Chapter 1

Tiffany – Age 16

• David Levithan

“You can’t submit this.” Taeyeon repeats as she waves the piece of paper in front of Tiffany to attract her attention, effectively breaking her train of thought. They were having lunch at their favourite spot - on the bench next to the school field, where they could people-watch and pretend not to exist for an hour. It was autumn and Tiffany was watching the leaves fall, thinking of a dozen different ways to describe the scene in front of her.

She seizes her poem back from Taeyeon’s hand grudgingly, tired of hearing people tell her what she can or cannot do.

“You need to get your head out of the clouds, Tiffany. You can’t spend all your time reading and think that counts as living. You need real skills for real life.” Her dad had said earlier in the morning, right before he called the principal to request that Tiffany joined some kind of sport. "It builds character." He later explained.

Taeyeon snaps her fingers in front of Tiffany’s eyes and she almost wishes that Taeyeon would disappear. She catches her thought and discards it immediately, pulling the other girl into a hug - out of guilt.

“Do you think that there’s something wrong with me?” She buries her head in Taeyeon’s shoulder, wiping away a few stray tears.

“There are a lot of things that are wrong in this world, but you, Tiffany Hwang, are not one of them. Maybe you’re the only thing that’s right - that’s why it feels so wrong.” Taeyeon murmurs, while patting her gently on the back. Tiffany allows Taeyeon’s words to echo in her head, memorising them as they past. She would write them down later, when Taeyeon is away.

“What’s wrong with the poem?” She sighs, thinking that she should rip the band aid off quickly, while Taeyeon is still holding her.

“It’s too good.” Taeyeon utters, like it’s a grave problem. Tiffany breaks away from the hug, wondering if this was another one of the many times where Taeyeon tries to slip her a compliment. She raises an eyebrow, unimpressed by the effort.

“No, really.” Taeyeon nods fervently and now Tiffany is slightly afraid that she’s being sarcastic. But Taeyeon would never hurt her or play with her insecurities so it must be a poorly delivered compliment. She smiles upon reaching that conclusion.

“It’s so brilliantly descriptive. You really shouldn’t submit this unless you want the whole school to know that you have a crush on Nickhun. The way you described his eyes will probably make everyone fall in love with him - or you.” Taeyeon nudges Tiffany playfully on the arm as she blushes.

“Now I have no idea what to write about.” She presses her palms against her eyes, feeling as if words are finite and she had just run out of them.

“Write about me.” Taeyeon says as optimistic as she did the last time she asked.

“No.” Tiffany replies as adamantly as she did the last time Taeyeon asked.

“It’s not fair. I’ve written dozens of things about you – essays, poems, short stories, long stories… I’ve just started writing songs and guess what my first song is about?”

“Me?”

“You.”  Taeyeon confirms, pursing her lips. “If I don’t appear in your writings soon, I’m going to start thinking that I’m not important enough to.” She exhales through her nose, stopping the flow of disappointment that is tipping over in .

Tiffany sighs, thinking that Taeyeon would probably never understand how it’s like to lose the battle with words.

 “You are too important to me. There are no words.”

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Tiffany – Age 23 (Present)

• Jack’s Mannequin

“Start with her eyes, make it as generic as possible so every girl will think it’s about her.” Taeyeon writes in the air with her fingers, looking dazed.

“Kim Taeyeon, are you selling out?” She scoffs and continues colouring the heart she had just drawn. The first two were too thin, somewhat deflated, but the one she was currently filling was at the other extreme – looking more like a circle than a heart. Not a single word had made its way onto the page, but Tiffany wasn’t too bothered, distracted by the need to perfect the drawing of hearts.

“I’m always tempted to and sometimes I have to. At the end of the day, it’s all about the money. If all it takes are shallow lyrics and four chords to make the hit chart, I don’t see why I should try so hard.” Taeyeon is drumming her fingers on her bed now, and Tiffany thinks that she should probably find something for Taeyeon to do with her hands before it drives her crazy.

“Don’t depress me. I worked at a bank. That’s enough angst to last a lifetime.” Tiffany laughs, finding her life amusing. Perhaps she should be the last person to be writing a love song right now. Second to last, she mentally corrects herself. Second again.

“What are you going to do now?” Taeyeon asks and Tiffany wants to scream - to declare to the world that she doesn’t have a clue so they would learn never to ask her this question ever again. But it’s Taeyeon, so she pushes her nerves aside and takes time to actually ponder the question.

“Nothing. I’m calling this a holiday. Oh should we actually go somewhere? The mountains… or a beach? To get away from all of this. We could go to Greece, or Bali, or…”

“Finish the song first, Tiffany.” Taeyeon orders and Tiffany s around for a book, or a stuffed animal, or an eraser – anything to punish Taeyeon for bursting her bubble. But her desk, like the rest of her room, was mostly empty. All her belongings were still being shipped from the States. She felt as empty as the room looked.

“Why couldn’t we hang out at yours? I can’t believe I’m under my dad’s roof again, after being completely independent for 5 years. It feels like a massive step back.”

Everything about her life felt like a massive step back.

‘Because everything in my house reminds me of my ex. I swear I can still smell her perfume.” Taeyeon crinkles her nose, sniffling the imaginary scent. 

“You never told me what happened.” Taeyeon flinches at the unshared memory and Tiffany desperately wants to wipe the pain off her face, but doesn’t know how. She directs her frustration to the innocent piece of paper, tearing a hole in one of the hearts she had just drawn. 

“It’s too fresh.”

“It’s been a month.”

“Feels like yesterday when she ripped my heart out.”

Another hole in another heart.

“You sure you don’t want to talk about it?” Tiffany asks anyway, already knowing the answer.

“There are no words.”

“No words. No words. No words. No words. No words…” Tiffany scribbles a string of them next to each of her disfigured hearts.

“You’re upset.” Taeyeon observes, frowning.

“I hate her.” Tiffany explains, crumbling the piece of paper in her hands and tossing it towards the bin, missing her mark.

“You’ve never met her.” Taeyeon states, incredulous.

Tiffany shrugs, not wanting to explain. “Good thing she’s never met me.” she thinks.

“Let’s get out,” Taeyeon suggests, somewhat suddenly. “You’re right. We should get away from all of this. To get inspired to write a love song!” Taeyeon punches the air and leaps off the bed, dragging Tiffany out of her chair as she heads towards the door.

“Where are we going?”

Not that she cared.

“Your favourite place in the whole wide world,” Taeyeon chimed.

******

“You clearly don’t know me anymore.” Tiffany pouts, feeling bored out her mind.

“Come on, you basically lived here.” Taeyeon adds another book to the stack that Tiffany is holding and her hands sink under the weight.

“That was when I was a nerd with no life.” She lifts her nose higher so that the scent of old books wouldn’t reach her. Taeyeon had decided to bring her to their local library - which Tiffany is still convinced is the second worst idea Taeyeon has ever had, right next to dating her ex.   

“You are still a nerd with no life.” Taeyeon jokes and Tiffany bites down her inadequate retort. She groans and continues trailing Taeyeon down the aisle of books.

“What are you looking for anyway? These are heavy and more than you can read in a week.” Tiffany asks, tired of carrying Taeyeon’s books.

Taeyeon turns and relieves Tiffany of her load, placing the stack of books on the floor. “Inspiration,” she answers as she takes the first book off the pile, randoming flipping the pages. “This is a good one,” she says gleefully before starting to read aloud.

“Don't go far off, not even for a day, because -- 
because -- I don't know how to say it: a day is long 
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station 
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.”

“God, I’ve missed you.” Tiffany interrupts Taeyeon after the first stanza, placing a lingering kiss on Taeyeon’s cheek. Taeyeon has a melodic voice – coupled with the right words, it could melt anyone to a puddle. “You really should be a singer.” Tiffany nods, making a mental note to make Taeyeon sing for her someday.

“Sure, after I become a philosopher, painter, mathematician… You’re still putting me on a pedestal. Some things never change.” Taeyeon lightly squeezes Tiffany’s arm and looks away sadly.

“Don’t you do the same to me?” Tiffany asks curiously, wondering if it’s common among best friends.

“It’s a different kind of pedestal.” Taeyeon whispers and shakes her head, letting her thoughts scatter in the air. Tiffany took it as a subtle hint to drop the topic. Tiffany had long accepted that there will always be parts of Taeyeon that she couldn’t read.

“Taeyeon,” Tiffany calls out softly and Taeyeon directs her gaze away from the books, her hand still tracing the leather covers. “I only liked coming to the library because you liked the library. Personally, I prefer to read outdoors.” she confesses for the first time. Liking something because of someone else was spineless, pathetic – someone Tiffany stopped being years ago.

Taeyeon’s eyes widen and she breaks into a laugh, earning her an angry glare from the librarian. Tiffany crosses her arms, regretting her decision to reveal the weaker part of her personality.

“Let’s get out of here then.” Taeyeon murmurs, after catching her breath. “I’m only ever here because of you anyway.” 

******

Tiffany shows up at Taeyeon’s apartment the next day, feeling extremely neurotic.  

“What kind of love song?” Tiffany asks as soon as Taeyeon opens the door.

“You woke me up just for this?” Taeyeon yawns loudly to make a point.

“It’s 2pm, you sloth.” Tiffany saunters past the other girl towards the kitchen, picking up stray beer bottles and takeout boxes lying around the floor on the way. The house is in a messier state than it was the last time Tiffany was there and it worried her. She should really clean the mess in Taeyeon’s head before she starts with the house.

“What are you doing?” Taeyeon returns to the airbed lying in the middle of the living room, pulling the covers over her head to block out the lights.

“Making you breakfast.” She replies.

“Lunch.” Taeyeon corrects her.

“I’m glad you noticed.” She brings the ingredients out of the bag and searches the cabinets for the necessary items.

“What was your question again?” Taeyeon joins her at the kitchen as she heats the pan and she hands Taeyeon a fresh cup of coffee.

“What kind of love song? A pop song? A ballad? Happy? Depressing? Hopeful? Longing? I could go on forever.” Tiffany replies. She didn’t like it when instructions were vague – her mind would simultaneously pull her in different directions, overwhelming her. 

“Ballad. Only because you’re working with Seohyun. Also, not depressing. Other than that, it’s entirely up to you.” Taeyeon picks up a raw carrot and chews on it loudly, messing with the chopped ingredients with her other hand. “Have you started?”

“I have a few lines.” She frowns as she dumps the raw food into the pan. “They’re not good enough though.” She adds, just to manage expectations.

“I’ll be the judge. You’re an awful judge.” Taeyeon says and starts searching the cabinets for nothing in particular.

“I swear I’m going to tie your hands up one day and enjoy it.” Tiffany mutters as Taeyeon slams the fridge shut, still empty handed.

“.”

“ert.”

“Please, I’ve caught you checking me out multiple times.” Taeyeon clicks her tongue and hops onto the kitchen counter. Tiffany places the dishes next to her and sticks out her tongue childishly, not denying Taeyeon’s accusation.

“You’re pretty.” Tiffany shrugs nonchalantly, passing Taeyeon a fork. It was undeniable. Taeyeon had dark, inviting eyes and a bright smile, which she seldom showed to the world - adding to her allure. The more Taeyeon tried to hide away from the spotlight, the more it craved her. Perhaps Tiffany was a black hole where Taeyeon could disappear into.

“Sorry, I can’t hear you all the way up from my pedestal.” Taeyeon chuckles and devours her food hungrily. Tiffany rolls her eyes and takes a bite from her plate.

It tasted terrible.

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