Warning: this is 4,973 words long. I hope you don't fall asleep when reading this haha ♥

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A thud and a small beep followed close as you entered the dorm and let the door behind you locked back by itself. Wrinkles made its way to your forehead. Luhan supposed to be at the dorm and he usually welcomed you as soon as he heard the door beeped open. Especially when he was alone in the dorm like tonight, was he in the shower? Did he already sleep? But you heard the television.

You stopped by the kitchen to take some water. The dorm was empty because the other members left for SMTown concert in Japan, and it made you super cautious to your movement. Small sounds could echo through the whole place and made an uncomfortable feeling. Like another level of loneliness? Sort of.

With a bag of food on one hand and a big glass of water on the other, you made your way to the living room, to find your boyfriend stood there. He didn’t even turn his head, looking far to the sky through the big window of the dorm, fully neglecting the television on the room. You sighed and a small smile crept up your face. How this guy made you worried for not showing any sign of his presence.

You were going to scold him but as you look closer, you could see his eyes were really wandering far. It seemed like he was on a deep thought? Was it that thing again? He let out a long sigh and that’s it, you decided it was time to wake him from his daydream.

Soundlessly, you put down the food you bought and the glass of water down on the coffee table. Still silently, you sneaked a hand on his waist all the while standing next to him. You could feel Luhan flinched for your sudden appearance and contact. Only to second later he smiled wide and lifted his arms, wrapping it around your shoulder and pulled you closer. As if he was hugging you from the side. “You startled me,” he said thoughtlessly. “I heard the beep, but I thought I was hearing things,” he added with a chuckle.

You laughed along and snuggled closer. “Next time you should check. Lucky, it was me, what if it was robber or some other bad guys, and you thought you were just hearing things,”

Luhan just nodded and mumbled ‘okay, okay,’ and his focus was back to the dark sky. There were barely stars. Not because the bad weather but because the lights of Seoul was too bright that it over shone the stars. “Missing China?” you asked hesitantly. He had been sensitive about that topic these days, more over since he was sick some days ago and given the chance to meet his parents when he was in Beijing.

Out of your expectation, he took a deep breath before nodded a little. “Am I that obvious?”

With full attention, your head looked up at him. Whether he didn’t know, or he refused to look back, Luhan keep staring outside. “No. You actually looked like you were thinking something. But you always said that you usually missed your hometown when you were alone at night, and bored. I was just guessing,” you ended with a nonchalant shrug.

He finally looked back at you, his eyes held a lot of things and it actually bothered you. Luhan just stared at you for some more passing seconds until he pulled your head closer, and gave a long deep kiss on top of your head. You were startled with his sudden gesture but you couldn’t do anything except blinked in confusion.

Luhan was normally touchy but not all kissy. He would frequently pull your hand just to link it with his, hugged you out of nothing, and stay as close as possible with you. But not with kiss, even if it was just a peck or on the cheek or forehead, he would just do it once in a while because he was too shy. Even you have to pull on him to initiate the kiss, sometimes. He loved being close but he was too timid for being intimate.

So this was quite something.

“Your coat is freezing. How cold is it outside?” he asked and let go before you could say anything. Calmly, he took you by the hand and guided you to follow him to sit on the sofa. Noticing the package of food, he dragged it closer before curiously opened it.

“I thought you wanted honey chicken lately, so I bought some, and there’s a new dim sum café two blocks from my house, because it’s been quite some time since the last time you eat almond tofu, I bought some too. But eat accordingly, remember you are allergic to almonds, you know your limit,” you explained as he took out each box from the package. “And about cold, not that cold, but I have to admit it’s too cold to walk alone,” you ended the slight joke with a small smile and a nonchalant shrug, again.

You developed that habit of talking about your effort like it was nothing as you grew more mature, and developed it even more since you met Luhan. Luhan was always such a kind person who would always thought he was being burdensome for the people around him. That insecurity of him subsided a little if the people around him didn’t look so thoughtful.

Oh please, don’t worry, he would always find the good thing about others and could always find something to be grateful for anything people did or gave to him, even if they did it harshly or gave it by throwing. That’s just how kind Luhan was.

He jumbled the box one by one, matching the contents with your words, his eyes beamed with childish happiness.

“The only thing left is taro bubble tea, but I don’t think we’d appreciate the ice cold bubble tea in such weather,” you added while taking off your coat. Now that you’re inside with a heater, it would eventually warmer soon.

After he finished checking, he turned himself fully to face you, a wide smile pestered on his face and even reached his eyes, making a pure crease of smile. Luhan scooted closer to you to reach your head and gave your hair a measurable mess. “You’re the best,” he said, giving you a thumb up when he was done messing with your hair.

“Yet you ruin my hair,” you jokingly scoffed and leaned your side to the backrest of the sofa. “But is it okay for you to eat those kinds of things? I mean you just recovered, if there’s anything I don’t know or what,”

“Nah, it’s fine. It’s not like I was sick because of bacteria or virus or some kind of allergy,” he shrugged your worry off and opened the chopstick’s wrapper before digging the chicken. “Why did you only buy one portion? You are not on diet or something, right?”

You laughed at his assumption. Diet what diet. You didn’t do diet. You’re happy as you are and Luhan was just as happy, so why bother? “Of course not, I already had dinner at home, my mom would mad if I didn’t eat. I bought these because I remembered you had wanted them for days now,” you explained and stood up, going to take him some water since the earlier was yours. “What do you want for drink?”

But suddenly you sat back again on the sofa with a thud. You finally realized that Luhan reached for your hand and pulled you back, even his hand was still on yours now. “Can’t I just drink your water? Do you mind?”

Out of reflex, you shook your head. There was no reason for you to not share your water with him, it’s not like you have never did anyway.

“Then I don’t need anything. Just stay here,” he said softly, still eating his chicken. His hand finally left yours but he scooted to sit closer all the while dragging the chicken on the table to stay in front of him.

You were sure you had crease on your forehead but you didn’t care. Luhan was being extremely touchy and clingy tonight and you didn’t quite understand. You would ask, but you already know the answer, he would ask if he didn’t usually like this. And you knew better Luhan wouldn’t accept lame answer like ‘yes, but this is more than you usually’ since it’s not something that could actually be measured. The perk of having a smart boyfriend.

So you shoved your question to the back of your mind and fulfill his unsaid wish to stay close. You turned back to your earlier position, resting your side on the backrest, now even folding your legs together and slightly put your knees on his thigh while you hugged them loosely. The next minutes were spent by Luhan eating on silence and you staring at Luhan in silence too.

His skin was slowly turning back to its former glow, even though it was still a little bit paler than his skin usually. The creased on his forehead was long gone. But his eyes seemed to have a lot of thoughts, ever since he was sick earlier. And his jaw had gone sharper because Luhan lost some weight when he was sick. One more thing you realized about his jaw was, it stopped moving.

You straightened your head to look at him better. And Luhan was indeed stopped chewing, he stopped eating and he was on reverie. You turned your head closer towards him but he still didn’t realize. Both his elbows rested on his knees, one hand still holding empty chopsticks and his eyes were gazing through the glass of water.

If it’s just an ordinary day, you would pull a joke saying that the glass would shatter if he kept on looking at it. But tonight was not ordinary at all. Since the beginning, he didn’t aware of your arrival, he was caught on daydreaming, startled when he knew your presence, being super touchy and now he was on daydreaming again, while he was eating. Something was obviously off.

Carefully so you wouldn’t startle him again, you sat up straight, your hand slowly made its way to his shoulder. “Luhan..?” you called meekly as your hand raised and gave his shoulder a light squeeze.

Luhan blinked and came back to life. He turned to you and smiled, that smile didn’t even reach his eyes. His hand with the chopstick moved to pick some more chicken but your other hand stopped it mid way. Still slowly, you took the chopstick from him and put it down, he didn’t resist at all.

“Something is wrong, isn’t it?” your hand on his shoulder pulled him so he would face you.

Your strength would mean nothing without his will, but surprisingly, Luhan cooperated and faced you. However, his head remained hang low.

You sighed and lowered your head until he could see you. “Luhan? Come on, we’ve promised we won’t hide anything from each other or being selfless or whatnot, unless we want to end up like those couples on the drama,” you patted where his neck and his shoulder met.

He let out a short laugh at your comment and lifted up his head, you were following close. “That conversation never left my mind,” he said shortly.

A bunch of questions invaded your mind. What conversation? Of who with who? When? Where? But you were aware of Luhan’s state right now and decided continuous question wouldn’t be the best decision so you just lifted your eyebrows and squeezed his shoulder again, encouraging him to continue.

“That one we had when I was starting to get overstressed and constant headache, remember?” mirroring yourself, he leaned his side on the backrest, his hands reached for you free hand, the one once took the chopstick from him.

“Ah, when I visited your rehearsal?” You remembered the day vaguely, it was just a normal day you visited his rehearsal with the other members. But you two stayed longer and talked quite a lot, you didn’t forget the conversation at all. “Why?”

“That time I told you about my worries right? And what if I terminate my contract? I know you might’ve taken my words as joking, but I actually wasn’t,” he looked you straight in the eyes, as if asking for help.

You blinked twice and it seemed like your eyes unconsciously grew bigger. Your answers and responses to him that time were serious, but you couldn’t deny that you thought he was just half-joking. Some kind of brainstorming conversation, you thought. “Really?” you asked calmly because you didn’t want to sound angry or against him, because you didn’t. “The reasons are the same?” You could recall he mentioned his parents, his health condition and the agency’s treatments towards him. But there was no detail.

Luhan twisted his lips to the side for a second, thinking. “The reasons are quite complicated actually, and the factors to consider too were quite a lot,” his words ended in whisper and he looked away slightly.

He was in a lot of burden and stress, it literally pained you to see him like this. Part of you remembered that his words might trail off because he was afraid to burden you with his thoughts too.

“We have the whole night and my examinations week was just over.” Luhan turned his eyes to you again, checking if you were serious about this. You smiled and raised your eyebrows, challenging him.

Thank God, he smiled and took another deep breath, it meant he was going to spill it out. “I don’t know which one is the biggest factor, but it just hit me altogether. I guess they are just influencing each other or something.”

He paused to line up his thoughts and you gave him the time he needed. Your hand that was still on his shoulder gave him a light massage in order to relax him even just a bit. From his shoulder to his neck and back to his shoulder, down to his arm once in a while.

“When we were in Beijing last time, I visited my parents and realized they were getting old without me knowing. They missed me just as much as myself that time, yet they didn’t say anything burdensome like telling me to go home more often, or asking when the last time we met, or how much they missed me. They just hugged me and told me they were happy to see me, asking if I’m doing well, and told me to stay healthy. Realization hit me and I was aware about how much they’ve missed me if it reached the point where they didn’t even express that.

“Ever since I was little, my family is a strict a family but they will support me whatever my choice. I really wanted to be a professional football player back then, my father registered me to the community but I was already too old to be a professional. And then I wanted to study in Korea while I knew nothing about Korean language, yet they still let me. When I was already in Korea, I wanted to accept the chance offered to me to be a trainee, and they gave me the permission again. I became an idol and I could say I can’t come home, and they were still okay.

“The point is, they always support me and what do I give in return? Not coming home forever? Who knows when the agency will let me freely go home?” He sighed again, and his shoulder relaxed a bit with it, as if one of his burdens was taken off.

Luhan paused again, probably thinking the next thing he was going to say. You scooted to give him the glass of water. Which he only sipped a little, and silently put it back on the table. You were going to say something, about his earlier story and about how little he drank, but you decided it was best not to.

“And then the agency. I really don’t know where I should start. They already knew my phobia of heights and it was that bad, but they didn’t consider it at all. I even afraid on taking elevators, but I gathered myself together and encourage myself to take planes, for our fans, for my responsibilities; it’s not like I refused to fly at all, but you know how my agency always made us fly back and forth. For example, we have a concert in Japan, and then we have concert in China two days later; instead of staying some days more in Japan and then fly to China, or fly to China right away and stay there some days more before our concert, they would make us fly back to Korea as soon as possible and then fly us back to China a few days later. That was too much for me to take, I almost feel anxious 24/7 due to this. What is so hard about letting us, at least me, to fly right to the next destination? Oh my god,”

You could see he was getting furious. Even though his tone remained the same, but the speed of his words was increasing. Swiftly took the glass of water again, you handed it to him while you keep on holding it. “Drink it until the mid point, it will help you calm down,” you said softly, didn’t want to sound like you were ordering him around.

Luckily, he realized you were right so he drink it halfway. Wordlessly, you put it back.

“Moreover, when I asked them for a detailed future plan, they refused to give me any. I mean, come on,” he calmed himself with a sigh, “I am basically not allowed to go home, at least I want to know if I have some spare time in the future so I can plan ahead if my parents or any relatives would come over.

“I can’t even complain about the different treatment they gave for Chinese and Korean members. I couldn’t blame them if they hated Chinese so much, so does it make me have to blame myself for being Chines—“ you stopped him by grabbing the shirt on his chest. You absolutely hated it when he blamed himself, especially for something that wasn’t his fault at the first place.

He seemed to understand your gesture so he wearily looked at you in the eyes. “And you know my health problem, I was already easily sick since I was still in China; their schedule and the pressure they gave us is just, whoah, inhuman.” Luhan let out a long sigh and he closed his eyes, his hand came to his head, fingers massaging his temples.

You took the demeanor as he was done so you pulled him in hug. One long hug where you tightly wrapped your arms around his neck. Your nose scrunched as you were considering which one you should bring up first, you decided you would just go backwards from his stories.

“You are easily sick and easily stressed over things, I believe we could work the second problem but I don’t think so with the first. It’s your body limitation and you shouldn’t go push over the things you couldn’t. If you insist, you are killing yourself, you may want to just shrug it off and pull your best until it knock you out, but can you imagine how the people who love you would feel? Your parents, your members, your fans,” you stopped a little and wondered if it would be fine to be a little smug, “me.”

You could feel he let out a short laugh at your shoulder. By the time, he wrapped his arms loosely on your waist, still preoccupied with his thoughts. A small smile made its way to your face when you realized you made him laugh, even just a mere second. “You tried your best to go after the schedule and you couldn’t, so you should go to them and talk about rescheduling. You tried to talked to them and they didn’t even listen, so that’s it, you should leave. And the cycle basically works with anything in the matter of your agency.

“You tried to ask for permission to see your relatives and they didn’t give you, so you should ask your agency for a detailed future activities for you to tell your relatives when is the best time to come and see you, when the agency didn’t give it either, then that’s it, you should leave.

“You couldn’t help that you are a Chinese, but you could fix it by working as hard as the Korean members, when they couldn’t even see it and still treat you differently, that’s it, you should leave. What is so wrong with being a Chinese anyway? What is so wrong with being a human? It’s not like they are gods or such.” You took a deep breath, aware of the anger coming slowly. At least one of you had to keep stable to solve the problems.

“You already told them about your phobia and they didn’t care, you tried to pull it through but you’ve reached your limit, you told them again and they still didn’t listen, and that’s it all, you should really leave.” By the end of your words, you pulled him apart, holding him with both hands on his jaw, carefully studying his tired face.

“When people said push it till your limits, they didn’t want you to dumbly go past it. They told you to push until your limits, and check if it is safe to pass them. If it isn’t then don’t be an idiot and jump through it. We are basically humans, every humans has their own limitations. Me too. You too, Luhan.”

You could read from his eyes that he was carefully understanding your words one by one, thinking if it was right or not and what it has to do with his case. His eyes were glistening but you were unsure if he was going to cry or he was just too tired with all of this.

“As about your parents, I’m quite positive all parents will support every decision of their kids as long as it is not harming. So I just want you to think about it carefully which one you wanted most. I am not trying to make you stay, I just don’t want you to regret this decision, that’s all, because you know I will support you no matter what.” And that was the thing you wanted to say to him the most. That you would be there for him and with him, no matter what.

He looked so bewildered that he even flinched at himself. You didn’t have any idea of what to do anymore. You’ve tried your best to explain it from the fairest position but he seemed to still have a lot on his mind.

Suddenly, one of his hands slipped off from your waist and cupped your face. He kissed you abruptly but still in a soft manner. His eyes were closed and his face was pained from his own worries, you could almost feel the same pain he was feeling as you close your eyes and returned his gesture. The kiss was deep and he leaned to you as if leaning to you was the only way for him to earn some energy he needed.

It didn’t take him too long for him to pull away in a painfully slow motion. His hand slid to the back of your hair, burying its fingers between your hairs. His eyes were down on something that might be the stain on your jeans, or maybe the way you fold your feet; you didn’t really care because you knew he wasn’t really looking at something anyway.

“What about our members and our fans? I’m one hundred percent sure they haven’t fully recovered from Kris..” but he trailed off. Not sure what to say about Kris’ issue earlier this year.

You pulled down your hands, resting lazily on your lap. “Not only them, I will obviously hate you too—“ He suddenly looked up, his eyes were burning with worry and guilt, but your eyes shone the opposite, “—if you didn’t let me know any of what’s happening on you. See, I know now and I’m not even a step closer to anger. The same goes with them, you may think it’s best to just leave; but trust me, letting them know would be a wise choice. They are your family, your supporters, and your sources of energy; let them know, and they will understand.” You gave him some firm nods to make him believe you.

“How EXO-M will be? I mean, it would be only four of them, and they lost one of their vocalists.” Yet, Luhan still worried of everything he’d left.

“As long as your members are fine, then that’s all. About how they would go on and how they would cope about the vocal; it’s the agency’s responsibility. Their responsibility for not taking a good care of their talent while their talent already tried all his best.” By this, Luhan looked up at you with warm eyes, the burden still existed, but it was starting to melt.

Luhan finally relaxed himself with a deep exhale. His shoulders came down, his neck was not strained anymore, and the most important thing, a sincere smile formed in his lips, this time it reached his eyes. “Then what about you? Are you really going to implement your former plan?” He reached your hands and fiddled your fingers lightly.

Your mind wandered for a bit, trying to recall what month it was. “I am. You know how I’ve always been in Seoul for my whole life and I wanted to go abroad, my parents never really against it though, since they understand my state, even though they will eventually miss me some time, but they let me go.

“Unlike you, I still have my siblings, my brother has been in Japan with our uncle since he was born, I told him my plan and he is still considering the proper time to actually move back here, and I still have my sister in home, my parents won’t be lonely.

“Especially if they know they have you and your family to look after me, they will be more relieved than if they have no one.” You raised your eyebrows to ask for his agreement. Luhan knew very well how your parents liked him, and they’ve shared some phone calls with his parents in China.

“Sadly, I can’t just fly to China and continue my college. I need to wait until the end of the semester, but I’ll prepare the admission from now, so I can quickly take care of it and move as soon as the semester ends, which is approximately February?” You counted in your mind, you would take at least four-five months to go after him. Automatically, you convinced yourself that five months were not that long and you would cope with it.

“Are you sure?” he asked with lined forehead, he had a glint of feeling that you were just pushing yourself for him.

Without so much word, you nodded calmly. “I’ve told you it’s my dreams since a long time ago, haven’t I? And now that I even have you on my back, what do I have to worry?”

“I’ll take in charge of asking your parents’ permission,” he offered himself with a voice full of will.

No need, actually. You’ve told your parents a thousand times about this plan. You didn’t know whether they grew tired or they pitied you or they basically let you go, but you already held their approval in your hand. Back again, Luhan would be Luhan and he would try his best to be responsible, so you simply nodded again.

The clock in the living room kept on ticking and sounded a couple times louder since both of you didn’t say anything else after that. You studied Luhan carefully, if there was still any worry on him he hadn’t say. Yet, you see none. Luhan was looking at you far inside, half staring, half thinking, it looked like he was absorbing your conversation and tried to take the wisest decision.

A feeling of need to convince him one more time slowly crept up your mind. Slowly, you squeezed his fingers playing with yours thoughtlessly. “The important point you should always remember is, Luhan, you shouldn’t be afraid to be yourself and to reach something you wanted. This is your life, as long as you’ve tried your best and you’ve been responsible, there’s no reason for you to hold yourself back. Be you,” you said the latter words in whisper. Somehow you had a sense that whispers would work stronger at this kind of condition.

 “I’ll talk to the members,” he said weakly with a weak nod as well, but there was a glint of unwavering tone. “Remind me to stay on track.”

You contently nodded in reply before you stole a glance at the still ticking clock. It was getting late. You knew Seoul was safe, but you didn’t dare to challenge yourself to ride bus and walk alone too late.

“I should go home, it’s getting late,” you swiftly pecked him on his forehead. You were just about to stand up when you remembered Luhan’s condition. You retrace your schedule tomorrow and your class for tomorrow wouldn’t start until noon. “Or do you want me stay?” You turned back to a beaming Luhan.

“Just stay,”

I don't even know what I've done with 4,973 words. I'm just quite sure he had been through a lot of stress before he came up to his decision, and I try to reenact it here. Hmm but it seems like I failed hmm. However I truly hope you don't fall asleep when you read this chapter, and I hope you enjoyed this ♥

Oh, and I was going to add this to the foreword, turned out some readers already subscribed to this story (I love you so much ♥) and might missed them if I added it now. Just going to say, this is not actually a sequel of my earlier Luhan's story, Get Well Soon. You could understand this well without reading it, but if you'd rather read it first, I'll be glad ♥

Overall, thanks for bearing my 4,973 words long chapter, I could imagine the future chapter won't be as long as this. And in case it makes things easier, I posted my stories on my tumblr, too. I have yet post this one on tumblr, though, maybe later tonight.

I hope you enjoyed them ♥