of saying a sentence without a clear subject or object.

“I disappoint you. I hurt you, I lie to you, and I betray you” he says, running his fingers though his hair in a frustrating way. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness...”

Wait, what does he mean by that? Yes, it’s true; it wouldn’t be that easy for him to get me forgiving him. He at least needs to show me the effort to be forgiven by me.

“Jongin...”

“Just let me go, Sera”

Is it really the end us?

“Jongin, what are you talking about?” I look at him with a horror following me through.

Am I misheard something here? Is Jongin really asking me to let him go?

“Just... Just let me go. I don’t... I don’t deserve you; I treat you so bad... I don’t even believe myself for doing this to you...” he says in exasperation.

“Then explain to me, Jongin! What had happened? How did this happen? How could you do this to me, telling me that you’re having another woman and now asking me to let you go? Is staying with me really that bad that you choose to just end everything we have?”

I really don’t understand him. What’s wrong with him, with us, or with me that he decided to start an affair and moreover wanted to end this relationship that he ruined?

Jongin closed his eyes, letting out more tears to come. I can’t stop crying as well. Right in front of me, Jongin looks like a little boy who just admitted that he’s doing a bad thing to his mother. But when asked why he did it, he couldn’t answer. And probably that’s the reason why he cried, because he’s unable to tell the truth or because he felt so bad to do it in the first place.

I really can’t imagine what sort of situation that made him looked for the other woman. I take care of him; he also did very well on taking care of me. We rarely fight, and when we do, it must have been because of something that’s serious enough to discuss. I never ignore him although we might not be the sweetest couple ever. We’re both giving space to each other, just because we know how hard our work is that it’s impossible to stick just with us two. We need more time with our friends or coworkers as well, and never once I act like that possessive girlfriend who strictly prohibit my boyfriend to spend time with his friends. We’re fine.

“I’m sorry, Sera...” he helplessly says the words, making me more desperate to face him.

“You can’t do this to me, Jongin. You can’t... “I shake my head quickly. “How could you do this to us? Jongin...” I really don’t know what to say. I can only let out my anger with my tears. I’m not good at arguing with people, because no matter how angry I was, I would only cry. I couldn’t speak harsh words toward him, I could only cry and cry; to show him how desperate I am towards this situation.

“Do you love her?” I ask him hesitantly, but more because I’m afraid to hear his answer. I probably going to faint if the answer is yes.

Jongin just stares at me with such a guilty expression, but I can’t translate it. Is it a yes or no? Oh God, please not a yes...

He shakes his head. “I don’t know...”

“What?”

Jongin, for the nth time tonight, just covers his face with his palms and shakes his head again and again. It’s not just his usual self; it’s not the Jongin I know.

“Oh my God... Are you developing feeling for her too? Is it already that far, Jongin?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t know, Sera”

“Are you really planning to leave me when you asked me to let you go? Is it really that is Jongin?”

“Sera...”

“I have not yet heard anything aside you saying my name, Jongin. Why? You can’t say anything? Why? Is it so hard for you to talk about her with me? Am I the third wheel now instead of her?”

“I’m ruined... I’m so sorry, Sera”

“Stop saying sorry like you are! You’re not sorry because you made this mistake, you’re sorry because you’re pity me... You left me from the truth, you.... You’ve just hurt me, Jongin”

Jongin moves closer to me, taking my hands and trying to hold it although I try to be away from him. This time, he insists and I stay as we’re sitting across each other, face to face. I don’t know how red my face would look like since I keep crying; it hurts so much I start to lose my sanity. I really want someone to wake me up and tell me that it’s a nightmare, but the way how Jongin’s skin feels on me, I just know that it’s real, so real that I start to feel so scared. I never think that I will lose Jongin, not in this way.

“Will you listen to me?” he softly asks, more like asking for permission. I’m not saying anything, I just remain silent and he takes it as a sign that I agree to listen to him.

“It started four months ago” he states, ignoring my cold stare towards his words. Four months, and we were having a good time recently. .

“It happened because I actually have this sort of the same interest with her. We’re into these certain games and the more I talked to her, the more I found our similarities. It felt comfortable to talk with her and without me realizing, I started to look forward to another meeting with her. It’s not for something romantic at first; it just felt like I’ve found the long lost friend. That’s all at first” he explains, still holding on my hand.

“She’s not your ex-girlfriend” I respond. It’s so easy to notice that he’s lying. He said it was his ex, but I know more than anyone that none of his ex love games like how Jongin would love his games. I don’t like games as well, but I let him playing it as much as he wants it. But seems that it doesn’t matter anymore since he finally found another woman who can actually play games, not just accompanying him with zero understanding of what he’s been doing with it. 

And he admits his lie just by nodding his head, agree to what I said.   

“We started to talk more often and if there’s any free time, we’d spend it to discuss about our interest. She brought me to a new excitement I never felt before...”

“Is it starts there?”

Jongin shakes his head again.

“It’s during one of the times when you’re away from the country. I-We didn’t plan it, it just... we suddenly agreed to join my friends to play laser tag and I brought her and-“

“So that’s your first date with her? Playing laser tag with your fellow buddies Sehun and Kyungsoo like you did with me? Oh, I’m sorry I was never really interested in laser tag that you could only play with Kyungsoo and Sehun along with their girlfriends while I watched from the side” I cynically commented, leaving Jongin in more guilty expression.

“Wait” I say, looking at him in almost disbelief. “Jongin. Please don’t say... Please don’t say she’s... your co-worker in the office?”

Jongin holds my hands tighter, couldn’t say anything else. And I assume it is true.

“I can’t believe this” I shake my head, taking my hand away from him.

“Listen, Sera”

“Unless you’re telling me who she is, don’t say anything else, Jongin” I cut him off, totally feeling baffled. He betrays me with someone I possibly knew. Is it really someone from the office? Are they

Jongin then took his phone and sent a text, filling the room with silence. A beep heard a sign that he gets a new message. Jongin is looking at his phone screen for seconds before he puts his phone back to his pocket.

“I never intended to hurt you. I thought it won’t be like this...” he says.

“Stop talking, Jongin”

“I know you deserve the truth, I know. And although it’s hard, I still have to let you know...” he says again, ignoring what I said earlier. It hurts so much to hear him saying this kind of things. Where are the happy us that happened just hours ago?

“Is she someone I know, Jongin? Huh?”

Jongin just look at me with a guilty feeling. He keeps looking at me, again and again. I usually like this kind of stare, when he looks at me as I look away from him, the look he gave me when I said something silly he doesn’t know what to respond; but this time, I really hate it. I t only means one thing, he’s afraid to tell truth. He’s scared of me.

“Jong-“

“Nam Sojin”

I stop talking and looking at him once again.

“Nam...Sojin?” I repeat the name. “Nam Sojin the one from Marketing Department? The one who is on the same floor with you? The one from your office?”

“There is only one Nam Sojin in this office, Sera” he responds.

“Why not just go all the way with my bff, Jongin?”

“Sera... That’s not what I intended to do”

“. Office mate. Oh wow, Jongin”

“Sera, please”

“No, Jongin. It’s supposed to be me; I should be the one who say ‘please’... Are we seriously over? Is this really the end for us?” I look at him desperately.

How come... How come we went like this? How come we ruined just in seconds? Where those three years went?

“I’ll tell you when it’s the time. I promise you”

“Jongin...”

“Please, Sera" he pleads with all of his body and soul.

"Let’s take a break”

I don’t know why but it feels like we broke up already.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little slow chapter, please bear it with me. Can’t wait to update you again, guys!