Icarus (Ancient Greek: Ἴκαρος, Íkaros) is the son of the master craftsman Daedalus. Icarus and his father attempt to escape from Crete by means of wings that his father constructed from feathers and wax. Icarus ignored instructions not to fly too close to the sun, and the melting wax caused him to fall into the sea where he drowned.

Warning: brief mentions of and future death

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Kyungsoo goes to his room, heart pounding. He could probably tell Tao the story, it’s not exactly a secret among the students what happened. But it’s different, because Tao is Jaejoong’s student, and Tao and Jaejoong have a thing, no matter how much Tao denies it. If Jaejoong wanted Tao to know, he would have explained it right away. Yes, that’s probably right. It’s not Kyungsoo’s place to talk about the past. Just to be sure, he opens a group chat with Chanyeol, Jongdae, and Baekhyun  to ask for their opinions.

 

From Kyungsoo : Tao just asked me about Kris, I told him to ask Jaejoong. Should I tell him what happened?

From Baekhyun : NO DON’T TELL HIM YOU’LL ONLY MAKE HIM UPSET

From Jongdae : I agree with Baek, don’t say anything without J’s permission

From Chanyeol : I don’t think it’s a big deal.

From Baekhyun : You don’t talk about exes to people’s current boyfriends that’s bad manners Yeol

From Chanyeol : Just say he was a student, and he left. That’s not a lie

From Jongdae : He should get the whole story at once, and it should come from Jaejoong.

From Kyungsoo : Yeah, I think J should tell him.

From Chanyeol : sksfljlsdgf you guys are cowards. If J hasn’t said anything yet he’s not going to. He barely even talks about Kris anymore, nobody does. I don’t see why, it’s not like he did anything wrong.

 

Kyungsoo tosses his phone away as the other three dissolve into bickering. Baekhyun and Jongdae were right, it really should be Jaejoong’s choice. If Joonmyun were here it might be different, but Jaejoong knew Kris best, he should tell the story. But Kyungsoo was close to him too.

Kris had been the one to greet Kyungsoo when he first arrived. Kyungsoo had only been ten, Kris had been fifteen. He was so tall already, he could carry Kyungsoo around for hours if he wanted to. When Kyungsoo was still having frequent recoil, it was Kris who most often took care of him, aside from Jaejoong.

 

“Hi there!”

Kyungsoo whimpered and hid behind Yunho’s legs—everyone was so much taller than him, he felt like he was going to be stepped on.

But the tall boy knelt down. “Sorry,” he said, “My name is Kris.” He smiled and held out his hand, and Kyungsoo shook it. Kris had a nice smile.

“I’m Kyungsoo,” he said quietly.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Kris said. “Do you want to come watch TV with me? We have one of those really big TVs and over 500 channels.”

Kyungsoo nodded eagerly and dashed out from behind Yunho. “Are there shows about sharks? I love sharks!”

“Wow, you’re so brave!” Kris said, standing up and leading Kyungsoo to the living room, “I have to close my eyes during those shows, especially if the shark is eating something.”

“But it’s so cool!” Kyungsoo said, jumping up and down, “They have hundreds of teeth, hundreds! And great white sharks have three rows of teeth, so when they lose one another just rolls forward!”

 

Kyungsoo shoves his head under a pillow and groans. Why is he thinking about all of this? It’s just going to make him sad.

There’s a knock at his door. “Kyungsoo?” Tao’s back. “Please just talk to me. I don’t know anyone here, I keep hearing names and I have no idea who these people are and it’s just one more thing that makes me not fit in. Come on, I’ll never ask you for anything ever again.”

Kyungsoo marches to the door and throws it open. “Alright, alright,” he grumbles. “I’ll tell you a little bit, just quit crying.”

Tao wipes his eyes and follows Kyungsoo into the room. They sit on the bed together.

“Why did you ask if you should be worried?” Kyungsoo asks. His phone is still blowing up with notifications from his unfortunate best friends’ fight—he bets they’re all sitting right next to each other and too stubborn to argue face to face—and he puts the phone on silent while Tao answers.

“After Jaejoong left with his phone, I realized I didn’t know much about him. I looked around the room and realized that there were pictures all over the place, and there was one person who showed up most, always with Jaejoong. They had their arms around each other, sometimes they were kissing…” Tao swallows audibly. “I don’t love Jaejoong, I like kissing him but I don’t think it’s ever going to go beyond that. I know he has something going on with Yunho, but now there’s this other guy and I just want to know if I’m being used or if this guy’s going to come back and accuse me of stealing Jaejoong.”

“Well,” Kyungsoo says, “I’m pretty sure you’re not being used to make Kris jealous. And he’s not going to accuse you of stealing Jaejoong.”

“Who is he?” Tao asks angrily.

Kyungsoo sighs. “He was Jaejoong’s student. He was here for a long time, before I got here. He didn’t have a good family situation, Jaejoong got him out. They were student and mentor for a long time and they were really close.”

“How close?” Tao demands.

Kyungsoo groans and puts his head in his hands. “They were together, okay? They dated, they had , they gave each other pet names, the whole nine yards. It was fast and intense, and about four months ago they had this really big and really loud fight. Kris ran out, he didn’t come home, the mentors went out and tracked him down, next thing we know he’s in the hospital.”

“The hospital?!” Tao cries. “Did he hurt himself?”

“No,” Kyungsoo says. “Kris…his power was flight. Problem was, whenever he flew he would have to go really high so nobody would see him, and it wrecked his heart and lungs. But he didn’t know about it until then, so when Changmin found him he confessed that he’d been feeling awful and he didn’t know what to do. That’s why he went to the hospital—a secret one, for people like us. The doctors said that breathing the thin air for so long had caught up with him and he had to stop flying for a while. So a few days later he announced that he was going to China to meet with this healer named Yixing, and he wasn’t sure when he was coming back.” Or if he was coming back at all.

“So he didn’t leave because of Jaejoong?” Tao asks.

“No, I’m sure that was part of it,” Kyungsoo mutters. “I know Jaejoong stayed with him while he was in the hospital and I didn’t hear them fight again after Kris came home, but it was pretty obvious that their romantic relationship was over. They both took it really hard, I’m sure it wasn’t easy to be in the same house. So technically Kris left because he wanted to see this healer and get better, but it was also to avoid awkward situations with his ex.” He sighs. “This is why we don’t date our mentors, Lu Han.”

“Yeah, okay,” Tao says, “But it’s been four months, you said. Shouldn’t he be back if he’s healed? Is he healed?”

Kyungsoo’s stomach twists. “Maybe, I don’t know.”

Now Tao just looks curious. “You must have been close. Do you still talk to him?”

“We write,” Kyungsoo says. “When he calls…he’s in the mountains so he has to go far down before he gets cell service. He only calls to update Jaejoong, that’s it. His letters never give away much, there are still things we haven’t talked about.”

Tao looks sad all of a sudden. “You sound like you miss him. Are you mad at him?”

“Furious,” Kyungsoo admits. “Mostly because it was so sudden. I get why, I really do, I just wish he’d…I wish he’d given more notice. We didn’t really get to say goodbye. Jaejoong was really hurt, he blames himself, though it’s not totally his fault. He’s still pretty messed up, that’s why he seemed so cold when you first met him. He’s trying but his emotions are all over the place. He’s gotten better since you came here, I think having someone new to start over with helped him a lot.”

Tao picks at a piece of lint on the quilt. “He’s not over it though, is he?”

Kyungsoo pushes Tao’s hands away before he wrecks the quilt. “Ask him yourself,” he says sternly. “This conversation is over.”

 

 

 

 

Kris isn’t sure when he started falling for Jaejoong, or really even why. Joonmyun never saw Jaejoong as anything more than a mentor, certainly never saw him the way Kris did. Joonmyun even warned him that it was a risk to fall for Jaejoong. What if the romantic relationship soured, and it ruined their student/mentor relationship? But Kris thought such a thing could never happen.

Jaejoong kissed him for the first time on his nineteenth birthday, right in front of everyone. They had been going back and forth for some time, flirting but not quite, neither sure what the relationship really was. Jaejoong took that step, and they quickly progressed after that.

Kris knew that Jaejoong had something with Yunho, and he was fine with that. Jaejoong and Yunho had known each other for most of their lives, but they didn’t always complement each other. Their fights were legendary, almost as much as their make-ups. But Jaejoong kept his relationship with Yunho separate from his relationship with Kris, so that was alright. Jaejoong had once said that he would never fall in love, because love was too strong and too messy of an emotion. Kris was okay with that too, for a time.

 

Kris never thought would make him so nervous. Jaejoong was patient with him, though. Every time Kris tensed up and Jaejoong pulled back he found himself apologizing, and each time Jaejoong shushed him and said it was okay. He said they could wait, they could stop any time. And each time he said that it only made Kris want him more.

“I don’t want to mess up,” Kris confessed when Jaejoong asked yet again if he was okay.

“What’s there to mess up?” Jaejoong asked. “You’re not even doing anything, I’m doing all the work here.”

Kris couldn’t help but laugh at the indignant look on Jaejoong’s face, and Jaejoong slid another finger inside of him while he was relaxed. Kris gasped and clung to Jaejoong’s shoulders.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

Jaejoong smiled at him. “You’re not going to mess up. There’s nothing to get wrong, here. There’s no rules, no handbook that tells you exactly what to do or how to do it. What makes this right is how you feel. And I feel pretty damn good right now.”

“You’re not even—”

“Kris. I’m really just getting off watching you.”

 

Kris feels a hand on his shoulder and he jumps. “Christ,” he mutters, hand over his heart, “Why the hell are you so quiet? I’m going to put a bell on you.”

Yixing smiles serenely and holds out a cup of tea. “You were spacing out again. Thinking of him?”

Kris flinches. “Yeah.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“Not really. It’s kind of…explicit.”

Yixing sighs. “Well, we’re not getting anywhere as it is. Maybe you have to talk about the explicit stuff.”

Kris puts the teacup down a little harder than he intended. “Too bad. I’m not talking about my life with a complete stranger.”

“You’re not talking about it with anyone.”

“It’s personal.”

“Not when it’s keeping me from healing you.”

“Maybe,” Kris says angrily, “You’re just not a very good healer.”

Yixing doesn’t look bothered. “Maybe you just think you deserve to suffer.”

“Why the hell would I think that?” Kris snaps. “I’ve suffered enough, and I didn’t deserve any of it.”

Yixing shrugs. “The mind works in mysterious ways. Maybe you’re subconsciously punishing yourself.”

“For what?” Kris asks incredulously.

Yixing stares him straight in the eye. “For doing exactly what Jaejoong told you not to do, and taking it out on him.”

Kris feels like he’s going to be sick.

“I can’t say I blame you,” Yixing says. “You’re only human, and a young one at that. It’s natural for you to want things you’ve been warned against. Jaejoong should have known better.”

“Don’t you dare pin this on him,” Kris snarls, standing up so fast he knocks the tea cup over. He doesn’t really give a damn. “You have no idea what it’s like for him. You have no idea what he did for me.”

Yixing remains infuriatingly calm. “Then tell me.”

Kris hesitates. Why does he feel like he just got tricked?

“It’s been four months, and we’ve barely made any progress. You don’t have to go into detail, just tell me what happened.”

Kris takes a deep breath and sits back down. “Fine. I’ll tell you.”

 

 

 

“Don’t fall in love with me.”

“Why not?”

Jaejoong gave him a serious look. “Because love, the way you know it, is toxic. The idea that somebody has to love you, in order for them to give a damn about you, is toxic. The idea that love completes you, or makes you worth something, or means that you put somebody before yourself, will only get you hurt.”

“Well then how do I describe what I feel for you?” Kris asked. “The only word I know for it is love.”

Jaejoong placed his hands on Kris cheeks and leaned in very close. Kris held his breath, heart hammering in his chest. Jaejoong didn’t kiss him.

“What do you want right now?” Jaejoong asked.

“I want you to kiss me.”

Jaejoong did just that.

“How do you feel?”

Kris grinned at him. “Amazing. I don’t know how to describe it.”

Jaejoong kissed him again. “Sometimes words ruin things,” Jaejoong said. “Because there’s never a right one. Sometimes the only way to describe a feeling is through gesture, or action. That’s why people say ‘actions speak louder than words.’ Love is a loud word, people throw it around a lot without knowing what they’re saying. They say love and mean one type of love, but they themselves don’t even know which type of love they mean.”

Kris knew he must have looked confused. “That’s pretty complicated.”

“I know,” Jaejoong said. “That’s why I’m trying to keep this thing between us as simple as possible. The kind of love that you’re thinking of is the kind that leads to marriage, moving in together, monogamy, adopting babies and growing old together.”

“Is that so wrong?” Kris asked.

“It is when we can’t do any of that,” Jaejoong said gently. “You’re going to live for a very long time, but I’m still going to outlive you. One day you will get old, and I won’t. And that life you’re building for us in your head, even without meaning to, is something I’ll have to say goodbye to without you. I have done it before, and it has torn me to pieces each time. I learned my lesson, and I’m not going to do that to myself again.” His eyes flickered over Kris’ face. “Am I scaring you?”

“A little. Who says we can’t be different?”

“We can be different,” Jaejoong said. “As long as we don’t shut ourselves away in our own world. You need to accept that one day we’ll grow apart. We feel strongly for each other but it’s not set in stone. Feelings can change. It may take a long time but it will happen that someday you will want something that I won’t be able to give you. I’ll never be able to give you all that I have, because that’s not who I am. So don’t give me all that you have, or you’ll get hurt. Do you understand?”

“Yes.”

 

Kris traced the tattoo on Jaejoong’s upper back, fingers trailing along the elegant sweeps of the letters. “T, V, F, Q, X.”

“Mmm.”

“What’s it mean?”

Jaejoong mumbled, “Tong Vfang Xien Qi.”

Kris froze. “Seriously?”

“Mmm. It’s what me, Yunho, Changmin, Junsu and Yoochun call ourselves.”

Kris was quiet for about five seconds, then he burst into incredulous laughter. “Seriously?!” He repeated, trying to stop laughing.

Jaejoong looked over his shoulder and glared at Kris sleepily. “You sound like a Howler Monkey.”

Kris laughed even harder. “Rising gods of the East? Could you be any more pompous?”

“Who says that word anymore?” Jaejoong asked. “And for your information, we kind of were gods, once upon a time.”

Kris stopped laughing and adopted a serious look. “Well, I guess that gives new meaning to the phrase ‘God fu—’”

Jaejoong clapped a hand over Kris’ mouth. “Yes, I know. I’ve heard that joke before.”

Kris was laughing again. He bit Jaejoong’s palm and smirked when Jaejoong pulled his hand away. “Brat,” Jaejoong accused, sitting up and pouting at his hand. “You’re so mean to me.”

Kris sat up too. He wrapped his arms around Jaejoong’s waist and kissed his back, following the letters of his tattoo. “That’s not what you said twenty minutes ago.”

“I wasn’t going to insult you when you were blowing me, was I?”

Kris bit him again and Jaejoong gasped. “Knock it off,” he said, his voice uneven. “I’m going to get you tested for rabies.”

Kris pulled Jaejoong down on top of him, bracketing Jaejoong’s hip with his legs. He smirked and threw his arms over Jaejoong’s shoulders. “One more round before we get up?”

“Quit trying to distract me,” Jaejoong said even as he felt himself getting hard.

“Why should I?” Kris asked, hand between Jaejoong’s legs. “It’s clearly working.”

Jaejoong grabbed Kris’ hands and pinned them to the bed. “You’re wicked.”

“You love it.”

 

The more Kris flew, the worse he felt. Flying was everything to him, but now when he thought about it he got chills down his spine and he wanted to throw up. He knew he had to tell someone, they were starting to get suspicious and ask questions. Yunho wanted him to go see a therapist, Jaejoong kept asking him to see a doctor. Kris knew a doctor would just stick him with things and give him no real answers, maybe they’d kidnap him and cut him open. Wouldn’t have been the first time someone tried to do that. No, he wasn’t going to a hospital. He knew Jaejoong could tell something was different. Kris was holding on too tightly, saying things that were too close to the forbidden words.

Kris found Jaejoong in the kitchen one evening when everyone else was going to bed. He was wiping down the counters, armed with various cleaners and paper towels. He looked like he was settling in for the long haul.

“Didn’t you do that last week?”

“There’s twelve people living in this house, plus visitors. It needs to be done.”

“Let’s go upstairs.”

“You go, I’ll be up later.”

“How much later?”

“When I’m done. It’ll go a lot faster if you let me concentrate.”

“I don’t want to go alone.”

Jaejoong sighed and straightened up. “You’re not alone.”

Kris was close to tears. “Come upstairs with me.”

Jaejoong took off his gloves and walked over. “What’s the matter, baby? You’ve been acting different lately.”

I think I might be dying. But Kris couldn’t say that. “Jaejoong…can you tell me something?”

Jaejoong looked worried. “What?”

“Promise you won’t get mad.”

Jaejoong frowned. “What do you want me to say?”

Kris couldn’t look at him. “Tell me you love me.”

Silence, for a long time. Then, “You know I can’t do that.”

“Just once,” Kris said. “I’ll never ask again. I need to hear it.”

“No. I’m not going to do that to you.”

“DO WHAT EXACTLY?!” Kris shouted, pushing Jaejoong away. “WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH IT?”

“I explained this to you, you said you understood!”

“I don’t, not anymore! What can I do to change your mind?”

“This is exactly what I was afraid of. You can’t change my mind, there’s nothing you’ve done or not done and you can’t make me do anything!”

Kris had never been so angry at someone before in his life. The fight went on for almost an hour, and each one of them said things they didn’t really mean. They went in circles, with Kris trying not to say that he was afraid and Jaejoong needling at him to fess up to whatever was really bothering him. It only ended when Kris stormed out of the house. He wanted to go back right away and apologize. But he still wanted those three words from Jaejoong and he knew Jaejoong wasn’t going to say them. And honestly, he understood why. It wasn’t fair for Kris to ask Jaejoong to say those words when he didn’t mean them, or when he knew that Kris was one day going to leave him the same way his past loves had. But still he wanted, and that made him selfish.

 

After the fight, Kris wanted to be anywhere but that house. He ran for as long as he could, and ended up in a park about twenty minutes away. Under other circumstances he might have gone further, but his chest hurt and he felt nauseous. Changmin found him, hours later. It had to have been close to dawn. Kris heard him approaching and knew who it was right away.

“Thank god it’s you,” Kris said when Changmin got close. “I don’t think I can face anyone else.”

Changmin sat directly across from Kris, folding his legs under himself. “You’ll have to, eventually.”

“Can’t I just stay here?”

“No.”

He’d cried for most of the night, and he started to cry again. “He’s furious with me. I bet he hates me.”

“You’re angry with him, too. Do you hate him?”

He hugged his knees to his chest. “No. I love him.” He sobbed loudly. “Damnit, why do I love him?”

Changmin sighed. “That’s what humans do. We fall in love, even though it hurts.”

Kris looked up. “Did he ever really love anyone? Did I even have a chance?”

Changmin looked so sorry. “He did. A long, long time ago. He loved a lot of people, and he got hurt every time. He does love you, you know.”

Kris knew. And it had been enough, once. “He never said it to me. Not really.”

“I know,” Changmin said wryly. “I heard the two of you shouting at each other.”

Kris lowered his head again. “It’s not fair. I gave him…he was…my first everything.”

“Oh. I see. I suppose that makes sense…did he know?”

“Of course he knew,” Kris snapped. “You think he couldn’t tell? God, he knew. And he kept telling me, don’t fall in love with me. Like I had a choice.” He covered his face. “I never stood a chance, did I?”

Changmin sighed. “No, I guess not.” He pulled Kris to his feet and dusted the grass from his pants. “Did you fly here?”

Kris’ heart sunk to his toes. “No.”

Changmin sensed the change in him. “I thought something was off about you, even before the fight. What’s wrong?”

Kris gulped and stared at the ground. “Something’s wrong with me. I think…I think it’s recoil.”

 

Kris hated hospitals more than any other place in the world. The mere thought of them made him picture sharp tools and piercing shrieks of agony. Changmin checked him in and he got taken to a room to wait for examination. He was shaking the whole time, and the worst part was he wanted nothing more than to see Jaejoong, but he wasn’t sure if Jaejoong wanted to see him.

He waited an hour, on edge the whole time. When the door opened he jumped, thinking it was the doctor, but it was Jaejoong. He was breathing hard and he was flushed, his clothing askew—he’d been running.

‘Running to me,’ Kris realized. He stood up and Jaejoong practically flew across the room to wrap him up in hug.

“Oh thank god you’re in one piece,” he gasped. He leaned back and looked Kris in the eye. “When Changmin said you were in the hospital I didn’t know what to think, he didn’t tell me what happened, are you alright?”

Kris shook his head. He knew he was going to start crying again at any second. “I’m having trouble breathing, and my heart feels weird when I fly.”

Jaejoong’s eyes widened. “Since when?”

Kris shrugged. “Maybe two weeks.”

Jaejoong hugged him again. “We’re going to fix this,” he promised. “One way or another, we’re going to fix this, and I’ll help you through it.”

Kris felt tears spill onto his cheeks. “I’m so sorry, about the fight, I shouldn’t have…” he buried his face in Jaejoong’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”

“You hush,” Jaejoong said, his voice wavering only slightly. “We can talk about it later. I’m still your mentor, and I’m not leaving you alone here.”

 

The tests took two days to complete, and true to his word Jaejoong did not leave. Even when Kris was getting an MRI and he couldn’t be in the room, Jaejoong stayed in the observation room and talked to Kris during the process, and he was there when Kris was let out, catching him as he ran from the room. The MRI was definitely his least favorite test.

And Jaejoong was right there when Kris got the news that his heart and lungs had taken a beating from breathing the thin air at 1000 feet up, and that if he wanted to stay alive he needed to stop flying so high, or stop flying at all. And it was Jaejoong who suggested that Kris go see Yixing, a healer he’d known for a long time, and the only person he knew who would be able to fix the damage.

Before Kris left, he and Jaejoong decided to end their relationship. Kris liked to think that it was mutual, when the truth was that he really didn’t want to call things off and he knew Jaejoong wasn’t happy either. But they wanted different things, and there wasn’t a big chance of reconciliation. Jaejoong told Kris that he deserved someone who could love him without hesitation or fear, and someday he would find that person. Kris kept thinking that he already had.

 

 

When Kris finishes his story, Yixing doesn’t speak for a while. Kris drinks what’s left in his teacup and waits patiently, knowing that Yixing is going to say something sooner or later.

The sun’s starting to set when Yixing finally speaks. “There are no winners,” he says softly.

Kris nods. “I know.”

Yixing fixes him with a stern look. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But neither did Jaejoong,” Kris says automatically. “One of us had to have done something wrong for it to turn out like this, so it must have been me.”

Yixing shakes his head. “There is never only one right and one wrong. Sometimes neither of those things exist in a situation. Your relationship with Jaejoong isn’t over, it’s just changed. You don’t have to stop seeing him, or act like your time together never happened. You don’t have to block those memories from your mind. Maybe it hurts to think about them, and maybe it will always hurt. But humans are very good at adapting to pain, more than you think. You don’t have to punish yourself for what happened.”

He takes Kris’ hand. “And Jaejoong doesn’t hate you. He could never hate you. You’re very precious and very dear to him.”

Kris keeps his eyes on the ground. “I still love him.”

“That might never go away,” Yixing says. “But right now what you’re doing is clinging to your feelings for Jaejoong and allowing them to morph into something harmful. You feel like you shouldn’t love him, so you view those feelings as something to be ashamed of. You don’t have to force yourself to stop loving Jaejoong. You just have to say that you won’t force those feelings onto him.”

Kris looks up. Yixing is smiling at him.

“Close your eyes for a second,” Yixing says.

Kris takes a deep breath and does so.

“Pretend you’re talking to Jaejoong. What do you want to tell him?”

It’s so easy to imagine Jaejoong sitting next to him, smiling absent mindedly, waiting to hear what Kris has to say.

“I still love you,” Kris say quietly, “But…I know you don’t feel the same way about me. And I know we can’t go back—we shouldn’t go back to how things were before I left. I hope we can start over, and that we can be friends. I just don’t want you to cut me out of your life.”

Kris feels like a weight’s been lifted from his shoulders. He opens his eyes again and inhales deeply, feeling better than he has in months.

Yixing stands up and holds out his hand to Kris. “Let’s go inside and try healing you again.”

 

 

 

I'll be honest, I'm really not sure when the next update will be, but I think I'll be introducing another EXO member in it.