Jiyong hyung. More than the leader and the prodigy that the world knows him by, this hyung is kind. He's considerate. He is quiet when he's serious. And contrary to popular beliefs, he's actually rather shy if in a room with strangers. You can't really tell cause he hides behind the big shades, the smug look, the charismatic aura...but really, he's as insecure as the next person. Above all else, Jiyong hyung is empathetic. He just knows what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. He can tell when you need to hear it the most, and he will always reassure you. The same rule appplies if you're due another scolding. He will tell you like it is, too. I much prefer the reassuring Jiyong to the scolding one. Seriously.

2011

In some odd, twisted way, Seungri was glad. Cause for the first time ever, he wasn't the only one feeling awkward around Daesung hyung. How he wished he could just throw it to their faces, and go, 'welcome to my world, where awkwardness are aplenty when faced with one Kang Daesung'.

But the timing was not right; not at all. And boy was Seungri glad he at least, had the common courtesy to acknowledge that.

The last few months had been a rollercoaster ride. Seungri was never a fan of rollercoasters. Put him in a haunted house with things jumping at him at every nook and corner, he could throw a punch of his own, but rollercoasters? Those things are just not right, none of it.

Things were confusing; at times, he would wake up in some ungodly hour and wondered out loud if it had all been a nightmare. Part of him still wished it was; even as the members made their way to the check in, about to board the flight that would take them to Belfast.

Daesung would smile at the appropriate times, when he was expected to. He would chip in a 'ne' and a simple 'oh' to acknowledge whatever instructions Manager hyung had spewed on them. He would laugh at every punch line the members or staff would throw. He joined in the queue to order himself a sandwich and a cup of coffee at the lounge when TOP hyung suggested they should all eat something while waiting to board. He would bite, chew and swallow and take a few sips of his drink in between.

He only excused himself once, to go to the restroom (yes the mystery was solved a while back, he indeed, take bathroom breaks like the rest of them), and the moment his retreating back disappeared behind a corner, the abated breath no one knew they were holding, were let go. Seungri's included.

"Yah, ottoke," TOP loudly whispered as he adjusted at the collar of his shirt. "I think he can see right through our bull."

Youngbae was just as helpless, furiously taking off his leather jacket to reveal a sleeveless shirt underneath. Seungri expected nothing less.

"I think he knows we can see right through his too," Jiyong replied, fingers already pinching at his eyebrows - a sign that the leader is stressed.

Seungri said nothing, because he was pretty darn sure they were all thinking the same thing.

"It's Daesung," Jiyong continued, now arms folded across his chest as he slouched deeper into his seat. "He's doing all this so we won't worry about him."

"And he's sorry. For literally everything," Youngbae added, his voice as thin as the plane ticket he was fiddling in his right hand.

"Even for things that are not his fault," Jiyong countered.  

"This is wrong though, how we're treating all this. It's Daesungie," TOP said, and then casually brought his gaze towards Seungri, "aside from the makane, we shouldn't feel awkward around him. He should feel safe with us."

Seungri rolled his eyes. TOP smirked in reply, just in case Seungri didn't realize that he was joking. Seungri rolled his eyes some more, because he knew it was a joke and because TOP was seating all the way on the other side of the table and couldn't smack him.

The conversation died there, because no one had a solution. And Seungri was too preoccupied with Daesung hyung, and what exactly he was doing in the bathroom.

Probably taking that needed break from them. Probably letting go of that breath he didn't realise he was holding too. He was probably standing in front of one of the sinks, head bowed down because he couldn't see himself in the mirror, the face that would look back at him.

And he'd be silently praying, asking for strength (even though the self-deprecating Daesung didn't think he deserves to ask God for anything, not after what he had done), not for himself though, no, cause he deserved nothing but pain and retribution - no, he would ask for strength so that he could hold up his end of the bargain, and make sure everyone around him can go on as normal, and not worry about him. No one should worry about Kang Daesung. He doesn't deserve such luxury.

There's that jolt of pain again, right on his chest. He didn't think such thing was possible, that kind of physical pain resulting from an emotional one, but he had been feeling them, ever since that incident.

He closed his eyes, allowing the universe to right it's axis, return back the balance that was lost for that few moments when his heart and his mind went into overdrive. Reboot.

When he opened his eyes, Daesung reappeared from the very corner he disappeared from a few minutes ago. He didn't look any different. No signs of red eyes, snotty nose. There were no hints of a face being paper toweled dry.

Kang Daesung would never allow himself such respite.

There's that slouch on his shoulders though. Like as if he was carrying a huge burden on it. But then again, that has always been how he walks. A little slouch - a reminder to remain humble, always.

-

In the plane, Jiyong's seat was next to Daesung. Seungri somehow suspected it was pre-arranged as such.

There were whispered conversations, and he could tell the topic being discussed was sober, because there were no smiles on Daesung's face, and he was listening to Jiyong hyung attentively.

Seungri figured if there was anyone who could understand Daesung the best at that time, it would be the other member who was also plagued by a scandal of his own.

And then they settled down. Jiyong hyung had pulled on his shades, legs stretched as far as the space in front of him would allow, shoulders relaxed. He casually placed a hand on top of Daesung's, as if he was afraid the young man would disappear into thin air.

And because it was Jiyong - the leader - Daesung would never dare to defy or deny him of anything.  If that small gesture of skinship was what he needed to assure himself, Daesung would give it to him.

"Please don't tell me you're falling sick maknae."

Youngbae's low voice pierced through his thoughts, pulling him away and back to his own seat.

"What are you talking about hyung?" Seungri frowned.

Youngbae pointed to his hand that was currently rubbing at his chest. "You've been massaging your chest a lot, are you in pain?"

Seungri stopped his ministration, pulling his hand away and waving off the concerns.

Youngbae gave him a pat on his arm, almost mirroring Jiyong's action earlier, before settling back on his seat. "We're all in some kind of pain these days maknae, but we'll get through it, together. I have faith in us."

A year ago, Seungri had almost lost faith in the members. Everyone was doing their own thing, enjoying success with their solo projects. Even days into their comeback stage, Seungri still felt like something was missing.

Maybe this was their test. Maybe this would determine if they would come out swinging or drowning.

"Then I have faith in us too, hyung."

-

2012

Before, Seungri always felt that the awkwardness surrounding him and Daesung was some misplaced energy that he needed to make right. And when that didn't happen, it became that dark energy that he needed to get away from.

All that did was drive the wedge even deeper between them. It was as if, Seungri could live without Daesung in his life, like, he's just that sibling he's not close to but it's okay because he had three other siblings to hang with. It didn't matter if he was around or not, his presence, outside of Big Bang, was insignificant to him.

Before, he always thought the feeling was mutual. So really, they both win.

These days though, the awkwardness is as important as breathing. Like a second skin that slipped on easily. It was not misplaced or unwanted. It was part of him, and Seungri kinda liked it.

Daesung hyung's presence in his life is a comfort. A familiar face in a faceless crowd. There was no doubt in his mind, that if he was ever in need of help, Daesung hyung would come running, just as quickly as his other hyungs.

So when their Japan tour came to an end, and Manager hyung said they would both have to remain there for other projects, Seungri honestly did not mind at all. He didn't really care for the awkwardness either, because it is part of him now, part of them both.

And when Daesung hyung suddenly suggested that they go out and explore Tokyo the moment Manager hyung said they had a day off, Seungri said okay, with zero hesitation.

"Hyung, I don't think we can get to all these places in one day," Seungri sighed, staring at the list in front of him (yes, they did a list).

Daesung was scratching at his head, his fingers lost in the strands of blonde. "I don't know if the train will take us to all these places. I mean, do we have to walk a lot after? Shouldn't a taxi be better?"

"If we're considering taxi, we might as well rent a car, it would cost just as much."

"Yah, that's a very crazy but also very awesome idea!"

Seungri wasn't expecting that. And Daesung hyung agreeing and smiling at his idea - he should hit the lottery.

"You really think so?"

Daesung couldn't get off his chair fast enough; Seungri could see his mind reeling, working out all sorts of plans.

"Of course! But, I don't drive, so, unless you think you can handle all the driving we're definitely gonna ta-"

"I can handle the driving," Seungri cut him off as he too, got off his seat, adrenaline about to kickstart. "Where are we going?"

"To the concierge," Daesung replied, already a few steps ahead of him. "We have a car to rent."

-

The silence was comfortable, for most of the ride. The only voice that pierced through the compact space in the car came from the GPS device.

Daesung hyung had commented on how sweet her voice was, and imagined she had long hair and really big eyes.

Seungri offered that it might not be only big thing on her, and that earned him a stare - which didn't really bothered him much, because it looked exactly the same as his normal stare.

They would pass by some interesting sights and the random 'yah, look at that' and 'oh my God look at that" would escape both their lips, but that was the extent to their conversation - if one could call it that.

Seungri wanted so much to ask, if Daesung would ever find the courage to drive again, but he could tell that wasn't going to go down well. They were supposed to enjoy this little trip, no worries, no serious talks, just Tokyo and hopefully a lot of food in their belly.

Two places down, and they were on their way to the third. GPS voice lady said it would take them another half hour.

"Hyung, I think we need to pump some gas first."

"Okay, hang on." And just like that, Daesung was on his phone, googling for the nearest patrol kiosk. 

He looked up after a while, eyes studying the road signs ahead. "There should be one somewhere ahead. I can't really tell how far but we should see it. Keep to your left."

It was really in the middle of nowhere. Just a patrol kiosk along a stretch of highway.

"How much should we fill?" Daesung asked, hand already on the handle, body leaning slightly, ready to get out.

"I honestly have no idea," Seungri replied.

Seungri could hear the sigh escaping the older man as he got out of the car, and the subsequent bang of the door as he slammed it shut. He couldn't help the little snort that escaped.

Daesung made his way to his side, and leaned down a little to look at him. "I'm going to ask the cashier."

"Okay. Also, hyung, can you get some seaweed for me? The spicy one."

"Any drinks?"

"No, I don't think my bladder can handle water before we reach our destination."

"You sure? Cause I don't want you staring longingly at my drink once we're out of here."

Seungri reconsidered his decision. "Plain water."

Daesung just nodded and turned, making his way to the small convenience store.

Later, the news would cover the story of how their rented car got broken into, and how their passports, among other things, were stolen.

It was the clean version of the incident, their management's way of not worrying the fans. It would be the band's secret, one of the many things they decided are no one's concern but theirs.

The public, the fans, will never find out of the fact that he froze in his seat, as the nozzle of a gun was pointed straight to his head. How the faceless man hidden behind a helmet, had smashed the window by the back of the gun and demanded that he hand over his wallet.

And how Seungri didn't even realize that his accomplice had entered from the passenger's door, where Daesung hyung should have been, and had started rummaging through the compartments.

How they were furious to find nothing, because they didn't know this was a rental car.

And then Daesung appearing out of nowhere, his voice finally pulling Seungri out of his frozen state.  The faceless men in helmets were gone. It was as if they were never there. But Seungri knew he wasn't dreaming, because the window on his side was still smashed.

The blonde had red in them, and some buttons on his shirt were missing.

"Seungri-ah, gwenchana?"

"Hyung...what...I..."

"They're gone. We're safe."

"How..."

"I gave them what they want," Daesung replied short. As if that explained everything.

"What...what..."

"Yah, they took our wallets, and your laptop, I hope you've erased your history browser last night."

A jab at his late night bedroom activities; Seungri was sure if that had been him, the hyungs would tell him he had no concept of good timing at all.

"They also took our passports, so we're in a really big trouble right now."

"What do we do?"

"I've asked Aki-san to call the police," Daesung replied. "He's the cashier by the way. I saw what happened right before I walked out of there, so I got him to call the police."

A bottled water was shoved at him, cap off, straw in. "Drink. You're in shock."

He nodded, took a sip. The chilled liquid coarsing down his throat somehow triggered his brain to start functioning again.

"Hyung, did you actually come out and talk to them?"

Daesung frowned. "I don't think they were up for chatting, maknae. I just told them where our bags are and then they took my wallet. And then they made me take your wallet cause you weren't moving and he was about to shoot so-"

"Shoot?"

It was as if all the energy has finally left Daesung. There was no mask to hide away his fears, and Seungri now realised that his hands were trembling.

"Hyung..."

"I don't know okay, there were two guns, one was aiming at you, so I had to do something. I'm sorry I had to-"

"Hyung, you just saved my life, what are you doing apologising to me! I froze! I could have gotten both of us killed! I'm sorry!"

Seungri didn't think Daesung heard him. Somewhere in the middle of his rant, Seungri could tell that his brother was just seconds away to passing out. So instead of waiting for a reply, he reached out to steady the man, and pushed him back carefully to his seat.

"What did they do to you?"

Daesung was too busy trying to stay conscious to answer him.

Seungri turned towards the approaching figure - Aki-san - and yelled at him to call for ambulance.

"Hyung, if you close your eyes, I'm going to have to slap you," Seungri said, shaking his arm roughly. "Don't tempt me."

-

He had a slight concussion, and some bruises on his person from a couple of fist punches to the sternum. But Daesung insisted that he didn't want to be admitted to the hospital.

"It's going to get in the news if I'm admitted," Daesung had explained. "I don't want any trouble."

That night, they shared the same bed, just like how they used to back in the dorm. Seungri's phone would ring every half hour, and it would be Jiyong hyung on the line, all the way from Korea.

"Time to check on him, nurse Seungri."

"Okay."

"Don't hang up. Let me know how he's doing."

Seungri would shake Daesung awake. Every second waiting for him to stir, was a second too long. And then Daesung would frown, wake up, and mumbled a variation of 'hello Jiyong hyung, I'm fine, please ask maknae to sleep,' before he would doze off yet again.

"I'll call again in half hour okay?"

"Okay hyung."

"You okay maknae?"

"Yeah."

"I'm flying down there tomorrow morning."

"Ah hyung..."

"I know you're scared. And I know neither of you will open up to each other. Daesung might not want to talk, but I know you do. So I'm all ears tomorrow, arasso?"

It was getting blurry. Seungri knew all it took was just a blink, for the tears to start rolling. He took a deep breath, hoping against all hope his voice wouldn't sound shaky.

"Gomawo hyung..."

"Aish...go to bed. Twenty-five minutes to my next call."

Seungri nodded, knowing full well that the leader would not be able to see him. He hung up the call, took another look at his sleeping hyung (the man who had saved his life just hours ago) and then continued his staring game with the darkness ahead of him.

There will be no sleep for him that night, but no one had to know that.

----

tbc...