Joon Hee mechanically turned his keys in the door lock and let himself into the house. He slumped down on the floor when he reached the living room. Wearing a dejected expression on his face, he hugged his knees together and leaned against the wall as he tried to process today’s incident in his head. It happened too swiftly that he could hardly absorb any of it. He was supposed to take blood sample from a drug addict who was admitted into the hospital today. He was suspected to be infected with HIV. He was going through the procedure of injection when the drug addict unexpectedly react so violently,  pushing him so harshly that he fell down, knocking all the medical equipments with him. It was too late when he realized he accidentally jabbed himself with the contaminated needle that was used to retrieve blood sample from the drug addict. Everything went by in a blur as his colleagues heard the commotion and rushed to help him. When they noticed his injury, they immediately brought him for blood test.

“Joon Hee?” Dong Woo was going to find Joon Hee when he heard the news. Their silent war was killing him. He hated not talking to Joon Hee. He missed him. He was going to the oncology department when he saw Jongin looked worried. Out of concern for Joon Hee, Jongin explained about what had happened to Joon Hee.

“Joon Hee? Jongin told me about it. Everything’s going to be fine.” Dong Woo tried to console Joon Hee but sharply interrupted by Joon Hee.

“Fine?”Joon Hee murmured. “Which part of ‘I will die’ sounds fine to you?”

“Joon Hee, the drug addict was just suspected. Maybe he didn’t have HIV. Maybe you are not infected with HIV!” Dong Woo tried to convince Joon Hee to think optimistically. Joon Hee shook his head hard and covered his ears with his hands, refusing to listen. Dong Woo tried to approach Joon Hee but Joon Hee was retreating two steps at a time. Dong Woo rushed towards Joon Hee and pulled him into his arms.

“Let go of me! Don’t touch me!”Joon Hee exploded in rage.

Dong Woo held onto Joon Hee tight, ignoring Joon Hee squirming and slapping his arms.

“Let go of me! Let go of me! Jang Dong Woo! Let me…go…” In the end, Joon Hee crumbled down, crying listlessly in Dong Woo’s embrace.

**

When Joon Hee calmed down much later, Dong Woo guided Joon Hee back into his room and helped him onto his bed so he could rest. It had been a tiring day for him. Joon Hee did not object and went along with Dong Woo.

“Are you hungry? Do you want me to cook something for you?” Joon Hee shook his head weakly.

“Are you thirsty? I’ll get you a drink.”Dong Woo offered but stopped when Joon Hee grabbed Dong Woo’s wrist.

“Dong Woo, don’t go. Stay here with me.”Joon Hee pleaded.

“Okay.”Dong Woo sat beside him on his bed. Joon Hee looked so helpless and solemn. Dong Woo’s heart felt a pang to see him like this. He gently pulled Joon Hee into his embrace and soothingly rubbed his back, allowing Joon Hee to lie on his shoulder.

“Dong Woo?”Joon Hee spoke.

“Yes?”

“What if I am really infected with HIV?”

Dong Woo pulled away slightly from Joon Hee. “Joon Hee, look at me.”Joon Hee lifted his head to look at Dong Woo.

“If you are really infected with HIV, you should not give up. You should live and go for treatments like any other HIV positive patients.”

 “I…I would be a burden to my family…”Guilt inundated Joon Hee at the mention of his family. The medications for HIV patients did not really cure them from the disease itself but just to halt the progression of the virus and prolong their lives. They were costly and almost burdening financially in long terms. Joon Hee’s family was not a well-to-do family. His parents had been struggling half of their lives selling tteokboki and mandu so that his eight sisters and him could have proper meals and go to school to get education. That was the reason why he studied so hard in school so that he could obtain a scholarship and not burden his parents with his education fees. He had promised to repay his parents’ kindness by taking good care of them and providing financial means to them.  They’ve been so proud of him when Joon Hee told them about him pursuing a career in the medical field. And now, everything was going astray.

“No, you aren’t and you won’t. Don’t you ever think that you are a burden to anyone.”

“Nobody would want me.”Joon Hee’s voice was not more than a whisper.

“I would always want you.” Dong Woo said earnestly. “Nothing could ever stop me from wanting you.”Joon Hee looked at Dong Woo as he let his words soaked in.

“No matter what happens, I’m here for you.”Dong Woo wrapped his arms around Joon Hee. Joon Hee felt extremely exhausted. It was so tiring to act strong when all you wanted to do was to let go and break down. For once, he did not want to push anyone away, allowing himself to fall asleep within Dong Woo’s arms.

**

For the following weeks after the incident, Joon Hee was forced to take a break from his hospital duties. He would only be called for duty after the medical report was ready. He didn’t inform his family as he did not want them to worry about it. He stayed at the apartment all the time. Despite his tight houseman schedule and tons of reports piling on his table, Dong Woo did his best to make sure that he was well fed and pre-occupied. He bought lots of Korean dramas for him to watch.  Every morning, he would have his breakfast ready on the table. When he would be working late night shifts, he would make sure that he prepared them and reminded Joon Hee to heat them up in the microwave and eat it. He would send him text messages from time to time, asking him how was he doing, how was he feeling. And when Joon Hee did not reply, Dong Woo would call endlessly until he answers the phone.

Joon Hee acknowledged that he felt loved and protected. No one ever showered him this much affection and attention. Since young, his parents were so busy, strived to make ends meet and assume that he could take care of himself because he displayed such mature behavior compared to kids of his age. Due to the large between his sisters and him, they were too busy and preoccupied with their lives to spend time with Joon Hee, let cooing him like any sister should to a younger brother.

Joon Hee has always been alone, even when he was with Yoon Jae and the rest of his high school friends because they never knew what he truly felt.  He was forever hiding his true feelings and thoughts. He made himself unpredictable and unfathomable. He was fine with it. Besides, no one had ever attempted to get to know him or understand him better. He thought he was until Dong Woo’s confession happened.

Every time I look into your eyes, I can see the loneliness in them. They were beautiful but empty.

In all people, Dong Woo saw him. Dong Woo understood him. Dong Woo attempted hard to make efforts to walk into his life and advanced into his heart. Dong Woo made efforts o break the walls of his heart. Without realizing, Joon Hee was starting to let his guard down. The walls around his heart were showing signs of fracture. His emotions were slowly arising. The fear, loneliness and emptiness that he had been burying all these while were out to get him, suffocating him, slowly.

Joon Hee began to grasp the fact that he was just a normal human being that needed to be loved. After all that had happened, he finally found someone who breached the walls and invaded his heart. It might sound insane to him but he wanted to try. After so long, he wanted to let someone in. He wanted to love again.

But could he?

What if he was really diagnosed with HIV? If he chose to be with Dong Woo, he would be a burden to him. He didn’t want to be a burden to anyone, especially not to Dong Woo. Dong Woo was an aspiring doctor. He had a bright future ahead of him. He did not want Dong Woo to be held back by a dying HIV patient. He was starting to wonder, was this his fate? Was he fated to not find happiness?

**

“No.”Joon Hee turned and headed to the sink to wash the dishes. Dong Woo sighed and followed behind Joon Hee. He grabbed Joon Hee’s hand. Joon Hee tried to release his hand from Dong Woo’s grasp but Dong Woo held even tighter. In the end, Joon Hee gave up.

“Joon Hee, what is wrong?”

“Everything’s wrong, Dong Woo.”Joon Hee sighed tiredly.

“Joon Hee…”

“Dong Woo, just let go of me.”Joon Hee said solemnly.

“No, I won’t until you tell me what’s wrong.”Dong Woo was adamant to figure out the source of Joon Hee’s distress.

“Dong Woo, you should let go of me.”Joon Hee repeated, this time, his voice hinged with sadness. Dong Woo finally understood the underlying message of his words.

“No, I won’t.”

“Dong Woo..”

“I won’t let go. I told you I’ll be here for you. I promised and I’m going to keep my promise.”

“Dong Woo, I don’t want you to get hurt.”Joon Hee whispered with his eyes closed and a tired expression on his face.

“What are you talking about, Joon Hee? Why would I get hurt?”

Joon Hee bit his lips. “Because I can’t give you the happiness you deserve. If I have HIV, it’s just a matter of time when I’ll die of AIDS. We are medical students. We both know the risks and chances. I don’t want to take chances!”

“I want to take chances.  No matter what happened, HIV or not, I’m going to be with you, every step ahead. I won’t leave you.”

Joon Hee ran his fingers across his hair frustratedly. “You don’t understand.”

Dong Woo held Joon Hee sturdy by his shoulders. “No, you are the one who don’t understand, Joon Hee. I love you and I’m not going to leave you. You can do whatever you want to me but I won’t leave you.”

Joon Hee’s tears began to roll down his cheeks. “I’m scared, Dong Woo. I’m scared…”

Dong Woo hugged Joon Hee tight. He knew the walls around Joon Hee’s heart were collapsing. He was letting him in but there was just this final defence that he still needed to get through. Just a little bit more and he would have Joon Hee’s heart opened up completely to him.

“Joon Hee ah, I know you are scared. You are scared to be vulnerable. You are scared you’ll break again.”Dong Woo tipped Joon Hee’s chin up so that he could look into him straight in the eye. “But you will not break once more. I’ll fix you. If you ever fall, I will be there to catch you. So, just fall for me, okay? I am strong. I am strong for both of us. We can do this together.”Joon Hee stared at Dong Woo. His heart swelled upon Dong Woo’s sincerity. The walls had already collapsed. It was a lost war. It was a sweet defeat.

Joon Hee nodded, hot tears blurring his sight. Dong Woo reached out to dry his tears. He tilted his head, leaning ever so slowly towards Joon Hee. It was exhilarating. He could hear his heart beat so fast, loud and clear, in his chest. He took a deep breath and his lips landed on Joon Hee’s soft, warm lips. Dong Woo could feel Joon Hee shiver slightly in his arms but he did not let loose of his hold. He held him even tighter while keeping his lips on him, savoring the sweet moment.

Joon Hee closed his eyes as Dong Woo leaned in. Unsure of what to react, he stood still and gripped his hands into tight fists. When Dong Woo finally closing in, his body shook slightly and he sensed Dong Woo’s firmer hold on him. To be honest, it was his first kiss. He might have seen this scene in movies or TV dramas but nothing could be compared to what he was feeling right now. He could feel his blood racing within his blood vessels and his heart beating in such terrifying speed at this instant.

Dong Woo released Joon Hee after a while. Dong Woo made sure that it was just a peck on the lips. He did not go further. Dong Woo thought that it might be too overwhelming for Joon Hee and he wasn’t going to ruin everything, not that after all he did for Joon Hee to let his guard down.

“Let’s wash up the dishes, shall we?”Dong Woo grinned brightly. Joon Hee nodded, face blushed beet red.

**

Joon Hee lied on his bed, finding it difficult to fall asleep. It had been hours since Dong Woo had kissed him but Joon Hee could still feel the warm tingling feeling on his lips. For once in so long, Joon Hee let out a genuine smile.

That night, Joon Hee slept very well.

**

There was a little progression in their relationship after the fateful night.  Joon Hee did not say anything about them and their relationship but at least he did not push Dong Woo away anymore. He would let Dong Woo lace their fingers when they were lazing at the couch, watching television. He would hold Dong Woo’s hand with a gentle but firm grip. Whenever Dong Woo backhugged him, he would relax into Dong Woo’s embrace and no longer shied away from him. Joon Hee stopped putting up a strong front. When Dong Woo sensed that his worries about the future got too carried away, he would let Dong Woo comfort him.

Joon Hee did not throw into fits anymore. Instead, he looked happier than he used to be, and this time Dong Woo could see that his smiles were candid. Joon Hee even started to do volunteering work in treatment centers and home shelters where people diagnosed with AIDS were taken care of. Dong Woo remembered Joon Hee’s shy expression when he asked him if he wanted to join him for charity work as well. He looked so adorable that Dong Woo couldn’t say no. (He was planning to say yes, anyway.)

Dong Woo sat from afar as he watched Joon Hee taught the children from the shelter homes arts and crafts. He was smiling and laughing so much with the children. Dong Woo sighed in relief. He loved how Joon Hee was right now. No façade, no restraining. He was enjoying the moment being himself.

Dong Woo did not tell Joon Hee about it but he was terrified too. He was afraid that Joon Hee would be diagnosed with HIV. HIV was just the beginning of a terrible torture with the name of AIDS. It tormented slowly, stripped your immune system the ability to defend yourself leaving you down with various minor sickness which will become severe ones. He didn’t want Joon Hee to suffer. Joon Hee had suffered enough all these years. He deserved a bright, happy future.

Dong Woo was terrified for another reason as well. The more Dong Woo spent time with Joon Hee, the more he realized he could not live without Joon Hee. Joon Hee was the first person he sees when he opened his eyes and the last person he sees when he closed his eyes. Joon Hee was the first person he thought of whenever he wanted to share good things with. Joon Hee was his coursemate, his roommate, his dance partner, his friend, his lover. Joon Hee was his everything. Dong Woo could not imagine himself living his life without Joon Hee by his side.

“What are you thinking of?”Joon Hee tapped Dong Woo’s shoulder, looking concerned.

Dong Woo just shrugged. “Nothing.”

Joon Hee gave him a scrutinizing look. He wasn’t convinced but he couldn’t ask further when the young children came running to him, pleading him to read them a story for their story time.

Dong Woo sat across Joon Hee as Joon Hee sat in a corner with the children sitting in a circle around him.

“Joon Hee oppa, tell us a story.”

“Okay, what story do you want to hear? Sleeping beauty? Cinderella?”Joon Hee suggested.

The children shook their head in unison. “Don’t want to. We heard those too many times. We want to hear your story.”

“My story?” Joon Hee glanced at Dong Woo for help but Dong Woo looked back at him, mouthing “I don’t know any story”.

Joon Hee contemplated for a while before smiling towards the children. “I do have a story. Do you all want to listen to it?”

“Yes!”The children chorused and began to sit in a circle surrounding Joon Hee.

“The title is ‘The Prince and The Dinosaur’. There was once a prince who was trapped in a castle in the middle of a dark forest. The prince had always wanted to go out and meet people and have fun but he couldn’t do so because he was being cursed by a wicked witch. She casted a spell that made the walls around the castle were so high that nobody could climb over.  Everyone who passed by the castle would offer their help and tried to climb the walls but they all failed. Eventually they gave up. The prince was devastated. No one would ever save him. Days passed by and ultimately the prince gave up hope. He thought he would always be alone.”

Joon Hee smiled knowingly at Dong Woo. “Then one day, a dinosaur was venturing the dark forest.”

“Why would the dinosaur venture into the dark forest?”A pale looking young boy named Sehun asked.

“Because it was curious. Everyone told it not to walk in the dark forest as it may get lost and never find its own way home. But the dinosaur was stubborn. He knew the danger but he still proceed to enter the forest.”The children nodded in understanding.

“Can I continue?”

They nodded enthusiastically.

“The dinosaur walked on and on and it came across the castle. He saw the trapped prince being so sad, so he asked the prince why was he so sad. The prince told him about the walls and the people who tried to climb them but failed. Hearing this, the dinosaur tried to climb but like the others, he failed. The prince saw what the dinosaur was trying to do, so he told the dinosaur to give up and just leave. The prince did not want to see the dinosaur getting hurt.”Joon Hee kept his eyes on Dong Woo all the time while narrating his story with a smirk. As the story went on, Dong Woo finally understood and grinned good-naturedly.

“But the dinosaur was stubborn. He persevered. It tried and tried to climb the walls but it always failed. It was never discouraged by its failure. It kept trying. Until one day, the dinosaur found a way to help the prince.”The children looked at him with expectantly including Dong Woo. Joon Hee let out a laugh. Dong Woo’s expression amused him. Nevertheless, he continued his story.

“The dinosaur thought that if it couldn’t climb up the walls, why didn’t it knock down the walls? It was big and strong after all. So, it began to knock down the walls surrounding the castle. At first, nothing happened. But then, after the dinosaur’s first attempt, second attempt, third attempt, the walls started to collapse. And finally, at the fourth attempt, the walls came crumbling down. The prince was free. He could go out of the castle now.”

“When the prince came out of the castle, he thanked the dinosaur so much for not giving up on him. The prince and dinosaur lived happily ever after.”

“Children, it’s time for lunch.”Ms. Jung, the one who was in charge of the children in the shelter, announced. The children ran out of the room, scrambling their way to the cafeteria. Ms. Jung did not forget to cast a grateful smile towards Joon Hee and Dong Woo before she left the room.

“The prince and the dinosaur eh? Nice one.”Dong Woo grinned. Joon Hee chuckled.

**

The cooling breeze blew past them as both sat at the bench in the playground nearby the shelter home, watching the bright orange sun set beyond the horizon. None of them utter a word as they took pleasure in the comfortable silence.

“Dong Woo, I don’t think I ever thank you.”Dong Woo suddenly spoke.

“Why thank me out of the sudden?”Dong Woo asked curiously.

“Thank you for seeing me when no one did. Thank you for not giving up on me.”Joon Hee smiled a grateful smile to Dong Woo. “Thank you for letting me feel love and to be loved. I thought I would never experience the emotion anymore.” Dong Woo got anxious. Joon Hee spoke as if he was… dying.

Dong Woo pulled Joon Hee into his arms. “Joon Hee, you…you are scaring me. Please don’t say that…”Dong Woo’s voice cracked, tears threatening to flow any time by now.

Joon Hee patted Dong Woo’s back. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m still here. I’m not dead, yet.”

Dong Woo slapped Joon Hee’s arms lightly. “Don’t joke about things like that. It’s not funny!”

Joon Hee let out a laugh. “I’m sorry.”Dong Woo huffed and they were back into the previous silence, as Joon Hee stared ahead of him and Dong Woo’s head hung low.

“Dong Woo, I won’t give up.”

Dong Woo turned towards Joon Hee. “If I am really diagnosed with HIV, I promise I’ll go for the treatment. I will fight to live until my last breath.”

Dong Woo nodded, holding back the tears that were threatening to flow.

“But I’m selfish. You’ve done so much for me yet I still want you to do me a favor.”

“Don’t be silly. Just say it. I’ll do it for you.”

“Can you stay by my side? Because I don’t think I can do it without you.”

Dong Woo pulled Joon Hee and kissed him on the forehead. “Of course I will. We’ll do this together.”Joon Hee encircled his arms around Dong Woo and Dong Woo returned the hug.

 “Dear Lord, please don’t take Joon Hee away. I love him and I can’t lose him. Reduce my life by 10 years. I don’t care. Just please, don’t take him away from me.”