He was the best thing to ever happen to me. I was madly in love with a boy name Han. Lu Han. He was my other half, my dream man, my everything. We hadn’t always been together, but we’d always been friends. I knew the moment I saw him, sitting on the other side of the classroom, that we were meant to be. We’ve since graduated high school, and were almost done with university, but that day feels like long long ago. 

I open one eye and looked down at my phone for what felt like the millionth time this month. Nothing. It’s like he just up and disappeared, which is basically what he did. But I couldn’t believe it. One day, he was here, eating soup at my mother’s house, and the next day, I couldn’t contact him. No one knew where he was, or they knew and just wouldn’t tell me. I still wished it was the latter. And I also fear for those people’s lives if I find out it is the latter.

“Get up, Miyeong.” my mother’s voice rang out from behind the closed bedroom door. I rolled over in bed. It was getting easier to make myself get out of bed, but these past 5 months have not been easy. “Miyeong?” she called, lightly rapping on the door. “Yeah?” I call back,  not bothering to move. “Breakfast. You need to eat. Aren’t you going to see Sehun today?” I glanced at the clock on the bedstand. “Not till 2 this afternoon.” I call out, and fall back in bed. The door slowly opens, and I bundle myself even deeper in my comforter. “Honey, eat. Please. You’ve lost so much weight. Eat some pancakes.” And then the bacon smell hits me like a truck, and I fight the urge to get out of bed. 

She wins. I trudge down the stairs, and my phone rings. It’s Sehun. “You’re coming today right?” he says, “Yeaaaaaah.” I reply, still not quite awake. “English Mi, I need help with that paper I’m supposed to write. Don’t tell me you forgot!” he whines. “I didn’t forget Sehun, I’ll be there at 2. My mom’s dropping me off.” I stifle a yawn, and almost trip on the last stair. “Alright, thank you so much! I owe you big time.” he says, and I can practically feel his smile through my phone. 

“Sehun?” my mom flips a pancake on the griddle. “Yeah. Reminding me about today.” I reply, pulling out a chair. Staring at my reflection in the coffee, I can’t help but smile. I didn’t used to drink coffee, but Han would down that stuff like water sometimes, so now I drink more coffee, one sugar, two creamers, every morning. “I had to buy another case of coffee yesterday. We seem to suddenly love coffee, no?” my mom says. I don’t bother replying because this will turn into another conversation about Han that I really don’t want to have. 

“Have you heard from Han?” she asks, and there is the question I was waiting for, since she brought the coffee up, and I wish my empty stomach and bacon craving hadn’t existed 10 minutes ago. “No.” I say, and stuff the bacon in a napkin, along with two more pancakes, and leave the table. Climb back up the stairs to my haven. Damn. I forgot syrup. Continuing to stuff my mouth, I turn on my iPod, shuffle it, and who else would play, but Bruno Mars? One of his favorite American singers. I want to cry, but I think I’ve run out of tears. I did spend a whole month of my school vacation in my room, crying all day, so I guess there’s just no more. 

Another knock at my door. “Sweetie, I’m sorry.” It’s my mother again. Apologizing again. Even though I’m sure she’ll ask next week. I turn up my music louder, finish my food, and begin my daily routine. I do things in a routine now, because that routine doesn’t include Han, and I have to cope with his absence somehow. So, I do some stretching, some praying, pick up my area, and head for the shower. I used to take long showers, but then I’d just start thinking about him. So now, I play karaoke music, and take the shortest shower possible.

♦

It’s 1:30, and I’m ready to go. My mom gets in the car, and we begin our silent drive to Sehun’s house. I met Sehun two years ago through a mutual friend. He reminds me a lot of Han in a lot of ways. They look similar, they have similar interests, sometimes they say the same things, and have the same mannerisms, and although Sehun is two years younger than Han, it’s like they’re twins. Everyone knows this, except Sehun himself, and everyone disapproves of me hanging out with Sehun, but he’s all I have right now. 

“I’ll call you when I’m done.” I say, and hop out with some textbooks and materials. I walked up to the house, rang the doorbell, and his dad answered. “Hello, Mr. Oh!” and he gives me a hug. “It’s good to see you again, Miyeong. Thank you for helping our Sehun.” His mom waves at me from the kitchen where she appears to be making popcorn. “Mi! You’re here.” and there he is. Man, his hair is always so perfect. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to him. But no one needed to know that. “Sehun! I brought stuff to help you with.” and he envelopes me in a hug. I always look forward to seeing him, because of this. 

“So, I was thinking we could watch a movie before we begin? Yeah?” he suggests, and plops himself down on a couch, patting the cushion next to him. “Here, I made you guys some snacks.” and his mom places a bowl of popcorn and chips on the table in front of us. “Thanks mom!” And she walks out. Sehun presses play, and I sink into the couch, when I realize I’ve seen this movie before, with Han. Han’s Chinese, so he translated the entire movie for me. It’s a Hong Kong drama and but instead of him translating, there’s Korean subtitles on the bottom. I don’t know if I can watch this, I don’t know if I can handle this. But Sehun’s so into it, and I’m becoming a nervous wreck. He looks so comfortable, leaning on the cushions. 

I don’t know if Sehun realizes I’m internally freaking out, but his arm slowly ever so slowly reaches behind me, and guides me onto his chest. My heart is in a frenzy, and I instinctively close my eyes. Oh my god, it feels just like Han. It’s Han holding me. And we’re watching Cantonese movies, tears threaten to fall, this strange sense of calmness overcomes me, and I let myself go as his hands close around my shoulders. His chest, Sehun must work out. This feels so wrong. But it feels so good. I keep my eyes closed, and Sehun comes even closer to me, till I’m almost laying on him. His breath is sending shivers down my spine, he’s lightly breathing on my neck, and I don’t want to open my eyes, but I swear, it’s Han. “Miyeong?” he says, and I open my eyes, to find myself laying in Sehun’s arms. I don’t want it to become awkward, so I continue laying there. It still feels nice, even though Sehun’s blonde hair is a stark reminder that I am not in Lu Han’s arms. It feels a little too nice. 

His mom walks in, clearly surprised. I’m sure Sehun’s told her about Han, and I catch fall open a little bit, but she acts like nothing happened, and sets some more snacks down. Suddenly, at the top of the staircase stands Suho, Sehun’s brother. He gives Sehun a very very pointed look, and Sehun loosens his hold on me. “I’ll be right back, Mi.” he says, and I return to my original sitting position. Suho doesn’t look too happy, and I hear voices drift down the stairs, 
“I thought she was here....help...paper”
 “Hyung...I know...but...movie.”
“Sehun, you shouldn’t....” 
“Don’t..me...” 
I already know what’s going to happen so I pay attention to trying to listen in on them. Sehun comes back down the stairs followed by Suho, and the movie is turned off. 
“You’re here to help Sehun.” Suho sternly voices. I just nod, and Sehun returns with his laptop. He writes and writes, and we get several pages in, before I return home. Sehun quickly hugs me before I leave, and grabs my hands, staring into my eyes. I pull away, and his eyes change as I say Goodnight. 

♦

This turns into a habit, I get up, do my routine, and head over to Sehun’s to study. He helps me with calculus and chemistry, I help him write papers and study English. Sometimes we hold hands while we work. It brings me comfort, and I guess I’m used to it now. He hasn’t held me like he did that one night, and I find myself spending more time in the shower, just to think about Sehun, and how kind he is. How his eyebrows furrow when he can’t pronounce a word, and then they go up in relief when he figures it out. I think about how his hands are strong and warm all the time. I think about how broad his shoulders are how his height is quite complementary to mine. My hands don’t feel for my phone in the middle of the night anymore, and even though I still spend 10 minutes every day just looking at pictures of Han and I, I guess I spend more time with Sehun. He’s a nice distraction. 

Before he left, Han said we’d get married soon, and I find myself thinking about that more and more lately. It’s now been 7 months since he disappeared, and I wonder if I’ll ever get married. If I’ll have the guts to get married. If Han will ever come back. Even though Sehun’s a perfect distraction, yet reminder of what I don’t have, Han’s in my thoughts every day. 

I’m back at Sehun’s house and today we’re doing arts and crafts. He’s got his whole crew here from school, and he invited my best friend Yoojin, so we’re just all painting and having fun. Yoojin is suspicious of Sehun and I, but I pretend like there’s nothing going on between us. In all honesty, maybe there’s a little something, but I’m still in love with Han, so I don’t know. It’s a mess that Sehun distracts me from with his golden smiles, warm hugs, and strong hands. And that chest. Yoojin’s painting some flowers to hang up in her room, and I’m painting a rainbow. Sehun’s painting a heart. 

“That’s such a pretty shade a pink” some other girl comments on Yoojin’s paint choice. “Thanks” she says, with a blank face, because the girl is always up to no good at school, and Yoojin doesn’t want to be involved. “What’s the rainbow for?” she asks me. “It’s a symbol of hope.” I reply, trying to be nice, because Sehun invited her. I dip my paint in the purple, to finish the last row of colors. “I think I’ll keep this for my room. Will you give it to me?” she asks, and Yoojin eyes her angrily. “I’d like to keep it for myself.” I say firmly. Sehun glances over, and the girl notices. “Oppa, isn’t this a pretty drawing?” he nods, and continues his own painting. 

“I bet she wants to keep it because she thinks Han will come back.” she comments, smirking at me. Sehun’s eyes flare, and I am motionless. Han. Han. I reach for my phone, and it’s dead. I always keep it on just in case he calls. I stand up, feeling suffocated. “Sehun, do you have a charger I could borrow? My phone is dead, and I need it to contact my mom later.” He places his painted heart down, “We have one over here, come on I’ll show you.” and he leads me out of the room. I look behind me and Yoojin’s mouth is set in a straight line, while the other girl’s is in a horrified pout. 

“Are you okay?” Sehun asks, as he plugs in my phone for me in his kitchen. He’s never asked me about Han, and I’ve never told him. “You know, right?” I ask hesitantly. He only nods. The silence is overpowering, and I know I should leave, but I don’t want to face anyone in the other room, and as my phone turns back on, my hands tremble seeing one missed call. Holding my breath, I unlock it, only to see that it’s Kris, a friend of mine, but he’s in the next room, so it’s not important anymore. Disappointed, I gently place the phone back on the counter, and Sehun comes up behind me, wrapping his arms around me from behind. 

He rests his chin on the top of my head, and I close my eyes, remembering that Han couldn’t quite reach the top of my head, so he’d nestle his head in the crook of my neck. I’m fully aware it’s Sehun, and yet I can’t bring myself to pull away. Come on Miyeong, just pull away. Take a step forward. Come on. And my body doesn’t listen to my brain’s commands. Instead it just follows Sehun’s body and soon I’m pressed up against the kitchen counter, facing the boy, breathing heavily. He’s tracing patterns on my back, I feel like I’m melting, and every second I’m just craving Han’s touch, even though I’m aware it’s not Han. It’s Sehun. He interlaces our fingers on my right hand, and leans forward. I can feel him pressing up against me, when suddenly he stops. I open my eyes, my heart rate begins to slow, and he’s just centimeters from my face. Slowly peeling himself away, we just stare at each other. “I’m Sorry.” he says quietly, and flees. I touch my lips and now he’s left me wondering what his would have felt like if they were on mine. 

I calm myself down, and message my mom to come pick me up in 30 minutes. Leaving my phone in the kitchen, I return to the living room which has gone surprisingly quiet. Most of my painting has dried, and I finish off a few more details without saying a word. Yoojin nudges me and raises an eyebrow. I just shake my head. Not now. Most of the guys have left to find Sehun. I guess I just give guys the urge to run away. The girls are busy talkng amongst themselves except for Yoojin and I. The girl who wanted my rainbow, who I find out it is named Senah, is whispering loud remarks about Han, Sehun and I. I ignore them, but Yoojin can’t. 

“Senah, Stop.” Yoojin looks Senah straight in the eyes, and doesn’t back down. She has a very intent glare, and Senah’s beginning to crumble under it. “Your friend is such a .” she shakily announces, and something inside my ticks. I gently place my painting aside where it can’t fall, and walk up to Senah. “Say it to my face.” I say to her, because I can’t think of anything else to say. A very calm anger is growing inside of me, and I know I shouldn’t even bother with this Senah because she’s definitely not worth my time, but with what just happened with Sehun, and Han’s been gone for so long, I just had enough. I slapped her, and with that, war began. The guys returned with Sehun to an all out cat fight, Yoojin and I, against Senah and her friends. “ENOUGH.” Sehun roars, and I back away from Senah. He looks at me with hurt eyes, and Suho asks everyone to go home, but not before reprimanding us for acting that way when we are all in college. I shuffle away to the kitchen to get my phone. 

“What happened.” Sehun demands as he follows me into the kitchen. “Why don’t you ask her? She’s your friend.” and with that I storm out. Thankfully my mom is in the driveway of Sehun’s house, and I hop in the backseat without a word. My mom senses my discomfort but she doesn’t ask about my bruised cheek nor slightly swollen nose. We return home, and I get some ice, painkillers, go up to my room, listen to Han’s old voicemails and let his voice lull me to sleep, “I Love You, Miyeong” is the last thing I hear before everything turns black, and somewhere inside of me, knows it’s Han, but wonders what it would sound like if it were Sehun. 

♦

Today, it’s been 8 months, the spring semester has begun, but I’m taking a semester off...and I’m heading to Sehun’s house again. I spend a lot of time here now, and no one questions it, no one actually knows, except for us and his parents. I ride my bike, because it’s a bit far to walk, but I can get there with just a 25 minute bike ride. My mom never drops me off anymore, though she does pick me up sometimes. I think she just assumes I spend my time wandering around the city, keeping busy, and she encourages me to go out. That’s the one thing I appreciate about her. She trusts me to make my own decisions and stay safe. Sometimes I do just wander around the city and look at coffee shops, clock shops, cupcake shops, pottery shops, music shops, anything that catches my fancy. Sometimes I watch a romcom alone in the theater with a big box of popcorn as my date. Sometimes I spend the entire day reading Jane Austen in an oversized chair. Or walk along the river. 

Sehun’s growing plants to sell for his fraternity. I laughed my off when I found out he joined one, because he just isn’t the frat type of boy. He’s too sweet and down to earth for that. He kept it from me because he didn’t want me to , but how could I not? But, he asked for my help last week since he knows not one single thing about gardening, while gardening is something I’ve taken up lately. So, today, I’ve promised to take him shopping. 

It’s a bit breezy, as the winter chill is carried away, and spring approaches. The days are longer, and although the morning’s are freezing, the afternoons bring a bit of sun. “Hey, Mi!” he waves to me from his front door, “Wait here.” and he rushes inside, yelling something at his parents, that I don’t quite catch, but I hear my name, so I assume he’s announcing our departure. “Sehun, what are you doing?” I call out to him. The opening of the garage door answers my question, and I realize that Sehun’s never driven me anywhere before. “Come on Mi, hop in.” and I glance at the 4 rings forming the Audi logo. His eyes are gleaming with