the pain behind the glam

(YG Trapped Prologue)

 

 

 

 

 

SANDARA POV

 

 

 

I woke up with a start. I would have been dreaming for my breath came ragged, but I couldn’t recall what the dream was about. I felt like I just came from a long run. My hand reach for Jiyong on the other side of the bed but he wasn’t there. I sat up quickly but I became nauseous. What the hell has happened? Why isn’t Jiyong with me? Has he left?

 

 

 

It was dawn. I see the faint orange and pink hues from the window. The sun was just about to rise. Jiyong wouldn’t have gone without saying goodbye, right?, I tell myself.

 

 

 

I hear Lena cry and went to her. I saw the empty baby bottles. I had to warm some milk. I was about to leave the room when one of my best friends come it.

 

 

 

“Bommie?”, I asked. I was completely shocked. “What are you doing here?”

 

 

 

“Am I not allowed to have a surprise visit?”, she cheekily answered. She was smiling, like she always has. “Your husband proudly told me you named the twins! He’s downstairs with Tabi and Seungri. I suppose the one crying is Lena?”

 

 

 

I watched Bom walk to the crib and carry Lena. I smiled and nodded at her.

 

 

 

“It surely is a surprise to visit at dawn, don’t you think?”, I but she just smiles. I let the matter rest. My daughter was crying her heart out for food. “Can you carry her for a bit while I make some milk?”, I asked and Bom nodded. I focus on my motherly tasks at hand when my twins decide to make a duet. I hear Bom laugh.

 

 

 

“Tough, isn’t it?”, she joked and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at her. “Yah! Don’t gang up on your mom!”, she tells the twins as if they could understand her and I had to laugh. I could only imagine Bommie as a mom. She’d probably bully her babies into submission.

 

 

 

Or maybe not.

 

 

 

Motherhood is quite life changing.

 

 

 

I walk to them, bottles in hand. Turning it over to check if the milk was too warm before I gave one to Bom and carried Hayi before I fed her. We both stood by the crib, both feeding the twins. The smile never left Bommie’s face. She seems to be enjoying it.

 

 

 

“I’m glad you came, Bommie.”, I say. “I haven’t thanked you yet for all you’ve done.”

 

 

 

“Don’t mention it, Dee. You would have done the same for me.”, she answers without taking her eyes off Lena. “Little Hayi gave me quite a scare though. I thought she wasn’t...I mean...”.

 

 

 

She hesitates and looks at me, afraid she said too much.

 

 

 

“I know. Jiyong told me. He said you were talking to him on the phone while I was giving birth.”, I tell her then I look back at the bundle in my arms. “Hayi is a fighter, right baby?”, I cooed. Her little big brown eyes looks at me and for a moment, I thought I see her lips turn up in a smile.

 

 

 

“Bommie look! Hayi is smiling!”, I tell her and she looks at me incredulously before looking at the other twin. Bom rolls her eyes at me.

 

 

 

“You’re seeing things.”, she teases. Hayi has decided to focus on her meal and not cooperate with me. Her little lips closed around the soft rubber as she finished her meal.

 

 

 

“I know a smile when I see one! Besides, I see them smiling in their sleep.”

 

 

 

“I suppose I should believe you since you are their mother.”, Bom gives in. Lena has gone back to sleep and she carefully placed her back in the crib before coming to me. “Can I carry her?”

 

 

 

I nodded and carefully placed Hayi in her arms. I never really knew how Bom felt about babies. She’s older than me and naturally, she took care of the group but she never gave me the impression that she liked children. I always thought she didn’t have that much patience with them.

 

 

 

“I wanted to come and see them.”, Bom admitted. “Your twins can somehow, calm my thoughts. I mean, just looking at them without any care in the world we live in, soothes me.”

 

 

 

“They’re allowed to have at least, a few years of peace, before knowing the harsh realities of life. But somehow, I want them to remain as pure as they are.”

 

 

 

“You have thought about not going back?”, Bom looked at me. “You want to shield them from the life of a celebrity?”

 

 

 

“Perhaps I do.”, I say truthfully. “I haven’t really thought about it yet but, I like the quiet. If I was given a choice, I’d ask Jiyong to stay with us and hide from who we really are.”

 

 

 

“I can join too, right?”

 

 

 

“Of course! But why would you like to hide with us when your fiancé is the master of discretion?”, I tease. “You have Top and he has amazing powers of invisibility.”

 

 

 

Bom laughed but then, I have the tiniest feeling of uneasiness. It seems like it was forced out of her. Was I thinking too much about this sudden visit?

 

 

 

Lena cries again and my momentary thought about Bom was erased. I pick her up and she stopped crying at once.

 

 

 

“What would I do if you or Jiyong weren’t here and they both start crying?”, I mused. “They both want to be carried at all times.”

 

 

 

“They’re clingy like their dad.”, Bom teased and I laughed. “Well, he isn’t really the only one.”, she added, raising a brow at me. Right, I am rather clingy at times.

 

 

 

The few moments of peace with the twins were broken when the three men in the house came to the room. Top and Seungri wanted to hold the twins as well, so we let them. Jiyong was quite scared so he stood by Seungri’s side, afraid he’d drop Lena. Top seemed to be an expert although he was still awkward. Bom was beside him, hovering but then, I noticed that she wiped a tear away from her eye? 

 

 

 

But then again, it could just be my imagination.

 

 

 

Jiyong holds my hand and I look into his apologetic eyes.

 

 

 

“Are you all right?”, I ask and he nods.

 

 

 

“I have to go with them back to Seoul.”, he tells me and I didn’t even bother to hide the disappointment I felt. “I’m sorry I couldn’t stay long.”

 

 

 

“Just be back when you can, all right?”, I say but I wasn’t really feeling it. He gives my hand a squeeze before giving me a kiss then he lets go. He disappears into the closet to pack his things while I stay with our guests. They were all engrossed with the twins. Even Seungri looked so gentle while carrying Lena. He was even making weird sounds but it seems the baby liked it.

 

 

 

When it was time for them to leave, the twins were back to sleep. I kiss Jiyong goodbye before Bom hugs me. She held me real tight, as if she didn’t want to let go.

 

 

 

“Who knows, I might join you soon. We’d be hiding together.”, she teased. Or I thought she did, until I felt that she meant her words. I hear her sniff and when she looked at me, I knew Bom was trying hard not to cry. “Sandara...”

 

 

 

“Bommie, is something wrong?”, I ask. She never really calls me by my whole name. Well, she does when she’s mad. Bommie shook her head and gave me an assuring smile.

 

 

 

“Enjoy these moments of peace with the twins. Trust me, you’d cherish this.”, she says. “I mean it. Stay away from the television or the tabloids or even the internet. They wouldn’t bring good news. Seungri already told you about the trouble YGE is in, right?”

 

 

 

I could just nod, without really knowing how grave the situation is. Bom hugs me again and I see Top and Jiyong looking at us. Jiyong smiled and I was assured this was just one of those goodbyes we had, like old times.

 

 

 

“Promise me, Dara. Promise me you won’t try to find any news.”, she pressed and I couldn’t answer at first until I felt her tight squeeze on my hands. I noticed her hands were cold but dismissed it as a natural effect of the weather. The autumn chill was about to start. Bom was still waiting for my answer and I nodded.

 

 

 

“I promise.”, I assure her. 

 

 

 

“I’ll try to come as often as I could.”, Bom added. “I’ll miss you, Dara!”, she smiles at me before she joins Top in his car.

 

 

 

And that was the last I saw of them.

 

 

 

It was Christmas when Jiyong came back. I heard a car pull up the front door and peeked. It was a company car and when I saw my husband’s manager, I knew he has come. I ran upstairs to pretend not to care. I was just so angry from not having heard any news from him. 

 

 

 

I pretend to read while the twins slept but my whole attention was on the footsteps coming from outside. He was just about to peek through our bedroom door when I hurled a Haruki Murakami classic at him.

 

 

 

“Dara!”, he shouted and it startled the twins, as well as the loud thump that the book made as it collided with our door and the floor. I immediately went to them but I could hardly carry them both. I had no other choice but to let Jiyong help me.

 

 

 

“What was that for?”, Jiyong hissed when Hayi and Lena were quiet. I could just glare at him. We settle them back in the crib before we leave the room. I call for Nana to stay with the children while Jiyong and I were in the living room.

 

 

 

I was angry.

 

 

 

I was really angry.

 

 

 

“Mind explaining why I got welcomed by a flying book?”, he asked, trying to be cheeky. He reached out but I shrugged his hands off. “Dara...”

 

 

 

“Mind explaining why you haven’t called?”, I asked. “I called you so many times that I lost count! I tried texting but I never got a reply! Jiyong, the only message I got from you, from the time you left, was when Jjangmae came to put up the Christmas tree! Its been 3 months! I wasn’t sure you were still coming back or if you were still alive!”

 

 

 

“I’m sorry...” I could see in his eyes that he was. His face was distraught and I knew something was wrong. He sighed then sat on the couch. I tried not to feel anything, tried to stop myself from sitting beside him, stop myself from giving him any form of comfort. I stood my ground, hands crossed over my chest, my glare unwavering. “I wanted to tell you, believe me, if I could find a way to reach you...”

 

 

 

“You talked with Nana, why the hell can’t you talk to me?”

 

 

 

“Because we suspected that all our phones were tapped.”, he looked at me helplessly. “I used the company phone when I called Nana. I only told her that someone was coming to put up the Christmas tree because the boss might spend the holidays here. That was just an excuse of coure. I even had to wait until it was late and use a rented car just to come here. Its our first Christmas with the twins.”, he paused, angrily running fingers through his hair. “I couldn’t miss it. You’d hate me more if I did. I’d hate myself more if I did.”

 

 

 

He looked at me helplessly. Jiyong looked so tired. His usual childlike demeanor was gone and his unruly hair, unshaved face was pretty much a give away. He doesn’t usually come out without grooming himself or looking presentable enough. I knew that much about my husband. I almost wanted to crouch down in front of him and tell him, its fine. That I forgive him and I’m happy that he’s home! 

 

 

 

But then, I remember the cupcakes Nana made every time the twins turned a month older. I remember the sleepless nights, worrying over him, checking my phone every now and then while I take care of the twins. I was just as tired as he was! 

 

 

 

“I couldn’t call your phone because anyone could trace it and I will expose your whereabouts. They find you, then they find our twins. I couldn’t let that happen.”, Jiyong finished, and I couldn’t seem to speak. I felt fear rush through me at the mention of our children and the possibility that someone will find out. Its not even about our relationship, one we have kept secret and protected at all costs. That didn’t matter now. I had nothing to lose.

 

 

 

But the scandal that will involve our daughters is not an option to us. If the public finds out about them this early, their lives will never be at peace. I will never be at peace.

 

 

 

“What has happened, Jiyong? Why are our phones tapped...”

 

 

 

“Technically, not “ours”, but just my phone and every active artist in the company. We all confirmed it when Top held a small party at his place. You know how private his little soirees are! The next day, some dating scandal surfaced and even his name was involved.”

 

 

 

“Top?”, I asked. “But he’s...”

 

 

 

“Exactly, he’s the most careful out of everyone in YGE.”, Jiyong sighed again and slouched on the couch. “Have you, by any chance, watched the news?”

 

 

 

I shook my head. All that we ever played in this house were nursery rhymes. We hardly used the television. And even if I wanted to, I couldn’t stay up to watch a drama without falling asleep before it ends.

 

 

 

And then I remember what Bom asked me to promise. I looked at my husband and he was reaching out to me.

 

 

 

“Come here...”, he asked and before I could stop myself, my hand was reaching out to touch his and I was sitting beside him, his head on my shoulder, his face buried on the crook of my neck, his arms around my torso.

 

 

 

I remember we did this before. He just came back from Japan that time and I heard of the accusations against him. An accusation that turned out to be true after he admitted to it. I remember his face so vulnerable. The once proud man I watched on stage was helpless and in need of comfort as the people who once loved him, doubted him and those who hated him, condemned him. We never said a word to each other that time, but I could feel his whole body shaking against me. I could feel his tears on my neck. 

 

 

 

Tonight felt just like that night, except, he wasn’t shaking and crying.

 

 

 

“What’s wrong, Ji?”, I asked. “Tell me, please. I’m your wife. I am supposed to share the burden.”

 

 

 

“Let’s just stay like this.”, although his words were muffled on my shoulder, I understood. “Its the first time I’m going to sleep without thinking of you and missing you, Lena and Hayi. Its the first time I’m never going to bed scared of what will happen tomorrow. Please Dara, let’s just stay like this.”

 

 

 

“Okay...”, I say.

 

 

 

That night, we fell asleep on the couch. Even in a cramped space and uncomfortable position, I managed to feel quite rested. He said that it was the longest and deepest sleep he has had in months.

 

 

 

“You’re my home, Dee.”, he says before kissing me. “I’m home now.”

 

 

But that was too good to be true.

 

 

 

Christmas hasn’t even ended but he had to go back to the city.

 

 

 

And its all because of work.

 

 

 

Just that.

 

 

 

I never told him that I chanced to sneak a look at his phone when it lit up, as a message was delivered. There was no name. Just a number. The characters were in Chinese.

 

 

 

And it said, “I miss you.”

 

 

 

I had enough lessons in Mandarin to know but I didn’t have enough courage to ask when I hear him come out from the bathroom. I pursed my lips and watched as he put on his clothes and pack his bags. I was carrying Hayi, and she was holding my hand. She made a gurgling sound and I looked at her. All my questions obliterated as I see her smile at me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 1, 2015

 

 

 

“Happy New Year!”, Seungri, Daesung and Minzy exclaimed. Chaerin and Youngbae had small little trumpets they were blowing on, while Top and Bom carried the twins. I looked at the confetti raining above me, still trying to remember if it was indeed, New Year. 

 

 

 

Last night, after tucking the twins to sleep, I hear a car arrive and as I’d hoped, Jiyong came back. We asked Nana to stay with the twins while we slept peacefully in the living room. Since Jiyong left on Christmas, its been the only uninterrupted sleep I’ve had. Groggy and still quite sleep depraved, I force my eyes to open and orient myself back to the present.

 

 

 

“New Year?”, I asked and Jiyong groaned, already pulling me back but I shook him awake instead.

 

 

 

“Why the hell is it so noisy?”, he slurred, his eyes still closed. One arm covered his head while his other hand still on my waist.

 

 

 

“Why the hell is Dara-noona still blushing?”, Seungri teased. “Dara-noona, its not as if you haven’t slept with him before! You have twins now for crying out loud!”

 

 

 

I felt my face burn as my circulation decided to rush to my head. I seized a throw pillow and aimed at Seungri who was able to dodge fast. I was livid. I just woke up and I wasn’t quite in the mood to be teased. Before I could lunge myself at Seungri, I feel strong arms grab me by the shoulder and then I couldn’t see anything. Jiyong has pulled me back on the couch and covered me from everyone else. I could hear the ladies laugh and the men groan.

 

 

 

“Hyung, please, we didn’t come here to see you two cuddle.”, Daesung complained.

 

 

 

“Let’s leave them!”, I hear Bommie say. “I can smell freshly baked muffins from the kitchen!”

 

 

 

“Noona, if you were a hunter, your prey will never be able to escape even when its miles away from you!”, Youngbae joked then I heard him say “Ouch!”

 

 

 

I grinned. I was sure Bom’s hand was able to leave a mark on Youngbae’s arm. I hear the shuffle of footsteps and I knew they were headed to the dining area. I could also smell the sweet scent of blueberry muffins and freshly brewed coffee. My eyes adjust until I could see again or perhaps Jiyong moved to let me breathe properly. I looked up and saw him watching me.

 

 

 

“Good morning!”, he says before kissing me.

 

 

 

“Morning,” I answer back. “Did you sleep well?”

 

 

 

“I did.”, he says and kisses me again.

 

 

 

“Ji...”, I managed to say when his lips left mine, only to kiss my jaw and my cheek. “We have to get up. There are people in the house!”

 

 

 

“Let them be! I want time with my wife.”, he says against my ear and I almost giggled but then i felt something on my feet and perhaps Jiyong did as well because he stopped and looked at me with wide eyes. He raises himself, his elbow against the sofa and I followed suit. Two little pairs of hands were touching our tangled legs. One was trying to bite on Jiyong’s, while the other was hitting mine with her small palms.

 

 

 

“You two should really get up.”, Chaerin says from the foot of the sofa, her arms supporting Hayi while Minzy was prepared to catch Lena if she every falls off Jiyong’s leg. “Don’t worry, we pretended not to know what you were both doing.”

 

 

 

“The twins are not prepared for another sibling.”, Minzy added. “Not when they can hardly protest.”

 

 

 

Jiyong laughed, kissed me, then said “I love you”, before he sat up, holding his arms out for the twins. He was too fast, I had a hard time catching up and I could only shake my head. My friends gladly deposited both babies in his arms and he began showering their chubby faces with kisses. I could hear him coo to their little ears as he stood up and head for the dining area.

 

 

 

“Go follow him.”, I tell both my girls. “I’ll just have to change into something more decent.” I cringed at the long pink cashmere robe I wore. Good thing I had a cotton tank inside it or else, I would have shown everyone my when the sleeve hang loosely on my right shoulder.

 

 

 

“No wonder he buried you beneath him.”, Chaerin teased with one brow raised. I could just shake my head at her. “Be fast! I’ll save you a muffin!”

 

 

 

 

 

When I came back down, in much more presentable clothes (i.e. sweatpants), breakfast was served. I was surprised that they were all quiet around each other. Bom was beside Top and they were whispering. Seungri, Chaerin and Minzy were by the twins while Daesung and Youngbae were in a serious conversation with Jiyong.

 

 

 

“Is everything all right?”, I asked as I joined them, feeling every bit uneasy, as if I walked in on all of them being awkward, but they all just smiled. They saved a seat for me beside Jiyong and I had a glass of milk, bacon, eggs and a muffin. Hayi and Lena were sitting on their chairs, tapping on their tables, looking so entertained by it. They were even smiling at our friends. Could they possibly recognize these people around them?

 

 

 

“Dara-noona, I think you lost weight since the last time I saw you.”, Seungri observed. “You should really eat a lot. You need strength!”

 

 

 

“I eat a lot, the problem is having to get up in the middle of the night when they’re both screaming.”, I complained but already biting into Nana’s delicious muffins.

 

 

 

“Sorry...”, I hear Jiyong say, his hand got mine and kissed the back of it. Good thing no one teased us, for I already know I was blushing like a ripe tomato on the spot. I chanced to glance at Top and Bom across from us and I felt like they also wanted to apologize. But for what? My thoughts were interrupted when Minzy spoke.

 

 

 

“Do you think they remember us from the time they were born?”, she asked while she played with Hayi. “Look at them smiling! They seem to like people a lot.”

 

 

 

“That’s surprising.”, Jiyong muttered with a grin and I laughed. “Are you sure they’re my daughters?”, he teased. “As far as I remember, we weren’t this welcoming to people! Especially annoying old uncles and loud aunties!”

 

 

 

I couldn’t count the protests that followed or the number of hands that hit Jiyong because suddenly, I hear angelic laughter. I looked at the twins and they were both looking at Jiyong with bright eyes and every time someone hit their dad, they would laugh. My attention caught by the two cherubs, I hit Jiyong’s arm and he answered with a loud, “Ouch! What was that for?”

 

 

 

As i suspected, Hayi and Lena laughed and everyone stopped to look and listen.

 

 

 

“Seungri, hit him again.”, I say.

 

 

 

“Dara~~~ah!”, Jiyong whined and the twins laughed again. This time everyone else joined in and Jiyong stood up to get the twins, one after the other, muttering about “I’ll teach you a lesson when you laugh when someone is hurting your dad!”, but he was smiling. He swings the babies, one after the other, in his arms and they laugh even more.

 

 

 

Needless to say the sound of the twins’ laughter made me forget my worries or even  remember feeling completely left out when I hadn’t heard a single news from my friends. The feeling of contentment remained with me as I watched everyone that I loved smile and laugh. This is just how I remember us. This is how it is supposed to be.

 

 

 

“You’re so lucky, Dara.”, Bom says while we changed the twins’ diapers in the bedroom. “I mean, if I knew things would be so hard, I would have asked Tabi to get me knocked up even before all these disaster began.”

 

 

 

“Bommie, things will die down eventually. You should be used to it by now.”, I tried to comfort. “Is the Board being too hard on you?”

 

 

 

She looks at me with eyes that were b with tears but then, she looks away again. I could tell, Bom wasn’t all right at all. I give her all my attention and put a hand on her shoulder.

 

 

 

“Tell me what’s wrong.”

 

 

 

“Dara, its nothing.”

 

 

 

“Its not just “nothing”! We’ve known each other for too long that I can tell when something’s bothering you! Bom, please tell me. Maybe I can help! We are friends,  sisters even, remember? You were my shoulder to cry on, then why can’t I be yours? I’ve been feeling left out a lot these days. I haven’t heard anything from you or Chaerin or Minzy! I am worried, okay? I know I have a lot on my hands at the moment, taking care of twins and all but, I am still your friend.”

 

 

 

“I know that, Dara.”, she smiles at me then holds my hand. “And I miss you. Honestly, if I could, I’d hide here with you and help you take care of the twins. But I have my own troubles to brave. No one else can help me. Not even Seunghyun. All you need to know at this moment, is that I’m fine and I’m strong enough. The Board is hard on everyone. This is the only time I saw Chaerin and Minzy again.”, she admits. “They were busy with other things while I had to do my own stuff. You’re not supposed to feel left out. Count yourself blessed.”

 

 

 

“But...”

 

 

 

“No buts, Dee.”, she insists and gives my hand a reassuring squeeze before she lets go. “You have to enjoy this peace.”

 

 

 

“You know I’m here for you, right?”

 

 

 

“I have never forgotten that. Thank you, Dee.”, she says before sealing the diapers in place. She carries Hayi while I held Lena. “Won’t they choke on these necklaces?”, Bommie held a pendant on her hand. It was a butterfly that glittered with sapphires on its wings and white diamonds arranged around it in a circle. Sapphire was the twin’s birthstone. “I assume, Lena has one too?”

 

 

 

“Jiyong insisted that they should have it so that we can tell them apart.”, I answer. “Its his Christmas gift for the twins.”

 

 

 

“Put them on when they’re older! Not when they can still chew on it or worse, choke on it!”

 

 

 

We were interrupted by a loud knock on the door before Jiyong enters. He kisses the twins’ forehead first. “Hi there...”, he greets me but then I roll my eyes at him before i look back at Lena. I put my hand on her tummy scratch it playfully, completely ignoring Jiyong. 

 

 

 

“She’s smiling!”, Jiyong says from over my shoulder. “She’s perfect! They’re both perfect!”, he says then he leans in to kiss me and I couldn’t stop myself from kissing him back.

 

 

 

“Should I take the twins while you start to make some more?”, Bommie interrupted.

 

 

 

“Yes, please Noona!”, Jiyong said against my neck and I could just chuckle and slap is arm with my free hand. My eyes caught Bommie’s as she watches Jiyong and I. Perhaps it was instinct or maybe because we knew each other for so long, that I could tell something wasn’t right.

 

 

 

“He really missed you, Dee.”, she says when she caught me looking. “Top always told me about how he kept whining about you and the twins at work all day.”

 

 

 

“I already asked him to stay with us and hide but he’s such an obedient son to YG.”

 

 

 

“I’m only doing it for all of us.”, Jiyong defends. “YGE is the only protection I have for our family, Dara. I’d do anything just to keep you, Lena and Hayi safe.”

 

 

 

“Believe him, Dara.”, Bom says. “I know. I’ve seen him do everything for you and your children.”

 

 

 

If my best friend says so, the cloud of doubt in my mind disappeared. Jiyong is working so hard for our family. The least I could do was be a good wife and take care of the children.

 

 

 

Even when he wasn’t coming home to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was 2:43 am when I woke up. Its been 4 months since I last saw Jiyong or heard from him. I hardly had any sleep the couple of weeks for the twins just got sick. I doubted I knew what I was doing. I felt so helpless as I hear them cry at every waking moment. The doctors said it wasn’t something serious. It was just a flu.

 

 

 

Flu, my !

 

 

 

They didn’t have to spend every damned day with them, watch them look so weak, hardly having any appetite and crying every chance they got! Every time they open their mouth, it was as if they wanted their screams to be heard all the way to the city!

 

 

 

The doctor said it’ll only be a week.

 

 

 

Its been a week!

 

 

 

Lena and Hayi haven’t changed a bit. They still ate less than they used to. They still kept crying. The still looked weak.

 

 

 

I sit up in bed and listen as the twins begin to cry. I willed myself to get up and carry them but my body wouldn’t move.

 

 

 

“Please stop...”, I pleaded but I know they wouldn’t understand me. “Damn it, I said stop!”, I shouted this time but that only made them cry harder. I don’t even know if I was shaking because of anger or fatigue but I shakily got up and locked myself inside the closet. I let my tears flow and I cried like a baby. I can still hear them so I cover my ears with my hands. 

 

 

 

“Please make them stop. Please...”

 

 

 

I don’t know how long I stayed inside the closet. All I know is that there were pins and needles on my feet as I got up. The twins have stopped crying and they were sleeping  as if they haven’t caused havoc a few hours before. Nana was here. I heard her come in then probably left when they calmed.

 

 

 

I walk out of my room to get some water. I needed to get out. I could feel myself slowly losing it. I felt all control slipping thru my fingers.

 

 

 

“Ms. Dara...”, Nana spoke slowly and I turn to her. “You look unwell. I’ll get you something to eat. Please just take a seat.” She helps me towards the white lazy boy and opens the curtains so that I could see the calming view of the sea. I almost forgot we were in a beach house. She comes back with a glass of orange juice and some food on a tray. She was looking at me like I was about to crumble any minute. 

 

 

 

“Dara, you have to eat.”

 

 

 

“I don’t have any appetite.”, I tell her honestly. She reaches out a warm hand to me and I willed myself not to cry.

 

 

 

“Now isn’t the time to get sick. Your children needs you.”

 

 

 

“I can’t do this alone. I don’t even know if I’m doing the right thing anymore. I need Jiyong.”

 

 

 

“Why don’t you call him?”, she asked.

 

 

 

And that’s when I remember what happened a week before the twins got sick.

 

 

 

I was in the kitchen, looking for something to eat and Nana had left the television on. I was peeling some oranges while I watched the entertainment news and that’s when I saw one of my friends’ face. She was walking out of a tall building with an of men in black suits. People were closing in on her, but what I thought would be the usual fans asking for a sign or the usual friendly hellos, was changed when I saw one hand grab for her hair and another hit her arm, clawing even.

 

 

 

I don’t understand what was happening. All I can hear was her name. The news written below her said that she was being called to show up at the courtroom for drug smuggling allegations.

 

 

 

It can’t be. Not Bommie.

 

 

 

Nana enters the kitchen and she quickly turns off the television. She apologizes quickly while looking at me with a worried expression.

 

 

 

“How long?”, I ask her. “How long has this been going on, Nana? Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

 

 

“Its been a while now, Ms. Dara. Ms. Bom asked my not to tell you.”

 

 

 

“Why would you listen to her?”, I almost screamed. “Are you telling me that when she came here on New Years, this was already happening?”

 

 

 

All she could do was nod. How could I not have squeezed this out of Bom? I should have known! I should have told her to tell me everything! Bom was going through a hard time, a very hard time and I was not there!

 

 

 

“Give me the phone.”

 

 

 

“Ms. Dara...”

 

 

 

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