Nia stirred in her sleep. She felt a pair of hands wrapped around her waist so she turned around.
There he was. The love of her life laid next to her. He looked so peaceful, so vulnerable.
Nia gently pecked his soft forehead. He smelled like musk and baby powder.
“Good morning, handsome.” She whispered.
His body subtly moved in response, but he didn’t reply.
Sometimes Nia would be paranoid. What if she one day she calls for him and he doesn’t answer? What if he will never answer?
The possibility of not be able to hear his voice the life out of her. What if she lost him?
Nia shuddered.
“Darling, what happened?”
Nia glanced up at her husband’s worried eyes.
She laughed nervously. “Nothing happened. Just a silly thought.”
“I love silly thoughts. Is it ?” he grinned from ear to ear.
“It was kind of scary, actually.”
His eyes widened. “Does it involve ghosts?”
Nia pinched his cheeks. “Joonmyeon, you’re a grown-up man. Why scared because of something that doesn’t even exist?”
“First, we don’t know whether they really exist or not. And second, I love hearing my name from your lips.” He said.
“Joonmyeon. Joonmyeon.” Nia smiled. His name seemed to rhyme with all the beautiful things in life. Nia’s happiness, security, and everything will always be in his hand. She knew Joonmyeon will take care of it with his whole life. How she wished it will forever stay that way.

Nia’s worst nightmare was actually happening. Today was the dreadful day. The day she will lose him.
The couple was sitting on the kitchen stools, eyes locking with each other but no words exchanged. It was as if they could reach each other’s mind.
Joonmyeon’s favorite black coffee was cold by now.
Nia hadn’t touched her chamomile tea.
Tick tock the clock was ticking.
The footsteps from outside their apartment door were audible. It was so silent that perhaps Joonmyeon could hear the sound Nia’s hammering heart.
Nia thought about breaking the silence, but the words were stuck inside .
“This is not working anymore.” She could hear Joonmyeon said.
Nia was trembling. Her heart abruptly stopped beating.
She didn’t whether to feel relieved or not when she realized that Joonmyeon was talking about the dining table’s drawer which was damaged by Nia’s nephew. Joonmyeon attempted to fix it for so long. But he gave up today.
Nia wondered when did it start to happen. Was it January when Joonmyeon canceled their 2nd anniversary date because of work? Or was it a week ago when Joonmyeon introduced her to Minah, his new secretary which also happened to be his crush back then when he was in high school?
Nia pondered why did it happen. Was it because she wasn’t reliable enough? Or was it because she wasn’t as caring as Joonmyeon hoped her would be?
She felt ashamed because she wasn’t good enough. She had never been good enough for anyone. That was why Joonmyeon drifted away from her. She knew.
“Are you tired?” Nia asked. Her palms were sweating.
Joonmyeon looked confused, but he nodded anyway. “I am. Today’s a long day.”
Nia wanted to scream so badly.
Are you tired of me? Are you tired of us? Are you tired of everything?
But instead of saying it out loud, she held in in. She clasped her hands so tight it might break.
“Me too. I want to go to sleep.” She stood up from the stool and drunk the tea.
Chamomile used to be her favorite. But now she was sickened by the stingy sweet taste of it. She tried not to vomit or cry because of the bloody tea.
She put her cup at the dishwasher.
“Goodnight, darling.” Joonmyeon said.
But Nia was already gone.

Where am I?
It was Joonmyeon first thought the moment he opened his eyes. He used to be woken up by Nia’s sweet voice, but this morning he didn’t.
He stared at the white ceiling above. He was still in the same room, in the same apartment. But Joonmyeon felt something different.
Nia wasn’t there. The space next to him was vacant, just like his heart.
Joonmyeon tried to be positive.
Maybe she went to the bathroom, he thought.
He slipped on his slippers to check on her. There was no sign of her presence. Even her favorite ankle boots she used to wear everywhere were missing.
Maybe she went to the grocery store, he sighed.

Joonmyeon was in the middle of a meeting. They were talking about joint venture of Kim Corp. and Borneo Oil Company in South East Asia when suddenly Nia’s name appeared on his phone. He declined it without second thought.
The future of his company was more important than Nia right now.
After the meeting was over, he opened Nia’s text.

From : Mine, forever
I just want to inform you that I’m staying at my parents’ for the weekend. You didn’t pick the phone. I guess you’re busy.

Joonmyeon got a new text notification. This time it was from his long-time friend.

From : Sehun
Don’t forget tonight is Kai’s birthday party.

Joonmyeon usually didn’t come to any kind of party, but today he was feeling like it.
He was feeling wild and free.

Joonmyeon directly drove his Mercedes SL to Oracle Club right after work. He was still in his suit and didn’t bother to go back home to change.
Oracle Club was among the most exclusive and famous club in Hongdae. The club wasn’t as big as the others but it was nice. The interior was designed to make the visitors felt like they were in someplace in other land. It really got the magical feel.
The place was crowded. Smell of fancy perfumes, alcohol and cigarettes wafted in the air.
Joonmyeon spotted Baekhyun and Chanyeol were dancing with the girls. Kai the birthday boy was being the DJ of the night.
“Hyung!” Joonmyeon can celearly hear the familiar voice in the midst of blasting music.
He caught Sehun was waving excitedly to him from the bar.
He approached him and they high-fived. “What’s up?” Sehun said with a big grin.
They both used to be part of the high school most popular group, EXO. Although Joonmyeon wasn’t that close with Sehun because of their , he didn’t feel awkward with him at all. They both had their great times together.
“We tried to meet up with you, but never replied. Busy with marriage life, huh?” Sehun joked.
Joonmyeon could only smile.
“Ayo, hyung!” a guy with doe eyes suddenly pulled Joonmyeon into a hug.
“D.O!” Joonmyeon replied with the same excitement.
D.O pulled himself away. “We’ve missed you, hyung. Where have you been?”
“At the office, working.” Joonmyeon shrugged.
“It’s a good thing that you came, though. Sehun had wanted to introduce you to his special someone.” D.O winked at Sehun, causing the latter to blush.
Joonmyeon could see the spark in Sehun’s eyes.
He can tell he was in love.
“Who is this lucky girl?” Joonmyeon smirked in amusement.
“No. I’m the lucky one.” Sehun smiled. His eyes were dreamy.
“Oh, there she is.” D.O pointed at a girl who was coming towards them. Wave of nostalgia came to Joonmyeon.
“You used to like her a lot back then, hyung. I was afraid at first.” Sehun seemed guilty.
Joonmyeon ruffled the magnae’s hair. “What for? It was a long time ago.” He assured.
The girl’s eyes widened in surprise upon noticing Joonmyeon was there.
“Hello, Minah.” Joonmyeon greeted.
“Mr. CEO, what are you doing here?!” Minah couldn’t hide her shock.
“You don’t remember. I’m one of EXO.” Joonmyeon pretended to be hurt.
“Ah, sorry.” She bowed deeply.
“Don’t be so formal with me, Minah. We’re not in the office.”
Minah looked flustered. “Oh, okay.”

Joonmyeon was sitting in the bar with D.O next to him.
Sehun had kidnapped Minah to God knows where.
“Minah is so beautiful, isn’t she? I understand why Sehun likes her very much.” D.O blurted.
Joonmyeon nodded. “She is beautiful.”
“Hey, hyung. Can I ask you a question?”
“Yup.”
“If you happen to meet Minah and Nia in your next life, who would you choose?”
There was silence.
“Hyung?” D.O worried eyes woke Joonmyeon up from his thought.
“I would choose Nia all over again.” He felt warm at heart when he said it.
“Won’t you get tired of her?”
“I would never get tired of her.”

It was almost 2 am when Joonmyeon finally arrived at home. He knew Nia was at her parents’, but he still hoped to hear her soft voice greeting him. No matter how late he was.
Joonmyeon stood by the living room awkwardly.
They lived in a small apartment with two-bedrooms and one bedroom. With their money, they could move to a more spacious place, or even bought a house. Unfortunately Nia had trouble with adapting. She spent half her life time in this place so it wasn’t easy for her to move on. They both agreed would move to a bigger place once they have children.
A smiled formed on Joonmyeon’s lips.
They tried to have children but the attempts failed. Joonmyeon worried more about Nia’s health so he decided not to force her. They believed God will give them children when the time is right.
Joonmyeon was on his way to the bathroom when he saw a red book on the floor.
He picked it up.
It couldn’t be his. He always used his iPad to take notes. It must be Nia’s. He guessed it was just a notebook and there was no use to rummage it, but curiosity got the best of him.
Joonmyeon flipped through the pages.

Belongs to Kim Nia
Book of Pain

1-12-14
He didn’t come to celebrate our anniversary. I guess he’s busy.

Joonmyeon’s heart clenched. That day he was asked to meet the Indian billionaire, one of the company’s most influential client. The company’s name and future were at stake. He didn’t want to let down everyone, especially his father. His father had built the Kim Corp. from zero to hero. Even his father’s last words were, “Take care of the empire, son.”
Anyway, he did celebrate their anniversary. He asked Nia out to dinner the next day.
There were lots of blank page before another writing.

9-25-14
Joonmyeon introduced me to Minah. She was beautiful. I liked her, but I didn’t like the way Joonmyeon stared at her.

Joonmyeon shook his head.
No. Nia was beautifuller than Minah, or even Jessica Alba. Nia was far more beautiful.
Has anyone seen the way her eyes shaped into perfect crescent moon when she was laughing?
The way her eyebrows furrowed when she was immersed in the book she was reading.
The way she slept.
The jumpy way she walked.
The way she talked.
Even Gabriel would be jealous of him. He was lucky to have her.

9-26-14
He’s busy.

9-27-14
He’s busy.

9-28-14
He’s busy.

9-29-14
I’m scared my worst nightmare will turn into reality. Everyone I loved would eventually leave.

9-30-14
I’m lucky that I had him. Once.

There were traces of teardrops on the last page.
It was very hurtful to imagine Nia was crying.
Did she really that he was neglecting her?
Was he too busy to love her?
Now it was Joonmyeon’s turn to be scared. He didn’t want to lose her.
No in’ way.

“Are you sure you’re going to move in?”
Nia nodded at her mother’s question.
There were unpacking the boxes Nia brought from her apartment.
“He probably doesn’t even notice that I was gone.” Nia muttered.
Her mother looked at her sadly.
“Is he that busy?”
“Very busy.”
“But he did it for you too so that he could make a living.”
Nia didn’t reply. She was beyond tired for words. She spent last night awake, thinking of this plan.
“Honey, no one’s too busy for love.” Her father popped out of nowhere.
“Not in this modern era.” Nia mumbled.

Ding…Dong…

“Coming!” her mother shouted and made her way to the front door.
“I feel like work is his first love, and I’m second. No one likes to be second better.” Nia said.
Her father had no answer. He could only walk towards her and patted her shoulder lovingly.
Her mother came back with a stupid grin on her face.
“Surprise… Surprise…,” her mother chirped cheerfully.
Joonmyeon followed behind her mother.
Nia pretended didn’t see him and continued unpacking. Her father was staring back and forth at Joonmyeon and Nia.
“We’re going to leave both of you” her father sighed and left the room.
Her mother whispered something to Joonmyeon and left.

“What are you doing here?” Nia tried to keep her voice as calm as ever but it came out like a hiss.
“Picking up my wife.” Joonmyeon walked closer to her.
“I don’t want to.”
“You look so cute when you’re angry, you know? You look like a pissed kitten.” He chuckled.
Nia glared at him.
“If you’re trying to lure me so I would forgive, you failed.”
“I’m not asking you to forgive me, I’m asking you to please bear with me. You’re important for me, but business is important, too. It’s my father’s legacy.” Joonmyeon explained.
“What if me and your business were drowning at the same time. Whou would you save first, huh? You know I can’t compete to something that isn’t even alive!” Nia shouted.
“That’s not fair, Nia. It’s like asking you to choose between books and me. What would you choose?”
“Of course you, silly! You’re better than imagination!”
“So do I, Nia. I’ll save you because you’re important to me. Do you understand?”
“I don’t understand. Do explain.”
Joonmyeon took a deep breath. “I choose to love you, Nia. I choose to love you just as I choose you dismiss today’s meeting with important client of the company, just to get you. I choose you over anything. I should make you happy. I should never ever make you feel lonely. I’m sorry for making you gone through much pain. I’m sorry for being a jerk.”
Tears escaped from Nia’s eyes. “I’m sorry too, Joonmyeon. I’m sorry to ever think that I could live without you.”
Joonmyeon wiped away her tears and shushed her by gently savoring her lips with his.
It tasted like strawberry and Paris.
He smiled in the middle of the kiss. “Better than you imagination?”
“Better than my imagination.” She replied and kissed him harder.

Thank you for reading. I really enjoyed writing this.