Part 1: Tied

I once heard a story about some couple. The other went away on a plane while the other stayed behind, wishing the other a safe flight to and fro. Well, the other hadn’t prayed enough because the plane crashed. Search and rescue teams have been deployed but not one anchored by the bay with any good news. Years passed but the other didn’t lose hope. When finally able, the other went on a journey to search for the other. It took about a month until the other was able to pinpoint a location where the passengers could’ve been washed off when the plane crashed. The other came upon an island, noticed it was slightly inhabited by the looks of the freshly burnt wood by the beach. Stepping into the island, the other had this tremendous feeling that this is the place and the time the search will finally be put to rest. The other called repetitive Hellos and Anybody Heres until one man came out into the open and looked her directly in the eyes. She couldn’t stop the tears from welling on the brims of her eyes. It caused her vision to blur that she thought the man she’s been searching for all these years, who the rest of the world thought was dead, was walking away from her. Not toward her. Away from her. She called out to him. Tried to introduce herself in case he’s forgotten. That thought hurt. When he finally stopped and faced her one more time, he said. “Go away!” Confused, she asked him why. “This is my home now. I’m not leaving nor am I accepting housemates.” She tried to reason but he stayed firm. She finally accepted and goes as she went.

I was I think thirteen when I first heard this story. That was almost 10 years now but I still remember what my reaction has been. I asked my cousin, she’s at least 7 years older than me and she’s the one who told me the story, “Why did he chose to stay in the island when his partner have finally found him? I mean, why wouldn’t he want to leave and be with her?”

Patiently, she looked at me and smiled. That creeped me out. And then she said; “He’s tied.”

Up to this moment, I don’t have a freakin’ idea what that meant. But there’s a reason why I was retelling this. Somehow, inside the crazy webs of ideas inside my head, I was able to connect my current dilemma to this story and to my cousin’s response.

I fell in love.

Let me tell you about him now. He’s a man of crazy ideas – he always makes me laugh. Even without him meaning to, he could easily make me smile. Well, being with him alone makes my heart jump from joy, so I see no surprises there. I love his mind. I love his ideas about life, people in general, society, even religion and belief. I’d like to say we fit and match in every way. I liked to call him the other half of me, my soulmate.

We would have hours of talks about random things – anything and everything under the sun, or the moon, whichever comes first. There were those special nights when we would let the hours pass with us just talking and staring at the stars with the sun’s first rays commanding us to go home and get some sleep. With him, I don’t have to think about anything. The thoughts just pour out on their own and the memories are for all of my lifetime, stay etched in my mind.

Although considerably young at twenty, I know he’s the one I wanna marry. He’s the one for me.

However, cruel as the world can be, he’s tied to another. And it doesn’t help that they’re happy together. It pains me to think that all of those moments we spent together, all those stories we talked about and the laughters we shared, he shared with me as a friend. As for me, I stocked all of them in my memory and labeled them with love.

I believe that all of us have someone destined for them. I think twenty years has been long enough to wait for mine, so I’ve decided to look for him on my own. That’s when I remembered that old story my cousin told me about. Crazy how crazily the brain works and connects past memories into present thoughts.

I told him I like him, you know. And you know what he said? With that silly grin of his I secretly adore, he said, “It’s just like hunger. Eat and it’ll pass.” I wanna punch him in the face but I couldn’t, so I just laughed and pretended it was nothing.

Those were all last year’s events now. We’ve separated ways because his family had to move to a different city.  The news wasn’t sudden. He actually talked to me about the plan. I was sad at first, of course. I mean, not being able to talk to him everyday anymore is already sad on its own. But not seeing him as well? That’s another thing. Well, I was consoling myself into thinking that at least now, I wouldn’t be able to hear stories about his long distance girlfriend that he deeply miss and love. Come to think of it, I haven’t really met the girl. I only hear about her from him. It’s his eyes, how soft they always went along with his voice when he talked about her. I know he loves her. And he loves her very much. It hurts.

Not too long, although not too soon either, I was able to accept that we are not meant to be and that I should really move on with my life. College is making it easier to stop thinking about other things though. I’m cursing Engineering but I also think it’s my saving grace, my anchor to the world of the sane, the world where he’s no longer a part of. Damn I miss him.

Part 2: Loose

I was drinking hot choco in the campus cafeteria when one of my friends came by to chat for a while.

“Hey man, not packing for the school holiday yet?” Came his intro to which I took my time responding to. Hot choco in the middle of a nice Autumn morning is worth savoring. After a savored gulp, I looked at him and smiled.

“Thesis.” Came my brief answer.

“Not that again!”

I went back to sipping my hot choco and tried to ignore him. Well, that wasn’t hard because not long after, his girl came to pick him up. They’re off to some beach or mountain or wherever. I’m not bitter. Well, trying to be not.

These two love birds are a perfect match for each other. They regard each other with respect, talk to each other with respect, and respect each other’s thoughts and decisions. I like that the most about them. I don’t like those couples who try to control their partners and force them to be someone they’re not. I mean, aren’t partners called better half to cause better-ness to the other? Geez! People these days.

I was still sipping my choco while staring after my two friends. They were laughing and really looking like they’re having a great time. Well, they are. And once upon a time, I had someone like that too.

Obviously, she’s not with me right now. Why, you ask? Because I’m a moron.

Just last year, before our family moved, I have a female friend who I always talk to and share stories and laughter with. I enjoy talking to her because it’s like we are made out of the same pot. You know what I mean? We have the same likes and dislikes, the same opinion about things and matters in life, society, religious beliefs and practices, and everything else in between. With her, I can be myself, speak my mind, and never worry about being misunderstood. Heck, I can even tell her the most non-sensical of things and she would still understand what I was trying to imply. It’s like she can read my mind but in a very good way. With her, there are no pretensions. Just good time and a lot of laughter and fun.

But I lost her.

Just a year ago, I was still obsessed about my “girlfriend”. Well, I really had a girlfriend and I always talk her, my friend, about the girlfriend. I would ask her things about women’s mind, so I can better understand my girl’s way of thinking. My friend’s always been a great listener. I like that the most about her. We can go on for hours with me talking about my girl and she, listening and explaining things to me from time to time. Knowing that someone is there to listen is a great thing. One of the greatest things in life.

I remember how sad she would get about not being funny and not being able to make smile or laugh when things get bad with my girl. I told her it’s okay but in reality, just having her there makes everything better than it would have otherwise.

She would always thank me for making her laugh and during those times when my leaving is fast approaching, she would be so vocal about missing my silly jokes when I’m not around anymore to make her laugh silly. Well, making her laugh is not difficult at all. She’s the shallowest girl I know who even laughs at people laughing. Yup! Shallow, indeed. I like that about her too.

When she told me she likes me, as in has a crush on me, I don’t know what to say. She knows I have a girlfriend, so why is she saying this to me now? She smiled at me and said that it’s just a crush. I don’t have to worry about it. That when I leave, so will her feelings. I told her she’s just hungry and that it will go away once she eats. I know she wanna punch me then, she have tendencies. Hahaha.

She tried to make the atmosphere light after that and I understood why she did that. She knows I would feel uncomfortable with her telling me that when we both know that I have someone.

Indirectly, she made it known to me that she’s having a hard time liking someone who’s in love with someone. She didn’t need words to explain. I know. What I couldn’t tell her though, is that it’s even more difficult for someone when someone tells you they love you and you couldn’t tell that person that you love her too.

I have a girlfriend. Right. But she’s dead. Been dead for almost two years now. I couldn’t tell her that because she would be shattered. She care so much about me that I couldn’t bear to bring her bad news about me. It would devastate her. I can’t have that. But what if I did tell her that? What then? I don’t know. I don’t know then and I still don’t know now. Well, maybe because I’m a moron.

And yes, I still love her. My girl, that’s who. Up until the time I waved goodbye to that friend, I’m still in love with my girlfriend. But that doesn’t mean I never cared about my friend. I see her as a woman. I see her as a girlfriend, wife material even. But when you were one of the causes why your girlfriend die, you succumb to guilt and tie yourself down to her. I can never forgive myself for her death. Not until her brother gave me that letter from her. She said she doesn’t blame me for anything. She’s sick and delicate in the first place and that trip to the mountains didn’t do anything to contribute to her sickness. She said I shouldn’t beat myself for it and that I deserve to be happy.

That was a year ago now. I’ve finally forgiven myself. I went away from my friend to patch up my conscience. I wonder where she is now.

Part 3: Tied Loose Ends

Autumn is her favorite season. Cold enough with minimum hints of rain and less precipitation. She was pedaling in her bicycle towards the bookstore and finally settled to a coffee shop nearby. She enjoys her solo time and was glad to finally shake her friend off and be alone in the city.

He was buying hot choco when he spotted a petite girl with long locks of red hair. He did a double take and was amazed to confirm that it was really her. He paid for his order and took the seat directly behind her. One table separates them but he could almost touch her hair like the old times.

She flips through the pages of the book, unaware of the man behind her who was willing her, by his mind alone, to turn and look at him. He’s scared to make a move. Finally she did but only to greet a friend who happens to pass by.

He heard her voice and the distinct ring of her laughter. It’s all flooding fast and hard to him now. He stood up, walked towards her, stood in front of her, and stared down at her.

Her nose was still buried in the book, so she didn’t notice him standing there. Only when she decided to take a sip from her cup that she noticed. She looked up and automatically, a wide smile stretched across her face. Finally.

“Well, hello.” He said.