It's finally New Year's Eve, yet I'm still alone.

I tried to call Changmin because he was the only person who had no schedule but he was with his family. I didn't want my family to see me yet, looking like this.

It's been five days since I drank alcohol with Changmin, my best friend, who was the only person who understood me and my problem with this someone who just got married half a month ago. This guy, Lee Sungmin, is the cause of all these pain in my heart right now.

I downed three bottles of liquor that contains 20% of alcohol. I am now drinking my fourth and I still have the whole night to do so.

Damn you, Lee Sungmin.

I texted him.

"Lee Sungmin... I need you. I need you so bad right now."

***

He's the reason why I accepted the solo album that basically contained all the sad songs that the songwriters could think of. It was April when I received the offer. I wanted to turn back, because Yesung hyung deserved the solo album more than me. I thought of Ryeowook also. I thought, if I accepted the offer, would it be fair to them?

I asked Ryeowook. He said it was okay. I knew he wasn't. As singers, he and even Yesung hyung had demanded a solo album at least. But when he assured that he would also get a solo album, maybe next year, I cleared my doubts. Then I got to chat with Yesung hyung who had vacation from the army. He was shocked and I could tell he was upset, but I was more shock when he congratulated me and he said that I should accept the offer.

But still, I asked for the producers time to think it over, then I was asked to listen to the demo tracks. The songs were really good, especially the demo for the title track, but one thing was common - they were all sad songs. I made fun of the producer and told him that if ever, I would like to have a dance album or if not a dance song would do just like Zhoumi, Henry, Taemin and the others who had a comeback as solo artists. First reason was because I wanted to win. Promoting a ballad would not make me number one, unless I was Park Hyoshin sunbae, Sung Sikyung sunbae, Yoo Heeyeol sunbae and others. Second reason was I was happy. Totally happy that Sungmin hyung and I finally ended our conflict due to the room assignments. Yeah, it was the reason of my happiness because to be honest, the conflict between us, even though it was petty as it seemed, made a really big impact to our friendship.

But behind that conflict about the room assignments was an underlying reason why we stopped talking and separated rooms - a girl. Yes, that girl who married him.

I knew that she and Sungmin were in good terms, and since I knew the girl from The Three Musketeers, I began to ask about her to my seniors. They said that they noticed, Sungmin and Saeun were always together as if they were dating. I couldn't believe so I just laughed it off.

"Sungmin hyung? Dating? It was the weirdest thing ever. He was never successful in those kinds of things," I would always say,as dictated by my mind, but deep inside my heart was the urge to find out more, even if it would just make me jealous.

I personally wanted to ask Sungmin hyung, because he was too secretive - to the members, and unbelievably to me. We used to be close that we never had secrets between the two of us - yes, our feelings for each other weren't as secret as well. We even dated for at least a year until 2010, cooled off during the time I had my ear surgery, then got back together again in 2011 before Mr. Simple was released. However, for no definite reason, I broke up with him. I was still in love with him, but the effect of my career which was slowly peaking due to various shows and musicals made me break whatever we had before. He was full of questions and he cried as much I am crying right now.

As prideful as I was, I didn't blame myself and I convinced myself that it would be alright. If Sungmin's for me then he would wait for me until we finally had established career, far from any negativity that the media would say about our relationship. I was too confident that he would stay and patiently wait.

Then I heard he auditioned for The Three Musketeers musical. No words from him. And that made us distant.

The rock-paper-scissors about the room assignment was fake. We didn't fight over a simple game like that. One time before we fought, I saw him so close with that specific girl. I never paid attention to her because she didn't have a huge role but the two of them were really close. Closer than we were. When the members found about her, they began teasing Sungmin hyung because Eunhyuk hyung saw Sungmin's phone and he labeled the girl as 'Chu'. That was the start of it. I got jealous and blamed him for being a two-timer.

"Freaking hell, Lee Sungmin! We just cooled off then..."

"Cooled off? We broke up, Kyuhyun," he said, his eyes swelling because of the endless flow of his tears. "I have the right to flirt whoever I wanted to."

I locked him into my arms, kissed him hard and pinned him against the wall the exact way I did when we were still together. But the thing was, before there was full of happiness - full of love. After then, it was full of anger and regrets. Before, he would pull me closer and we would end up making love. After, he would try to push me farther.

"T-There's... there's something I want to tell you, Kyuhyun," Sungmin said as he successfully pushed me. "I... I am in-"

"I don't want to listen," I said, covering both my ears. "Just take this room. I would go."

I left without hearing what he was about to say. There was awkwardness that the members would tease us together. But it didn't work.

During Radio Star when he became a guest, that was where I tried to fix everything between us, but then it didn't. Our friendship was restored, but not the love that we felt when we were together - it was a different story. I knew from there that there was something off.

Two months later, he told everyone that he had a girlfriend.

"They would break up. Trust me," I would say to the members who would be very concerned, then I would laugh it off.

However, before the day of my decision, he announced to everyone that he was getting married.

Everyone was surprised, but only four people sent him congratulations. I, of course, not included with those four. From then on, I stopped. It was so painful that I secretly would go out with Changmin and drink. I would go home, drunk, as I went straight to my room, to my bed, covered with blanket and cried myself to sleep. It went on for about a week, until Eunhyuk found out about it. He comforted me and said, "Stop wasting your time in drinking. He's not going to like it. He's not going to take his decision back."

That hit the spot.

I accepted the album wholeheartedly as the two of them prepared for the wedding. They went to the photoshoot, to wedding gown designer. I became busy recording the songs that with every finished recording had an equivalent package of tears.

After a few songs, I requested the producer that I would like to include a self-made song in the album. He gave me only two weeks. Even though it was impossible, I had an inspiration. Besides, Changmin volunteered that he would help me, because he knew how I cared for Sungmin.

In the span of two weeks, I found time to tell him that I would have an album.

"Oh, congratulations," It was the only thing that came from his mouth. I expected more - he was my very first fan. He usually got excited when I would be singing an OST or anything. He would be n instant fanboy telling that my voice was one of a kind and that he liked to be me for his second life because I was good in singing.

How things had changed.

After some preparations, it came to a finish that they decided the date of the album release - November 13. A month before Sungmin's wedding.

I don't know if it was coincidence or not, but why? Why should it be exactly a month before?

The album then became successful that I won a lot of awards. And as usual, I didn't hear anything from Sungmin. A congratulations used to be enough as I adjusted my expecations. But nothing came from him.

Before, I had a thought of celebrating my first solo album and win with him. But it remained a plan without any execution.

How things had changed.

When I thought there would no hope anymore, I asked the producer to perform my final performance on the week of Sungmin's wedding. By then, I would have a very legitimate excuse why I would be absent in his wedding. I tried to refrain from crying during the performance. I did, but my eyes became redder as tears threatened to fall.

During my performance in Music Core, I requested to be the last, but I was given a slightly earlier schedule. I tried to stall and waited for the winner's results.

But I ended up going to the wedding after. I went directly at Sungmin's room and talked to him.

"Don't worry. I won't be long," I said as I faced Sungmin. "I know nothing can ever change your mind anymore. But please remember that whatever happens, I would be here with you. I love you, Sungmin. Sorry for being so weak."

I ended our meeting with a hug then left the ceremony. And the fans were right. I went to Gwanghwamun hoping that I would bring back the memories that he and shared. But it's just a silly thought. It won't ever come back. Never.

***

"Who am I kidding?" I say as I almost threw the phone away from me. "He has a w-wife now, Cho Kyuhyun!"

I laugh loudly until I end up crying so hard. I am really insane.

"Y-You... you're stupid Cho Kyuhyun for letting him go... You ing bastard. You ing... good-for-nothing."

"Yah!"

I think I am hallucinating as I hear a voice that sounds like Sungmin's. I laugh as I talk to the bottle of liquor. "You're imagining things, heh!"

"You're really stupid!" The voice says once again. This time, I am sure it's real. I see a man standing near my door then after a few seconds, he's already trying to put away all the bottles. "Why are you even doing this!?"

"A-Ah! Sungmin!" I grin as I hold his shoulders. "Are you real!? I think I am just imagining things... I am so stupid... I am still into you even though I can't... I can't anymore... I should not... I-" I begin to sob and tears begin falling. Sungmin hugs me tightly. "Why are you even here!? Stop making me insane... Stop... Just stop!" I hit him hard on the back then as it progresses, it becomes softer then I finally stop as I hug him back. "W-Why... and h-how... I don't understand why you came..."

Sungmin put his head on my shoulder. "You... you're a jerk. You texted me that you needed me so now I am here. I am here because you said you needed me," he says, tears dropping on my shirt. "I'm sorry... I-I really am."

I am not able to speak. To me... for that night, it's enough that he came. It's enough that I had him in my arms.

Even if it's temporary...

...for me, it's already enough.

***

Sorry for the long long overdue! IT TOOK A MONTH OMG.