She peeked around the corner, breathing out in relief when her mother wasn’t in the room. She turned back to give N the okay, dragging him across the room. She sent a quick, nervous glance towards the basement door before stopping a few feet away, kneeling down in front of a large chest. She started pulling all the miscellaneous things that had started to pile on it from disuse, smiling gratefully when N helped her. Opening the clasp, she pushed open the lid, coughing at the amount of dust that flew in her face.

“Are you sure these are clean?” he asked behind her, and her cheeks flushed.

“They were clean originally,” she defended lamely, bravely reaching in and pushing some of the clothes aside, noticing immediately at how big the clothes were. Now that she thought about it, most of her mother’s dolls were much older; she had been very surprised when she introduced Seok-jin as a doll and even more when she had offered to make N her doll. She rustled through the box a little more before pulling out a shirt that she recognized, holding it out in front of him. “How’s this one?”

He took it gingerly, holding it up by the sleeves in front of him, eyes squinting as he looked it over. “You should wear this shirt, I like it a lot.”

“It shouldn’t be too bad,” he murmured as he looked it over. “Flannel is good at staying warm.”

She smiled brilliantly at his approval. “If it doesn’t fit, Mommy can make it fit you. She’s very good at sewing.”

“I can imagine…”

She jumped back down as she searched through for a pair of pants, though this time having no idea what kind to give him. All the pants were the same, either brown or black, though they all seemed to be about the same size. “Here, I’ll find pants myself.” She scooted over when he knelt next to her, watching as he carefully looked through the chest, pausing on one pair and checking it over. “This should be good.”

“Do you like it?”

“Not really, but I don’t have a choice, do I?” He stood up with a sigh, his face anything but happy as his eyes roamed over the clothes. “Just have your mom wash this first, who knows how long it was sitting in that thing.” She nodded as she took the clothes back; placing them onto the table next to her mother’s sewing kit.

The next morning she was surprisingly awoken by a smiling N, who she found was wearing the hemmed shirt and pants they had picked out yesterday. Her mother must have done that for him last night. As N helped her get ready for school, he let her know that her mother had left that night, and had said that she wouldn’t be back for a few days. She could tell how happy the news made him, his smile never leaving his face and his mood the happiest she’d ever seen it, so she could never tell him how upset she was that she had never told her.

Before N came, her mother would never leave her alone for more than a day, always making sure to come back by night time. As much as her mother intimidated her, she could never live without her. She couldn’t help the sinking feeling in her chest at the thought that her mother was leaving her more and more, even if she N here to take care of her.

She forced a smile on her face when N took her to the kitchen, presenting her with a breakfast that he had made himself. Her face lit up at the sheer amount of food on the table; never before had she seen more than two dishes for breakfast. “You’ll be surprised,” N said lightly as he led her to her seat, handing her a pair of chopsticks. “I’m actually really good at cooking.”

“Really?” she took a bite of an egg and rice, her eyes widening when she realized that none of it was burnt. He laughed at her expression, sitting across from her with a smirk.

“Is it good?”

“It’s delicious.”

“That’s good.” He watched her eat for a few more seconds before he looked over to the hallway, his brows furrowing. "Kim Seok-jin! Hurry up and come eat breakfast!” She looked up in surprise to see the grumbling boy walk in, his hair lazily tousled and his clothes rumpled. Seok-jin slumped in the seat next to her and hungrily dug into the food, not greeting either of them as he ate. N tsked disapprovingly.

“You should at least say good morning.”

“Why would I?”

“It’s polite. Or at least say hi to Saet-byul.” Seok-jin paused at that, glancing at her silently before muttering out a quick hello. She nodded back to him, still in a daze, though he didn’t see it as he had already gone back to eating. “Don’t mind him, he has no manners.”

“Oh please, you’re one to talk,” Seok-jin bit back, and while they both sounded so angry and were glaring so fiercely, she could only blink in confusion when they just fell into fits of laughter. She didn’t understand any of this, what was going on? They were both acting so strangely; she had never seen N this happy and carefree, nor had she seen such a smile on Seok-jin’s face. N seemed to finally notice how confused she was, as the smile slipped away from his face and he coughed uncomfortably.

“Your mother allowed Seok-jin to come up while she’s gone. He can stay with us the whole time.”

“But…why are you so happy?” She hadn’t meant for that to come out so harshly, intimidated by the harsh glare Seok-jin sent her.

“We’re not even allowed to laugh in this hole?”

“N-n-no,” she stuttered, leaning away as she tried to hide behind her hair, “I didn’t mean that…”

“What did you mean?” N asked kindly.

“I’ve never seen you so happy…you’re always angry or sad. And…I’ve never heard Seok-jin laugh before.” They both paused before Seok-jin awkwardly went back to eating, N staring at her silently before sighing softly.

“It’s not like that,” he said simply, heaping extra rice into her bowl. She waited for him to say more but he stayed silent, and soon their laughter seemed like a distant memory. She glanced at the two of them, seeing how stern their faces were, and felt her stomach twist uncomfortably. She…liked that kind of smile on N’s face. She liked everything about it.

She wanted to see it again.

Seok-jin was still in a foul mood when the two of them had to leave for school; she had tried briefly to plead N to letting her stay home now that her mother was gone, though that didn’t last when Seok-jin sent her the angriest glare he could muster. She scurried to N’s side outside, and Seok-jin slammed the door shut before she had to chance to run back inside. N sighed as he cupped her head and leaned it against his side, leading her towards the bus stop. “Don’t mind him, he’s just cranky.”

She didn’t pull away from his touch, breathing in his scent, as she frowned sadly. “I didn’t mean to upset him.”

“It’s not your fault,” he said distractingly, and she could tell by the clipped tone that he was only saying that to make her feel better. Neither said anything the entire way to the bus stop, and she followed silently as they boarded the bus. It wasn’t until N had gotten them both a seat on the bus that he finally spoke again.

“Hey...stop frowning. Your face will get stuck like that.” She wrinkled her brown in confusion, not understanding what he meant, so he just smiled as he reached out and pulled the corners of upward. “Smile a little.” She pulled away, her chest still tight and uncomfortable from this morning and he sighed tiredly. “I told you it’s not your fault. Seok-jin just has a short temper.”

“N…why did Mommy leave?”

She could see his face freeze as he had to back track from their previous conversation, taking a couple seconds before answering. “She didn’t tell me anything specific. She just said that something important came up and she had to go. She said since it was last minute she’d bring Seok-jin up.”

That…didn’t make her feel any better. “Why didn’t she tell me?”

“Don’t worry so much about that,” he said, and she knew that meant he didn’t know either. “I thought you of all people would know how strange your mother is when it comes to you.” Oh, she knew, but if anything, the only thing her mother consistently did was never leave her alone for long. That was the reason she was so hurt and lost right now. “She sounded like it was important, so I’m sure she would have told you if she had time. She’ll probably explain herself when she comes back.”

“Do…you think?”

“I’m sure.”

--

The boy that sat next to her smiled at her as N finally peeled her off of his side, the boy being the only one N felt comfortable leaving her with. While most of her was on overdrive at N trying to leave her, a small part of her felt warmed by the fact that he was so protective of her. N gave her a quick hug, promising to be back over as soon as classes are done, and left as soon as he came. She stared dejectedly in the direction he left, only looking away when the boy tapped on her arm.

“Would you like to go in now?” She reluctantly nodded her head and followed him in, ever so thankful that she and N always came in early. The two of them headed to the back of the room, sitting down together. He gave her another smile. “Did you finish the homework?” Knowing this as routine at this point, she pulled out her workbook and handed it to him and letting him look it over. “You’re doing really well, you’re very smart.”

She never did tell him that N always did it with her, so of course it would be correct.

He tried speaking with her for a little longer before she noticed how his cheeks reddened and his body pulled in on itself, and she stared at him confusedly at his sudden change. She turned to the door to see if anyone else came in, but frowned when she saw the door still closed. She waited a couple more minutes before he finally caved, stuttering out, “C-can you speak?” She paused, surprised, and he took her lack of response as a no. “I-I didn’t mean it like that! I was just wondering because you never speak. I just didn’t want you getting bullied by Su-mi and the others and-”

“I can speak,” she said in the quietest voice, both wanting to reassure him and wishing vehemently that he didn’t hear her.

He did, however, and he paused to marvel her, something that was making her increasingly uncomfortable. “Why don’t you speak more?” She just shook her head, already kicking herself for saying anything, and he seemed to understand. “Sorry, I won’t ask you to speak again.” She sent him a grateful look that he finally reciprocated, and the two of them eventually fell back to their casual, yet reserved, relationship.

When classes were done, the boy quickly packed his bag with a quick sorry to her that he wouldn’t be able to wait for N with her. While at first she hadn’t asked for the other boy to sit and wait with her, he told her that he at least wanted to see that she headed home safely. She was still confused with why the boy treated her so kindly, but at this point she almost expected it, so it hurt when he said he couldn’t wait for her.

“Sorry,” he said breathily, stopping to smile at her. “I have to meet my mom for an appointment today, I have to go.” She nodded dejectedly and he laughed. “Hey, I know you don’t like talking, but could you at least try saying my name? It’s Sanghyuk, though you could just call me Hyuk.” She watched his face, how eager he was as he waited for her answer, and for the first time in a long time, she willingly opened to a stranger.

“…H-Hyuk…” His face lit up so brightly that she found herself chuckling, and she found herself waving back as he excitedly waved at her as he left. He was happy and cheerful, so different from the cold and deadened place that was her home. She liked it.

She wasn’t able to revel in the happy feeling Hyuk left her, a hand slamming on her desk and forcing her to look up. “So, you can talk.”

She blinked up at the tall girl hovering over her desk, and just as she was confused at why the boy was so sweet with her, she was confused as to why this girl hated her so much. The girl was holding her broom, something the boy had explained as students’ duties to clean the classroom, and used it to prod her painfully in the arm. “So you were purposefully ignoring us then? Think you’re all that do you?” She winced when the broom poked her hard in the side, urging her to move her bag, and N’s doll, to safety.

“What’s in that bag, huh? You’re always hiding it.” The girl made a reach to grab it and she shrieked, knocking her chair back as she jumped away. The girl’s eyes narrowed, her grip on the broom tightening, though she wasn’t able to do anything when a teacher came back in the room, his eyes lingering on her hugging her bag.

“What are you doing Han Su-mi?” the teacher asked casually, and she could see the girl flinch. “Aren’t you on cleaning duty today?”

“Yes teacher,” she said tartly, her eyes staring straight at her as she grudgingly returned to sweeping the floor.

“Yoon Saet-byul?” She flinched at the sound of her name to see the teacher smiling at her, motioning her over. She hesitated, not keen with moving away. “Here, you can wait for you friend in the-” She stopped him with a firm shake of her head, ignoring his confused look. N told her to wait here, he would pick her up here; she was not about to leave this place. Even if that meant she had to stay with the mean girl who didn’t like her.

The teacher didn’t look happy to leave her alone, though eventually he did leave, and that was when the other girl attacked. She stalked right up to her, grabbing her arm viciously and yanking her close, her hot breath on her face. “You…you have no idea-”

“Saet-byul?”

That voice. Her head snapped to the doorway to see her beautiful N standing there, concern on his face when he saw the other girl holding her tight. She smiled brightly as she tried to quickly push the other girl away, whimpering when the other girl refused to let go. N was over by her side in seconds, snatching the girl’s wrist and yanking her away, his expression furious. She took that as her cue to run away, running to the safety that was his back.

“What do you think you’re doing?” he asked dangerously, his voice having an edge that she’d never heard before. The girl’s face contorted as she started to shout, though strangely the moment she saw N’s face she stopped. She watched the girl’s face redden, and she wondered if the girl was that startled by how scary he was.

“I-I-”

“Don’t touch her.” He held the girl fast until she finally nodded in agreement, and only then did he shove her away. He turned back to her and only then did his expression soften, reaching out and gently taking her hand in his. “Come on, let’s go home.” She nodded, liking the feeling of his warm hand holding hers, and followed him out, not looking back once at the girl left behind.

“Are you okay?” he asked once they were a ways away from the school, looking down at her with concern. For the second time that day her heart warmed at the sound of worry in his voice, and she nodded happily. Her answer didn’t seem to appease him much, a slight frown still on his lips and his brows furrowed. “What did you do that made her grab you like that?”

That wiped the smile from her face, ripping her hand out of his. “What makes you think it was my fault?”

“I didn’t say it was your fault-”

“But you ask what I did to make her angry.”

“It’s not like that. Usually girls don’t hurt others for nothing. There’s usually a reason why they would bully you.”

She didn’t know what the word ‘bully’ meant, but she still didn’t like how he was pretty much accusing her of making the girl hurt her. She didn’t like that at all. She felt something bubble in the pit of her stomach, growing slowly every second he stared at her as if she was wrong. Why didn’t N believe her? She hadn’t done a single thing wrong.

“Saet-byul, I-”

“No!” she screamed, in one smooth movement swinging her bag to her front and whipping his doll out, ignoring his look of surprise as she used her fist to pound its stomach. N gagged as he bent violently at the waist, his arms wrapped protectively around his stomach. But that wouldn’t help him; she pounded furiously all over his body until she was satisfied –until he was a withering ball on the ground. She panted heavily, having used so much of her strength, and it was only as she calmed that she noticed how much pain she had inflicted on her doll.

She gasped when she saw how much pain he was in, shivering and trembling as he was unable to move from his fetal position.

“N!” She threw down everything as she ran to his side, cradling his head in her arms and holding him close to her chest. “I’m so sorry, N. I’m so sorry.” His whole body continued to shake for a long time, his eyes closed tight and small whimpers leaving his lips. “I’m so sorry.” She leaned down and showered his sweat covered forehead with kisses, tenderly running her hands through his hair.

They stayed that way for over half an hour, her never stopping his head and him fighting every urge to just die there. Eventually, the pain in his body subsided enough that he fell asleep in her arms, and he would never know how just the sound of his subtle breathing was enough to calm her. She shifted ever so slightly so that her back leaned against the brick wall lining the sidewalk, moving his head so that it rested comfortably on her lap.

She tried to ignore the few people who would glance their way as they passed by, wishing she could shoo them all away when they stepped over N’s body. Using her foot, she pulled her bag and doll to her side, making sure to keep them away from anybody that walked by.

After what seemed like forever, and with the sun just beginning to set, N’s eyes finally blinked open. He tried to roll out of her arms, though she held on tight to his head, stopping him. “Saet-byul…” he moaned, and she just wrapped her arms tighter around his head.

“I’m sorry N. I’m so sorry. I was so angry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” She leaned back over before he had a chance to say anything, burrowing her face into his neck. “I’m sorry.” He didn’t say anything, the only thing letting her know he was okay being the soft sound of him breathing. “Are you okay?”

“It doesn’t matter,” he said with a defeated sigh, “the pain disappears after a while.”

“But-”

“It doesn’t matter,” he repeated, louder, and she quickly shut . This time he forced himself out of her grasp, wobbling to his feet. “We need to hurry up and catch the bus. I don’t even know if the bus goes back at this time.” She guiltily stood up with him, slinging her bag over her shoulder and cradling the doll in her arms. His gaze lingered on the doll briefly before turning on his heel and continuing to walk, not looking back at her once.

She knew he was angry at her, and this time he had every right to be. She didn’t know why she had gotten so angry earlier, it definitely hadn’t warranted her using his doll. She just…she looked down and the doll’s crude smile, rubbing the stitching. She just hadn’t liked N siding with that girl, assuming she was wrong. She didn’t like it when he wasn’t smiling and loving her.

But now N wouldn’t even look at her.

She didn’t like it.

Luckily for them, N was able to catch the last bus heading home, breathlessly climbing abroad. The bus was a lot emptier than what it normally was, multiple seats opened, and the only reasoning she could think of was that it was late. When N came across two open seats, she started to move in to sit first, though she froze when he sat down first, taking the window seat. After he sat, he looked up at her with a sharp eye expectantly and she fought the urge to cry. Why was he being so mean?

Someone brushed passed her and she yelped, hurriedly flying into the chair next to him, shivering at the contact. She turned to N, hoping he would lend her a comforting hand, though he was only looking out the window, his body turned away from her.

It hurt so much.

Seok-jin was worried when they came back, yelling at the two of them as if it was their fault that he was worried. He stopped though when he saw how upset N was, and after the two of them whispered together, Seok-jin would send her angry glares when he thought she wasn’t looking.

Dinner was uncomfortable; N and Seok-jin ate together on one side of the table while they placed her plate of food on the other end. They spoke in low whispers to each other, leaving her alone. They finished quickly, but didn’t wait to see if she was done or not when they got up and went to wash their dishes.

She sat alone with her half touched food at the empty table, her heart in the pit of her stomach and tears b at the edge of her eyes. This was all her fault; of course she must have done something to make that other girl upset. N would never have sided with the other girl unless what she had done had actually been bad. It only made her feel worse in that she had unfairly punished N. She silently jumped down from her chair and ran to her room, peeking inside to see the two of them sitting together, playing and smiling.

Dejectedly, she headed back to her seat at the table, pulling the doll out and letting it sit against her small cup. She bravely put up a trembling smile, the doll’s face with a finger. She moved her food to the side and pulled out her homework, too afraid to ask N to help her with it. She struggled with it, though she felt that in the end she hadn’t done too bad. N would have been so proud of her. She looked over to the doll to see it smiling at her, and she took that as enough praise.

By that time, it was late and she was tired, so she went to her room to get ready for bed. Maybe now N will have calmed down and she can say sorry again, and then everything would be okay as they laid down for bed. She peeked around the corner of her doorway and felt her heart drop at seeing the two boys sleeping together, N’s warm arms wrapped around Seok-jin.

Why wasn’t he hugging her?

Running back into the kitchen, she let her mind go on autopilot as she wrapped her food away for tomorrow, washing down all the tables and chairs. She washed her face and changed for bed, grabbing N’s doll and running into her mother’s bedroom. She normally would never enter this room for anything, but tonight more than anything she missed her mother.

That night, instead of having N’s warm arms hugging her, she had her arms hugging the doll.

--

She didn’t want to see N in the morning. She hadn’t slept well last night, cold and alone in her mother’s room with nothing but a small doll to hold. Not only that, but he was probably still mad at her and she didn’t think she could last if he continued to glare at her. She crept over to her room to see the two of them still asleep, though now Seok-jin was sprawled out over the floor and N asleep on the bed. She would have left them like that if it wasn’t for the troubled look on N’s face, his fingers twitching as he slept.

Filled with resolve, she tiptoed over Seok-jin’s body as she carefully climbed onto the side of the bed, leaning her face inches from his own. With the softest movements, she placed her lips on his forehead, smoothing out all of the creases in his skin. Holding the doll next to , she whispered lovingly, “Sleep well.” Almost instantly the wrinkles in his face vanished as his slightly labored breathing softened to a small snore. Just like how her mother did to her, she reached over and pulled the blanket over and tucked it under his chin.

While every part of her screamed no, and while she wanted nothing more than to curl back in bed and hide, she dressed herself for school. There was no way she could get N to come with her now, now that she had forced him into a deeper sleep. But she wanted to show that she could be a good girl; that she could go to school on her own and do well on her own. Maybe when he sees how good she was, and how sorry she was, he would forgive her. She just wanted to be forgiven.

Following the route N had always taken, she headed to the bus stop, swallowing all the fears and sobs that threatened to show themselves the moment she saw other people. One woman saw her and smiled, and she felt her whole body shake when she came over.

“Hello,” she said with a smile. “It’s just you today?” She sent her a confused look and the woman motioned behind her. “You’re not with your brother today?” She hesitated briefly before shaking her head. “Do you know how to get to where you’re going?” While she didn’t want to admit it, she eventually shook her head. The woman looked at her with a mix of pity and concern, looking around to see if the bus had come yet.

“Which school do you go to?”

Following what N had told her to do the first day, she pulled her wallet out of her bag and showed the woman the card. Her eyes widened in surprise, handing it back to her. “You go to school in Seoul?” She nodded and the woman just shook her head. “I have to go to Seoul to work, we can ride together and I can show you how to get to school.” She didn’t want to, she didn’t want to follow this strange woman, and she definitely didn’t want to leave home. But she needed to, she needed to in order for N to forgive her. So in the end she agreed to the woman’s offer, jumping and barely holding back a shriek when the woman reached out and held her hand.

Her hand was cold.

The woman let her sit on the inside seat by the window. “That’s an interesting doll. Did you brother give it to you?” Her initial reaction was to quickly press herself against the window, hiding her precious doll from this woman’s lecherous eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to surprise you. I was just curious; that’s not a normal doll.”

“It’s mine,” she murmured quietly, and the woman looked shocked that she spoke. She didn’t like speaking with others, and she would never do it again. But she would not let this woman ask about this doll again. She didn’t care that the woman looked hurt or not, and the two of them sat in silence together for the entire rest of the ride.

When they got off the bus, she grudgingly stuck to the woman’s side, not about to admit how she needed the other’s help to get anywhere. “Sweetheart,” the woman said softly, lifting her arm up slightly to see her face pressed into her side, “could you hand me your card again? I need to check before we head over.” She didn’t like this woman calling her names; she didn’t like anything about it. But the woman hadn’t lied about bringing her to Seoul; she recognized this area and knew she was taking her the right way. So even though she hated it, she handed the woman her wallet again.

“Yoon Saet-byul?” Both she and the woman stopped at the new voice, and she whirled around to see the boy that sat next to her standing a ways away. She blinked at the sight, wondering how in this gigantic city she managed to run into him all the way out here. He glanced between the two of them before jogging up to her, plastering a wide smile on his face. “You’re really early today, aren’t you?”

“Do you know this boy, sweetheart?” The boy looked her up and down, frowning.

“Is this your mom?”

She opened to answer but the woman beat her to it, shaking her head as she handed her back her wallet. “Oh no, I was only helping her get to school. Honey, is this boy a friend of yours?” They both stared at her and she felt pressured, wanting to shake her head but only ending up nodding. A wide smile broke out on the boy’s face.

“Thank you for helping,” the boy said quickly as he grabbed her hand and pulled her away, not wasting any time from getting away. “You should be careful,” he said when the woman was out of earshot. “You shouldn’t trust everyone, especially when coming to a big place like Seoul. It’s dangerous.” But she wasn’t really listening to what he was saying.

She could only think about how his hand was warm.

“Are you listening Saet-byul ssi? This is important!” She blinked when he stopped walking, his hand still holding hers as he stared at her in worry. “You really can’t just go around with anybody, that lady could have taken you anywhere!”

“I’m sorry,” she said softly, her eyes downcast, and she could see his mouth immediately snap shut, his fingers hovering over his lips.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to shout at you like that. I was just worried.” She still wouldn’t look him in the eye and she heard him sigh. “Saet-byul ssi, please don’t think I’m angry at you….here, do you have a phone? I could give you my phone number and we can meet at the bus stop. How’s that?” When she only stared at him, he stuck a hand in his pocket and pulled out a small rectangle and showed something that definitely did not look like a phone. “This is a phone. Do you have one?”

He pressed a button and the whole front lit up with a picture of a girl on it, and his whole face turned red as he quickly pulled it back. She watched him frantically push a few buttons before he dared show it to her again, this time with a bunch of numbers that resembled the phone she had at home. When she touched it curiously, it made a noise and she pulled back quickly. “You…you don’t have one?” She shook her head and he pursed his lips. “What time do you arrive here? I could meet you.”

“…why?”

He paused at her voice again, though this time it took him less time to recover. “I want to make sure you get around here okay. I can tell you’ve never been to Seoul before, and I don’t want you to get lost.”

“…but…N comes with me….”

“Do you mean your brother? Ah, that’s right, he usually brings you, doesn’t he? But where is he? Did he send you here alone?” She fiddled with her bag strap, unwilling to answer why N didn’t come with her today. He seemed to realize he was prying, stopping any talk as he just gave her a wide smile and took her hand again. “I guess it doesn’t matter. Why don’t we just go to class, hmm?”

She shyly smiled as he slipped his warm hand back into hers, letting him take her away.