The day of their debut finally came. The twelve boys were on a high, heart pounding, palms sweating, knees trembling lightly and mind filled with nervous thoughts. They were able to make it through their performances. The first time that they greeted the fans were a mess of untimed opening of mouths yet the twelve boys still managed to snag the fans’ hearts.

They were finally made known to be EXO, twelve handsome boys b with talent and charm.

Upon debut, EXO’s schedule were packed. They were asked to perform here and there, have their promotions all over the place, travel here and there and of course practice upon practice. All of these were taxing for the twelve boys but they are living at the moment, finally feeling what it’s really like to be a performer, they were finally able to taste the bitter-sweetness of their dream. It was all worth it though, they deduced.

Jongin watched himself on the mirrors of their practice room. He needs to have his moves sharper, more precise, he needs to do his dancing right, he has to make his art perfect. There’s no room for errors, not when he was finally able to have a taste, not when he’s finally there, not now, not ever. 

Jongin continued to dance and dance until his knees finally gave in.

He collapsed on all fours, panting heavily, sweat continuously dripping on the floor, vision a bit blurred, he was out of breath. He was exhausted but it feels so right, Jongin can’t have it any other way. The rush of exhaustion keeping him going, wanting him to go on and on and on. He has been staying far too late than he ever had, practicing more, and pushing himself even further. Jongin’s there finally, and now he feels himself being consumed by the desire of having his limits tested fully. Their packed schedules gives him rush, even though it’s taking a lot on his body he can’t seem to care, he’s liking it though. Since debuting he completely succumbed into making everything perfect, he’s taking it upon himself to match and up the expectations that were thrown out on the table.

Jongin knows that doing all of these is not healthy. He can see the concern on the members’ faces when he would refuse to come home yet, wanting still to practice after hours of rigorous routines. Kyungsoo’s worried stares etched on his brain, he can clearly remember seeing the elder’s eyes full of worry, he can see the reluctance of the elder to go home with the others when Jongin refused to come with them, Jongin can feel that Kyungsoo is holding back from yelling at him, he can feel Kyungsoo’s frustration and Jongin’s becoming even more frustrated with himself. Kyungsoo’s completely worried of him and it should make him thump his chest in happiness yet he knows he can’t do it.

He can’t pull Do Kyungsoo to the mess that is Kim Jongin.

When Jongin regained his energy to at least be able to stand up, he made his way back to the dorm. When he got back, he was surprised to see Sehun still up and drinking bubble tea. How he got himself one, Jongin would never even try to understand.

“Yo.”

“How did you even get bubble tea?”

“Why are you back this late again?”

Jongin rolled his eyes.

“Out practicing more I guess?”

Jongin made his way towards his room when Sehun said something surprising.

“You know what? You’ll end up killing yourself if you won’t start putting up your limitations.”

Jongin turned around and glared at the maknae.

“I mean, seriously, Jongin, the hyungs are worried about you, well we all know that you are an overachiever but this is taking it over the top. Kyungsoo hyung is always worried about you. We all-“

“Shut up.”

“Jongin, stop being stubborn. You’re taking a path towards self-destruction that you will end up not being able to enjoy the satisfaction of having your dreams come true. There’s a huge pole stuck up your and honestly, you should get rid of it. Loosen up, man.”

Jongin turned to leave. He hates it how Sehun’s words bit him. Sure that brat can be a straight up rude but he sure knows how to slap you with the truth and rub salt on its gashes.

You’ll end up killing yourself.

There’s a huge pole stuck up your and honestly, you should get rid of it.

Kyungsoo hyung is always worried about you.

Jongin knows all of these but he chose to keep himself in a loop of denial. He knows that what he’s doing is over the top, he’s aware that he should stop and he damn well knows that Kyungsoo and everyone else is worried of him but he can’t seem to put a leash on himself.

Jongin entered his room with a heavy sigh and was shocked out of his mind when he saw Kyungsoo sleeping on his bed. Jongin was rooted to his spot, unable to take his eyes off from the elder. Come to think of it, it has been weeks since he saw the elder this way. It had always been them too busy being pulled up into schedules after another or them being too exhausted to even spend time talking to each other. A strong surge of impulse to lay by the elder’s side and embrace him from behind had him reeling. Jongin suddenly wants to feel the elder’s warmth, to catch a whiff of that now all too familiar scent, he wanted to just lay there and never let his insecurities and indecisiveness get the better of him.

Jongin made his way towards his bed, sat by the floor near it and slowly reached to caress the elder’s hair. He was the elder’s hair slowly when Kyungsoo suddenly opened his eyes.

“Jongin-ah.”

They locked gazes, with Jongin’s hand still on the elder’s hair, and Kyungsoo not breaking eye contact.

“Hi hyung. Why are you sleeping on my bed? Did something happen?”

Kyungsoo stared at Jongin, it has been too long since the two of them talked this way. Jongin has tired eyes, exhaustion clearly evident on his handsome face and Kyungsoo died a little inside. Jongin has been pushing himself harder each day, he seems to be living in a completely different dimension and it scares Kyungsoo. The Jongin that would whine for him to make food, the Jongin that would make small demands just to hog Kyungsoo’s spare time was replaced by the Jongin that would skip meals in favour of practicing more, the Jongin that once would always occupy his spare time was replaced by the Jongin that would not even spare him a glance, a Jongin that would completely ignore Kyungsoo’s silent pleas of having him rest even just for a little while.

The Jongin that would always stare at him was replaced by the Jongin that averts his gaze when Kyungsoo would be the one to look at him.

The Jongin that would beam warmly at him was replaced by the Jongin who would only smile half-heartedly.

And Kyungsoo’s heart would squeeze into uncomfortable knots each and every time.

He reached for Jongin’s hand that was his hair, enclosed them in his small ones and played with the younger’s fingers.

“Why are you doing this, Jongin-ah?”

He felt Jongin stiffen at his sudden query.

“Why are you pushing yourself too much? Why won’t you relax? Why won’t you talk to me properly anymore? Why won’t you? Why?”

“Hyung, I-“

“When will you stop trying to destroy yourself with the one thing that you love?”

Kyungsoo was close to tears, all those pent up frustrations trying to escape through his eyes. He was so close to tears but he won’t let himself cry, he needs to be strong, Jongin needs him, he needs to anchor the younger and be his pillar of strength.

“Hyung, you don’t understand.”

“What do I not understand?”

“Hyung let’s not talk about thi-“

“Why won’t you tell me Jongin-ah? How can I understand if you wouldn’t even talk to me?!”

Kyungsoo sat up and glared at Jongin.

Jongin ruffled his hair in frustration and stood up. “Let’s not have this talk now hyung. We’re both tired. You should sleep.”

“If we’re not going to have this talk right now, when will we?!” Kyungsoo screamed at him.

“Hyung-“

“When exactly Jongin? When you’ve already gone and done harm on yourself?!”

“Kyungsoo it’s not abou-“

“Or do you not even plan on talking to me anymore and just continue this that you’ve been pulling?!”

“I am not pulling !”

“Then what are you doing now?! You are putting so much burden on your shoulders when you’re not even supposed to be doing so! At least confide with us! Let me at least help you! Jongin you can share whatever-“

“I can’t have you doing that, hyung.”

“What? Jongin-“

“I can’t have you caring for me. I can’t have you fussing over me. I can’t have you carry whatever it is that I have. I can’t have you shaking me up. I can’t have you always making it hard for my heart to function well. I can’t have you anchoring me. I can’t have you messing my head! I can’t have you distract me because damn it I don’t need it right now!”

Jongin’s outburst shocked Kyungsoo. The elder clenched his fist tightly, his nails digging painfully on his palms. He was not about to burst into tears. He would not allow Jongin to see how vulnerable he is at the moment. He won’t allow Jongin to see how his words hurt him. Kyungsoo was stronger than all of that. He turned away from the younger, gathered his pillows and blanket and started his way out of their shared room.

“Hyung, where are you going? Hyung, I-I’m sorry I didn-“

“Just rest now Jongin.”

“Hyung I didn’t mean to say-“

“I won’t disturb you anymore for the rest of the night.”

“Hyung I-“

Kyungsoo opened the door and slammed it shut on Jongin’s face.

“Goodnight, Jongin-ah. Sorry for turning you this way.” Kyungsoo whispered into the dead night.

As Kyungsoo was walking towards their living room, his vision blurred and it’s taking all of his self-control not to make any sound. Jongin probably hates him now. He didn’t mean to become such nuisance to the younger, he only wanted to help, and he only wanted his affection to reach the younger. Kyungsoo didn’t know that he already became such a bother to Jongin and it made his heart pummel downwards. It was already too hard for Jongin and there he was, making all that selfish demands and running his mouth without consideration for the younger.

When Kyungsoo reached the sofa he settled down and curled himself into a ball. Silent tears escaping from his eyes, digging six feet under his heart, he was finding it hard to breathe properly. He’s been making it hard for Jongin and he didn’t even notice. Kyungsoo became self-centered and only thought about his own emotions.

Everything around him feels stuffy, his heart in a steady constriction, his mind racing a mile per second, his soul dying a little, his own self-control crumbling down as tears after tears fall from his eyes.

Everything hurts. Is this what it feels like to have his defences crumble? Kyungsoo curled himself tighter, begging the nails that are digging on his arms to inflict pain, he’d rather have it hurt physically than the way it tears him emotionally at the moment.

I can’t have you messing my head!

I’m sorry, Kyungsoo mumbled silently. I didn’t mean to mess with your head, Jongin-ah. It has been hard for you and yet here I am claiming to have affection for you but I was the one who has been making to unbearable for you.

I can’t have you distract me because damn it I don’t need it right now!

Distracting you form your dream was not my intention. I just wanted to help, to at least make things a little easier for you. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry Jongin.

Jongin was probably upset at this moment, they were screaming at each other after all. The other members should have heard them as well but Kyungsoo’s too busy trying to not cry out loud to care at the moment. 

It hurts, it’s all the he can think about.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Kyungsoo wanted to take back everything.

A fresh wave of tears assaulted him, it was getting harder to think by the minute.

He should set things straight. Tomorrow, Kyungsoo will have to it up and set things right. He would tell Jongin that he’s sorry. He would stop bothering him with excessive fussing. He would keep his caring to a minimum outside, he’ll just bury its maximum under his core. He would still be there for Jongin, he would watch over him but he would do it discretely so as to not mess things further.

Kyungsoo would keep his affection towards Jongin close to his heart but will try not to have it showing.

Kyungsoo will try to keep his distance but have Jongin with him within his mind.

He will just have to repress his own feelings.

He will be a good hyung.

Kyungsoo will try to forget things.

Kyungsoo will try.

He will try harder, he will try and he hopes that he won’t end up combusting.

He needs to be strong. He will not accede.

He still can’t bring to stop his tears.

His heart, weighing heavier by the second.

His eyelids drooping from exhaustion.

His unconscious calling out for him, cocooning him in a false safe haven, Kyungsoo gladly accepts.

He shut his eyes.

His subconscious getting its way out on him.

Kyungsoo dreams of flowers withering.

He dreams of petals wilting away.

He felt something cold cascading down his cheeks, dropping heavy strains straight to his heart.

Then all went quiet.

THERE YOU GO FOR CHAPTER FIVE HUHU WHAT HAVE I DONE L WRITING THIS FELT KIND OF HEAVY L

ANYHOW THANK YOU FOR READING J SORRY FOR MAKING KAISOO THIS WAY L

NOW I FEEL LIKE PUNCHING MYSLEF -__-

HOW DO YOU THINK OF THIS THO? J