COLOURING PENCILS 

Even though I'd never broken up with anyone before and I was convinced for the longest time that Kyungsoo was the love of my life, I stopped crying shortly after he'd walked away and I didn't start crying again. Like, not only did I not cry, but I didn't really even want to. 

Instead, I walked back to my apartment. Then I took a shower (because I hadn't in a while) and I didn't even cry while I was in there. I put on a change of clothes, brushed my hair, and then stared at my wall for a few minutes because I wasn't sure where I was supposed to take this from here. 

I'd never broken up with anyone before. I was used to getting dumped and then sobbing uncontrollably for about three weeks afterwards. This was uncharted territory for me. I was growing up. 

So I decided that I would go and tell Chorong in person that I had broken up with Kyungsoo. 

"You, WHAT?!" She screeched after I'd told her. 

I nodded. I'd met her in the library, which was where she worked only when they emailed her every two months saying that she hadn't been there in two months and that she needed to put four hours in before they removed her from the payroll. Meeting in the library probably wasn't the smartest idea that I'd ever had, but it was pretty late in the day and it's not like the Hanyang library is pretentiously quiet. Like, a lot of the kids here party a lot more than you'd think that they would. It was kind of disappointing, in a way, but it was also good that they had social lives and plus it meant that they wouldn't be there to shush Chorong when she gasped in shock. 

"You and Kyungsoo broke up?" she asked me for clarification purposes. 

I nodded again. "Yeah. I just broke up with him while we were eating ice cream," I told her and I didn't even start crying in the middle of the sentence. Maybe Kyungsoo wasn't the love of my life if I wasn't sobbing hysterically like I had been for about seven seconds when we were still in the street. 

Chorong's eyes had bugged out of her head. That couldn't have been healthy for someone that was as pregnant as she was. "You broke up with him?" she gawked. 

I nodded. It was becoming kind of redundant and I had too much hair to be moving my head around like that, but even though I'd channeled my inner Goddess it didn't mean that I was able to break all of my other terrible habits. "Yep," I said, popping the 'p' at the end. 

Chorong looked like she was going to have a . Or she was just really confused. I was hoping that it was the latter because I had waited too long to save her completely if she was actually having a and I didn't want for her or the baby to have brain damage. "Why?" she asked me. That was good. If she was speaking clearly then it meant that she wasn't having a . We'd definitely dodged a bullet in that one. 

"Because I thought that he was cheating on me," I said simply. Because, well, it was true. 

Chorong made a face, thinking it over. Was she going to punch me in the throat out of fury because I'd messed up? But then she nodded. "That's actually a very valid reason to break up with someone," she stated. I hoped she knew that I already knew that. "Did he actually say that he was cheating on you?" 

I thought that that would definitely be a trigger for the tears to start flowing freely, but it wasn't. 

Maybe I was the one that was having a . Or maybe I'd had a earlier and that was why my personality had changed. "I kept asking him and he kept dodging the bullet and then I decided that if you even have to ask yourself if the person that you're supposed to love is cheating on you, then it's probably not love and it's probably not worth your time," I shrugged. 

"That's ... that's smart." Why did she sound so surprised that I was capable of making wise decisions? She looked up at me. "And ... you're okay with this?" 

I nodded. Yep, I was just asking to fracture my neck. "Yeah? I think so? Like, I didn't really expect for me to because I was crying really hard when this happened, but I feel really okay right now. Maybe it's just adrenaline and I'll cry later." That's what I was counting on happening. I just had to give it time to sink in. "In fact, give me about five minutes. I'm sure that I'll be absolutely hysterical by then," I said, almost completely sure of myself. 

***

EXCEPT IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. 

I didn't cry about Kyungsoo. 

I mean, like, I was really sad and I missed him because he was one of my best friends (and we all know how many friends I had) but I never shed a tear over him. I didn't cry that night, I didn't cry the next day, I cried a few days later but that was because I'd watched a video of baby seals cuddling a photographer and that was too adorable for words, but it wasn't because of Kyungsoo, then I didn't cry for a solid week and a half. 

People would stop and ask me if I was okay with what had happened or they'd ask why we broke up (which was kind of rude, but, I mean, I always took more offence when they asked me why Kyungsoo and I were together in the first place. Like, I wasn't that hideous of a person) and I'd just say that we weren't working out and that it was better for the both of us if we each just went our separate ways. 

I was even nice enough to say that it was a mutual decision, even though it wasn't and I'd broken up with him. I didn't want our relationship to end on bad terms. Even though it kind of had. I guess that it was more of how I didn't want the after-effects of our relationship to permanently be on bad terms. I didn't want for him or any of his friends to hate me.

And it was weird because I even saw Kyungsoo around campus. 

At first, I was kind of conceited and thought that he was there to apologise to me, but then I remembered that he had a lot more friends than I did and that he hung out at Hanyang even before we knew each other and had to put my ego aside. But even when I saw him, I didn't start to cry or run and hide. I mean, I didn't go and say hi to him or anything either, but I didn't go out of my way to avoid him. 

"I can't believe that you and Kyungsoo hyung broke up," Sehun was probably in the most disbelief out of anyone that I knew. "Totally came out of nowhere. I was not expecting that." 

"I don't really think that either of us were. But it happened and we didn't try to fight it, so I guess that that's just the way that life is." I sounded so profound. And I wasn't even sure why because I'm sure that there was still a small part of me that was still freaking out. 

"And I can't believe that you're so okay with this," Sehun carried on, running his hands through his hair. 

I kind of wanted to be offended by how everyone thought that I would be emotionally distraught if Kyungsoo and I ever broke up, but, then again, I'd always thought that I'd be emotionally distraught if Kyungsoo and I ever broke up. I'm just a very emotional person. It's not a bad thing. I help stimulate the economy by many boxes of tissues I go through while watching a romance movie. 

"How are you okay with this?" Sehun asked me. As usual, no one was in the store and neither of us were even attempting to do anything professional. Sehun was live-streaming some sporting event and I was colouring in a picture of an giraffe that I'd printed off of the internet. It was a miracle that our boss didn't care about us or else we both would've been fired ages ago. "I'm not okay with this!" Sehun was nearing hysterics. "I think that I'm about to cry!" 

"It's not a big deal," I reassured him. "I promise. Kyungsoo and I just weren't meant to be." 

"You may think that the two of you weren't meant to be, but I think that you are," Sehun glared at me before focusing his attention back to whatever it was that he was watching. "You're breakin' my heart, Noona. You and Soo hyung both. I tell you, everything's just gone up in the air since Minah didn't invite me to her party." 

He did have a point with that one. Everything had gotten pretty weird since Minah had invited me to that stupid party that I didn't even want to go to in the first place. I wonder what could've happened if I hadn't gone. Would Kyungsoo and I still be together? Would I have gotten some actual clarification when it came to if he had cheated on me or not? 

"Sehunnie, you're going to have to let the party go," I told him even though I was almost convinced that he was no longer paying any attention to me. 

"I'm never going to be able to let the party go," he looked me square in the eye and shook his head before focusing in on the soccer game that he was watching. 

Since I didn't have any interest in Sehun's computer screen, I went back to colouring in the giraffe and wondering how many colouring sheets I was going to be able to fill out by the time my shift ended because no one had bought anything yet and we weren't counting on people to start showing up any time soon. 

I was almost finished with the fish when the doors swung open and in walked a disheveled looking Jongin.

"Jongin-ah!" Sehun called out to him cheerfully without looking up from his screen. 

"Hey," Jongin replied halfheartedly before practically stomping his way over to me. Oh. I knew where this conversation was going. "Avery," he began in a low tone, "did you and Kyungsoo really break up with each other?" Why did he care so much? Oh, wait, it was probably before Kyungsoo was one of his best friends. I'd care a lot if Chorong and Joonmyun broke up. I'd probably even cry. I bet that's how Sehun was currently feeling.