EMOTIONAL BODYGUARD

The realisation hit me like a ton of bricks. 

Not that it really should've been all that surprising. 

And I guess that, in a way, it really wasn't. 

Like, I'm sure that at least part of me knew that it was going to happen and that was why I wasn't lying on the cold, hard ground a la Taylor Swift. Besides, I was pretty sure that my life either already was basically a Taylor Swift song or was going to become one anyway, so that wasn't too much of a big deal. 

But that didn't mean that I wasn't about to possibly have a heart attack in the middle of the damn pizzeria. 

Kyungsoo and Public Enemy Number One got their pizza and left, still giggling the entire time. Neither of them bothered to turn their head away from their conversation long enough to see that Jongin and I were both awkwardly standing in the corner of the restaurant (we were trying not to draw any attention to ourselves because we weren't sure how that conversation would play out and we weren't willing to find out) hoping that they wouldn't see us. 

Jongin and I then got our pizza and walked back to the bookstore in almost complete silence, the only words coming when I nearly tripped over a stray branch and even then it was only him laughing at me. Just because Jongin's body went through puberty, it didn't mean that his personality did. 

Much to our surprise, Chorong was sitting with Sehun when the two of us got back, and both of them were shouting at his computer screen. 

"I could sense that there was going to pizza here," she announced when she saw Jongin and I walk in, rubbing her severely pregnant stomach. "I could also hear Sehun ing about his stupid team from across campus. I just had to come over here and rub it in," she ruffled Sehun's hair affectionately as he swatted her away. 

"You're lucky that you're pregnant Noona or else I would fight you," he grumbled, trying to fix his own blonde locks. 

"Yeah, you're right, because two against one wouldn't be a fair fight," Chorong stuck her tongue out at him playfully before finally seeing the absolutely distraught look on my face. I really hadn't meant to look so upset; I was just never good at hiding how I was feeling. That was why I blushed at just about everything that people said to me. I live in a state of permanent embarrassment. "What the hell happened to you?" 

I wasn't sure if I was going to start crying or if I was going to throw up. Either way, all I knew was that I sure as hell didn't want to eat that pizza anymore. Good thing I knew that it wasn't going to go to waste because Chorong and Sehun would definitely eat it for me. 

"I have to tell you something," I whispered to her, nervously fiddling with a clump of my hair while once again trying not to draw any attention to myself, which was conceited in its own way because I lived my life as a wallflower. 

"I'm pretty sure that the last time you started a conversation like this was when you told me that you wanted to lose your ity to Kyungsoo," she whispered back. I couldn't even remember if she was right about that, but it sounded like something that I would do. Or something that Old Avery would do, because Old Avery would never break up with anyone. New Avery would and would then only start feeling remorseful about it nearly two weeks later. 

I rolled my eyes. "I swear that this isn't about that," I assured her. 

"Damn. That would've been interesting." Friends.  

"But it is about Kyungsoo," I continued. At least now I had her attention. "I ... I think that I maybe have made a mistake." 

Chorong raised one of her meticulously groomed eyebrows at me. "Avery, you know that I love you, but you're going to have to be more specific than that." I should've been offended by her statement, but, like, I did make a lot of mistakes. In fact, my initial meeting with Kyungsoo was a mistake in the first place. Me ever dating Kyungsoo was a mistake, too. Really, just about anything involving me and Kyungsoo had been a mistake on my end. I guess it made sense that the tradition was being continued. 

"I don't think that I should've broken up with him," I nervously rushed out. Why was I even nervous? It wasn't like I'd done anything wrong. Well, I mean, not like, in the legal sense or anything. It's wrong to possibly emotionally damage someone as well. "I think that I may have been infected with Beyoncé's Soul Power and got too lost in the moment." 

Chorong raised her other eyebrow as well. It was perfect symmetry. "What?" 

"I know, right?" I nodded solemnly. I knew that she would understand. "I thought that I was going to be okay with all of this because things were running so smoothly - and I'm not even exaggerating about this - but as of, like, twenty minutes ago, I am now thoroughly convinced that I've royally messed up and I really don't know what to do." 

"No, I mean what the is 'Beyoncé Soul Power?" Oh. I guess that that would've made sense as well. 

"It's when you listen to a lot of The Queen and you are suddenly overcome with a false sense of power," I explained. I was surprised that she'd never heard of that before. Maybe it was because Chorong was already confident in the first place and didn't need the power of Beyoncé to voice her opinion. "I'm pretty sure that's what happened to me." 

"No." Okay, fine, Chorong. Although this should've been expected because I was the one that had gone to her in my time of need. "That's stupid. Don't blame your mistake on Kim Taeyeon. I mean, if it was even a mistake in the first place. You seemed like you were making a pretty conscious decision when you broke up with him." 

Uh, Chorong? I hadn't made a fully conscious decision in my entire life. Most of the decisions that I made were fueled by anxiety and absolute terror. 

"And while I will admit that I was slightly concerned that you might be a serial killer because your lack of emotion after you told me that you'd broken up with the guy that you were supposed to be 'madly in love with' and I'm thankful that you're showing some sort of feeling now before I was afraid that you might actually be a sociopath, I feel like you are just going through the normal regret phase that happens after you break up with someone. You'll get over it soon," Chorong said, clapping me once on my shoulder.

I reached up and grabbed her hand, keeping it pressed against my arm. Chorong cringed. She hates physical contact, which is funny because she's having a baby. "No, Chorong, I don't think that I'm going to get over this one." I let my voice drop low again. "I'm in love with him," I whispered. 

My friend squirmed out of my grips. It wasn't very hard for her to do. "Wait, where is this all coming from? And not that I want to be even more involved in your relationship with Kyungsoo than I already am, but what's stopping you from going and telling him this now?" 

"Telling him what? That I'm still in love with him?" 

"Yes. Why can't you just go and tell him that you regret your decision and that you want to get back together with him?" She asked me. 

Hold on, did she think that it was a good idea for the two of us to get back together? Because we still didn't know if he'd actually cheated on me or not, and that was something that I really wanted to be aware of before I went and re-attempted a chance at a relationship with him. Do you remember how much drama I had to go through to even date Kyungsoo in the first place? Squash, what was it going to take to get him back now? This could be a disaster. 

I mean, if I even decided that I wanted him back. I'm pretty sure that you can be in love with someone but not actually want to date them. Maybe. I don't know; I feel like I've read it in a book before. 

"I'm not saying that I want to get back together with him." I felt like I was being hypocritical, but I knew that Chorong would call me out on that later. "I'm just saying that I think that I love him a lot more than I thought that I did. And that it maybe was a bad idea for the two of us to break up." 

"Avery, you're not making any sense," Chorong pointed out. Good. I was waiting for her to do that. Maybe then I would stop rambling. "And, again, why don't you just go and tell him this?" 

"Because I think that he has a new girlfriend!" I hissed. Damn it, Public Enemy Number One. 

"I don't think that Kyungsoo has a new girlfriend," Chorong told me. 

I shook my head. "I think that he does. Or maybe they're not dating, but they definitely have something going on between the two of them. Jongin and I saw them canoodling at the pizza place a few minutes ago when we were getting the food," I dropped my voice low again. Maybe I should stop saying things like 'drop it low' when trying to have a serious discussion about the future of my love life. But I also wasn't too concerned about my grammar at this point since my heart was on the line. 

"Ohhhh," my best friend rolled her shoulders back and gave me a soft smile. "It's one of those things." 

I did not understand what she was talking about, but I didn't want to bring up how I'd never been in this position because my longest relationship ended when the boy admitted that we were both batting for the same team and then he went to go off and date this other boy that I had a crush on and that I didn't even know was gay. 

But, still, I had to ask her what was going on because this was my life that we were talking about. "It's one of what things?" 

"You're just jealous," she shrugged. 

Yes. I was. 

But that wasn't the point. 

"So?" Avery, your argument was already. 

"So, you'll figure out your true feelings when you're not jealous of some girl that Kyungsoo probably isn't even dating. It's a natural response; you'll always hate the girl that the guy dates right after you. Just give it time. Kyungsoo was a to you," Chorong said as she made her way back over to the pizza. 

"If he was a to me, then why do I still care about him?" I whined, completely forgetting to drop it low again. 

Although it really wasn't that big of a deal because Sehun would find out eventually and Jongin already seemed to know everything on his own (except whether or not my boyfriend cheated on me) (I mean, my ex-boyfriend), so really it was just like I was saving time in the future. Except Sehun was already re-absorbed into his show and he generally didn't care too much about the dramatic a