They stayed silent for the next ten minutes until it was time to get off the bus. But it was fine, really. They were comfortable within that silence. It didn't feel strange or awkward. It felt good. It felt nice. They had not felt that way for a long time.

“You ready?” Amber glanced at him before she grabbed his forearm and started dragging him to somewhere she knew meant so much to him.

Taemin tried pulling away when they reached their destination. But Amber was strong and just kept holding onto him. They were in front of the dance studio. She pulled him inside, into a room that was so familiar. They stood at the very center of the room. Nothing had changed. Amber smiled and let Taemin remember every single inch of the room. She then sneaked to the back and placed her phone on the loudspeaker. Taemin almost jumped when the music suddenly started playing. Now, he was scared. Amber walked towards him with a crooked smile.

“I—I don't dance.” He said shaking his head and waving his hands in front of him so Amber wouldn't get near him.
“That's impossible. You're our dancing machine, Lee Taemin.” Amber didn't believe him.
“I just—I stopped. I had no time when I was in Japan.” Taemin stated with his voice already trembling. It worried Amber a little. But she shook her head thinking that she could convince him.
“There's no way you've forgotten t how to dance.” Amber clutched his arms.
“If you did, then I'll remind you how you did it.” Amber started wiggling their arms together like how she did it in the past but it didn't make Taemin laugh. He was just feeling sick. Amber noticed that he wasn't making an effort on moving. So she stopped and furrowed her brows as she stared at his eyes.
“Wanna dance slower?” Amber pulled him a little closer. Close enough to make him shake inside and out. But Amber just continued swaying their bodies together. It didn't make him feel any better. He felt awful. He felt his legs wobbling like they could break down any moment. He pulled away harshly from her. He stepped backward before he ran out of the room, out of the building.

He ran till he was far off from the building, far off from her. He panted as he bended forward and put his hands on his knees. He closed his eyes when he felt his legs aching. They were hurting so much. He gritted his teeth hoping that the throbbing would stop. It did. He just felt numb. He couldn't feel his legs again. He couldn't move them again.

[December 2009]
Taemin dialed Jinki's number. He was walking down the busy and white street of Tokyo on his way home that night. The streetlights lit up the roads and shops and the snow was falling. It was really beautiful, he thought. But he still hoped to go home soon.

“Hyung!” He exclaimed when Jinki finally answered.
“How are you? I haven't talked to you for a week. Do you have some news for me?” He asked as he rubbed his arm with his free hand. He was freezing.
“Same old, same old.” Jinki simply replied.
“And Amber noona? How is she? Are you taking good care of her?”
“Yeah,” Taemin could tell there was something off with the way Jinki spoke.

“Please, tell her to reply to my letters. She never replies and—“
“Taem, about Amber,” Jinki started.
“Is she alright?” Taeming anxiously asked. He was scared that something bad might have happened to her.
“Yes, Taem. She's more than okay. It's just that I—“ There was hesitation in Jinki's voice. Taemin could feel it but he just waited for his brother to finish whatever he was trying to say.
“Amber and I—we... we're together. We are... we are dating.” Jinki confessed and Taemin, he froze. His jaw dropped. He was in awe.
“Stop joking—“
“I'm not joking. We've been dating for six months now.”
“What?” Taemin snorted and smirked. He couldn't believe everything that Jinki was saying.
“Were you just waiting for me to leave so you can finally steal her from me? Is that it, hyung? Unbelievable.” He rolled his eyes. He was now mad. Furious. If only Jinki was right in front of him, he had already punched his own brother by then.

“She never liked you, Taemin. And... and we've always liked each other. Sorry.” Jinki hung up.

Taemin snorted again. He started walking. Fast as if he was in a hurry. He didn't even care if he was pushing people off his way or bumping into them. But a guy, probably a couple of years older than him, didn't let his rude action pass that he started pushing Taemin's chest. Taemin did the same. He fought back. It wasn't like him but he just wanted to let his anger out. It wasn't just pushing anymore. The guy punched him in the face. He punched back. The guy cussed before he pushed Taemin really hard that Taemin fell on the middle of the road. He felt the cold concrete on his bare palms. He stood up and heard  an irritating beep. Then there was a blinding light. He tried to see what it was but he was too late.

He opened his eyes. They landed on the white ceiling. His head ached so he pressed his palm against the side of his head but he felt an odd texture over it. He had a patch on the left side of his head. He looked around. He was in a hospital room. He was sure of it. The room was so white and it felt so empty. It made him feel ill. He wanted to leave that room. He couldn't stay there any longer. He removed the white blanket over him and tried to move his legs. They wouldn't move. He couldn't feel them. He hit one leg, he didn't feel any pain. Then he hit the other, he just couldn't feel anything. He panicked. He covered his face with his palms and rubbed it. What's happening?

“Mom,” He started like a whisper.
“Mom! Mom! Dad!” He started shouting. He didn't stop until the door opened and his parents rushed beside him.
“I can't feel my legs, my feet! Why aren't they moving?!” He was really anxious, fear was eating him alive.
“Make them move, please. I wanna go home! I wanna go home!” Taemin was jumpy. His dad was holding his clenched fist stopping him from hitting the side of his bed. His mom was his back and telling him to calm down. Telling him that it would be okay. But it wasn't okay. He wasn't okay.
“We're going home, Taemin.”
“No! I want to go back to Korea. I want to see my real mom and dad. I want to see my brother. And Amber noona. I want to see them. I don't want to be with you! Mom! Dad! Jinki hyung!” He yelled out before a tear finally fell from his left eye and more followed. He had never cried since he was 6 when chubby Jinki fell off from a tree trying to get Taemin a ripe apple. Taemin shook him but he wasn't opening his eyes nor was he moving. Taemin started crying. He cried so hard calling out his brother's name telling him not to die and that he loved him so much and that he shouldn't leave him that soon. Jinki just embraced his crying brother letting him know he was alive. How Taemin wished Jinki was there to embrace and tranquilize him.

The doctor came in and injected something to him and immediately he stopped his panic attack and fell asleep.

After a couple of days, Taemin finally calmed down. He found out what had happened. He was involved in an accident. He got hit by a gray van that night. They thought he was okay, that he only had that small wound on the side of his head and a few bruises on his arms and legs. But when he woke up that day not feeling his legs, they did some more tests and found out that a nerve just under his hip, femoral nerve as how the doctor said it, was damaged but he didn't have to worry much about it because he could walk again. He just had to rest for a few months then go to physical therapy. That was it. They said he was lucky it wasn't that severe.

“Please, tell me, you didn't say anything about this to my family.” Taemin was sitting up on his hospital bed. His mom was preparing his things, putting his clothes in the bag. He was leaving the hospital later.
“They don't know anything. Don't worry.” Mrs Yoon answered without looking at him.

[September 2010]
Taemin was seating on the backseat of their car as he waited for his parents to open the door for him. They were in front of the rehabilitation center. He was nervous. He wasn't ready for it. He thought that he would never be ready for it. They helped him sit on his wheelchair. Soojung pushed it for him smiling at him. She had a really reassuring smile but it didn't help him feel okay. Everything was just making him feel so little and so weak. The halls seemed like they were becoming narrower and narrower as they strolled down it. It was suffocating him.

“I can't.” He shook his head. They were asking him to try and stand up but he refused. He was so scared of falling down and humiliating himself.

It wasn't his first time in that place. He had come there a couple of times before and each time, he would just do the same, he would just back out. He would always try to roll the wheels of his wheelchair with his hands so he could run away but he was just powerless when he was sitting on it. Everyone was just stronger than him. So if he couldn't escape, he would start shouting. He wouldn't stop unless he was out of that horrible place.

But it had been over 6 months since the accident and he needed to get cured. He was tired feeling weak and small and tiny. He was tired having no strength. He was tired of sitting around all day on his damn wheelchair. He missed walking.

“Can I have my phone, please?” He looked at his mom and so she looked into her hand bag and searched for Taemin's phone. She immediately handed it to him once she found it.

Taemin gulped before he pressed “Jinki hyung” in his contact list. He put his phone close to his right ear exhorting pressure on it. It was ringing, one, two.

“Taemin-ah.” Taemin heard Jinki's soothing voice. And he was right, it instantly made him feel so much better. His chest didn't feel heavy anymore. He could feel his heart beat slower.
“Hyung...” he murmured placing his free hand on his lap rubbing it as if he would start feeling again if he did that.
“I missed you.” He admitted. He had not called Jinki since that day, since the accident. He was just so angry at his brother and thought that he could do well without him. But months without hearing Jinki's voice became harder. One of the other reasons why he felt weaker was because Jinki wasn't around. He knew Jinki couldn't be there but there were ways to feel like he was just beside him. And one of those ways was pushing his pride to the side and calling him. So that's what he did.

“Me, too, Taem,” Jinki was whispering. Taemin could hear soft sobs.
“I missed you, too, little brother.”After hearing those words from Jinki, Taemin signaled the helper to hold his arms and help him up. He now felt a lot stronger and bigger and braver. He now felt like he could stand up again and that he could do it.
“Keep talking, hyung. Don't stop. I missed your voice.” He said closing his eyes as the two men readied beside him.

“Taemin, are you doing well there? Do you speak Japanese now? I'm entering the army next week. Ah, come and visit me sometimes, will you? You don't have to worry about me. I still eat a lot. And you? You're not skipping meals, right? Who am I kidding? Lee Taemin skipping meals is like saying a blasphemy. Take good care of your health. Send photos. And please, call me whenever you have a chance.” Jinki was crying. Taemin could tell. He was crying too. He was already up on his feet. He may not be moving but he was able to stand. He was finally able to make his first step forward thanks to his brother. He always found his strength within Jinki.

“I love you, Taemin.” Another series of tears ran down his already damped eyes.
“I love you too, Jinki hyung.”

///

Taemin didn't want to blame Jinki nor Amber for what happened to him. But his head kept telling him that it was their fault. He wouldn't have gone angry that night if they hadn't told him about their relationship. He couldn't understand why they had to break his heart when they could've just kept their relationship a secret since it didn't last anyway. And now he couldn't even dance. He stopped trying. He was afraid that his legs might not be able to take it. That they might break down and hurt. He couldn't let that happen. Years had passed by but sometimes he still felt like his legs were numb, sometimes he still felt like they were aching. Maybe it was just in his head but he just wanted to be sure. He wanted to secure his legs so he never tried doing anything dangerous. He just walked and jogged. But he never danced again. He wouldn't dance again even if it meant that Amber would lose interest in him. She never liked me anyway.

He was mad at them again—Jinki and Amber. Just when he thought things were getting better. The past just had to ruin everything. The past just had to take away his happiness. Jinki and Amber just had to spoil everything. He loathed them. He hated Jinki, but he hated Amber even more. Because Jinki was different. Jinki was his brother. He'd forever be his brother even if they weren't real brothers. But Amber. She was just a girl from the past. She was the girl who smashed his heart into tiny pieces. She pretended to like him.

He walked to the bus stop once he felt he could move his legs again. He just wanted to go home and prepare himself to go to Gyeonggi. At least he could be at ease there. His parents would surely make him feel better. Jinki wasn't coming with him anyway. He said he was busy. But Taemin knew it wasn't just that. There was something behind his avoidance of going home.

When he was nearing the bus stop, he saw Jinki and Jonghyun coming out of the music store so he halted, far enough for them not to notice him. He watched them as they talked to each other. Jinki had his biggest smile again. The most genuine. What was so special about Jonghyun that he could make Jinki smile so brightly? Then Taemin noticed something else—their hands. He saw Jinki taking Jonghyun's hands and interlocking it with his before he put it in his coat's pocket. He was sure  their hands were linked inside Jinki's pocket. And the distance between them as they started walking—there wasn't any distance. Their arms were practically attached to each other. Taemin, you're such an idiot. He told himself. He now understood why both Amber and Jinki couldn't tell him about Jinki's dating life.

The bus passed by him. He let it pass. He just sat on the bench at the bus stop and waited for the next. Or at least, let everything that he just saw sink in. Not that it bothered him. He just wasn't sure what to think or how to react to it.

Taemin arrived home and Jinki and Jonghyun were in the kitchen laughing their heart out about a song that Jonghyun just wrote. He didn't disturb them. He didn't bother say anything to his brother and just grabbed his backpack in his room and left as fast as he could without getting noticed. He just texted Jinki that he already left half an hour ago.

But Jinki did notice him coming in and walking out. Jinki frowned after reading his text. He thought they were already okay but Taemin still left without telling him. He knew something was wrong so he called Amber. She actually told him about her plan on taking Taemin with her in the dance studio that day so he assumed something happened.

Amber was crying. All she did was sob once she answered Jinki's call. It worried Jinki so he leaned against the counter top before he took Jonghyun's hand and squeezed it as he waited for Amber's explanation. Jonghyun just let him. He knew that was the only way to settle Jinki's thoughts, to put him at ease.

Amber breathed in and out very deeply before she started talking. She just told him the day started out great, that Taemin even called her by her name, a big novelty, a big improvement for her, for them. And she thought bringing Taemin to the dance studio would make him happy but obviously it didn't. She told Jinki about Taemin refusing to dance. She told him about Taemin running off. But she followed him out except that she lost sight of him. She didn't know where to look. She even went to the apartment earlier but he wasn't there. She didn't call Jinki immediately because she didn't want to bother him. Then she started crying again. Jinki squeezed Jonghyun's hand tighter. Just hearing Amber cry made him feel awful.

“It's his legs, oppa. I know it.” Amber said in between sobs.
“It's my fault. It's my fault.” She said in repeat like a broken record.
”No, Amber. It's not your fault. It's no one's fault. Believe me, okay?” Jinki said to stop her from crying. But the truth was, he was blaming himself too. They knew about it, about Taemin's accident, about his legs. Everything. His eyes were already teary.

After that phone call, he quickly contacted Taemin. Surprisingly, he answered.

“Taemin, where are you? Are you already at mom and dad's?” He asked trying so hard not to let Taemin know he was already in the midst of crying.
“No, I'm still on the bus. I'll just text you when I get there.” Taemin answered as if he didn't have any problem on his shoulders.
“Okay. Just take care.”
“I will. Bye.” Taemin hung up and Jinki wailed like a little child into Jonghyun's arms.

“Jinki, please, don't cry. Stop crying. You're hurting me.” Jonghyun whispered as he Jinki's back. Jonghyun could cry too. But he tried to be strong for the man he loved. He could take anything but not Jinki's weeping because it always broke his heart. It's the same as how Amber's tears broke Jinki's heart. Jonghyun had seen him cry too many times that each time it just became even more painful, even much harder to take in.

side eyeing myself because of all the jongyu. haha
this is my favorite. I don't know. I just enjoyed writing this chapter so much even if it's sad. It already said a lot of the story actually. and it's not just about the jongyu. the whole chapter. the taeber, krystal's feelings. everything.

comments and subscribe if you want hehe

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