I hate him, that’s what I always say deep inside my heart everytime being together with him. I never give my heart to him even after married to him, it is because my parents force me to accept him as my husband. That’s why I hate my so called husband like a lot.

Even I was force to merried with him, I never let him know that I hate him so much and even I hate him we still do like married peoples do. I was force doing this because I don’t have other choice. Sometimes I think of run away from him, but I can’t because no one support me and my financial condition is bad since I was jobless. Both my parents love my husband so much, they always said to me that my husband is perferct and very match with me.

After living separated from my parents, I become a spoil wife. I do everything and anything I want without getting any complaint from my husband. I never do my job as a wife properly, I always depend anything to my husband. It is because I give him all my live so to make me happy is his responsible after he took me from my family.

I’m the queen. No one can against me in my house. A little mistake happens in my house I will blame it to my husband. Like put his wet towel beside mine, using my laptop, even if he just looking on it I never allow it, I hate when I see him put a wet spoon on the table after using it to make his coffee, I will throw my tantrum so bad when I saw his cloth on my wardrobe, I also get angry when I saw he use toothpaste not nicely, and I hate him when he called me when I’m hanging out with my friends. I don’t like everything he done.

At first I choose that I don’t want to have a kid. Eventough I am a jobless, but I don’t want to taking care of kids. He also agrees with me, I always taking a pill when we do it. But, no one knows that inside his heart he want to have kids, until one day he knew that I forgot to take my pills and he keep silent. I realize that I was pragnant after 4 months, I went to a lot of doctors to do abortion but all of them reject it. I was so angry to him. I get angrier when I know there were twins on my womb. I force him to sign vasectomy surgeon after I delivered our twins and he sign it, it is because I threated him, if he wont sign it I’ll leave him and our children.

Time passes, now my twins are 8 years old, like usual, I’m the last one who wake up in our home. I see both my twins and my husband wait me on the dinning table. Like usual my husband is the one who cook for us every morning, send the kids to the school. That day he remind me about my mothers birthday, and I just nod my hedd lazily. I never go to my mother birthday’s party, being trap on this marriage is her idea so unconciuosly I hate her as well.

Before he went to office he always kiss me on my cheek and followed by the kids. But today, he also hugs me till my kids while giggling. I release from his hug immediately, even at the end I join to laugh with my kids. He gave me another peck, like he really doesn’t want to leave me.

After they leave me, I decide to going to saloon. Wasting my time with treating myself at saloon is my hoby. When I arrived at one of my favorite saloon I meet my old friend Vicky, whom I don’t like since we are in school and she is my enemy. We talk to each other and showoff our things and our hectic yet fake schedule intentionally. After finish the treatment I went to the cashier but when I my bag I can't find my purse on it. I tried to remember where I put my purse till I decide to call my husband.

“Fany-ah mianhe, yesterday Alex asked me to pay his things, but I don’t have any cash with me so I took it from yours, and I forgot to put it back to your bag. If I’m not mistaken I put it on my desk.” He tried to explain to me with his soft voice.

I can feel that my face become red, I’m so angry to hear his explanation. I nag and whine to him really bad and push the red button without hearing his apologies. After minutes I heard my phone ringing, and it was from him. “WHAT NOW??” I shout at him.

 “Fany-ah, I’m on my way to home to take your purse and give it to you. Where are you now?” he talk really fast, maybe he afraid that I’ll end the phone before he finish his sentences. I give him the address and without waiting anything from him I end the phone call. I talk to the workers there that my husband is on his way and he will bring my purse. Actually I now the owner and Jessica told me that she was okay if I want to pay it letter. But I don’t want my enemy whom I meet before know about i don’t have any money to pay the bills.

It was raining and I keep peeking outside the saloon to see if my husband’s car comes. Minutes to Hours, I become impatience to wait him, I call his phone. No answer, I called it many times but still no answer. Whereas usually it only takes two beeps I will hear his voice. I start to feel something weird and angry at the same time.

Finally he answer my call, but before I start to shout I heard someone else voice answering my call. I just remind silent for a seconds till I heard the one one who answering Taeyeon's phone introduce himself “afternoon mam. Are you his wife? Mr. Taeyeon Kim’s wife?” I answer the question immediately. That man was a police, he told me that my husband got an accident and now he is at hospital. I keep silent and try to digest everything I heard, I end the phone call and sit on the ground, I felt that my hands become more cold than usual.

I don’t really know how, but now I was at hospital. Even I do not know when but all my families were here, standing beside me. I just shut my mouth while waiting my husband in the emergency room. I don’t know what am I going to do because all the time he is the only one who does everything for me. After hours I heard a click sounds from the door and the doctor inform us that my husband is passed away. But the accident wasn’t the main problem, he was died because a heart attack which is caused the accident. After hearing that, I was busy to calm my parents and his whom looks so shock. There wasn’t any tears comes out from my eyes. My kids crying like theres no tomorrow but they sadness didn’t give any effect to me.

After we bring Taeyeon's dead body to our home, I sit beside him, I look at his face, his white and pale face turn to be more pale than usual. I realize that this is the first time I saw him sleeping soundly. i look at his face so deep, that time I cant control my tears they come out from my eyes rapidly. My vision become blurred, I tried to rub my eyes and tried to stop the tears by trying to remember every part of his face so I’ll not forget the sweet memories that he done to me. I tried to hold it, but I feel like I lose my breath after I recalling back what I have done to him at our last phone call.

I remember that I never taking care of him, I never care about his health. I never cook for him. Whereas he always taking care of me, he always give me vitamins especially when I was pregnant. He never forget to remind me about my meals, and sometimes he feed me when I don’t want to eat. I never know what he likes, what his favorite and what the thing that he doesn’t like, I never care and never ask him. But most of our families now that Taeyeon really love instant noodles and coffee. I feel that something stab my heart, I never ask him how was his day, how was his work, is he eaten or not. Even I always reject him when he asks me to move to other place which near his office, it is because I don’t want to live far away from my friends.

I don’t know when I fall a sleep but I just realize that I wake up at my bed, it used to be our bed. What I feel is regret, I was regret to neglect him for our 10 years of our marriage. No one know what I feel when I lose him.

Days without him is not like what I want before, cause now I want him so bad, I want him sit beside me and sleep with me. Everytime my family try to convince me tp eat, but in that everytime I kind of seeing my husband who always convince and plead on me to eat. I keep calling him when I can’t do something at home like usual, but what I get is an empathic  words from his co-workers. Everytime I sleep I hope I will see him beside me when I wake up.

Before, I really hate to hear his snore when we are sleeping, but now I keep waking up at the midle of the night to hear his snore. I really angry when he always put any belongings of him untidy but know I didn’t saw any untidy things on my room, I will shout to him when I see him using my laptop but now I rub the keypad just to feel his remaining touch on it. All the things that I do is because I just realize that I got stab with his love.

I get angry to myself, I’m angry because I look like nothing happen with me tough he is not here anymore. I was angry because I still seeing his cloths and the smell of him is still here. The smells that make me miss him. I was angry because I can stop my regret. I was angry because he is not the one who calms me down when I’m angry, no one asking me to go to church. Even now I went to church willingly. I ask to God to forgive me, forgive my entire mistake that I’ve done to Taeyeon.

10 days after he left me, someone comes to me. He brought a lot of documents with him, and give it to me. It was my husband insurance and deposit at bank and lot of his company things on it. But what I notice is a pink paper, pink my favorite color.

Dear my lovely wife,

Forgive me because I was departing earlier than you my love. I’m so sorry to make you to responsible with what I left. I’m sorry that I can’t give more love for now on. God only give my a little time to love you and our kids, but even just a while, I admit that loving you and our kids were the best of my life.

If God give me a more chances, I want to company you till the end of the life time love, but I don’t want to makes you lost my love. Here is what I save from what I got, I don’t want you have a difficult in financial after I left you love. I may not much, but I hope that you can use it wisely to provide our kids. Do your best for them okay my love (;

Fany-ah uljima, don’t cry love. Do what you can do to change the time that you waste for nothing. I give your freedom back to get what you dreams that you can do when you are with me. Fany-ah mianhae if I was a burden to you and hope that you will meet your mate better than me.

To Alexa my lovely daughter, forgive me that I can’t be by your side anymoe. Be a good girl, be a good wife like your mother, and Alex my boy, my hero. Please watch your mom and your sister while I’m not here any longer and don’t be a naughty boy and always obey your mom, I’ll watch you from above. Okay Buddy!!

The only thing that I can do is cry after know how he love us that much until he left us he still give us his love, he never stop loving us.

I never think to do any relationship nor marrying to someone, there were a lot of men comes, but no one compare to him. Taeyeon, my great husband even he is not in here anymore but he is stay in my heart for ever. When my parents leave my one by one, no one give me a huge impact like I felt when Taeyeon leave me.

Now my kids were 23 years old, and Alexa my daughter will marry with someone in two day. Once she came to me and ask “Mom, how should I do after I become someone’s wife, cause you knew that I can’t cook, doing laundry, and..”  Before she finish her sentences I hug her while said “Love, love your husband, love what your heart chosen for you, love him with what he has and you will get anything. Love can cause you to learn to make him happy, and accept him as himself.”

My daughter looks at me deeply “like your love to dad? The kind of love like that make you loyal to him even till now?”

I shook my head, “No, love. Love your husband like your father loves me and like he loves both of you. I’m loyal to him because his love for us is so much”

I may not lucky because I can’t show my love to Taeyeon. I spent 10 years to hate him, but I spend my whole life to love him. I was free because of his death, but I will never free from his pure love.