Our dongsaeng, Seungri. He probably doesn't know this, but I learnt a lot from him. If it wasn't for him, I wouldnt have found the courage to be more confident about myself. He really is an inspiration. And if it isn't for him, I wouldn't be able to really move on from the incident of 2011. His positivity is contageous. Instead of constantly feeling sorry and hiding inside myself, he showed me that I could use positivity to convey how sorry I am. If I can impact positivity to even one person from my experience, it would have been ten times better than hiding. 

I am a person with many worries. Some are unnecessary. Seungri is the opposite. And If I hadn't known him, I think I will forever be bogged down by worries that I will forget to look up to appreciate what's in front of me. 

If Big Bang had been a four, it would have been incomplete. The maknae completes us. 

2014

Daesung remembered being awaken by the persistent ringing of his phone.

He remembered regretting not putting the device on silence mode.

He remembered wishing it was a wrong number, and that it wasn't already five in the morning and manager hyung was on the other line, yelling for him to wake the hell up.

He remembered croaking a 'hello'.

And a stranger's voice greeted him on the other end of the line.

"Kang Daesung-ssi?"

"Ye."

"You have a brother by the name of Lee Seunghyun?" 

"Eh..ye."

"You're his emergency contact person, which is why we are calling you."

The stranger rattled on about a car accident, and how Seungri was too shock to say anything so they had to go through his stuff and found his wallet and his emergency contact card and how Daesung's name was there. The next-of-kin.

"....can you come down to the site right now?"

"Of...of course. Is he...is he all right?"

"We can't really tell right now, the paramedics have not arrived, but he's awake." 

Daesung found himself nodding, and then muttered an okay, and hung up.

He realised he was barefooted only when he was standing in front of Youngbae's apartment just a floor below.

He pressed the bell. Three times. Maybe four. Or five. Daesung couldn't tell. The ringing in his ears were too loud for him to concentrate on anything else.

And then the door opened, and Youngbae was standing there. Daesung must be in quite a state, because Youngbae caught on quickly that something was wrong. 

"Daesung-ah, what's wrong?"

"Hyung...I...I need to pick up Seungri...something happened...but...but I can't remember where he is, I mean, the guy said something about some road, and I heard it, but now I can't remember and the paramedic is coming soon, I need to hurry, how do I call the guy again? How do I ask him where they are? Maybe hyung can help me call, I need to get my shoes, I can't go without my shoes, I need to get a taxi first-"

A shake by his shoulders jolted him out of his ramblings.

"What happened to Seungri?"

"Car accident."

"Who called you?"

"I...I don't know...some guy...I didn't even ask who...he said I'm his emergency contact person, so I have to come down and get him."

He found himself being led into the apartment.

He stopped.

"Hyung, I need to go now. I don't have much time. Seungri, he's-"

"You can't go, Daesung-ah. The media will have a field day if you're also there."

Daesung nodded. "Because of...the past...okay, then hyung can go. Hyung can take my place and go. Hurry up, Seungri needs you."

Youngbae pulled him down to sit on the dining chair. Daesung didn't realised he had made his way deeper into the house.

"It's not about that, Dae. None of us can be seen, it'll just create more trouble for him. I'm going to call manager hyung okay? He'll have to go down and get Seungri."

Everything else was a blur after that. He wasn't quite sure how he had dressed up and his luggage brought down and both him and Youngbae standing in front of their apartment building, waiting for the van that would ship them to YG. 

He wasn't even sure why they had to go there. They were supposed to be on their way to the airport. 

He remembered being joined by both Seunghyun and Jiyong hyung. The other YG groups too. He saw President Yang walking in, and briefing everyone. He heard Seungri's name a lot, and car accident, and what lies ahead. 

And then they were hurriedly shipped to the airport. 

He didn't remember much, just Jiyong hyung overshadowing his every step. Always in his peripheral. 

In the plane, they received news that Seungri only suffered minor injuries, and that he would be okay. It was then that Daesung allowes himself to relax, and fell into a deep sleep. 

-

Seungri didn't remember much of the first and second day.

He remembered being coaxed to go to the hospital, and then being told that he would be warded.

And then he felt some pain, some numbness, and restless sleeps.

Waking up on ungodly hours, cold sweat and heart beating so fast, he thought it was going to burst.

Every time he closed his eyes, he was transported back into his car, in that moment when he lose control, and the bump when he hit the other car. The shock and then the car flipping and tumbling and his life flashing right before his eyes...

On the third day, he woke up from a dreamless sleep. 

For that mere second when he was caught in the middle of sleep and awake, he was confused. Where were the nightmares and waking up with a jolt, entire body drenched in his own cold sweat that he had experienced the last two days? 

And then he saw him. 

He was seated on his side, next to his bed. His long hair was swiped back, so he could see his profile clearly. 

He had his head slightly bowed, eyes closed. 

Seungri didn't dare to move. To stir. 

And then he heard it. The soft murmur. 

Daesung hyung was praying. 

And that was all it took. Seungri closed his eyes and willed for the tears not to squirm it's way out from beneath his eyelids. 

He didn't deserve this. 

Especially not from this hyung. 

There was a sudden creak that broke the silence, and Seungri was familiar enough to know that someone else had entered the room. The person cleared , and he could hear the sudden shift from Daesung, as he acknowledged the presence. 

"I'm sorry, do you want me to leave?" 

"No, please, don't. I'm just here to change his IV bag. I'm sorry for interrupting, though. It looked like you were praying." 

"I was. But you weren't interrupting. I was about to finish." 

"It's nice to know that he has good friends who pray for him. In times like these, prayer is the best medicine you can give him." 

"I heard he's been giving the staff nurse a difficult time with his nightmares." 

"Ah, you heard?" 

"Just a bit...I hope the prayers will help to ease him a bit." 

"Never stop praying for him, and it will." 

"I'll do my best. If you don't mind me asking, what's in the IV bag?" 

"Ah, this, it's just some sugar water really, to make sure he's not dehyrated." 

"Ah. Yes. That's important. I imagine he has no appetite to eat." 

"You're right. He hasn't been eating well, so we have to put this drip on him. I think you of all people will understand this the most." 

Silence. 

"I'm sorry...I shouldn't ha-" 

"No, no...it's fine. You're right." 

"Still, I shouldn't be so forward with my words. I'm sorry about that." 

"Please, don't apologize. It really is okay." 

"Thank you for being so kind to this old lady. I will leave you to your prayers now." 

"Thank you for taking care of my brother. Please continue to look after him well." 

"Ye." 

The door creaked opened, and then closed. 

Silence once again. 

A small squeeze to his hand. 

Has that hand always been on top of his arm all that while? 

Another squeeze, and then he was back to praying. 

It brought Seungri back to the early days, when they used to share a room. 

He allowed himself to be small again. To pretend that he had just turned off the light, and then settling down in the darkness, his back to daesung, eyes closed, listening to his hyung's hushed conversation with God. 

His lullaby. 

Their dance every night. 

No nightmare will find him there. 

- 

That night, he received a message from Daesung. 

I dropped by but you were resting, I didn't want to disturb you, so I left after five minutes. Please listen to the doctor and nurses, and even though you don't feel like it, please remember to eat. I'm sorry I have to fly off to Japan, if you need anything, please call me. Anything at all. Take care. 

Seungri didn't reply to the message. Not because he didn't know what to say, but because he was sorry, and embarrassed. He didn't think he deserved any help from his hyungs. Especially this hyung. 

- 

The next day, Top hyung called, and Seungri finally answered. 

"Wah Seungri ssi! You finally grace me with your presence! Yah, please don't ignore hyung's calls anymore. It's really annoying just listening to that ring tone for two minutes only to have my calls cut off." 

"Hello to you too, hyung." 

"How are you? Physically, I mean. Like, are you still hurting?" 

Seungri shifted on his bed, and acknowledged the slight discomfort he felt to his abdomen. "I'm feeling much better." 

"Well, at least you will get better. But your Porsche. It's beyond repair. My heart aches just thinking about her. She was a piece of art, Seunghyun ah." 

Typical TOP. Always masking his worries with jokes. Probably why he was the best person to be around Daesung after the accident. He made him forget. Even if for a little while. He forced himself in, and pulled Daesung out of his dark. He made sure there was skinship, because Daesung doesn't like to talk, so TOP hyung found another way to communicate. With every rub to his hand, with every hug, every hand grabbing moment, it was TOP's way of saying, I am here for you, please don't shut me out. 

"Hyung, thank you for caring so much more about me than the car." 

Laughter. 

"You're not gonna be this careless again, right?" 

"I promise." 

"Good," TOP sobered. "Cause that took about twenty years off our lives. Each." 

"I'm really sorry. I know I've caused a lot of problem to a lot of people." 

"You just worry about getting better. leave the rest to us. Arasso?" 

"Ne." 

- 

Seungri received another message from Daesung that night. 

I have an off day today. The staff decided to visit this really huge and popular church. If we come here again, we should visit this place with the hyungs. It's really beautiful. We had a private mass prayer for you. People are going to have opinions. Some will be for you, some against. It's harder to forget the negative ones. But you're not me. You're always full of positivity. You will need that the most now. Don't lose sight of who you are. I will always pray for your health and your mind. 

Seungri couldn't muster the courage to reply. Guilt was eating at him. 

- 

Seungri didn't expect a call or a text or a visit from Jiyong hyung. He knew this hyung. His silence is the worst kind of punishment he could ever give him. And Seungri has accepted this. He deserved every drop of it. 

- 

On the fifth day, Youngbae hyung arrived. 

It just so happened that Seungri's mum was around, fussing about for him to eat something. So his entrance was timid - a stark difference to his attire of ripped jeans, sleeveless top, that infamous sponsored NBA cap, rings on his fingers big enough to deconstruct his face if Youngbae has his way on him. 

Seungri lowered his gaze as Youngbae greeted his mother with a hug, and asking her how she has been holding up. 

Once the pleasantries have been exchanged, she excused herself, obviously wanting to give them some privacy. 

Seungri wasn't sure he was ready for this hyung. 

The one who speaks his mind. 

- 

"You're so lucky your mum is around. I wanted to kick the door open to make my entrance." 

Seungri smirked. "Is that your plan to show me how angry you are?" 

"Yep."

"Okay. If anyone asked, I'll tell them you come in with a bang." 

"Make me look manly."

"Of course." 

Silence. 

There seemed to be a lot of those lately. Seungri and silence is a weird combination. He always seemed to have a lot to say. He has nothing left but sorry. If he could repeat that over and over, he would, but he didn't want to worry his mum. So kept saying sorry in his heart, hoping that someone would hear. 

It's a little bit too late, isn't it? 

"Daesung said you looked bad, but I wasn't expecting it to be this bad." 

Seungri rolled his eyes. "Lay off the eyebags." 

"I'm not talking about your eyebags, although that too, is looking not so cute right now." Youngbae replied, as he stood where Daesung was seated not a few days ago. "You have to eat something." 

"I'm eating," Seungri replied. 

"Then I guess you need a hug too," Youngbae said, as he moved closer, arms wide open. 

"Hyung..."

"Not the time to be embarrassed. You never say no to hugs before!" 

The embrace was exactly what he needed. A place where he will be judged for his misgivings, but always forgiven and loved. 

Seungri pulled away first, only because his entire body was hurting from it. 

"Daesung hyung said I looked bad?" 

"We told him not to visit you yet, that you'll probably be too weak to even talk. But he insisted he had to see you the moment we landed at the airport." 

Ah, this is what genuine guilt feels like. 

"He was very distracted the entire time we were in Singapore. I don't have to tell you that this affects him the worst, right?" 

Seungri nodded. 

"We saw the video footage. It could've been so much worse, maknae. I'm glad no one got seriously hurt." 

"Did you...did you watch it together?" 

"We watched it at the hotel. Well, Jiyong, Seunghyun hyung and I did," Youngbae replied as he distractedly played with the ring on his middle finger. "Daesung didn't want to watch it."

"I don't know what else to say other than I'm very sorry. I know everyone is angry at me right now." 

"I hope you know that it comes from a place of love." 

Seungri nodded. His vision blurred by unshed tears. 

Choosing to ignore the unshed tears, Youngbae continued, "Daesung said he only stayed for five minutes when he visited you, since you were asleep. So I have a feeling he will visit you again. I know you're both awkward with each other, but why don't you talk to him? He's the only one who can understand you the most. He can help you in ways we couldn't." 

He texted me every day!

And he didn't stay for five minutes, Seungri wanted to yell. 

"How can I be that selfish, hyung?" Seungri said. "I can't make him remember about the past when he's finally in a good place right now. I can't do that to him." 

The tears have fallen. There was no turning back now. 

"This is my fault. I will handle this." 

Youngbae squeezed his shoulder, hoping to ease some of that pain. "I think it's too late for that, Seunghyun-ah. I think he's remembering again. And I think talking to him will help him heal as much as it will help you."

- 

YG raised murderers. And addicts. 

- 

I have so many fans coming to me with encouraging words for you. They even give letters and gifts. I'll bring all of them home to pass to you when we meet. How did we get so lucky? Fighting! 

- 

First rehearsals for their Japan dome tour. 

Everyone was ansty because there weren't that much time left. 

Seunghyun hyung seemed distracted. Seungri could only guess it had something to do with that script for a new movie he received a day before. 

Jiyong hyung was in his sensitive mode. That familiar mood whenever the pressure for a new album is at it's heaviest. 

Youngbae and Daesung hyung were just tired from their own solo tours. 

Seungri figured he owed it to them to take up the slack. But even Seungri couldn't lie to himself. The unspoken left hanging above them like a cloud of storm waiting to be unleashed. 

No one wanted to talk about it. Or no one wanted to be the one to open it up. Everyone was expecting Jiyong hyung to begin. Jiyong probably was waiting on Seunghyung hyung. Everyone was just waiting. And Seungri couldn't even look into their eyes when they talk. For the first time ever, he felt uncomfortable with all of them. 

It was decided that they would all crash over at Daesung and Youngbae's apartment for the next five days. It would be much easier to have everyone in the same building. 

In the van, Seungri found himself tucked in between Daesung and Seunghyun hyung. 

Seunghyun hyung had that script laid out on his lap, thoughts already miles away. Surprisingly enough, Daesung didn't have his earphone on. 

"Yah, want to stay with hyung tonight?" 

"Are you serious?" 

Daesung nodded. "Seunghyun hyung wants to stay with me." 

Seungri laughed. "Then I should stay with Youngbae and Jiyong hyung. I don't like to be the third wheel." 

"He's going to make me play one of the characters and go through the lines with him. I figured you're better at that than I do." 

Seungri snorted. "That is such a lame excuse, hyung. But okay, I will stay with you tonight." 

"Than-" the van jerked. It felt like it had gone over a bump unexpectedly. The blink and you'll miss it moment of when Daesung hyung looked slightly panicked, didn't escape Seungri's attention. 

"Thank you." 

"Are you okay?" 

Daesung smiled. And then he said, "Sometimes, when I'm on the road and the van or the car bumped unexpectedly, I got reminded of how it felt when I ran over that man." 

Seungri did not expect that. 

Daesung closed his eyes for a second, and then opened it again. "I used to sleep it off when I'm on the road, but sometimes I got reminded of how I fell asleep and woke up in a hospital with broken ribs and a slipped disc, so sleeping doesn't always work." 

Seungri wasn't sure what to say to that. 

"These days, I make sure I have something to distract me when I'm about to get on the road. Like, a book, or going through my schedule. Sometimes I downloaded some shows to watch. Play games on my phone. Sometimes, the memory caught me unaware, so I have no choice but to remember them. Those are not very often anymore, but they happen." 

"I hope I'm strong enough to do what you do," Seungri said, almost in a whisper. 

Daesung shifted in his seat a little. "You're strong enough." 

Their conversation got interrupted when Manager hyung turned from the shotgun seat to let them know there would be a delay. 

"What's wrong?" Jiyong asked from the back. 

"Road accident," Manager hyung replied. 

Seunghyun straightened up from his seat, neck stretching to try to assess the road situation. "Looks like a pile up?" 

"Two cars and a bike, I think," Manager hyung replied. 

"It's on the lane next to ours," Youngbae confirmed. 

Seungri could hear the sirens now. He could differentiate the difference between a police siren and the ambulance. They were both there. 

"That looked bad," Jiyong commented from the back, next to Youngbae. 

As their van moved closer, and the sirens became louder, Seunghyun hyung swiftly unhook the window curtain on his side, shielding the view from them. Seungri felt himself transported back into his car. Hanging upside down, saved by the seat belt. 

And then he heard it. A song. It blasted in his right ear. 

Daesung had plugged an earpiece in his ear. The other was plugged in Daesung's ear. 

It was a familiar tune. 

It was a song he used to practice with Daesung hyung during their trainee years. It was to practice on their English pronunciation and harmony. It was a song that Seungri had introduced to Daesung. 

Daesung was miming the first few lines complete with over-exaggerated expression. Fist pumping the air and all that jazz.

The sirens were fading. 

The chorus was about to start, and Seungri caught the glint in Daesung's eyes. 

He knew what to do. 

"I will give you, the best of my life!" 

"I will give you the best that you need!" 

"Anything that you waaaaannnnttttt I will give it, to you!!" 

The hyungs were grumbling, but they didn't care. They sang the entire song out loud, enough for the van to drive off and away from the scene. 

- 

That night, they helped Seunghyun hyung practice his lines - to a movie he wasn't even sure he wanted to take. 

Daesung of course, played his love interest. 

Seungri played Daesung's ex-boyfriend. 

There was a bottle of red wine to drink. And one hyung to carry off to his bed, which really, is Daesung's bed. 

They were supposed to dump him in the guest's room, but TOP being TOP, he made a beeline to Daesung's room.

Seungri found himself panting from the exertion of carrying their drunk hyung. He really needed to start working out again.  

"Do you think it's safe to sleep here with him?" 

 Daesung didn't hesitate when he replied, 'Nope. I'll be at the sofa." 

"Nonsense. You shall take hyung's place and sleep with me in the other room. This is your house after all." 

- 

In the company of darkness, Seungri stared ahead of him. He knew Daesung wasn't asleep either. He hadn't had his conversation with God yet. 

"Do you think hyung purposely got himself drunk and crashed in your room just so we have to sleep together?" Seungri asked, breaking the silence. 

Daesung exhaled loudly. "I wouldn't put it pass him." 

"Then, can I officially apologise to you, for everything that has happened?" 

"Why would you apologise to me?" 

"You can't tell me this didn't affect you. I'm sorry I caused you to dig the old memories again." 

"I'm glad you're safe. And the people in the other car are safe. That is all that matters." 

"They...they call us murderers...I don't mind if they call me that, but they drag you into th-"

"Seunghyun-ah, I know this is difficult, but we have to let go of those poisonous words. It's not easy. I have people waiting outside my church with signs saying 'murderer' on them. On bad days, I convinced myself that I should just end everything. But, there are good days. I hang on to those instead. We can't let those words consume us. You can choose not to let those words consume you." 

Seungri shifted in his bed. He turned to look at Daesung, even though his eyes couldn't adjust to the darkness to even make out his silhouette.

"And how do I do that?" 

"Look ahead," Daesung replied. "And pray. You're going to be alright." 

"Easier said than done, right?" 

"Yeah." 

Silence. 

"Why did you put me as your emergency contact person?" 

"I figured you'd care enough to come." 

"I would, if I could." 

"I know. I'm sorry, I didn't think ahead. I hate to think some YG staff I don't know to take care of something like this. But you're right hyung, it's best to have a stranger do this." 

"Actually, I'm glad you put me. You're right, you need someone who cares about you to start the ball rolling. Because they will fight for you when you're incapable to do it for yourself. You don't want a stranger to do that. You want them to act on it on the instruction of the person you chose. I admit I was a little ruffled by it, but Youngbae hyung was there, and he continued the instructions. If anything ever happened to me, it's nice to know at least there are four people who would do that for me." 

Seungri felt like a heavy burden has finally lifted off his shoulders. 

"Hyung." 

"Ne." 

"Thank you for the messsages you've sent me before. You've never talked to me about these stuff before...you didn't have to now. Why did you?" 

"You can't return a present. A promise is a promise. I gave you that voucher. You returned it to me. Consider it redeemed instead."

Seungri laughed. 

Daesung would still send those messages and this talk will still happen even if there were no voucher. But Seungri decided to let it slip. 

"Thank you for also praying for me when you visited me at the hospital." 

"Eh...you heard that?" 

Seungri smirked. "Don't worry hyung. If people ask, I'll just say you came by for five minutes and left." 

Daesung laughed. "Yes, that sounds like me." 

Silence. 

"Hyung."

"hmmm..."

"Let's pray." 

"Okay...do you want to start?" 

"Is it okay if you pray for the both of us?" 

Daesung was quiet for a while. 

Seungri wondered if he had crossed the line. 

His prayers have always been his alone time with God. Did he just intervene? 

He was about to change his mind, when he heard it, soft and clear. The raspy voice breaking through the silence of the dark. 

Seungri found himself closing his eyes, ears listening to every word uttered. 

And then he sleeps. 

- 

2015

This is it. 

This is all that he needed. 

He is getting rid of his greed, and be content with the here and now. 

At present, here is Singapore. And now is on stage. 

The five of them, doing what they know best, surrounded by a sea of yellow. 

He's looking ahead. 

End. 

- - -

ps: Thank you so much for seeing this story to the end. I hope this chapter satisfies you. Thank you for the comments that keep me going always, the upvotes (i have no idea what those are but I'm guessing it's something awesome) and just...reading. Hopefully I can keep writing about Big Bang. As a new fan, I am so excited for their comeback :D 

pps: the song that they sang in the van is Best of My Life by Nsync.