8 눈물의yesterday
Tears of YesterdayTaemin had not gone out of the room for a couple of days or at least he never went out whenever Jinki was home which was always. Jinki would just leave food by the bedroom door but he wasn't hoping that Taemin would actually touch it because he knew Taemin would just eat whatever he finds in the kitchen and not those made by his older brother. He could be so stubborn at times but Jinki couldn't care less because he was kinda being stubborn himself. He didn't want to talk to Taemin unless he talks to him first. It didn't make sense but he was just so tired of trying.
Taemin was playing with his phone in the bedroom when he heard some voices coming from the living room. It was his brother with Jonghyun. He always came home with Jonghyun.
"Any news from Amber?"
"I called her friend. She still didn't attend her classes today."
"Shall we go to her flat and check on her?"
"No. She would call if she wanted us there."
"Don't stress over it too much, okay?"
"But it's Amber we're talking about here."
"I know, I know. She's a strong girl. She'll be alright."
"She's the weakest and you know that."
Taemin rolled his eyes and put on his headphones so he wouldn't hear anything. He knew they were talking aloud on purpose so he could hear them talk about her. He wasn't as stupid as they thought he was. Though the music that were entering his ears weren't stopping him from thinking of her. He couldn't even hear the music playing. He could just hear her voice calling out his name from that night. He could only imagine the look on her face when he pushed her away. He could see clearly in his head the distress and fear in her watery eyes. He wanted to sleep it off but he couldn't. He just kept picturing Amber crying and it was making him feel so spiteful that he was starting to hate himself.
She was all he thought about. He really couldn't understand anything anymore. He thought he already loathed her, he thought he didn't want her anymore but why was she the only thing in his mind? Why was he still hurting because of her? And why did he still like her so much even if he was hurting? He didn't even care if he wouldn't reconcile with his brother, he just wanted to see her and make it all up to her.
He hit his forehead for a few times before he decided to get up and get out of the room. He walked past his brother and went straight out. He thought he needed to stop thinking about her and the only solution he got was to get drunk and regret it all in the morning. So he drank all night with an empty stomach. He knew he'd surely regret everything but he didn't care. He just wanted to forget even for a while because he was really going crazy. So crazy, he could strap out his hair. So crazy, he could shoot himself if he had a gun.
But he couldn't strap out his hair and he couldn't kill himself, instead he could only get drunk and make himself feel awful. And once he was drunk enough, he left the stall and went to a place he wasn't planning to go to. Ever. He harshly knocked on Amber's apartment door. Yes, even in the drunk state of his, she was still all he thought about. It wasn't part of his plans. But he was completely aware of what he was doing. He knew it was wrong but he couldn't stop himself thinking that being drunk was a great excuse of doing it.
He knocked constantly till the door swung open.
"What are you doing here?" She asked with a worried tone as she closed the door behind her. She wasn't mad. She was just really worried about the whole situation.
"Noona," Taemin started taking a step closer to her. She took a step back but he kept coming closer and closer until her back was already against the door.
"I really hate you, noona." Taemin muttered. Amber smelled alcohol. He was just too close to her. Their bodies were almost united and they were breathing each other's breath.
"You're drunk. Go home." She lightly pushed him but he only held her by her shoulders and pinned her to the door.
"Taemin."
"Why didn't you reply to any of my letters?"
"Why did you pretend to like me?"
"Why did you have to hurt me?"
"Why did you have to like my brother instead of me?"
He bombarded her with questions. But she could only stare at his searching eyes.
"Do you know how much pain you've caused me?"
"I'm afraid to dance again because of you!"
Taemin was then blaming her. Again. But this time, he was telling it straight to her face and not just making her feel it. But it didn't make Amber feel any better. It was even more painful.
"Because of you, I got hit by a car, I couldn't walk for over a year, and now I'm scared to dance again. You have to take that one thing I'm passionate about with you and your selfish self!" He was so furious, he just kept shaking her shoulders with desperation in his voice. Amber was already in tears. She couldn't look at him anymore.
"You never cared about me. You only cared about hyung." Taemin was smirking.
"But even after all this..." He breathed in and out slowly.
"I still want you."
"I don't know. You're the one who breaks me into the tiniest pieces but you're also the one who picks all my broken pieces and glues them back together. You complete me. Even if you've caused me so much pain, you're the only one that takes all the pain away." A tear fell from the side of his left eye. Amber saw it fall. It was the first time she had ever seen him cry. And it hurt her. To add were his words that were so beautiful yet dolorous. She could just hear them echo in her head.
"Why aren't you talking? Why aren't you explaining yourself? Come on, tell me!!!" Taemin shook her again, harder this time that it was really hurting her physically.
"Stop, Taemin. Please." She murmured as she put her hands over his trying to remove them.
Taemin only tightened his grip before he looked at her intensely still searching for answers. He then shoved his lips into hers real roughly. But Amber only pushed him off of her and slapped his left cheek that instantly turned red.
"Go home! Talk to me when you're sober." Amber hurriedly entered her apartment and slammed the door. She leaned against the door and weeped again.
"Noona! Open up!" Taemin kept knocking at her door again but she could only cover her ears with her hands.
"Amber noona," His voice was softer.
"I love you." He uttered gently, his knocking even gentler.
Amber took out her phone from her pocket with her shaking hands and searched for Jinki's number. She pressed his name and waited for the phone to ring.
"Oppa, come here." Amber muttered in between sobs.
"Amber? Are you crying? What's happened?"
"Taemin. He's here. Please, pick him up. He's drunk." Amber kept wiping the tears that wouldn't stop falling with the back of her free hand.
"What? I— I'm coming. Hold on, okay?"
Amber had to endure hearing Taemin's voice from the other side of the door. She had to bear all the things he was telling her, all the things that he already said that he just kept repeating over and over again. Amber could just run to her room so she wouldn't have to suffer but she was still worrying about Taemin.
"Taemin, let's go." She finally heard Jinki's voice.
"No, hyung. Amber noona is—"
"Taem, come on."
"Amber noona! Amber noona!"
Amber pulled her knees up and embraced them. She was glad it was finally over. It was all over.
>>>
Taemin woke up the next day with a headache. He hit the sides of his head when he felt them throbbing before he massaged them. The regret was slowly coming in. Slowly and painfully. He removed the blanket over his legs and opened his eyes. He found a tray with a bowl of soup and a cup of coffee on the bedside table. He looked at the time. It was nearly 11. His head started aching so badly again. He decided to just lie down for a while. Then he started to remember some things from last night. He could recall Jinki stopping the car and pulling him out before he vomited just beside the wheel of the car. He could recall Jinki patting his back and telling him "That's right. Let it all out.". He could remember Jinki pushing him down his bed and taking his shoes off for him. He could remember Jinki murmuring "Just because you're old enough to get drunk, you actually do it. What a kid." And he also remembered Jinki say "If you only knew what Amber and I had gone through because of you."
What did I do last night? That was the only thing he could ask himself.
Both the coffee and soup were cold so he tried his best to stand up and go to the kitchen to get himself a hot new cup of coffee. He sat at the table and rubbed his eyes with his fingers. Not remembering anything and trying to remember something were making his head ache even more. He took a sip from his cup but spit it out immediately because of its bitterness.
After an hour, he finally felt a lot better. The hangover was still there but just a little. He still wasn't sure what he did last night though. He had to wait for his brother for him to tell him everything. Although he knew there would be some scolding too.
He suddenly heard the doorbell rang. He went to the door and when opened it, he saw Amber. She was holding a huge box. But Taemin could only stare at her puffy red eyes. It was really obvious that she had been crying.
"Here. Take it. They're the letters you wanted." Amber shoved the big and, apparently, heavy box to Taemin's chest. She then walked away right afterwards. He wanted to stop her but then he finally remembered what he had done the night before.
He put down the box by the sofa and opened it. He aspired totally taken aback by what he saw. There were so many letters. At the very least, 200 letters. He picked the one on top. It was dated to just a couple of weeks ago, a couple of days after he arrived.
Hey. I saw you today. For the first time in 7 years. You've grown so much and you've changed. But you're still the most beautiful human being I have ever seen. How I missed you. But have you really forgotten about me? You haven't, right? I know this letter doesn't make sense since you're already back but I just want to let you know how happy I am to see you again. Are you happy to be back? Are you happy to see me again? Probably not. I know. Let's just make new memories together, okay?
Then he took another letter. A random one. He read it. It was just about Amber's routine but the last paragraph really caught his attention.
I know I should be sending you this but why try when it can't even get to you? Why try when they won't give it to you? They won't even let you know about my letters. I'm still wondering whether they kept my letters or they threw them away. What do you think? Can you ask them?
They. Who is she talking about? Taemin was so confused and tried reading another letter though he knew it would only confuse him even more. He needed to know more about what or who Amber was talking about.
April 14, 2013
Taem, your brother introduced his boyfriend a few days ago. No, I didn't write that wrong. Please, don't think badly of him or think differently of him. He's still the same as how you remembered him. His name is Jonghyun. He's a really nice and sweet guy and he seems really sincere about his feelings for oppa. He makes oppa smile too. Everyday. And that's what you would want, right? Are you curious about me? I'm fine. At least I try to be. For you. I hope you're okay. Do your legs still hurt?
He stopped reading from that point. He froze, his hands dropping the letter. She knew?
He couldn't read any more of that. His head was just aching and it wasn't even because of the alcohol anymore. It was because of Amber's letters that were messing up his head. He ruffled his hair that were still needed to be cut but he refused to get it cut after his little fight with his brother.
He needed his brother that moment. He needed explanations and Jinki had all the answers. He didn't want to admit it but Jinki really knew everything. Everything there is to know. Even the things about himself. Jinki was the only one who knew.
“I'm still working, Taemin. Is there a problem?” Jinki had an annoyed tone but Taemin ignored it knowing it was only an act because of what he did the night before.
“Just come home.” Taemin paused and sighed.
“I need you.”
That was Jinki's cue to leave work early and to go home to his little brother who seemed to have a problem. He was lucky he didn't have to substitute anyone that day.
He entered the apartment and found Taemin sitting on the floor with scattered letters around him. He was actually trying to organize them according to their dates without having to read what was inside them even if he was tempted to. Jinki knew who those letters were from. So he sat on the wooden varnished floor next to Taemin and looking at him with questioning eyes.
“Did you know?” Taemin asked keeping his eyes concentrated on the box.
“Did you know about my legs?” Then he finally looked at Jinki that was already looking anxious. He assumed it was one of those things he wasn't supposed to know. But he thought they weren't supposed to know about it either. He was again confused but he knew Jinki's silence was a yes.
“Amber and I,” Jinki started. Taemin wasn't sure where Jinki was going with the start of his explanation. He was a little scared of what he was going to say.
“We never really had any romantic relationship. We never dated.” Jinki stated that made Taemin widen his eyes. He didn't know whether Jinki was serious or not but with the straight face he had, he knew he was telling the truth. Jinki then added a slight nod that Taemin became even more shocked than before.
/flashback/
A week after Taemin left, everything seemed fine. At least for Amber. Jinki was still a little mad at his parents even if Taemin told him not to stay mad at them before he left.
As promised, Amber would write Taemin letters from the moment Taemin started sending her one. His first letter was a really long and complicated way of telling her "I miss you". He wrote so many things but it just all led to those three words. Amber wrote him her first letter telling him she missed him too and telling him not to laugh while reading it because she knew she made so many mistakes in writing.
What's odd though was when she read Taemin's next letter and it said that she didn't respond to his first letter. But she did respond. She was sure of it. She ignored it at first thinking that it had not got to Taemin yet or it lost its way or something. But after receiving the next three letters and how Taemin kept writing "why aren't you writing back?", it bothered her. So she asked Jinki's opinion about it but even he didn't know the answer.
After a few months of continuous questioning, Amber received a phone call. It was a call from overseas. She thought it was Taemin so she answered it immediately but it wasn't Taemin. It was his biological mom. She told Amber to stop writing letters and that Taemin wouldn't be able to read then anyway. Amber knew exactly what that meant. She also told Amber not to try keeping in touch with Taemin because she was just becoming a hindrance to him. She said Taemin needed to move on from the past, that he needed to move on from her and his old family. She sounded so authoritative as if she was obligating Amber.
Amber didn't listen to her though. She just kept sending him letters hoping that he would receive it. She didn't tell Jinki about it either because she didn't want him to get even madder at Taemin's parents. But Taemin's mother called her again. She was furious. Amber got scared. She was even cussing at Amber.
Amber finally told Jinki about it. She couldn't take it anymore. She was disgusted by the words Taemin's mom threw at her. However, she was right about Jinki getting even madder. Apparently, he also received a call from Taemin's parents. Not just a call, but tons of calls telling him to stop contacting Taemin or answering his calls telling him he was making things worse for them because Taemin still wouldn't open up to them because he always had Jinki to ran to. Of course, Jinki refused. He merited to stay in contact with his little brother. But even his parents talked to him about it. They told him to stop. They told him to listen to Taemin's parents or if he didn't want to listen to them, he should at least listen to his own parents. So he followed their orders. He stopped calling Taemin but Taemin never stopped calling him and he tried to ignore as many calls as he could. Amber still wrote him letters but she never mailed them. She didn't want to receive another horrible phone call from the Yoons.
"Mom, I can't always ignore him. I have to answer once in a blue moon." Jinki was getting really frustrated with everything. Amber rubbed his back trying to calm him down.
"Make him stop calling you then."
"What?"
"Make him hate you if you have to."
"Mom, don't be ridi—"
"Just figure something out. Do it!" It was the first time that Jinki herd his mom shout. She wasn't the type who shouts a lot. She hated getting mad. She didn't want her sons to get scared of her. But that moment, she thought she needed to use that tone so Jinki would stop being stubborn. She also knew there would be consequences.
Jinki and Amber decided to do what they thought was right. Well, they thought it was wrong but it was the only solution. Jinki told Taemin that he was dating Amber even if he wasn't. They both thought that it would only make Taemin mad and nothing more than that. But the next day, his mom called him telling him that Taemin was involved in an accident. Jinki lost his balance and broke down on the floor. He and his parents instantly flew to Japan and visited Taemin in the hospital. He looked okay. Just little bruises and the three of them were relieved even if he still had not woken up yet. He had been unconscious for a week and that's what's worrying them. They were still there when Taemin finally woke up. They were just outside the room when Taemin was calling out their names, when he was looking for them with his desperate tone of voice. They were all crying. They could feel his pain. They wished to let him know they were all just there for him but they couldn't because the Yoons didn't allow them.
They went back to Korea with the loneliest faces. Jinki shouted at his parents blaming them for making him do such a terrible thing to his brother. Ever since then he became distant from them. He stopped talking to them. He never went back to the province. And he missed out birthdays and holidays.
Amber was blaming herself though. Amber would cry every night thinking that it was all because of her and the lie they made.
Jinki didn't study as much as before and he was falling behind in his classes. Most nights, he would get drunk and Amber would sometimes join him. They just wanted to forget everything. They both wanted to suffer because they both thought they deserved it.
"Oppa, you drunk enough?"
"I'll never be drunk enough."
They laughed but it wasn't a happy laughter. It was a sad and painful laughter. Jinki gazed at Amber who had eyes so red. He then moved and leaned closer to her before he cupped her cheeks and kissed her lips. She let him. He thought that since they were already pretending, he should just make it real. But he immediately pulled away and smirked.
"This doesn't feel right." He shook his head before he chugged his half empty bottle of beer.
They liked each other. That was clear. But Jinki's love for his brother was so much more than his little crush on Amber. And Amber, she knew she was in love with Taemin. She knew he was the only one. She knew he already owned her heart from the very start.
After that night, she tried to be stronger. Not for herself, but for Jinki and Taemin. She would always take care of Jinki. She would stop him from drinking whenever she could. She even spent most of her time in his apartment just to watch over him. She once even caught him lighting a cigarette in the balcony and heck, did she got so mad at him. Jinki's health was at stake and she couldn't let him get ill. She told him to stop drinking and smoking. She told him Taemin wouldn't want that. She told him Taemin would want his healthy and cuddly older brother back and not the thin and sick Jinki that he was that moment. But she couldn't convince him so she cried her heart out. She cried till she got no tears left or at least till Jinki was in so much pain from watching her cry.
Those were the worst months. Everything became so much better when Taemin finally called Jinki again. He didn't expect his little brother to call after what he and Amber had done. But he did, he called. He figured Taemin was in rehab whenever he called him. His parents told him about Taemin going to the rehabilitation center and he was making great progress.
"Can I answer his calls again?" Jinki asked when his parents visited him in the army even though he had been answering his calls for a while now.
"Yeah," his dad answered knowing Jinki was the reason why Taemin was doing so great in rehab.
Amber was still writing him letters. Every letter was filled with words of encouragement. And at the end of every letter she would write "I hope you can read this. Noona loves you so much. I love you so much."
///
Taemin stared at a letter he just picked up and looked at the date. July 18, 2011. He opened the envelope and saw not a just a piece of paper, but also a photo. It was Amber with her hair tied up.
Happy birthday, Taem! Another year has passed by. Send us some pictures will you? I wanna know whether you've changed or not. Me? I'm letting my hair grow. But I don't like it. What do you think? Should I let it grow or not? There's a photo in the envelope if you didn't see it. Tell me if you want noona to have long hair, okay? I'm guessing you don't like it so I'll cut it off immediately.
I visited your brother yesterday and we celebrated your birthday. But all we did was cry and everyone just looked at us oddly. Ridiculous, right? Well, that's how you affect us. You always make us cry. You always make us feel bad. But nevertheless, we still adore. We love you. I love you.
The last words were all smudged up but Taemin was still able to read them. He assumed it was Amber's tears that caused the smear.
"I'm sorry, hyung. I'm really sorry." Taemin muttered though he thought Jinki had had enough of his apologies.
"All this time, I've been blaming the wrong people." He said as he put the letter inside the box where it belonged.
"My own parents caused everything." He didn't want to admit it but it was what he thought was true.
"No, Taem. Don't blame them either." Jinki put his hand on Taemin's knee.
"But none of these would've happened if they had not come back, if they had not took me away, if they had not forced you to stop contacting me, to lie to me!" Taemin burried his faced in his palms.
"But they're still your parents. They're still your family. They only wanted the best for you. We all wanted the best for you and we all thought that that was the best for you, but we all thought wrong. We all made the same mistake." Jinki explained rubbing Taemin's knee then patting his thigh to comfort the younger man. The latter sighed before he threw his arms around his brother's neck and embraced him laying his head on Jinki's shoulder.
"Hyung, just—I'm really sorry." He whispered.
"I'm sorry for lying to you, Taem." Jinki murmured so softly like he was lulling his little brother to sleep.
"And Amber noona. What should I do?" Taemin bended backward to look at Jinki.
"You should apologize to her. That's all she needs. Especially after last night. I don't know what you did but," Jinki didn't need to finish his sentence because Taemin already understood.
"Give her time though. She also needs that." Jinki patted his back.
yay for Amber's solo! Yayy for Amber's album!!! Yay for Shake that Brass! Yay for Beautiful! Yay for Love Run!! Yay for Heights! Yay for I Just Wanna!!!! Yayy for everything Amber has done so far!!!! Let's all support her till the very end!!!!
I'm really happy that they're finally showcasing Amber's great singing ability. Even if she's promoting a rap track. I like Shake that Brass(and I'm not a very fond of rap songs. depends on how great the rapper is), but I find it funny how that's the only rap track in the album. ha. ha.
I Just Wanna!!! I lolololololove it!!! I've got nothing else to say.
This fic is ending. huhuhu. ANd I haven't got any new story ideas yet. Someone help me!!! I don't wanna stop writing. I wanna write KeyBer again.
xdorkyx
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