“This is stupid.”

“Really stupid.”

“Extremely stupid.”

Around the classroom, dissatisfied murmurings were growing.  Suho didn’t seem to agree with the majority opinion, as he listened to their Home Economics teacher with sparkling eyes.  Kyungsoo was pretty sure the teacher could be lecturing about the life cycle of grass and Suho would still find it fascinating.

Kyungsoo sighed and took out his handheld gaming console.  He muted the volume and turned it on.

At first, he had been excited to hear that they would be learning about "Miraculous Eggs" in their latest Home Economics module.  An aspiring chef himself, Kyungsoo had plenty of experience with eggs of all forms: poached, beaten, whisked, fluffed, boiled, cracked over Baekhyun's head...you name it.  His hopes were dashed, though, when he learned that this would not be a culinary lesson. Instead, they would be pretending that the eggs were their babies or something.

What a waste of perfectly good eggs.

"Kyungsoo, pay attention," Suho whispered.  Kyungsoo quickly hid his console.

“...This unit is intended to teach responsibility, teamwork, and maturity..." blah blah blah...  "... You and your partner must keep a daily journal, and treat this project seriously." blah blah " Expect to spend quite a lot of time together raising your child; you are, for all intents and purposes, a married couple...”

A few of the girls started whispering and shooting Suho hopeful looks.  Kyungsoo frowned and clamped his hand over Suho’s forearm. Suddenly, he was a lot more invested in this stupid project.

“Suho and I are partners,” he announced loudly to the rest of the class.  “And no, we are not open to polygamy.”

For that outburst, he and Suho were awarded the honor of being first to receive their child: a white egg with a smile drawn on its surface.  Suho held the egg like an overprotective hen, cooing over how symmetric and round it was, and how it must've inherited its cute face shape from Kyungsoo.  Kyungsoo barely refrained from strangling Suho in public.  Meanwhile, Yonghwa asked Seohyun whether she would like to be his pretend wife, now that Suho Kim was off the market.

To Kyungsoo's annoyance, Suho insisted on carrying Exo (that was the name of their egg...child...thing) everywhere with them, in a crossbody phone purse that he'd borrowed from his sister.  They received several raised eyebrows from waitresses, salesmen, Kyungsoo's parents, Suho's parents, and that one rude grocery cashier who accused them of stealing Exo from the dairy section.  (Kyungsoo tried to point out that if he'd actually stolen something he'd make sure to not get caught, but for some reason that seemed to make the cashier even angrier.)  

Suho bought a stack of parenting books, and he flooded Kyungsoo's inbox with childrearing tips and stories that he found particularly inspiring.  He also made Kyungsoo sing Exo to sleep every night and got mad when Kyungsoo neglected Exo in favor of Goblinscape.

"Kyungsoo, don't be an absent parent!"

"Kyungsoo, don't teach Exo violence!"

"Mmm...wait, we can't do this in front of Exo!"

*****

Parenting Journal: Group 1 (Kim Suho & Do Kyungsoo)

August 1

KIM SUHO:

Today, Kyungsoo and I welcomed Exo Kim-Do to the world.  Words cannot describe the overwhelming emotions I felt as I held our precious newborn in my hands.  Exo is so fragile and breakable, but I can feel his hidden strength and potential.  Standing at 5.5 cm tall, 4.2 cm wide, and 1.6 ounces, he is just perfect! <3  This is a great responsibility, and I will always treasure Exo.  I am especially excited to embark on this parenting journey with the person I love 5th most in the world!

August 1

DO KYUNGSOO:

It's just an egg.

August 3

KIM SUHO:

I constructed a bed, a cradle, and a carrying pouch for Exo.  Exo's grandmother (thanks Mom! <3) helped me make hats and shirts for Exo to wear, so that Kyungsoo, Exo, and I can have cute matching family outfits! <3<3<3  I think we make quite an enviable sight.  When we went out today, no passerby could keep their eyes off of us!  

August 3

DO KYUNGSOO:

Please kill me now.

August 7

KIM SUHO:

Kyungsoo and I do not see eye to eye on proper parenting methods.   Why won't he just listen to me :( ????? According to Dr. Lee Teuk, expert child psychologist and father of twelve, one must provide their child with constant attention in their formative years.  Exo is already five days old, and I fear that Kyungsoo's hands-off approach may be hindering the emotional connection that is so important between mother and son. Still, I am confident that we will make this partnership work!  <3  How to Form Interpersonal Relationships has assured me that tension in relationships is beneficial, because we learn more about ourselves and each other by working out differences and realizing that we might not be right all the time.  So, I'm sure Kyungsoo will soon realize that I'm right and he's wrong! :)

August 7

DO KYUNGSOO:

I AM NOT THE MOM.

August 9

KIM SUHO:

Exo seemed a little paler than usual today, and I was worried he caught a cold.  I immediately called Kyungsoo so that we could make a decision together regarding the best course of action.  The only insight Kyungsoo had to offer was the fact that 4:32 a.m. was too early of a time to be roused from sleep.  He didn't have to be so mad about it though...I guess some people just aren't morning people... :(.  Anyway!  I carefully monitored Exo's condition for the rest of the day, and concluded that there was no immediate cause for concern.  What a relief!  

August 11

KIM SUHO:

Today, I arranged a playdate for Exo, since social interaction is important for young children.  Exo and F(egg) seemed to get along wonderfully!  I have included pictures below; aren't they cute?  <3 By the way I think Amber and Krystal should do a better job of maintaining their daughter's complexion.  It is always interesting to see other people's parenting methods, and I'm sure every parent has their reasons but mine make the most sense.

I wonder whether Seohyun and Yonghwa would allow a playdate with their son, Goguma?  He seems like a very well behaved and clean young egg.

August 12

DO KYUNGSOO:

Ok first of all, I'm only writing this because Suho won't talk to me unless I try harder or whatever.  Second of all I still think this project is REALLY STUPID Today the egg and I watched a movie called Chainsaw Killer Grudge 4.  Everyone should go watch it. I give it 9/10.  The egg seems to inherit Suho's wimpiness because it kept falling over on the armrest.  So I gave the egg time-out inside a box because children need to learn discipline. Then I played some Goblinscape in the food court.  The end.

August 12

PARK CHANYEOL (THIS IS WHERE I'M SUPPOSED TO WRITE MY NAME RIGHT?):

CHANYEOL WAS HERE XD XD XD!!! VISIT CHANYEOL'S HOT DOGS (WE ARE AN EGG FREE ESTABLISHMENT DON'T WORRY!) FOR THE BEST fooD IN THE WORLD!! PEACE OUT!!!

August 13

KIM SUHO:

Fun fact of the day! (Not that I'm trying to be passive aggressive or anything!) Studies have shown that exposure to violence increases violent tendencies, particularly in young children!  Movies about chainsaws, killers, or grudges, are probably not a good idea! I am sure Exo would appreciate a parent that is responsible about the media he exposes to his child! Just food for thought :)!

August 14

DO KYUNGSOO

Well maybe Exo wants a dad who doesn't make him wear embarrassing clothes

August 14

KIM SUHO:

Maybe Exo wants a dad who isn't addicted to some stupid online game!

August 15

DO KYUNGSOO:

MAYBE Exo wants a dad that isn't so controlling and nagging and ALWAYS has to be right all the time!!!!

August 15

KIM SUHO:

MAYBE Exo wants a dad who actually shows that he cares about me his family because you know sometimes it's hard to tell, with some people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

August 16

DO KYUNGSOO:

MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST BE QUIET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

August 16

KIM SUHO:

Fine.

August 17

DO KYUNGSOO:

ok maybe that was kind of mean.

August 18

DO KYUNGSOO:

sorry

August 18

DO KYUNGSOO:

Suho are you reading this?

August 19

DO KYUNGSOO:

You know I do care right? you know what I mean?

August 19

DO KYUNGSOO:

ok fine i love you

August 19

DO KYUNGSOO:

a lot

August 19

DO KYUNGSOO:

but you're still really annoying sometimes

August 19

DO KYUNGSOO:

but yeah I love you

more than Goblinscape I think definitely

August 19

DO KYUNGSOO:

come on Suho this is really embarrassing to write

August 20

DO KYUNGSOO:

are you going to keep ignoring me? 

FINE I get it, it doesn't feel good to be ignored

I will try to do the open communication thing more okay???

August 20

DO KYUNGSOO:

I'll let you be heads and I'll be tails this time...

August 21

KIM SUHO:

What a lovely day!  I am so happy to have a adorable partner, adorable son, and blessed life!  I am also happy to report that Kyungsoo has finally admitted the error of his ways. :)  Kyungsoo was a bit tired today from our conflict resolution session yesterday night, so I took it upon myself this morning to take Exo out for his daily walk.  It's very important that we exercise at least 20 minutes every day, and healthy habits are best formed early on.  My favorite activity is biking along the river...

August 30

KIM SUHO:

Today, Exo turns one month old!  This is a very important milestone in his life, and it's important that Exo knows just how much we appreciate him.  Kyungsoo is busy making a birthday cake.  I wonder what presents I should prepare for Exo... maybe some new outfits?  He hasn't outgrown his old ones yet though... Hopefully, Exo will hit a growth spurt soon.

I wonder how Kyungsoo is doing with the cake.  I hope Exo is having fun watching his mom cook!  I will go check!  I shall resume this entry later...

August 30

DO KYUNGSOO:

oops I think I killed the egg.

I was in a hurry because the oven was already preheated .... and all the eggs looked really similar...

It was an honest mistake.

At least the cake tasted good.

August 31

KIM SUHO:

My heart is too heavy for words. Please excuse the tear stains on this parchment--I cannot contain my heartwrenching sobs, for my grief is still fresh. I still get an A for this project, right?

August 31

DO KYUNGSOO:

It was an accident.

Really.

At least this stupid project is over

Instructor's Comments: Suho and Kyungsoo, please see me after class.