I placed the picture frame face down because I couldn't handle the pain of a memory.

As my eyes fluttered shut, I remembered Taemin holding my hand as he led me into the middle of a field full of white flowers, directing me the entire time. Him being the photographer he was, he was determined to get the perfect photo of us; he woke me up early to grab the right amount of sunlight, he had us wear matching white outfits, and he even asked me to do my makeup in a certain way - "Make it bright and fresh!" he exclaimed. Taemin started to get stressed out and would shrug me away if I tried to comfort him. I remembered thinking that perfection wasn't entirely my thing - and that he was kind of being an at the moment - but if it would make him happy in the end, I would do anything.

I remembered Taemin's hair gently blowing into his eyes as he set the camera up on the tripod, his fingers adjusting the lens to face us and setting up the timer to take numerous photos. The tension was evident in his expression and I could feel that he lacked such passion as we took the photos. I could remember feeling uncomfortable as he held me in his arms, and I hated it. The days before this little trip of ours, I remember that he had been caught up in work meaning we had very little time to spend together. I should've felt happy to have this little photo shoot, to actually spend time with him, but it felt nearly impossible with this strained atmosphere. I couldn't take it anymore; I broke away from his arms and gave him a big, fat kiss on his lips. The kiss was quick, but even now as I lay on Taemin's chest, I could still feel the soft skin underneath mine. I remembered his confused expression when I released him and he was about to interrupt me, but I only kissed him again just to shut him up. This time, I remembered him tasting like honey as he melted underneath me, our lips working against one another. My heart ached as I envisioned our connected lips in my mind, for I wanted to feel that sensation so badly once more. That sort of ecstasy was something one only felt once in a lifetime and I needed that like I was addicted to it.

After three years in solitude, a feeling like that is something that comes from a dream.

When my mind became recaptured by the memory, I remember feeling that the tension that was in the air beforehand had disappeared. From then on, Taemin and I couldn't seem to stop laughing. We stopped looking at the camera and rather became lost in each other's eyes. We kept picking the flowers out from the ground, playing with the little white petals and letting them into the air so that they could dance with the summer breeze. I remember leaving the flower-filled field hand in hand with flowers tucked behind our ears and woven into the ends of our hair. I remember Taemin looking at my blonde hair adorned by flowers and the breeze blowing through the white fabric of my dress, and him whispering, "I don't think I've ever seen anyone look so beautiful in my whole lifetime." I remember Taemin and I sharing one last kiss as the sky began to fill with diamonds.

I remember feeling like a princess that day. And I remember falling in love all over again.

Returning to the realm of reality took my breath away. When my vision cleared, I found myself looking down at the broken picture frame, in my small apartment where no sunlight shined, where no flowers grew on the ground, and where only silence filled the air where laughter should've been. In the darkness, I held on tightly to that memory; I didn't know when I'd be able to see or feel anything like that ever again.

Through the broken glass lay a lifetime of memories and happiness, of smiles and the scent of Taemin's hair on my lips. It reminded me of something that I had always longed for and the life that I haven't had for the past three years. But our smiles also reminded me of something that I couldn't get back, the sense that I had somehow caused our separation, that I had shattered our romance like this broken glass. I couldn't bear to look at my happy smile anymore, for that was the smile of a monster. I lay the picture frame face down on my lap, and decided to listen to Taemin's heart beat than the whirling dangers of my thoughts.

"I have a feeling that I've fallen in love with you, but I don't know why and I don't know how," I ended up saying after a few deliberate moments.

I felt Taemin's gaze looking down at me as he said, "Then how do you have this feeling?"

With the memory of white flowers and laughter still burned in the back of my mind, I intertwined my fingers with his and I whispered, "Love makes you feel things you haven't felt before. It can cause pain. But it also causes happiness. When I look at that picture, I feel pain, but when I look at you, I feel calm and happy. I haven't felt these things in three years, Taemin, and I don't even know you. That's love... right?" I need to feel loved again.

"Yes. That is what I feel when I look at you," Taemin answered. I felt envious hearing how sure he was. I wanted to be able to look at someone and say that I love them. But my heart has been too damaged to do even that.

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" "Even after all these years, I still don't know. And that, my dear, is a good thing." "Good." The pain of remembering started to exhaust me, and I just wanted to fall asleep. For a moment, fear struck me; would I fall asleep alone again? Then I remembered that Taemin was underneath my chest, breathing in the same air that I was. Our hands were held; our bodies were pressed against each other for warmth. I drifted off to sleep with a comforted smile on my face for the first time in three years. For the first time in three years, I wouldn't be alone.

I began to fall in love again, and I didn't even need a memory to do it. The thought of how easy it was to do this almost scared me, but it also warmed me. This is love. Right?

¿

When I woke up, everything had changed.

The blinds were wide open, letting sunlight spill through the open shades and drown the living room in a brilliant white. The walls and the carpet were that same color; any hint of beige or dark brown was nowhere to be seen. A noticeable amount of trash had seemingly vanished from the corners of my apartment along with the dust mites that once floated in the air. Sounds and scents were coming from every direction; a piano was playing a dreamy melody from a radio in the background, sizzling food on the stove that hissed with the rising steam. My eyes struggled to take in all of this new information, but my mind had already adapted to its new surroundings.

I expected a whirlwind of questions and outraged thoughts to pop into my head, but my thoughts were unexpectedly quiet. If it weren't for this new discovery, I would've questioned why there was this deafening silence, but I felt too at home to even care.

I haven't used the term "at home" in three years, because for the past three years, I wasn't in a home. I could only describe my apartment as "somewhere to hide".

After shrugging off the comfy beige blanket that lay on my shoulders - yet another thing I didn't know I had - I stood up, wiggling my toes among the newly cleaned carpet. As I guided my body towards the sounds erupting from the kitchen, Taemin slowly came into view from the countertop. He didn't seem to notice my presence but his attention was rather focused on the eggs and bacon bubbling and sizzling on the frying pan. His white t-shirt that was about a size too big had slipped unbidden down his shoulder, revealing milk-white skin underneath. His black hair was perfectly messy and hung just over his eyebrows

Even in imperfect state, at that moment, he was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Where the hell did that thought come from?

Finally, Taemin looked up and spotted me from the corner of his eye. His lips crooked upwards in a lazy yet amused smile, taking in my bed-head hair and crumpled clothes. "G'morning, Soojung," he singsonged nonchalantly. "Did you sleep well?"

I couldn't help but chuckle at how calm he was as if all the change around him didn't confuse him one bit. "What did you do with my house?" I questioned, my eyebrow raised as I propped my chin up on the countertop.

"You said I could help you remember," he replied, his fingers maneuvering the spatula as he lay the eggs on two plates. "And what better way to jog your memory than to relive it?"

"The light nearly blinded me. I felt like a vampire."

"Back then, you loved the light. You said it gave you a certain 'morning glow'." His fingers raised in air quotes, then returned to shoveling a pile of bacon onto our plates.

"More like 'morning blindness'," I countered, mimicking his air quotes.

"You also loved to be sarcastic."

"At least that part is something I can remember."

"You'll remember more if you actually fuel some energy into that body of yours. C'mon, breakfast is ready."

As Taemin and I sat down by the table side by side, I marveled at the clean tablecloth and the feeling of smooth and spotless tiles underneath the skin of my toes. Everything in the kitchen was polished until they were spotless. The overflowing garbage bag disappeared from its hanging place on the refrigerator and the sink was free of dirty dishes. A vase full of white flowers caught my eye out of everything as it sat right in front of me, acting as a majestic centerpiece.

It was exactly as Taemin remembered it.

Taemin was staring at my fascination the entire time when he chuckled. "Aren't you going to eat?" he questioned.

My gaze drifted to the food still sizzling on the clean, porcelain plate. In response, I scooped up a forkful of the eggs and the bacon and stuffed it into my mouth. After having ramen and beer for three years straight, eggs and bacon tasted like a gourmet dish. This led to more food being stuffed into my mouth until I looked like a chipmunk hibernating for the winter. I swallowed with a loud gulp before turning to Taemin, and then blushed in embarrassment when I looked down at his untouched plate. 

I spoke my thoughts aloud as I set my fork down on my now cleared plate. "It's been a long time since I've had something other than beer for breakfast," I said sheepishly, my gaze cast downwards.

I expected Taemin to look disgusted, but instead, he perked up even more than before. With his index finger, he tilted my chin up so that our eyes met and smiled. "I'm just glad you're filling up that tummy of yours," he replied. I couldn't turn away from the sparkle in his eyes; he genuinely wanted to take care of me.

I felt disgusted with myself for not being able to reciprocate such feelings.

"What about your tummy?" I questioned, hiding my shame by gesturing to the food sitting on his plate. "I want to take care of you as much as you do, you know."

Taemin shrugged off my statement with a chuckle. "I'm not hungry. I really just care about you."

Despite myself, I couldn't stop myself from thinking, How does he care about me when he doesn't even know me?

Hearing such emotion come from Taemin's voice was enough to make my cheeks go red. Stammering, I changed the subject by the loose white fabric hanging and drooping from Taemin's chest. "W-where did you get this?" I said, trying hard to ignore the change of tone in my voice. 

If Taemin acknowledged my tiny embarrassment, he hid it very well. Instead, his head tilted back and pointed down a well-lit hallway that was no longer filled with cardboard boxes and now lush with green potted plants. His finger directed my gaze to a door on the right, but when he looked back, his lips weren't smiling, but in a tight line. "Oh, I just found it in our - I mean, your bedroom."

My eyebrow raised in confusion; I don't remember ever having a bedroom here. "How did you get inside?" I asked.

"That's... I... don't know if you want to see it," he replied vaguely. His hand tried to reach for mine, his fingertips sending tiny electric currents through my skin.

This one comment sent my thoughts whirling around my head in a frenzy. I could no longer hear the soft piano in the background or Taemin's pleading voice; instead, imaginary static filled my ears with a deafening volume. I shrugged off Taemin's fingertips off of my hand and stood up harshly, sending my chair flying across the shiny linoleum. My thoughts started to control my movements and started to move me towards that mysterious hallway. I ignored the trailing footsteps behind me and only set my eyes on the door to the right, my vision tunneling at the sight of it. Fumbling through my way through the jungle of potted plants, my fingers landed on the brass doorknob and turned it furiously in a desperate attempt to break through. 

It gave way easily, and the static cleared from my ears as I opened the door to my bedroom.

The first thing I noticed was the dust. A fine layer of dust mites blanketed everything in the room, from the untouched white bed sheets to the shining mahogany armoire positioned in the back corner of the small room. The lace curtains were shut tightly and the only source of light came from the lamp on the nightstand by the bed. It shone a dull yellow light on the room and only illuminated a third of the carpeted floor. Everything was organized and neat, and looked as if it hadn't been touched in years, which is probably what had happened to the contents of the bedroom. The only things that looked out of place were the shirts, pants, and skirts scattered about the bed and the doors of the armoire open wide.

I walked into the room with hesitant footsteps, my thoughts drawing me to the open armoire. I could feel Taemin trailing behind me, and in my peripheral vision I could see his furrowed eyebrows and his fingertips indecisively trying to reach out to me. I wanted to break away and try to console him, but my thoughts forced me to ignore his presence and instead focus on what lay before me. There wasn't much to look at, though; all that remained were a few lone hangers and a crumpled piece of paper. 

Looking down, my hands seized at the paper. The paper was yellowed and dog eared at its edges, stained with droplets of water. Whoever had written on this was obviously in a hurry for there were multiple places were words were scratched out sloppily with black pen. Through the scribbles and water stains, I managed to read what was written:

If you're read reading this right now, then what I'm doing right now is worth it. To the Soojung reading s this in the future, just know that you have destroyed everythingyou have what little you have. Your home, your lover, your life. I know you won't remember what you've done, but I'll at least stop preserve what you have right now. If you can't even keep the one you love safe, then at least keep the memories of the one you love safe.

Forgive me. I'm just trying to save you from the monster yourself.

I'm sorry.

- Soojung, of the past

I had written this. There was a version of me that remembered everything, and had known of the things that I could do to myself. 

A sharp pain hit me in my right temple as my breathing started to get heavy. Suddenly, I couldn't handle the weight of this discovery anymore. Shock started to build up in my throat and I only saw Taemin crying out through my blurred vision before the world went dark.