“Come home, Qilin,” Tiger says. “We can protect you better here.”

Stunned into silence, I stand in the doorway for a few seconds.

“I thought you agreed to lead him out,” I point out reasonably.

“Yes, but not where,” Horse replies.

“It’s not safe to leave the base unguarded,” Ox points out. “And we’re unfamiliar with the environment there, so it’s not as easy to watch you.”

“I’m not a child to be watched,” I retort, but it’s the wrong argument to make. Ox’s face is drawn across with deepening lines, and nobody else looks any happier. I backtrack. “Okay, I know I’m the youngest, but I don’t need protecting any more than the rest of you. I can protect myself.”

“Why are you fighting this?” Horse asks, confused.

“You don’t want to come home?” Monkey asks, and his voice is bewildered, lost.

 “I told you,” Rabbit says, almost angrily. I think he’s talking to me, but when I spare a glance, he’s looking at Tiger. I look, too, and what I see on his and the rest of their faces on the screen breaks my heart.

“I- I...” Shaking my head frantically, I start backing out of the cave.

Don’t I want to go home?

“Give me some time to think about it,” I gasp, and bolt into my room, locking the door and disabling my earpiece. The illusion of privacy allows me a moment to calm down, but then I catch sight of someone in the full length mirror and exhale a half-formed scream.

It’s Shin Minhee, with her long, almost black hair, except it’s not. Those are my wide, panicky eyes in my face, my lips parting in shock. I drag off the wig, and now it’s Shin Minho in the reflection, but not. Those are my s, the same eyes, the same lips that quiver when the eyes change, become more hazel as I will them. And then it’s the face that I used to stare at, trying to find traces of Maman, the mother that I loved before she went crazy, and sometimes after.

I see Park Jinhee facing me, and the scream builds inside me, because it hurts, hurts to remember who I used to be, hurts to remember my first brother, hurts to remember anything at all because none of it exists anymore. It feels like some part of me is splintering inside, but I swallow down the panic and force myself to look my ghost in the eyes, my ghost that refuses to let me grow up. In my brothers’ eyes, she is still me, and I am still her. No matter how skilled I am– still weak, still helpless. No matter how many men I cripple.

But as I meet Jinhee’s eyes, I realize my folly. These are the same eyes that looked at Ox and made him despair, knowing they had kidnapped the wrong girl. These are the same eyes that saw Rooster die and looked at the rest of Zodiac, knowing they were to be my new family. These are the same eyes that watched Zodiac for years, the same girl that grew up and decided to fight for the people she loves.

Park Jinhee is not a ghost, because she is a part of me. She is not all that I am, anymore, but she is still a part of my identity I can’t ignore. I rose as Qilin, as the consequence, as full-fledged Zodiac member, only through the will of that little girl who never knew her age, who craved her father’s acceptance. My ghost in the reflection nods and yields to me, eyes becoming harder, mouth setting in a determined line, back straightening more confidently.

Back in the cave, I wanted to argue. “I’m not the girl you kidnapped!” I wanted to scream, and rage, and show them that I am the consequence. Now, looking in the mirror, I see myself as my brothers see me. Powerful and confident, but first and foremost, the child who grew up under their wings. They love me, and I love them. I miss them, painfully and suddenly.

I force my muscles to relax and push the color of my eyes back, back to the deep brown that passes for Asian, and see a short-haired Sarah Yang, grown-up in the mirror. Hitting the button on the band around my chest, I watch myself metamorphose into Jackson, Zodiac’s Puppy. A sigh, a moment to collect my features, and I look up again to see Shin Minho. As I morph through my different identities, I acknowledge each one and know that they are parts of me, reconciling the rifts that have been long in the making.

The time I spend in front of the mirror grounds me, but I’m no more prepared to leave Seoul than I was before. I miss them, a phantom ache pulsing in my chest, but I’m not ready to give up on Hoseok, and Jackson, and the rest of them.

I spend a few minutes curled up on my bed, but eventually I emerge from my room and enter the cave again. My brothers back at base aren’t on the screen anymore, and Rat is the only one in the room.

“Hey, Lin,” he greets me with a tentative smile.

“Ge. Where’d they go?” I ask, gesturing to the monitors.

“Rabbit had a talk with us,” he says.

The brother in question enters the room while Rat speaks.

“You did?” I ask him.

“Yeah, I talked to them,” he replies seriously. “They agreed for us to stay here, they know about your plan, and they’re deciding on one other person to join us in the next few days. That’s all so far.”

“What did you say to them?” I demand, unwilling to believe they gave up, just like that, especially after hearing about my antics with the idols.

“I told them it wasn’t just about keeping you safe, but about letting you be happy,” Rabbit answers bluntly.

I stare at him. “. You didn’t say it like that, did you?”

Rat shakes his head. “No, but hearing him say it like that now just hurts my heart.”

I drop onto my haunches next to the swivel chair he’s sitting in. “Ge, that’s not it. It’s not that I’m unhappy with you, but that sometimes it gets suffocating. I understand that it was for my own good, to keep me safe, and I love you guys, but now that I’m able to fight for myself, I don’t want to live in the dark.”

Rat sighs. “Rabbit said it almost exactly like that. How do you understand her so well?”

I smile fondly at Rabbit and get up to put my arm around his waist. He puts his arm across my shoulders and holds me close for a moment. I rest my head against his shoulder before raising it and speaking. “Rabbit is closer to me in age than anyone else is, correct?”

They both nod.

“And although he was practicing taekwondo when he joined Zodiac, he wasn’t a fighter. He still isn’t.”

Nods again.

“Rabbit watched me from when I wasn’t a fighter, to when I was big enough to learn, and then to when I was big enough to win against him in a fight.”

Rat interjects. “We all did!”

I hold up a finger. “But all of you had histories before you joined Zodiac. You came into the family knowing how to fight, and the way of life was familiar to you. Rabbit and I both threw up when Ox shot Rooster. It was our first death.”

Rabbit makes a small sound of agreement. He knows where I’m going with this.

“Just because I’m smaller, and was younger than anyone else when I became a part of the family, you guys see me a certain way.”

“Yeah, you’re the baby!” Rat protests. “Can’t let the baby get hurt.”

I roll my eyes. “My point. Rabbit, being youngest, doesn’t think I’m a baby. He knows how frustrated I am, because he sees himself as weaker than the rest of you, and me, but you let him do whatever and I’m not allowed to.”

“I’m not anywhere close to as skilled as Lin is, but I’m allowed to go out by myself. I can imagine how frustrated she must be to know that she can take care of herself, but none of us let her do it.”

I smile gratefully at my closest brother, then frown. “Earlier, did you also tell them that if I hide, Snake can’t get at me? That would ruin our plan, wouldn’t it? And the environment here, being unfamiliar, might end up in Snake making mistakes?”

He nods. “Of course. They said that Snake might slip up more in a familiar environment though.”

“But we’re natives,” I reply.

He nods again, this time with a rueful expression. “Also my argument. Strange that nobody else ever seems to see logic when it comes to you.”

 “Must be my feminine wiles,” I joke, but we’re all too familial for that. The two brothers with me both give me a disgusted look. Even I’m slightly creeped out.

“Sorry.”

Hoseok’s POV:

The second the van door slides closed, I can’t run from the memories anymore. Ever since last night, I’ve been thinking about Genie. It’s almost as if she haunting me, except I know she’s only moved away. We were too young to be able to keep in touch, but I regret it now, not trying a little harder.

“Hyung, what are you thinking about?” Kookie asks.

I smile absently at him. “A friend I haven’t seen in a long time.”

“Not a girl?” Jimin asks.

“You looked like you were thinking about a girl,” Tae contributes.

I frown at them. “Yes, she’s a girl, but I wasn’t thinking about her like that.”

“Okay,” Namjoon says dubiously.

Jin hyung smiles at me and doesn’t say anything.

“Think about something else. You look sad.” Yoongi turns to face the front again.

“...Okay.”

Strangely enough, Shin Minho’s face is what comes to mind.

He raps me on the head when I ask him to have dinner with us.

“Don’t say unnecessary things and just eat.” He wrinkles his nose at me.

His eyes.

I blink out of my reverie.

“You’re flushed,” Kookie whispers. “Are you okay?”

I flinch. Why am I thinking about him?

Jackson’s POV:

Rapmon calls me as they head home.

“Eo, what’s up?” I answer, lying on the couch.

“Nothing, just feels like we haven’t talked for a while.”

“We met up like two days ago,” I laugh.

“True, but so much has happened. I’m also exhausted; I dreamed about practicing taekwondo for the Gayo Daejun last night, and I think I’m going to dream about it again tonight.”

“Sounds like Minho hyung is working you guys hard,” I observe.

“I’ve been meaning to ask, how old is he?”

“Minho? He’s our age.”

He goes silent for a second. “You just called him hyung, though.”

“Well, we did meet his younger sister first and then it just seemed natural.”

“Damn it. We’ve all been calling him hyung too. We assumed he’s older than us.”

“He acts like a hyung,” I point out. “And he’s knows a whole lot more than we do.”

“You know, I think there’s something weird about him,” he says, suddenly hushed. “This thing happened with Tae the other day...”

Qilin’s POV:

Rat bunks with Rabbit for the night. I stay up a little longer, just thinking.

I’ve never acted out like this before, at least not to my brothers’ faces. Sure, I snuck out at night in Hong Kong countless times, but I’ve never flat-out refused to obey them. Maybe it’s been a long time coming.

Everything seems like it’s going wrong. My brothers are scared of losing me, and I can’t even say it’s without good reason. I bluff my way through everything, but the truth is, being back in Korea has shaken me to my core. We’ve reconciled, for now, but there’s no knowing how the rest of this adventure will play out.

The little performance I did in the mirror of my room showed that I have the same control over my appearance, but I still feel like I’m at risk of melting into the different personas. They’re all parts of me, and I’ve accepted that now, but is there any one identity that I can live for the rest of my life? What makes the whole thing likely to crash and burn is the fact that I’m meeting the same people, often and intimately, in my different identities. Even the most unobservant person is likely to notice eventually.

It might be a different situation if I weren’t so damn emotionally invested. I can’t even delude myself that it’s only Jackson and Hoseok who have this pull over me. It’s only been days, but Taehyung, whom I nearly crippled, and Bobby, with his laidback charm, are just two of the myriad personalities who’ve bound me to Seoul.

Never mind that I can’t make myself disappear from Jackson and Hoseok’s lives for the second time. Never mind that I want to become closer to these boys, as if suddenly my life with Zodiac isn’t enough and I need to feel normal.

Never mind all that, because I’m scared.

I’m scared that I’ve already lost sight of myself, that I knew only the consequence, and now that I’ve gotten a taste of something new, I can’t ever be satisfied with my life again.