Wispy puffs of white slowly condensed out of Luhan’s mouth and gradually dissipated into the darkness of the night. The cold metal of the railing seeped through his clothing and chilled his skin as he watched the bright lights of cars whizzing down the street. Fall had come and gone, and another season soon replaced it, sneaking up on the broken area without warning. Luhan felt for those people. For those he knew that were struggling to find a warm place to sleep tonight and a warm meal to eat. But Luhan knew that he had to leave his own frozen haven before he could rest for a minute and think.

    Luhan watched as another car, a sleek black one, turned the corner of the intersection of the road up ahead and began to slow down as it softly purred down the broken street and soon came to a stop in front of Luhan’s apartment building. His breath caught in his throat and he knew immediately who it is was.

    His knight in shining armor.

    Luhan quickly swept his eyes over the dark neighborhood, knowing that this was probably the last time he would ever see this area again. If luck was on his side. He grew up on these streets and was taught everything he knew here. He left behind his childhood earlier than he thought he would have to, carelessly handing it over to someone who toyed with whatever innocence was left in a street-smart kid.

    The dark car that was parked out on the curb loudly honked, pulling Luhan out of his thoughts, telling him it was time. Grabbing the duffle bag that laid next to him, Luhan hoisted the strap over his shoulder and threw his leg over the frosty metal, about to scale down the fire escape. But something in the back of his mind kept him from going down. No, it definitely wasn’t the urge to stay, for Luhan was itching to get down and into the security of the awaiting car.

    Instead, Luhan felt the urge to gloat. Gloat towards the fact that he was now free. Free to love, free to gain back his innocence. Free to start again.

    So Luhan turned back. He turned back through the window, the same damned window that was once a pillar of his freedom, that now was welcoming him back into Hell and Hatred. He entered the bedroom, which was the same as it always has been. The fluffy white sheets were washed and fitted neatly on the bed. There was a dresser against the wall, which now lacked Luhan’s items, and instead, just contained the various jewelry and colognes that were once so familiar and loved by Luhan.

    Urgency quickly filled him, desperately wanting to see the one that he was running from, the one who had no clue Luhan was leaving.

    Tiptoeing out of the room and into the living room, Luhan cautiously peered into the living room and took note of the TV that was on, playing a football game that was currently going on, casting the room with it’s blueish hue. But then, he found what he was looking, lying on the couch, dead asleep.

    Sehun was sprawled on the couch, his feet over the side of the couch and his forearm covering his eyes, asleep. Luhan stood in front of him, arms crossed over his chest as he examined the lean body that he adored and praised, the chiseled jaw that was usually peppered with nips of love, once Luhan’s, but now other people had left their mark on Luhan’s favorite part of Sehun.

    Luhan’s eyes wandered to the phone that laid idly on Sehun’s chest, which was slowly brightening as it displayed the incoming messages Sehun was receiving, from which Luhan perceived to be as dirty messages from a girl under the screen name of “Sami”. Rolling his eyes, Luhan grabbed the fluffy blue blanket that was strewn carelessly on the ground and haphazardly draped it over Sehun’s body.

“Remember, no es after 11.” Luhan sarcastically spat with spite as he cautiously backed out of the room, the room he would be glad to never see again. The man on the couch continued to slumber on, not stirring even when Luhan slowly drew open the door and slinked out like a robber in the night and dashed down the cursed stairs.

The man behind the wheel nervously drummed his fingers against the leather steering wheel, the soft pop music that was currently playing through the radio doing nothing to calm his nerves. He had caught sight of the blond boy leaning against his usual place on the fire escape, and was expecting him to climb down to the car, but instead, the boy had gone back inside and had yet to come out. He was getting worried. The man reached down to pull the keys out of the ignition, but the sound of the passenger side door startled him and he look up to see Luhan climbing into the car with haste and throw his bag into the back seat.

“Luhan! I was getting worried, I was about to get down and get you.” The man exclaimed, his heart pounding from worry. The man besides him let out an airy laugh as he adjusted his jacket and warmed up his hands.

“I’m fine, Jongin. Had to say good-bye.” Luhan shortly explained to Jongin, not caring to indulge in the details.

Jongin gently nodded his head in understanding before he put the car back into drive, but Luhan placed a hand on top of Jongin’s on the gear and Jongin looked up to see Luhan’s look of pure happiness.

“Thank you. For everything.”

Jongin nodded and gently smiled towards the broken boy. “Anything for you.”

Luhan nodded in gratitude before buckling up his seatbelt and produced a box of cigarettes from his jacket pocket, much to Jongin’s disdain.

“One last time. A final reminder of him.” Luhan noticed the look Jongin had and mused before pulling a stick from the half empty carton and placed it between his lips, relishing the feeling of the stick between his lips and watched through hazy eyes as the familiar sight of rough streets passed by, and a feeling of relief passed through him.

“Did you cut up your sim card like I told you to?”

Luhan held onto Jongin’s coat sleeve tightly as the taller man led him up the cramped stairs of the apartment complex, the sound of loud children passing through the doors they passed by as they made their way up to Luhan’s new home.

“Yes.”

“Did you bring the amount of money I told you to bring?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll bring you the rest of the money next month. For now, make use with what you have. Which means no frivolous spending.”

“Jongin, isn’t this a little too much, I mean-”

“Luhan.”

Luhan looked up, surprised. Jongin stopped in his tracks in front of the green apartment door, placed both his hands on Luhan’s shoulders and gave him a hard look.

“We’ve been planning this for a month now. Everything I’ve decided has been taken into great consideration. We wouldn’t go through this much if this were under normal circumstances. But it isn’t. Sehun isn’t someone you can just drop. Once your his, your his. There’s no going back. You’re a liability to him now. But you left. And he’ll find you. God, Luhan, I’ve moved you all the way to Bucheon to get you away from him and his tyranny on the South Side. So you’re going to listen to me.” Jongin shook Luhan’s shoulders to get his point across and Luhan shook his head, indicating that he was listening to everything Jongin had to say.

“Get away from that life. Become your own person. He doesn’t own you now.” Jongin whispered, emotion laced in every word he spoke. “Don’t open this door for anyone you don’t know. Watch your back. Don’t call him. You’re gone, and we can’t go back. Do you understand?”

“Yes… I understand…” Luhan whispered, wondering just how much happened underneath his nose. Luhan had never taken into great consideration what Sehun was fully capable of.

Jongin noticed Luhan’s sudden look of great distress and playfully ruffled his hair with a soft smile. “Chin up. I’ll call you later.”

“Okay.” Luhan hoarsely replied as he attempted to keep in the tears that lined his eyes and threatened to fall. He found his head slowly being tilted upwards as Jongin placed his thumb and fore finger on Luhan’s chin and tilted his face upward. And soon, Luhan found himself in a vulnerable position. In a position he never thought he would find himself in.

With Jongin’s lips on his.

Jongin’s kiss was innocent. It was refreshing. But it gave Luhan the most wicked feeling ever. Jongin was his friend. This wasn’t right.

Their lips slowly moved against each other in a shy, yet sensual manner. Jongin’s lower lip moved slowly over Luhan’s lower lip while he cupped his face and Luhan reached out to grab Jongin’s coat, attempting to draw him closer. Luhan’s eyes fluttered shut as he savored the taste of Jongin’s lips, which were minty, unlike Sehun’s, which were tainted with tobacco masked by mouth wash.

To Luhan’s disguised chagrin, he found that he would prefer the taste of Sehun’s sinful lips over Jongin’s pure lips any day.

Jongin slowly backed away from Luhan and Luhan still kept his eyes shut, to keep the tears from flowing. Luhan found himself to rarely cry, even when Sehun hurt him time and time again, when he let him down over and over again, he remained strong. He never cried.

But now, without Sehun, Luhan felt very much vulnerable. He always relied on Sehun, even if the two were mad at each other or Sehun abandoned home for a few days to cavort with other women and men. But he always made him feel safe, even if it was for a moment, even though Luhan knew Sehun could see the evident sadness he caused the smaller boy.

And now he had no one.

“Bye, Luhan. I’ll check up on you later.” Jongin lovingly caressed Luhan’s cheek and Luhan subconsciously leaned into his touch.

“Good bye, Jongin. Thank you. For everything.”

And when Luhan opened his eyes, Jongin was gone.

And now Luhan was truly alone.

And that night, as Luhan settled into the shabbily furnished apartment, with broken faucets and a heater that only worked for 30 minutes at a time, as he laid in a foreign bed without the familiar heat next to him after a good thumping, Luhan wondered to himself and to the desolate loneliness of the apartment.

Was it really worth leaving his sad life behind for another sad life?

Luhan found his answer a few months later.

The winter season had slowly rolled by and was soon replaced with the spring. The peak of the seasons was a pretty time for Luhan. It was especially nice after Christmas, when talk of family and love had finally died down and Luhan was finally able to throw away the small, plastic tree that was lazily decorated with small white lights and contained no gifts underneath. The only gift of the season was that Luhan was able to pay the water bill on time.

But now it was out with the old and in with the new after the much awaited new year came around and Luhan was praying for a better start. But of course, the spring season brought along april storms.

As he walked down the narrow hallway of the apartment complex, Luhan made an effort to greet the children of one of the places on his floor. A small girl, who was around the tender age of 3, sat on the dirty carpet of the floor in front of an open apartment door, a plastic car in her hand as she watched Luhan walk by, her eyes wide in the usual way children would eye something of interest.

“Hello, Mei.” Luhan softly smiled and slowed down in order to bend down and ruffle her thin, silky hair. The girl continued to stare at him, eyeing him with curiosity. The girl was strangely quiet. She never made a sound louder than a soft whine, even though he knew children her age had already developed speech. But Luhan liked to work with her on the weekends about it, attempting to coax some words from her, but his attempts were proved futile.

Luhan straightened back up and peered inside to see the girl’s mother, a petite Indonesian woman, walking through the house while she had a phone in one ear and a paper in the other, her voice carrying through the hall as she yelled at the other person on the line.

“Hello, Mrs. Cindy.”

The women turned her head to look over at Luhan, and the once cross look on her face lightened when she saw him and she immediately grinned.

“Hello, Luhan! Good to see you!” She enthusiastically waved, and Luhan shyly waved back.

Luhan nodded his head and the woman immediately changed tones to continue her tirade on the phone and Luhan began to walk down to his apartment, located at the very end of the hall.

“Man.”

Luhan turned around, surprised. Mei looked up at Luhan, a blank look on her face as if she had not said anything. But as Luhan continued to stare at her in confusion, she pointed towards Luhan’s door and simply restated her chilling words.

“Man.”

Luhan let out a small laugh and smiled down at her. “Yes, I, a man, live in that apartment, Mei.” Luhan drew his grey hoodie tighter around his lean body and continued down the hall. “Good bye, Mei.”

Luhan jammed the key into the rusty doorknob of his apartment door, but instead found the door unlocked. How odd. Had he forgotten to lock it when he left the apartment?

Hurrying inside, Luhan kicked the door shut behind him with the heel of his foot and hastily kicked off his shoes, worried if something had happened to his apartment. To his relief, everything seemed to be in order. The kitchen lights were dimly lit the way he left them and everything was neat, tidy, and right.

Except, for the fact that the TV was on, which he had no recollection of even turning on. Making his way through the small walkway of the apartment, Luhan turned into the living room, but stopped dead in his tracks when he noticed that a head of brown hair was sitting on his couch, their feet kicked up comfortably on the battered coffee table, and Luhan immediately felt his knees go weak.

“Long time no see, babe.”

Luhan’s blood ran cold and his hands automatically seized up into a fist besides him, suppressing the urge to scream.

“Get out.”

The man chuckled and Luhan clenched his eyes shut tight, hoping that, if he wished hard enough, the man would disappear. Instead, the man did quite the opposite. Instead, the man got off the couch and got closer to Luhan, closer than Luhan wanted. Luhan could feel the man’s breath crawling down his neck as the men exhaled against Luhan’s skin, making it crawl.

“But we barely saw each other.”

“Get out.”

Luhan jolted when he felt a pair of cold hands place themselves on Luhan’s hipbones, the man’s strong grip abusing the soft skin that was hidden underneath the shirt. Luhan suppressed a shudder that tore through him, but forced himself to keep his eyes closed and his breathing steady as he felt the man’s breath draw near, to the point he was shivering, perhaps from a mix of longing and fear, as the man’s lips lightly touched Luhan’s neck and Luhan began to tremble underneath the man’s sensual touch.

“I miss you baby.”

“Get out. Get out before I call the cops, Sehun.” Luhan nearly choked out, his breath catching in his throat. The man let out a dark chuckle before bringing his face closer to the base of Luhan’s neck and began to nuzzle his nose into the soft skin, causing Luhan to inaudible gasp.

“You left me, baby. Didn’t even tell me. What a bad boy.” Sehun slowly began to creep his hands up towards Luhan’s shoulders and cautiously removed the hoodie Luhan wore, completely disregarding Luhan’s threats. “Why’d you leave me?”

“I am dead serious Oh Sehun, get the hell out.” Luhan spat out. He attempted to draw all the willpower he had left to somehow get a hold of himself and push Sehun off, but something about the scent of Sehun stopped him. Not only was the man wearing the only cologne that Luhan adored on him, yet Sehun hated wearing, it was nearly overpowered by the stench of alcohol that clung to Sehun. Luhan knew that Sehun would crack open a beer here and there if he were at a bar, but he would never allow himself to get wasted to this extent.

“Why’d you leave me?”

Something in Sehun’s tone made Luhan stop thinking. The way Sehun’s voice nearly cracked in the middle of the sentence made him double check his former lover, that now clung to him like a man drowning.

“Why’d you leave?”

“Sehun, I-”

Slap

“Who gave you permission to leave, you filthy ?”

    Luhan tentatively brought his hand up to his face, his fingers lightly padding the hit area on his cheek, his eyes wide in astonishment. In their 3 years together, Sehun had never, once put on a hand on Luhan out of anger. He felt tears gathering in his eyes and he looked up to face Sehun, who was glaring at Luhan, breathing heavily.    

    “Why did you leave.”

    “Because I don’t love you anymore.”

    Sehun eyes squinted as he examined Luhan, as if he couldn’t comprehend what Luhan was saying.

“What the hell is that suppose to mean?”

“It means, I stopped loving you. Somewhere along the line between Ashante and Kendra, I stopped loving you.” Luhan found that he had no reason to lie to Sehun. All the times that Luhan wanted to tell Sehun his true feelings late at night were now emerging and Luhan would not restrain them.

As Luhan’s heart pounded away in his ears, fueled with the unsaid emotions he wanted to release, Sehun got down on his knees and grabbed the sides of Luhan’s head, forcing him to look at him.

“Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me. After all I’ve done for you.” Sehun hissed. Luhan glared up at Sehun, watching those familiar, cold, calculating eyes narrow down at him.

“I don’t love you.” Luhan whispered, sadly shaking his head.

“Again.”

“I don’t love you.” Luhan whispered even quieter, hoping that Sehun would finally leave if he said those cursed words.

“Again…”

“... I… I don’t love you…” Luhan’s voice cracked midway, and he quickly began to doubt himself. Did he truly not love Sehun anymore? Of course he didn’t, that’s why he ran away from him. Right?

“Again.”

“God dammit, Sehun.” Luhan sobbed out, yet no tears came. Doubling over, Luhan covered his mouth with his hand and heaved, yet still, the tears did not come. “I do. I do, I do, I do, now leave me alone! Get out!”

“Who took you?”

“Jongin.”

“You’ve been ing around with my friend?” Sehun roared and Luhan quickly shook his head while clutching the hem of his shirt, his eyes downcast.

“No. He helped me leave…”

Sehun stayed quiet for a moment while Luhan attempted to catch his breath. The two were the closest they had been for a long time, even while Luhan lived with Sehun. The two were sitting on the floor, quiet and lost in thought. How exactly, did they end up like this? Once so very much in love, and now, so broken and cold?

“I thought you were just mad at first,” Sehun whispered and Luhan forced his head up to gaze into Sehun’s dull eyes. “I thought you just needed a break. And I didn’t care too much, so I  just… Ignored it. I went out with other girls, did everything normally, all that. Then, the week was over and I was getting worried. And then the second week came and went. And then I knew I messed up. God, Luhan, how did I not see it? How did I not realize how badly I messed up?” Sehun choked out, his words getting stuck in his throat as he looked down at Luhan, his eyes reflecting his true emotions. And then, Sehun gently placed his forehead on Luhan’s shoulder blade, much to Luhan’s surprise.

“Forgive me, my love.” Sehun cooed, bringing his head back up and gazed down at Luhan with such a tender look, that Luhan could hardly believe it. “My love. I can’t bear to be without you. My sweet baby. My dear Luhan.”

But Luhan already knew his answer.

“I swear to God, if you don’t get out right now.” Luhan’s voice trembled as he placed his hands out defensively in front of him, as if to block Sehun away. But instead, Sehun grabbed Luhan’s smaller hands in his larger ones and brought them to his lips, even when Luhan attempted to pull his hands away.

“Tell me. Look me in the eye and tell me you want me to leave.”

Luhan’s eyes remained downcast. “Yes. I want you to leave.”

“I’ve tried looking for you, Luhan. I looked everywhere. I didn’t sleep. I realized I needed you in my life.” Sehun clutched Luhan’s hands even tighter, disregarding the look of pain that flashed through his eyes.

“You still cheated. So many times. I’m so tired. I’m so tired, Sehun.” Luhan whispered and he slouched forward, his body weakening as the fight left him.

“I know. I know, my love. Do you still want me to leave?”

“Yes.”

And Sehun did exactly that. Luhan kept his eyes downcast as he heard Sehun sigh dejectedly, dropping Luhan’s hands and slowly got up. Luhan listened intently as Sehun’s footsteps resonated through the apartment and he slowly brought his eyes up to watch his former lover left the room, but Luhan knew, that he never left his heart, no matter how hard he tried.

And much to Luhan’s expectation, Sehun did show him just how much Luhan stayed in his heart, despite their differences. When Luhan laid in bed that night, restless and distressed, he knew exactly who it was that quietly approached him and laid down next to him on the side of the bed that was mutually reserved for one person, the one area of the bed that stayed perpetually cold. But tonight, that spot was warmed by a bigger presence that clung to Luhan’s waist, whispering countless apologies into his ear while Luhan listened and assessed.

And by the next morning, when the nostalgic scent of aftershave and sweet smelling cologne stayed on the pillow and was attached to parts of Luhan’s body that hadn’t been touched by those familiar hands in a while, rolling off the bed in waves, and while the sound of TV playing the morning news and the scent of coffee rolled into the room, Luhan found his answer.

Perhaps leaving his sad life for a sadder life was truly the best therapy. For spending one miserable life time with the person you loved, for better or for worse, was an option Luhan did not ask for, but perhaps, if Luhan made it through this gloomy life, he would be rewarded with many more happy lifetimes with the one who caused him such misery, yet such happiness, in a way that Luhan knew no one would ever give him. Perhaps Oh Sehun was his Hell-sent gift that was bound together by gift wrappings from Heaven.