Jessica started awake and squinted through half-closed lashes to guard against the blazing red from her clock. It was only 4:30 a.m. but she could tell that Tiffany hadn’t been sleeping next to her. In fact, the other was tossing and turning.

Turning on the lights, rubbed her eyes, “Tiffany,” she said, her voice thick with sleep. “Go to sleep. I can hear your mind screaming at me.”

“You’re not even looking at me,” Tiffany scoffed and tossed and turned again. “Just… go back to sleep. I’m fine.”

Jessica sighed and turned her body to face her girlfriend of five years. “Hey,” she brushed the hair in front of Tiffany’s eyes and her cheek. “Why are you not sleeping? Want to share what’s bothering you?”

“No,” Tiffany worried her bottom lip and sighed. “I don’t know. I’m not sure how to explain.”

Jessica hummed and moved her body closer to Tiffany. “Is it about… what I said yesterday?”

Tiffany didn’t answer but Jessica understood what it was all about. It was about marriage, it was about what they were going to face in the few years… probably months. Jessica didn’t like to think about it either, but it was something they needed to go through together. Since the very beginning they knew it was bound to happen anyway. Life is no fiction where suddenly you’re accepted for being someone that society deemed as abnormal. This was reality, this was real life, and people like them… they’re not accepted. There was hardly a place for them here.

They can’t go against their parents just like that, too. They can’t just come out to their families and say, “Please accept me and stop expecting me to become the person the society expects me to be. Please love me for who I am.” However unfair it was, their parents have raised them and it was only fair if they did as what their parents told before they started a life of their own. They just didn’t have the heart to hurt them by acting rebel. It was complicated, it was difficult, and it was very, very unfair for everyone… but when it comes to love without full acceptance someone was bound to get hurt in the end.

“Tiff,” Jessica whispered, “don’t think too much about it. Let’s cherish the present and the time that we have now. Don’t make me lose you sooner…”

“Yeah, okay,” Tiffany nodded and closed her eyes, but not moving any closer to Jessica. “Now go back to sleep.”

“Tiffany—”

“Jess, please. Go back to sleep.”

Jessica knew it was a plea, not a request nor a suggestion. She sagged and nodded after a minute. Pulling back her arms off Tiffany, Jessica turned her back on Tiffany and curled into a tight ‘C’ shape to sleep. But it was nothing personal, they both knew, it just had always been like that, Jessica always slept that way these days.

(Jessica faintly remembered the time when they used to sleep in a sated tangle, arms and legs threaded together and faces close, but it hadn’t been like that for nearly three months.)

Exhausted, Jessica flicked out the lights as she smiled wearily to the two happy people in the frame photo on the nightstand. Where did those two happy people go?

 +

Jessica woke up to a cold, empty side of bed when she woke up. The alarm was ringing idly on the nightstand, and the drink Tiffany brought in from last night had soured. Looking outside, it drizzled. The water droplets oozed down the window, slow and mist-like, barely there, but enough to distort the amber glow of the morning sunlight.

She heard the shower running and an off-pitched singing with ‘ouch’ and ‘argh’ slipped in between them, and Jessica knew Tiffany must have had soap in her eyes. Silly, she thought, and there was a hollow feeling from thinking of Tiffany and their relationship lately. They used to shower together and made silly soap hair or moustache, and they would sing together and laughed until their stomach hurt… but Tiffany didn’t even wake her again like she used to. She felt like crying.

Getting up from bed, Jessica gathered all of her strength to put a smile on her face and walked into the bathroom. Peeking inside, Tiffany was inside the shower, and the steam from the water was rising up and covering her body as if she was a magical creature coming to life. She probably was, Jessica thought, but she was immediately disheartened when she saw the red rimmed eyes of Tiffany when the other turned around.

It broke her heart, because she knew she was the one who caused the sadness. Dejected, she shut the door and quickly walked out the room, determined to prepare and serve the breakfast before Tiffany followed her outside and scolded her for the burnt meals.

While cooking, Jessica thought of what they were talking the previous day. If Tiffany had planned to find her the Mr. Right, then she too also had a plan of her own. She smiled wickedly; it was going to be fun… and it was going to be worth it.