2am.

I stared at the empty sheet of paper on my table. Balls of crushed paper were strewn everywhere on the floor. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t project my emotions onto paper.

If I bottle up my feelings for just one more night, I will undoubtedly go insane.

I have so many things to tell you, to talk to you about – but you aren’t here.

How long has it been since you’ve been gone…?

Five months?

Eight months?

Ten?

When I saw your mother’s grief-stricken face outside the dorm door, I knew something bad happened to you.

To be honest, I couldn’t believe it.

You were the strongest among the 12 of us.

You were the one, who would keep your emotions hidden underneath a mask that nobody could make you take off.

You were the one who always encouraged the 11 of us when we were tired and demotivated to get anything done.

I released my grip on the pen, letting it roll onto the floor. What else could I write…? How do I express my damn emotion that I’ve kept all to myself for so long…?

Immediately, almost as by instinct, my hand reached over to pick up the pen and I continued writing.

I’ve heard that the first memory that you write about someone shows how much your mind constantly thinks about that particular memory.

I still remembered that day. Our hands brushed against each other -

My hands shot up to my chest, as though I touched a fire.

No… This memory… I tried so hard to forget about it.

- and I thought it was an accident. But I guess it wasn’t, judging from the way your cheeks flushed and the way you nervously laughed when I asked you about it, late at night.

I remembered how we would stand beside each other and bow together after our concerts, and the fact that I would reach for your hand every single time and I would feel as though I’m the most blessed person for being able to hold it.

I really miss the way your hands perfectly fit in mine, like how jigsaw puzzles perfectly complement each other.

... Oh, the things I would trade away, just to feel your hand in mine, once more...

I reached for a bottle half-filled with pills that would “aid me in getting rest”.

Yeah, right. When was the last time that I actually managed to get a proper rest?

... How many pills was I supposed to take, again?

... Whatever. It doesn’t matter how many pills I consume.

Will I succeed?

I continued my letter to Luhan after swallowing my pills without any liquid.

“No,” I remembered telling myself, “This can’t be.”

Sadly, our society frowns upon those who are in love with the other gender.

You know what? I really wonder: what’s wrong with that…? Love knows no boundaries.

As far as I know, love is love. Nothing else.

I knew it was interest when I started to look at you as more than just a friend.

I knew it was admiration when I caught myself staring at you during our practices and performances.

I knew it was love when I woke up one day and decided that I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life.

... I wished that I had the guts to tell you how I honestly felt about you.

I guess it’s too late now.

It is too late.

Why am I such a coward? All I needed was a few seconds of insane courage to open up my mouth and say, “Luhan-ah. I think I’m in love with you.”

That was all I needed.

..........

(Why does my head feel so heavy all of a sudden...?)

I shook my head a couple of times before I continued writing.

----------

Dearest Luhan….. Sorry for the handwriting; my hands are shaking pretty badly. And my head feels so heavy; it’s hard to continue writing.

It must be these medications I took… How many pills did I take?

Did I take three pills?

Or was it five…?

… I don’t know. And I don’t care.

I’ve had difficulties sleeping even after all these months.

I guess it’s because I miss you a lot.

 

… All of the members are mourning but I guess I took your loss the hardest.

How can I not, after all that we’ve been through?

The laughter, the inside jokes between the two of us, the way our eyes met, the way it felt when the both us were alone…

I checked the description of the bottle.

“Consume 3 pills twice daily. Overdose on pills may result in nerve damage, breathing complications, and even death.”

Well.............

..... I should finish up this letter.

I’m going to join you up there after tonight.

Please wait for me.

We can be together forever, just like we always wanted………………..

I felt the strength in my body draining away. I was so, so tired. And calm, for some reason.

I love you.

I’ll see you soon.

 

Suho

I dropped the pen. My head hit the table with a loud bang.

(So, so tired...)

I heard footsteps and frantic knocking on my door.

(Too late.)

As I slowly drifted into unconsciousness, the only thing on my mind was... Luhan.

... I succeeded.