The room in his new shared apartment with his fellow coursemate, Jongin was dark except for the florescent table lamp lit on the study table. He sat down at the table, wearing an exhausted expression. The rustling sounds of pages being flipped could be heard in the quiet room. He flipped his old scrap book slowly, page by page and stopped when he reached the last page. A picture of him and his best friend was pasted in the centre of the blank yellow page. His fingers slowly traced the smiling face of his best friend in the picture.

Kang Joon Hee was in love with Yoon Yoon Jae. He had been in love with his best friend since middle school. Yoon Jae was his first love. Yoon Jae made his heart beat a thousand times faster by even the slightest brush of their hands, leaving a warm tingling feeling at the contact spot. Yoon Jae made breathing almost impossible for him when he hugged him from behind while watching a football match together. Yoon Jae made him melt into a puddle of goo every time he casted a smile. Yoon Jae made him believe in the existence of angels when he watched him sleeping soundly on his dictionary in class. Yoon Jae taught him that it was possible to fall more and more in love with a person, even as days, months and years had passed.

Yoon Jae was also his first heartbreak. Yoon Jae made him experienced the pain of one-sided love. Yoon Jae made him understand the fact that his feelings were his own and that it will never be returned to the same way as he wanted it to be. Yoon Jae would never see him as anything other than his best buddy. There won’t be him in his eyes. He would never see Joon Hee because Yoon Jae would only look at Shi Won.

Joon Hee knew Yoon Jae like the back of his hand. He knew Yoon Jae chose to give Shi Won up when he knew his elder brother had feelings for her. He knew Yoon Jae was lying when he said he was not concerned about Shi Won anymore. He knew what was in Yoon Jae’s mind when they passed by a CD store once and an old music video of H.O.T’s Candy was playing on the TV and Yoon Jae stared at the TV for a long time. He knew why Yoon Jae panicked when he gave Shi Won his phone number.  He wished he didn’t know but he knew exactly the reason behind Yoon Jae’s odd behavior.

When Yoon Jae came home with the brightest smile on his face, Joon Hee smiled sadly. Yoon Jae and Shi Won finally mustered their courage to face their true feelings. They were a pair now, a match made in heaven. Joon Hee knew it was time to let go. So, he let go. He let go of Yoon Jae although he was never his in the first place. He let go of his feelings of 10 years. He moved out from Yoon Jae’s apartment, moved out from Yoon Jae’s life.

He would never forget how Yoon Jae wrapped his arms around Joon Hee from behind when he moved out from their shared apartment that day. Back hug has always been Yoon Jae’s way of showing affection to him but something was wrong about it. It did not feel natural. It felt awkward. It was as if he was forced to hug a stranger that he just met. He was being too careful, as if he was holding something fragile.

“Let’s go for meals sometimes, okay?”He said. His voice sounded casual but Joon Hee knew better. He could hear hesitation and detachment underlying those simple words. Joon Hee had nodded. He stifled a tear. He already knew.

What Joon Hee feared the most had happen. He knew Yoon Jae would be flipped out if he found out about him and his feelings for him. Yoon Jae liked to be in control. He did not like surprises or anything unexpected. He liked to stick to what he knew best. He would never venture into something unfamiliar and unpredictable. Joon Hee knew what was in his mind. He was shocked to learn that his best friend, a guy, was in love with him for years and he did not know how to deal with the difficult situation.

Joon Hee decided to save him the headache by cutting ties with him and the rest of their high school friends. It was for the best. He avoided Yoon Jae, Shi Won, Hak Chan, Sung Jae and Yoo Jung.  He changed his phone number without informing them. He stopped coming home for festive seasons so that he wouldn’t coincidentally run into them. 

People said first love was unforgettable. First love was unforgettable because we learnt about love for the very first time. We learnt that first love could surge our heart with happiness and wonder, yet at the same time inflict our heart with pain and aches. For Joon Hee, first love was unforgettable because it not only broke his heart, but also him in person. It occurred to him that it was frightening to let someone into your heart, giving them the privilege to break it, leaving you broken beyond repair afterwards.

Love was a gamble, a risky game that would strip him of everything when he lost. He couldn’t afford to lose, so he decided to not play this dangerous game named love.

He closed his scrap book, at the same time, closing his heart and sealing it tight. He built walls around his heart, so high that no one could ever climb over them.

It didn’t matter if he would be empty and lonely. He could take it. He would live with emptiness and loneliness but not with another broken heart.