It feels kind of lonely up here.

♫

It was the last day she was going to be in Osaka and god knows when will it be the next time she comes to this country. She spent the entire day yesterday going to the must-go Osaka Castle which was overcrowded with tourists disturbing the tranquility of the area, then headed to the Cup Noodle Museum of the first cup noodle company in the entire world, ending the day by taking pictures with the famous Dontonbori and ate takoyakis. The meeting with Kai was thrown to the back of her head because, first of all he wasn't her bias and he was totally un-idol like. Taehyun samcheon might just be the only actor out there who acts the same way on and off stage.

"We are one! Annyeonghaseyo EXO imnida!" the famous slogan rolled off their tongues as they stood on stage, perspiring. Kai panted lightly, looking at the galaxy of stars. It was the last time they were going to be here as 10 and he wondered how were the fans going to react with another member's departure. Were they getting used to it? Were they going to continue supporting them or move on to another idol group, most likely their hoobaes? He didn't know.

Chen and Tao were acting extremely clingy to Lay and it irked Kai. With his departure, he'd be the sole lead dancer and it was a good thing. But still considering the damage done to E.M.E's stocks as well as with the large number of EXO fans leaving the fandom, he wondered what would become of EXO. Will they disband in 2015? 2016? Turn into solo singers?

Or would they still stay as EXO?

"Uh... today is the last day of our EXO The Lost Planet World Tour and we're really happy to be able to spend our Christmas Eve with our EXO-L!" Suho recited slowly from the japanese script he memorised earlier. "We hope you'll enjoy the concert!"

And the same familiar routine started, except for encore where they sang Miracles in December in Japanese as well as numerous Christmas songs. There were foam cans and the boys engaged themselves in a full out snow war on stage with the fangirls squealing at their actions. Kai was entangled between Tao and Kyungsoo after he sprayed a great deal of white foam on Kyungsoo's head.  

"They're still screaming for us, how cute." Tao was in awe as the platform lowered into backstage. The staff rushed forward to help the boys take off their stuffy outfits and they stood panting, listening to their Japanese fans singing 'Don't Go' while their ending VCR was playing. 

"Our EXO-L sing so beautifully." he continued, taking one last glance at the silver ocean from the open platform before moving back into the waiting room with an arm around Lay. "Hyung, you did well."

"Mhm." he didn't speak much, trying to engrave the memories with his 9 brothers left in EXO as well as his EXO-Ls whom he couldn't call his in a few weeks time. It was a wonderful journey, coming this far with them. The long training days filled with blood and sweat, laughter at 4am in the morning after a tiring dance practice, the huge arguments and fights in the dorms which now seemed meaningless.

The waiting room was silent. The boys worn out from their last concert which they've put in their all. With Lay's soon to be departure, the K members did not have much reaction to this decision that was made, just like Luhan's. 

"Hyung, what's our schedule for tomorrow?" Suho croaked, voice cracking from the 3 day concert. 

Minwoo fumbled with his iPad, eyes trained on the schedule for tomorrow. "We'll be leaving for Seoul at 9 in the morning, and we'll head down directly to MBS for a variety show." 

"Weekly idol?" Baekhyun rasied an eyebrow. "He loved those hyungs but they'd need to prepare themselves for the harsh jokes they'd say as well as the challenges for them.

"Nope, Hello Counsellor." his hyung replied, thankful that the variety show did not need them to speak much except to listen on to the MCs and occasionally giving their opinions. He glanced around the room, making a head count for the members to see if they were ready to set off for their hotel, seeing that these boys were tired and it was Christmas Eve. They deserved a rest after such a long world tour finally ended. Maybe he should inform Ahreum to hold an impromptu party inside one of the hotel rooms.

"Where's Jongin?"

 Kai didn't know what made him sprint out of the stadium in record speed, getting a subway ticket and rode the train all the way to Honmachi without being caught by any of the fans because, well he was literally the only one who boarded the train at the station. He tilted his snapback lower and adjusted his black mouth face mask, walking out of the station confidently. He was sure no one would recognise him like that though there were people throwing him weird glances. He sat on a bench right outside the subway station and waited.

It was a good 10 minutes and two influx of commuters coming up from the subway escalator when he spotted the girl wearing a red winter coat this time, the same Ugg boots hugging her ankles.

"Hey."

His voice startled Reina as she glanced up at him, confused "Do I know y-"

"Kai?"

"I told you to call me Jongin right." he grinned, satisfied that the girl took a full 3 seconds to notice him. That meant that his disguise was working.

Her eyes narrowed at him, looking around their surroundings suspiciously. It was Christmas Eve and there weren't many people on the streets, except for the convenience store at the end of the street, the rest of the shops were closed, presumely celebrating the holiday with friends and family.

"What are you doing here?"

"Uhm, strolling the city?" he shrugged, eyes twinkling. "Is there anywhere you want to go?"

"I'm going back to the hotel." Reina retorted, turning on her heels. This boy was ridiculous. She was beginning to wonder if he struck on the head with a stone or something because why was he following her around? She wasn't going to go out with him for a second time just because he was an idol or that she was a crazily-in-love teen who thought that maybe an out-of-the-world love story could occur to them. Furthermore, he was NOT her bias and even if her bias Chen were to appear before her-

Wait a minute.

Chen would not do such a thing.

Hearing footsteps echoing after her, she spun around irritated. "What now?"

"It's Christmas Eve and it isn't really nice to celebrate it alone..." Kai said shyly, averting Reina's sharp gaze. It was part truth. "I didn't want to spend it with my members so I thought since we're friends-"

"Friends?" Reina echoed after him, almost scoffing.

"We shared an umbrella, and a dinner, and yeah. We're friends right?"

This boy was hopeless. He was a year older than she was but, were all idols like that? She honestly started to doubt whether Jongdae was acting like that behind the cameras and it was not a good thing, at all.

"Come on," he pulled Reina to the opposite direction of the hotel, causing her to stiffen up at his touch. "If I remember correctly there's a shrine around this area, they are holding a mini festival."

"I don't want to-"

"I don't want to be alone." he murmured.

If there's one thing Reina hated, that would be people. She didn't know if there was something wrong with her but ever since she was a kid, she hated to be in crowded places, she didn't like making friends which explains why she have only a single close friend and she certainly did not enjoy going out, much less have a social life. She was the kind of girl who'd spend her holidays holed up in her dorm or back at her parents' place. Most of the time, she went from places to places alone and she was comfortable with it.

Being alone.

So when Kai said that he didn't want to be alone, she didn't understand what he meant because she loved the deafening silence that engulfed her, having a peaceful time with herself. But seeing that look on his face made her think twice and in the end, reluctantly followed after him. It was a 5 minutes worth of pure soundless walking before the soft christmas music drifted to their ears. The smell of hot charcoal tingled their noses as they reached the long pathway leading to the huge shrine. There wasn't a huge crowd but there were families and couples here and there taking a stroll and enjoying the night.

Sparkling red and green christmas lights danced from vendor to vendor selling tiny gifts and Osaka street food towards the shrine at the end of the pathway. The duo strolled down the stone pavement peaceful silence immersed in the moment. Kai pulled down his cap, dipping onto the tip of his nose and Reina stifled a laughter, wondering how he was going to see his way through the crowd of people. His eyes flitted across the beautiful souvenirs laid on the well-decorated tables to the warm aromatic food that they were selling. He couldn't believe his eyes, how he was standing in the middle of a Japanese crowd strolling the streets like a normal citizen.

Not an idol.

It felt refreshing though he still had to be mindful of revealing his identity. All of a sudden, he felt a sharp tug on his sleeve and halted in his tracks.

"You're going to bang into someone like that." Reina chided, pulling him away from the vendor selling Takoyaki. She had been watching him from the start, still awkward being around this boy a head taller than she was. The looks in his eyes were piqued with curiosity and she could feel the excitement radiating off his body to the extent where he almost head-butted into the name plate of the takoyaki store. It was rather sad, coming to think of it that he must have not been to places like that after his debut in EXO.

To Kai's surprise, Reina didn't release her grasp on his sleeve but the two continued walking like that, attached by the sleeve of his hoodie.

"You like crowded places?" she finally spoke after munching on the endless samples given by the street vendors advertising their stalls.

"No," Kai replied too quickly, sipping onto his warm miso soup. "It's just, it's been a long time since I've been somewhere like that. Feeling so normal lost in a sea of people who do not bother about who I am and where I come from. I'm just a stranger in their eyes, not the idol from EXO."

He sighed, the mist escaping his lips dancing in the cold air. "What about you?"

"Frankly speaking I hate crowded places," Reina wrinkled her nose in disgust. "I hate the people rushing from place to place, or some walking too slow for their own good. And then there are the rowdy kids and crying babies."
 

"Yeah you really seem like you do." the corners of Kai's lips curved into a smile, "You seem awfully unhappy with the world."

"I'm not," Reina denied, "I just don't fancy people, that's all."

They were two strangers sharing the same space. They didn't linger long at the souvenir stalls or grab a bite from the food vendors - already filled up with the samples, neither did they play games and win prizes like people would when they'd go to festivals. Occasionally, they'd pause in their tracks and look upon hopeful boyfriends trying to win a teddy bear for their girlfriends or daddies trying to catch a doll for their baby daughters. Kai would nudge Reina to give it a try because he obviously did not want to risk his identity and she would shake her head violently in opposition claiming that she wasn't good at games.

They were two strangers sharing a comfortable space.

"How's your profession like?" Reina asked out of curiosity while they were climbing the stairs up to the red shrine. It was getting late and there were fewer people in the vicinity so he removed his face mask, catching a breather.

"Mhm..." Kai pondered, taking large thoughtful steps on the stone stairs. "Schedules are planned out weeks before and we have to rush from venues to venues everyday. Most of the time we have to resort to sleeping in the vans on our way to the different venues and it became a habit, no-" he corrected himself. "It's a lifestyle."

"And on days we don't have schedules I'd either be at the dance studio choreographing dance routines for our group or back in the dorms catching up on the latest K drama."

"Boring right?" Kai smiled, "How's yours like then? As a student."

"Oh don't mention it." Reina rolled her eyes. "If yours was boring I don't even know what to say of mine."

"I spend on average 6 hours in school, and then be back in my dorm either completing my tutorials or project work. Weekends are usually spent at home with my family - shopping, going for long tedious walks and dinners. Then the whole cycle repeats again."

"Sounds pretty-" Kai stopped himself in the middle of his sentence.

"Boring." Reina completed.

"Don't you have any club activities? Friends you hang out with? Hobbies?"

"They don't have anything I fancy there and I don't have much friends in school," she shrugged, "I told you I don't like people."

"Are you allergic to human or something?" Kai raised an eyebrow, finding the girl before him really amusingly strange.

"Probably but yeah. I have a close friend but she's always away though."

"What about your family, what do they do?"

"Normal employees." she quickly covered up.

"I see."

The two finally reached the shrine, lighted with red lanterns. 

"What are you doing?" Kai asked, seeing Reina clasping her hands together, eyes tightly shut. For a whole minute, no one spoke and Kai stared at the girl. It was the first time he ever scrutinized her looks. She was fairly normal with long eyelashes curled up at the ends, the tip of her nose ending button-shaped.

"Praying." she opened her eyes, smiling. "They say your wishes come true."

"Oh," his gaze lingered on the red shrine, he was never one to believe in religion or abstract things like that.

"You don't believe it in." Reina raised an accusing eyebrow. "Go ahead and make a wish, it will come true."

"And what if it doesn't?" Kai turned around to face the girl.

"I'll owe you a meal next time." she grinned, settling herself on a bench overlooking the festival below. He looked behind to the shrine again, the lustrous red enticing his eyes.

It doesn't hurt to give it a try.

"What do you think of idols?" he sat himself down beside the girl after muttering a careless prayer under his breath. "You know it's strange how a normal teenage girl like you don't scream at the sight of me."

"Oh please," Reina rolled her eyes at Kai's statement.

"They are like the moon." Reina pointed to the almost full moon shining a dim yellow and Kai lifted his head at the dark starless night sky. "You can only admire then from afar because the more you get to know them, the higher the disappointments."

"So..." he trailed off, trying to dissect her statement. "You're saying I'm a disappointment?"

"No," she grew flustered, shaking her head. "No, I mean idols are beautifully wrapped up gifts with a ribbon on the top. They are alike white painted charcoal which turns black when you scratch it. And the more you scratch at it, the darker it turns."

"What they appear on the outside, kind, innocent, doing aegyeo, being humble, they are all used to cheat on-screen fans and the public. And does the innocent image they give off really exist?" she trailed off, turning to face Kai. Under the dim moon-lit night his eyes shone a glittering black, like a black jewel waiting to be discovered.

"Does the Kai I see on stage exist in the Kim Jongin before me?-"

"Erhem." Kai cleared his throat, standing up from beside her abruptly. "It's getting late, we should go back."

Reina didn't know if her words had offended Kai because the way back was strangely quiet and Kai busied himself with fiddling his phone and adjusting his face mask. But she didn't think she did any wrong because that was the truth she saw and she was merely stating an opinion. 

"Thanks for walking me back." they stood outside the grand hotel and Kai's silence was killing her bit by bit inside. The sense of guilt was not something she could handle well and Reina's clutch on her bag pack grew tighter.

"Look, I didn't mean to offend you back at the shrine and I'm not trying to imply that you're fake or anything."

"I know that." he mumbled.

"I'm sorry-"

"It's alright," he lifted his face and flashed a big grin which could only be seen by the wrinkles in his eyes, though it looked a little too faked to Reina, like when they were forced to smile on broadcast even if they were in a terribly awkward situation. He fumbled for his phone and keyed in his passcode before pushing it to Reina.

"I said I'm not giving you my number and it's going to be the last time we're meet-"

"You said you'll owe me a meal if my wish doesn't come true." Kai retorted, "How am I supposed to redeem my free meal if I don't have your contact?"

Right. Reina almost forgot the deal she carelessly spoke and to her surprise, Kai took her word for word. It was going to be troublesome and she didn't want herself to be entangled in a sticky situation with idols and what not though it might be every girl's dream.

"Do you have LINE?"

"Yeah-"

Before Kai could finish his sentence, she logged into his LINE account and quickly typed her ID on it. Pressing the 'ADD' button, she returned his iPhone to him. 

"It's my LINE account, you can contact me from there."

It was better than nothing and his eyes lingered on the profile picture. It was spring and she was smiling brightly at where - he presumed to be Han river with a middle-aged couple presumely her parents.

Wait a minute.

He clicked onto the profile picture for a better view and maximised the photograph. He knew the couple was familiar but he couldn't put a finger on where he has last seen them. It should be at some broadcasting station...

"So, goodnight Jongin." Reina said, causing Kai to snap back to reality.

"Good night and thank you," Kai slipped his phone into his backpocket, although he knew they wouldn't meet anytime soon the words slip out of mouth casually.

"See you in Seoul."

His last sentence was a promise too heavy to bear because they were people living in different worlds though they stayed in the same city. But still,

"See you."

And Kai hailed a black taxi effortlessly much to his delight, it must be the festive season and everyone should be home celebrating this joyous affair with their friends and family.

Friends and family.

His gaze lingered on the empty road and the countless street lamps that passed him by. Knowing that his dad wasn't one to fuss over such holidays, he'd be working alone in his office and his mom was probably at the cafe with his two sisters. Yet here he was still stuck in Osaka far away from them. His phone buzzed lightly in his jeans pocket, the blinding white lights pricking his eyes. 

"We miss you."

A warm sensation flushed through his body when he saw it was from his eldest sister, a family photograph of his mom, two big sisters and surprisingly his dad was at the cafe as well. When was the last time he saw his dad? Was it 6 months back before they started preparations for their Overdose album? Though he was in his late 50s, he still looked jovial with thinning black hair turning grey at the roots. Kai laughed heartily, thinking that his dad's Santa outfit must be forced by his two cheeky siblings who still thought they were 10.

Before he could type a reply, his phone started to play a familiar melody and he brought it to his ears, speaking before the other party, "Tell Dad he's looking good and I miss you too, noona."

It was noisy on the line with what Kai could pick up as loud christmas music and hearty chuckles in the background of jokes he'll never know.

"Jongin ah, merry christm-"

"Nini," Kai could recognise the voice anywhere on Earth, she was the only one still using his childhood nickname. "Have you been well?"

"Yes mom," Kai bit his lips to resist a sigh, "I miss you."

"I miss you too, come home for a visit soon and don't be so hard on yourself alright? We'll always be supporting you!"

"Yes, of course he's our baby boy." Kai caught his 2nd sister yelling from the background.

He finally hung up after what seemed like eternity and slouched back onto the backseat, he missed them. He missed them so much that his heart was hurting literally. They were his motivation to why he so badly wanted to taste success on his lips more than anyone else in EXO because these people, they had expectations of him and he refused to fall short of them. From being just another kid who was passionate for dancing to a small trainee in E.M.E for 5 whole teenage years to finally debuting in EXO, he couldn't lose it all now. No, he will not.

He'd rather bend than break.
 

It was 12 midnight sharp and Reina spent the quietest Christmas ever in her living, away from her parents and the noisy Arisa. She sat on her armchair in the hotel, a cup of hot chocolate in her hands as she watched the bright colorful fireworks play, lighting up the dark soulless sky and falling onto Earth like stars celebrating Christmas in full glory. Her phone buzzed against the glass table and she peered down to see a green pop-up notification and a smile threatened to appear on her face but faded away leaving no trace. 

 

Merry Christmas,

Jongin. (00:00)