The chaser team ended up winning that night.  It was pretty exciting, you had to admit.  However, later that night, it was no different from any other night.  It was 12:30 when you and Kai got back to your dorm.  Of course, you have your own rooms and bathrooms on different sides of the dorm, but you eat meals together and hang out all the time.  Though, lately, that had begun to change.  Something’s different with you two now and you don’t know what it is.  All you know is that, whatever it is, it is most evident during dance rehearsal at the studio.

“Goddammit!  Why can’t you get this?  We’ve been drilling this move for over an hour.  How stupid can you be to keep messing it up?”

You collapse to your knees, letting Kai yell at you.  It is becoming a regular occurrence as of late.  You pant, trying to relieve that burning in your lungs and throat.  You’re shaking from the pain and physical strain you are putting your body under.  Your arms are barely able to hold you up.

“This is starting to get annoying.  You’re holding us back.”

You try to ignore him, but you know he’s right.  “I’m sorry.  I just need a little break.  I promise I’ll get it after I’ve rested for a bit.”  You try to stand up, but your knees give out and slam hard on the studio floor.  You hold in the yelp that threatening to burst out of your throat.

“Whatever.  I’ve heard that before.”  Kai grabs his water bottle and walks out the door, leaving you on the floor.  Kai always gets a little tense when you aren’t able to keep up with him, but it’s getting worse and worse.  The physical pain is bad enough, but now Kai’s little outbursts are starting to hurt just as much as the dancing.  You want to cry, but you hold it in.

You gather your strength and manage to stand up, your knees shaking like leaves.  You just have to get to your cooler you keep in the corner.  It has all of your ice packs in it.  You manage to reach it, with much and groaning and maybe a little whimpering, collapse next to it and pull out the first packs you see.  Stretching out your legs in front of you, you place the ice on your sweatpants clad thighs.  It’s about 3 seconds or so before you feel the healing cold.

After 10 minutes of deep breathing, you hear footsteps by the door.  Looking up, you see Kai standing in the threshold, one hand resting on the doorframe.  You two lock eyes, but Kai looks away first.  You recognize the look on his face; it’s the same look he gets after all his little tantrums.

He walks over to you slowly, not looking at you.  You look at your legs and rotate your ankles, hissing at the sharp sting running up your shins and down to your toes.  Kai kneels down next to you and pulls two more ice packs out of the cooler.  Sitting cross-legged, he scoots close to your legs and carefully lifts your feet to rest your sore calves across his lap.  He puts the ice packs under each of your calves, making sure to use your pants as a barrier against the frozen surface.

You push your hands against the ground as your protest to the slight movement of your legs.  A small whimper escapes and you immediately bite your lip, embarrassed by the sound of weakness.  You continue to take deep breaths as you feel Kai put his hand on your shin, gently the soft fabric that blocks actual contact.

“I’m sorry.  I know I’ve been a real jerk lately.  There’s no excuse for my behavior,” he whispers.

“We’ve been doing a lot of promotions for our comeback.  You’re just tired.  It’s okay.”  You don’t look at him, your voice quiet.

“No it’s not okay.  You spend more time in here than I do, plus do all of our promotions and you never complain or tell me how much you’re hurting.”

“I spend more time in here because I’ll never be as good as you.  I need to practice more so that I’ll keep up with you.  Everything you said is right; I’m holding us back.  Therefore, I practice.  You know what they say; No pain, no gain.”  You give off a little laugh, but wince as your back shoots a burning sensation to your hips.

Kai grabs your hand from your lap and when you don’t look at him, tilts your chin up so that your eyes meet his gaze.  “Not when the pain prevents you from even standing.  Jagi, I know I’ve been horrible and pushing you really hurt and stuff, but please don’t take any of it to heart and work yourself until you drop.  You don’t need to do that to yourself.  I hate seeing you like this.”  You avert your eyes and gently push his hand away from your face, not saying a word.  His words from earlier and other things he has said to you after losing his temper, sting painfully in your memory.

“Jagiya?”  Kai tried to move into your line of sight.  “Jagi?”  He draws very close to your face, giving you no choice but to look at him.  “I said I was sorry.”  Kai leans forward and presses his lips against yours softly.  You make no attempt to return the affection.  Kai pulls away and gives you a hurt and confused look.  “Jagiya, please.  I’m sorry.  In the future, I’ll try to control myself.  I promise.”

“Don’t.”  It doesn’t sound much like a word as much as it sounds like a breath.  You didn’t dare look at Kai.  If you saw his face now, you might breakdown. 

“What?”  He said it innocently, as if he really didn’t hear you, but you can’t gather the strength to say it again.

“I think we should take a break,” you say slightly louder.  You feel sick to your stomach as you let the horrible words pass over your tongue, but you just can’t take it anymore.  Kai’s remarks repeat over and over in your head and you can’t bear it any longer.

“What are you saying?  Do you think we should break up?”  Kai’s voice cracks at the last question.  He’s still holding your hand, which is now being used as a stress ball considering how tightly he’s squeezing it.  It hurts, but you don’t stop him.

“No, that’s not what I said.  I said we should take a break.”  You can feel yourself shaking; this time not from pain.  Physical pain, that is.

“Why?  Is it because of what I said earlier?  I told you, I’m sorry!  I wasn’t thinking!”  His voice is almost frantic now.

“It’s not just today Kai, it’s every day.  But even so, there’s more than that too.”

Kai’s hand finally releases yours and grips your shoulder.  His other does the same, holding your shoulders tight.  “What?  What else is it?  I don’t understand.”  You finally look up at his face, regretting it instantly.  Kai’s eyes are opened wide in desperation.  He’s breathing heavily and his lips are quivering.

You push his hands away; lift your legs off his and stand up, letting the warmed ice packs fall to the ground.  You’re still really hurt, but it’s easier to bear now.  You limp a few steps away and hear Kai stand up too.

“You don’t feel it, do you?”  You cross your arms over your chest.  Kai runs around you and blocks your path.

“What are you talking about?  Are you feeling neglected or something.  I can fix that.”  Kai reaches out and pulls you close to his body.  He pushes his mouth on yours, attempting to be soft, but the sheer rush causes the kiss to be hard and literally suffocating. 

You stagger back a few steps trying to maintain your balance as Kai runs his tongue across your bottom lip, asking for access.  You place your palms firmly on his chest and push him as hard as you can.  Kai releases you and backs up several steps.  Again, his eyes are wide with confusion.  He really doesn’t get it, you think.  You wipe your mouth with the back of your hand.  Kai watches the action and tries to say something, but only manages to make a few incoherent sounds.

“This is exactly what I’m talking about,” you shout, now fully pissed off.

“Wha…”

“Everything is forced.  There’s no happiness or romance between us anymore.  When we appear on shows we need to be the perfect couple, but everything we do is fake.  We don’t feel anything anymore.  Don’t you see that?  Haven’t you felt it at all?  Sure you notice that we fight more often now, so you tell me to do anything to hide that fact.  But Kai, the problem goes so much deeper than that.  We don’t have the feelings we once did, but everyone expects us to be the same lovey dovey couple we’ve always been.  So, we have to force everything when we’re around other people.  Our true feelings come out in situations like this where there’s no one to lie to.  So no Kai, you don’t get mad because you’re tired, you get mad because that’s how you really feel!”  The anger coursing through your veins temporarily covers the pain.  As you finally let out your true feelings, Kai’s frame physically shrinks, his expression frozen in horror.

Once your speech is done, you finally catch your breath you forgot you need.  Your words hang in the air, weighing down on your shoulders, yet they’re less of a burden now than when they were in your heart.

After a long, deafening silence, Kai sighs.  “So that’s it then.  That’s what was bothering you.  I knew there was something, but I was too afraid to ask.”

Afraid?  “What?  Afraid to ask?  Afraid of what?”  You’re still worked up, so the question comes out harsh.

Kai winces.  “I was afraid you would say exactly what you said.”  Kai looks down at the ground and takes a few steps toward you, looking like a kicked puppy.

You calm down a bit, seeing the change in your boyfriend’s demeanor.  “What did I say?”  Your voice is quiet as Kai continues to approach you.

He doesn’t answer you right away.  He stops no more than just a few inches in front of you.  He reaches out to your sides and gently takes both of your hands, keeping his light grip on your fingers.  You look down at your hands and then up at Kai.  He’s staring down at your fingers, gently rubbing your knuckles.

“That we should take a break.  I didn’t want to hear you say anything that involved me not seeing you, even if it’s just for a little while.” 

You sigh and bring your hand to the side of his face.  At the first touch of his smooth skin, you feel him lean into your hand.  “I think it would be best.  We only have one performance left this week and then a two-week break.  Right after the performance tomorrow, I’m going to go to my best friend’s house for a week.  During that time, we cannot contact each other at all.  No calls, no texts, no emails, no meeting up, nothing.  Absolutely, no contact, okay?”  As you speak, you close the space between your bodies, placing his hands on your waist and putting your own hands on his chest.  It’s 2H1L’s signature stance.

Kai keeps shaking his head back and forth, grasping handfuls of you tank top.  “Don’t do this, Yeobo.  Please,” Kai’s voice squeaks out.  You can feel his chest starting to shake.

“I’m afraid it’s already done, baby.  I talked to the manager about it 3 days ago.”

This is when you see Kai’s eyes start to blur with coming tears.  You feel a painful stab of guilt in your gut, but you had to stay strong.  Things had to change.

A tear finally streams down Kai’s cheek.  He makes no movement to wipe it away, maintaining his death grip on your top.  He bites his bottom lip hard; not in the y way he does for the fans.  You brush the tear away with your thumb, then fun both your hands up to his neck.

“It’s only seven days.  Then we’ll discover how much, if at all, we need each other.”

Kai lays his head in the crook of your neck.  “I’ll always need you.”  He finally releases your shirt and pulls you into a tight hug, knocking the wind out of you.  You have to fight every fiber in your being to not start crying too.  After a minute, you pull back and so does Kai.  Then you lock your lips together in a very simple, very wet kiss that you know will be your last for at least a week.  You’re not sure if it’s your last altogether.

The next day after the performance, the minute you walk off the stage, you go straight to your dressing room without saying a word.  After changing at top speed, you rush out the back door, into your best friend’s waiting car.  Kai runs out just in time to see the car pull out into traffic, but you aren’t looking back.

~Emi