November, 2014

 

Let a man chose his career over love then he’s doing the right thing but when a women chooses the same thing then she is heartless.

 

The world we live in will always be divided in career and love. Both need it but one will always be a step higher than the other one. It makes you confused and at the same time it is very destructive. Choosing career would mean you chose to be focused, you chose to be ahead, and you chose something that you can invest in yourself in the future. I grew up learning that choosing a decent career would make me successful in life. They say that if I keep focusing I will end up with everything and anything I want in my life. They say because I’m still young, love will not matter as much and it can wait forever.

So why does it confuse people?

 

Love…

You don’t have to be good in school or in any aspect of your life to determine how great you are at it. It’s not something you can just read off the internet and suddenly be an expert at it. No, love is so much more that that—I know but at the same time I don’t know.

It’s confusing not to know much about it when everybody in this world feels it. You know you sense it but could never explain it to anyone else. Not even the smartest scientists or philosophers can explain fully what ‘love’ is.

 

 

A few months ago a girl came up to me, gathering up all her soul and courage, to utter the one sentence I couldn’t answer…

“Do you love me?”

Those words felt like I was on a pedestal but thinking of a way to answer it correctly. Fact is, there was no way I could answer that girl correctly. She looked at me with her wide gaze as they started to wet. The image of her crying was never an intention but she had me shocked at that moment. Even I, myself, could not have given her the answer she wanted to hear.

 

Someone had once told me ‘Never to confuse love for lust.’ But how can I not when most people surrounding me confuse me with such?

She was becoming hopeless as the seconds pass by and I just kept staring at her.

I was speechless.

Mortified.

Flabbergasted.

I had mixed emotions at the time and the emotions in my head started to argue until I just left her hanging there, just like that. Unanswered.

 

 

A few months before that happened my members of my group specifically told me to be careful what I get myself into. But I am kid and I thought that if I played my cards correctly nothing would really fail. It’s not like I’m the only one doing this, right?

“Keep off the paparazzi area”

“You always know where they are.”

“Just invite her somewhere else for dinner, that place has tons of people around.”

“We can’t afford a scandal like this if you’re too messy”

I have been given tons and tons of warnings before I go out to meet people. It wasn’t a daily thing but until recently, I was the only one going out a lot and this alarmed not only the members but as well as the manager.

“If you sense that you are being followed, call me immediately—immediately!” He repeats it as if it was an order and I try to obey or at least, pay attention as much.

 

After my encounter with that girl, it took me time to actually fess up to my manager what happened. Of course, I consulted some of our members first. They didn’t look happy—not even a tiny bit. No one said anything but you can read from their eyes the curses they wanted to scream at me. One of them looked like they wanted to beat me up with the slipper on his foot. The youngest didn’t say anything nor looked me in the eye at all. However, he didn’t look calm. In fact, he looked frightened the most. My closest friend said nothing at all—not that he was speechless—but because he thought this would never happen.

As soon as I told my manager, he looked me in the eye and he started massaging his temples as he squinted his eyes. He picked up his mobile phone and pressed the one number I was most afraid he would call—the company CEO. I swallowed whatever was left of my pride and tried not to over think it. I swayed back and forth as my manager go around our dorm and by the look on his face, he is being punished for not keeping an eye on me.

 

Regret?

I ask myself this question every morning, every time I see my reflection on our bathroom mirror.

Did I regret it?

Or am I trying to convince myself something else?

There are so many feelings bottled up that I can’t even start to explain.

 

 

So I guess you’re all probably wondering now what have I been babbling about? Don’t be too confused because I will have to start from the very beginning which was months and months ago.

It all started from a calling card.

JaeNi Smith.

 

And this is not a love story.