Cold.

He feels cold. Wet. Hurt. He feels pain everywhere. It’s hard to breathe, his chest feels heavy, like there’s something weighing it down. He tries to open his eyes, fails, close them again. This time, he registers the drumming of rain still falling around him. It hasn’t stopped since they departed from Busan. Seunghoon had stared out of the window, grey surrounds his side profile, dulling the colorful hoodie he wore this morning. Seunghoon had stared at him, with a sad smile, hope and a heart. Seunghoon had widened his eyes, smile faltering, before he is pressed against his chest. Seunghoon—

Jinwoo opens his eyes, startled, feels something still enclosing his body safely. The rain blurred his sight, but he tried to squint and Seunghoon is there, lies on his side, with one arm slung over Jinwoo’s body. There is red, Seunghoon is bleeding, blood seeping out from somewhere on his head and chest. The blood soaks his and Jinwoo’s shirt with brilliant red.

He tries to call his name—Seunghoon, baby, Seunghoon, no, no, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I love you. I’m sorry. Open your eyes. Please. Please—but his throat feels like it’s tied into knots. It felt as if the heavy sounds of rain drowning out everything. He felt tears streaming down his wet face, feels Seunghoon’s cold hands, feels the metals and frames of the bus, feels the pieces of the broken window scratching his cheek, his head, his hands, but his mind could only tells him to scream.

Save him.

Somebody.

The grey cloud answers him with more of falling rain.

*

Jinwoo wakes up, screams and breaking the silence of his dark room.

The window is opened, the rain outside is still unforgiving.

“Seunghoon..Seunghoon”

He started to feel numb, detached from everything and watching himself hunching down, kneeling beside the bed with heaving chest. He stumbles upon a paper cup, the content spilled out onto the carpet.

Jinwoo-hyung, fighting!

Song Minho.

“I just wanna know your name” 

The pills.

He stood up, hand flailing and sweeping his bedside table’s surface. The bottles fell down, breaking into shards and spilling out the contents.

Colorful pills.

Colors on Seunghoon. He had lost Seunghoon.

White lilies had surrounded the coffin, the church had played a sad song with a piano.

Stop it.

Stop it.

Stop it.

*

“I like how pale your skin is”

Jinwoo scowls. “You’re mocking me again” He heard a laugh before a pair of skinny arms slip around his waist.

“Wasn’t trying to” he felt a kiss landed on his temple. “You look pretty when you’re standing among people on street. Your skin is glowing”

He bites his lips, hating how easy it was for him to blush, how easy it was for Seunghoon to say such words he never even heard before. What worse is, he really meant it. It was always easy for Seunghoon to see past everything for a good side. There’s always beauty in every dull things he sees.

“You wanna go to a park?” Seunghoon asks, interrupting his train of thoughts. They have been staying in bed since morning, too tired to do anything. It’s almost ten now. “It’s cold outside, Hoon” he hits the arms on his stomach softly. “It is indeed, still autumn” Seunghoon mutters against his shoulder, then turns him around, meeting him face to face on one pillow. From this close, he could see Seunghoon’s young face, with bright, albeit tired eyes. His lips are chapped, he reminds himself to buy more lipbalm and vitamin C for that.

“Okay” he found himself says.

Jinwoo doesn’t remember, when was the last time he felt so reluctant, so afraid and so opposing to that idea. It feels easy now, to remember there’s someone beside him, that he’s not so helpless in public spaces instead of submitting to his fear, to be aware of how he has no control in those places.  

“I’ll make sandwiches” Jinwoo says. He doesn’t get a reply, only a slight touch of fingers tracing his forehead, his nose then ended on his lips. He raises his eyebrows in question. “Nothing” Seunghoon answers, as if hearing his thought. The fingers move again, on his neck and slipping into his sleeping shirt. They give soothing touches that almost lull him back to sleep, but then he choked back a moan when said fingers pressing on sensitive collarbones. “Seunghoon, wait…” he stutters, embarrased, trying to pull Seunghoon’s hand from ing his shirt. The touches are no longer innocent, they’re roaming around Jinwoo’s front. The bedsheet rustles as Seunghoon shifts to loom over him, one hand pinning him down and stops him from squirming. He feels his shirt slid down his shoulders, leaving his chest completely bare.

He whines, high pitched, when Seunghoon scatters kisses from his tummy up to the center of his chest. He doesn’t know what suddenly got Seunghoon in this mood, doesn’t know what kind of face he made, but Seunghoon had pulled away, leaving the skins he touched in burning warmth and stared at him with eyes so dark with need. He feels hot all over whenever Seunghoon gave that kind of gaze.

“You make the prettiest sound”  

 A kiss and fleeting touches on his sides.  

“I’ll take care of you”

Jinwoo closed his eyes.

*

“He didn’t come today”

Mino bites his lips, his fingers clutching the book tighter. The librarian at the front desk is someone different, someone with ‘Kim Jiwon’ printed on his nametag. Jiwon smiles apologetically. “Do you need a book? I can take it for you” Mino shakes his head. “Umm, you see, actually I want to give this replacement” he gestures the book in his hand. “I kind of..uhh ripped a book in this library and I…want to replace it, yeah” Jiwon took the book from Mino, a brand new one still wrapped in plastic. “Umm, could you maybe…is he okay? I mean, Jinwoo-hyung?” he asked. “Are you his friend?” Jiwon inquires, taking Mino aback but he nodded anyway.

“I wasn’t that close to Jinwoo-sunbaenim so I really didn’t know anything” Jiwon says and maybe the look on Mino’s face is so disappointed that he purses his lips, trying to remember something, “Ah! I know one person that could help you! He’s at music club just like me, his name is Nam Taehyun” he snaps his fingers. Jiwon then continues to give him information about how this Nam Taehyun is the one who always picks Jinwoo up after his shift ends and Mino could visit him in their practice room.

As he walks in the corridor of this foreign side of building, he wonders whether Nam Taehyun would find him creepy to ask about Jinwoo. They weren’t that acquainted yet and the closest Mino could ever gets out of Jinwoo was his anger (and tears, Mino definitely was sure it was tears) When he arrived in front of a room with number 30 on its door, Mino opens it carefully, slipping inside and immediately found a bunch of people scattered around with papers or instruments in their hands. Jiwon had told him to just say his name, everyone there knows him, apparently.

“Umm, I’m looking for Nam Taehyun?” he says to a student sitting near the window.

“That’s me” someone from behind Mino says. He turned around and saw a man with middle parted hair, hands crossed and eyebrows drooping. “Who are you and what do you need from me?” Nam Taehyun asks with tone that sounds a bit rude. “My name is Song Mino”

As soon as he mentioned his name, Nam Taehyun’s eyes darkened.

*

He feels embarrased. He could feel his face reddened. Seunghoon grins wider, walking backwards, hiding his hands behind him. The long string of red thread that Seunghoon had tied on Jinwoo’s finger stretched between them. He feels a tug on it, a pull, until his ring finger raised perfectly. The park is filled with a lot of people, walking, murmuring and laughing in their own world. Jinwoo feels his heart beats fast, but not from the anxiety crawling whenever there are too much around him. Seunghoon keeps tugging, until Jinwoo moves closer and standing face to face. “What are you doing?” Jinwoo laughed nervously. He saw a smile, a hand pulling something out, something circular and shining. Seunghoon lifted the gold ring and it slides smoothly on the red thread into Jinwoo’s finger.

He feels embarrased. He feels his face reddened.

But he feels so much on his chest.

(Love)

Seunghoon kissed him.

*

A/N: I'm sorry Seunghoon