Myungsoos POV:

“Sungjong….” I sighed, as the younger forced out a smile for me. “What?” He giggled slightly, “I’m smiling, right?” his mouth barely curved up. Dawn it, don’t be like that. I moved backwards a bit and positioned my camera up to take a shot. Sighing again, I put my camera down, knowing this wouldn’t be any good. I went over to Sungjong, helping him into a pose, and fixing his hair, half focused on keeping my face straight and thoughtless. I can’t let him know… I just can’t. As my fingers touch his body, even a graze, my heart beats gently. A simple, warm tenderness that I can’t bring myself to shake off. “Any good yet?” I flinched at his words. Jongie stared at me. “If it’s no good… let’s try another time… I’m still tired so…” Sungjong paused for a moment, looking uncomfortable and hurt. I know that well enough. My hands almost unconsciously moved to cradle his cheeks, thumbing the delicate corners of his eyes. “L…” Sungjong blankly stared. I knew he was unhappy with me for some reason, I wasn’t an idiot.  I really shouldn’t be doing this. My left hand moved down his face to his chin, glaring into his eyes. The thought of just staying this way resonated inside me. “Myungsoo...” he softly spoke. My eyes refocused on his whole face. He was beautiful. His plump lips were slightly parted, with his eyes softly gazing up at me. They sparkled as they moistened a little, the liquid clinging on the rims of his lashes. The pink around his eyes and cheeks concerned me. The way his eyes drooped slightly annoyed me, his messed up hair even. All of him made me want to smile and frown. Dammit … my heart stopped a little. …. you’re beautiful.

I breathed deeply for a moment, letting my restraint take control again. I can’t lose you. My hands moved to straighten his hair, while the other let go entirely. “There, you look hot now” I joked. “The handsome maknae”. Jongie seemed at a loss for a minute, I don’t think he noticed anything too much. “Ok, let’s start” he smiled faintly. He picked his spirits up for a moment and began to pose a little for me. “Going for the dazed look, right?” I muttered to him. He chuckled “Whatever goes I guess”. I started clicking away little by little. He looked good, he always does, but the photos came out off-putting.

Sunggyu came in after a while to check up on Sungjong, scolding him a little here and there about something or rather. He asked for Sungjong to come with him to the practice room, and sure enough, he followed. I sat on Sungjongs bed and let my back rest against his pillows. “I wonder if he’s used that Sunggyu because of me once.” I questioned, looking at the oversized bear near the left side of the bed. I scrolled through my fresh new photos dissatisfied. My mind started drifting off a little, before I realised, I scrolled past the photos unto an earlier picture. I remember this one.

- Flashback starts –

“Oh? More photos?” A pair of eyes widened at me.

“Yea, I like taking photos”, I replied nonchalantly.

“Well … I like having mine taken so all good” He smiled.

“I know, that’s why I came in” I laughed. “Especially since our maknae has become hotter and manlier”.  

He grinned at me cutely. No matter what Sungjong says, he’s both sensual and at times, naturally adorable. “I’m not some gay-diva people portray me as hyung” He jokingly laughed, looking prideful. Sure, Jonggie liked to dance to female artists, and he has feminine side, but he is in fact male. I know for a fact he’s dated females and that he was generally braver then the majority of Infinite. He likes being a little sassy, but he’s not as over-the-top as some believe he is. Well, they’re both sides of him I reasoned. Both are great.

I was in the middle of taking a photo when a thought popped into my head.

“Jonggie, why is it that no matter what, you’re fine with me taking photos?”

“Hmm?” Sungjong replied.

“Well, like I said, I like my photo taken”. I looked at him a moment and explained.

“I mean, people can like having their photos taken, but you allow me to almost 100% of the time, and since I take a lot that can be annoying for some people”.

 Nodding, he spoke,

“That’s true, however I just don’t mind you asking me things. That and you take very good photos… I think you’re great”.

Smiling, he continued “You know, I like that when you start something you love, you persistently keep going at it, you’re like that with everything, and I think that’s great”. “And photography is great, you know” He beamed at me.

“… since we live in the moment and die in the moment, everything is special. People, because we live and die in so many seconds, minutes, hours and years, we forget how precious and how much a moment counts, so to capture a moment the best way possible, is ….” He paused, gently taking control of my camera and taking my picture.

“A very enduring and incredible thing, a reminder of how grand a moment and the world around us is” He chimed.

Just like you I thought, grabbing my camera off him, and laying it on the table. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled his back towards my chest. Jongie didn’t say anything. “You’re something, Lee Sungjong” I remarked. The moment I finished my statement however, Sungjongs frame loosened. “Thanks Myungsoo” he said leaning himself further into my embrace. He felt so warm. I could tell he really meant it. It was one of those moments, were by touch, you could tell how much a person is feeling.  We stayed this way for a while. I could see that what I said, tucked at his heart, but also nudged at something else. I tightened my embrace and titled my head on his shoulder. I wanted to console whatever is on his mind, and I want to be his supporter. I wanted a lot actually…

- Flashback ends -

A knock on the door interrupted my cerebral cinema. I reluctantly removed myself from Sungjongs bed and opened it to find Hoya hyung.

“Oh, Myungsoo, where’s Sungjong? The other questioned.

“He’s with Sunggyu hyung in the practice room” I replied.

“Hmm …. Is Sungjong ok? Lately he’s been tired and I ‘m wondering if something’s up…. Normally I wouldn’t ask you guys but since you are closer to him lately ….” Hoya tried to explain.

“Sorry Hyung, I’ve been rather busy, so I haven’t had a proper talk with Sungjong for a while” I clarified.

Sighing, the other spoke “I’m worried. I’ll talk to Sungjong again I think …. Thanks though Myungsoo”

I leaned on the door frame, watching Hoya walk away. I heaved upwards, dragging myself back onto Sungjongs bed, my body feeling heavier than usual. I snuggled into his pillow, catching Sungjongs scent as it travelled around my body. It tingled and relaxed me, as I wandered off to sleep.

Everything was dark.

“L-Oppa, its hurts so much” a female voice echoed.

“You can tell us you like us, but don’t call us your girlfriends…”

“You’ve betrayed us for a plastic stick-figure! Why oppa!”

“This isn’t real, right oppa?”

“I’m quitting this. This hurts my heart too much…”

The voices started to blend together, shouting different things at me.

“You’re no good L-Sshi!” They synchronised.

The voices starting to spiral, slowly morphing into an enitity.

“You lied to us!” It spat, becoming a melting blob filled of discoloured eyes, and lips, floating towards me.

“How could you hurt our feelings like this?” The stretched out lips cried, its eyes, covering the circumference of the blob pointed its glare.

“With some fake, plastic attention !” tongues and saliva leaked out of several lips, oozing like vomit.

“Liar” A figure spoke, forming from the blobs spit.

“Betrayer” Another yelled, forming from the fallen lashes of the blobs eyes.

My eyes widened. My breath intensified as the morbid scene played out in front of me. Pain welled up in my heart, and guilt plagued my mind. Not this again.

The different entities started to sweat, and melt slowly, multiplying as they did. Its liquids flooding the dark space we were enveloped in. I felt the sludge seep into my clothes, almost drowning me in their sweat. It was hard to move, and I choked several times on the foul salty taste of their tears, floating on top of the slush. I moved towards them as much as I could. I need to make up for this. My body started to burn as my flesh slowly dissolved. Stinging from the acid-like substance of their sweat, I continued to move forward. I want to apologise to them, I want nothing more but to apologise. I was stupid. I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t mean to hurt so many people, especially those I’m grateful to the most. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for hurting infinite.

“Please …. Please don’t abandon me” I gasped. Suddenly the sludge surrounding me got into the biggest entity, becoming one again. I bent down in pain, feeling my raw bones sticking out of my limbs in several places. Slight movement made them sting like crazy. I panted, feeling weak and exhausted.        I was pathetic.

“I want nothing more but to make up for everything I’ve done wrong”. With that, the entity started to wriggle.

“Myungsoo!” It shouted in the pitch black.

“I thought you said you were ok with us being public!” the swirls of colours started to blend into a pale cream.

“We can’t…. I want to, but the company says its best to keep it a secret” I heard myself speak.

“But we’re in a relationship, and I want people to know about it…Myungsoo, You’re my boyfriend, and I want people to know you’re mine”. Its voice softened. The blobs multiple eyes became swollen and tightened together to form a normal pair.

“I get worried about girls who flock to you, thinking you’re single … Don’t you care?” She questioned. Their lips popped, only leaving one small mouth.

“We have to keep it between us, I’m sorry” my voice cooed at her from behind me.

“Myungsoo you coward! Stand up for me!” A girl shrieked, formed from the previous grotesque entity.

“They’re hurting my family Myungsoo. Your fans are hurting my family!”

….  I looked up and saw Do yoen, eyes tearing and shoulders tensed.

“I thought you liked me…. Why won’t you say anything?” She cried. “We’ve been dating haven’t we? That was not a lie… I can’t take this anymore”

“They hit me with rocks, assault my family, vandalise our property…. And you” her eyes looked up, filled with rage and a sense of hatred.

“You said nothing at all. Coward! Coward!”

“I hate you. I’m glad we broke up” She smiled.

“You know, no matter who you’re with or who is willing to be a fan of yours, you will still be a coward” She remarked. The statement jabbed at me. I knew she was right.

“Don’t believe you can be happy Myungsoo. You can’t make anyone happy”

“There’s no way anyone will love you, and if they did, well they’re stupid”

“They’ll just rot away, just like you”

“No!” I yelled. My eyes flung open and I gasped for breath. I was on Sungjongs bed again. Perspiration trickled down my limbs, spine, everywhere. “No one can love you”. Those words pierced like shattered shards of glass. I keeled over, trying to slow down my heart. “Coward” I ripped myself off of Sungjongs bed, falling onto the floor beneath. “Coward!” A voice echoed. I don’t feel well. I quickly dragged myself up, running towards the bathroom. I feel sick. “Coward!” The voice shouted. I flung the door open and slammed it shut, throwing myself towards the toilet bowl. “Coward!” it persisted. I felt myself about to vomit. “They’ll rot away” no, no, no, no I cried to myself. “Sungjong will rot away”, I hunched over the toilet, spewing, and coughing. No! Please .... no  “Stop hurting people” The voice softened. I collapsed on the floor, still conscious. “You don’t deserve him” it reasoned. I know… I know.

I love you ..... but I don't .... I can't

Hey guys : )

Once again I’m grateful to everyone who commented and subscribed. This chapter was hectic, so I hope you guys are ok with it? : (

I hope it gives you more insight into Myungsoos inner toughts. Which is, well, messed up. (he has a bright-side too ... because of Sungjong).               Honestly, I didn't think it was going to be so ... dark? (I promise the next chapter will be better, it will have some subtle  fluff... believe it or not > < . There is a plan to put force them into a fluffy situation... I owe alot of fluff to you guys after all)     

Please tell me you're thoughts about Myungsoos condition. That way I can improve things for later chapters, thank you in advance.

Again, thank you and hope you enjoy.