ii. snow

 

“some people are worth melting for.”

—olaf from disney’s frozen

 

 

 

“do you know about the abandoned building just at the outskirts of the town?”

 

spring comes

 

chaerin sighed as she let her bag slipped off her shoulder before tiredly sat on a bench in an empty park. it’s already past twelve in midnight and chaerin had nowhere to go. she was to blame though, considering she’s the one who took the decision to leave her aunt’s house with no plan or place to stay.

 

“taking her in was too troublesome,” she remembered her aunt’s distressed voice. it’s not like she was surprised; no one in her family would take her in. she was already been passed around from one house to another far too many times. and it’s not like she couldn’t guess the way her aunt would always had this sour look on her face whenever she’s around. that’s why she thought enough is enough; she doesn’t want to burden anymore of her relatives nor does she wanted to be passed around like a thing. 

 

so she left.

 

“there aren’t many stars here in the city eh? what a shame,” she said out loud while lying on her back, all drowsy eyes and teary yawn.

 

i feel sleepy, she closed her eyes, her mind drifted away to her home. back at home, nights like this always have beautiful glimmering stars painted across the black canvas of the sky. she had always love gazing upon the blinking stars.

 

her parents love it too.

 

mother…father…why did you leave me like this.

 

“this place is so cold…” she muttered to herself as black tiredness started to loom her vision.

 

“of course it is, it’s a winter night and you’re out here without warm clothes,” through her blurry vision, chaerin could make out a man’s silhouette hovering over her. her mind was alarmed at the stranger’s presence but her body was numb from the tiredness and the cold.

 

who—

 

“hey, can you hear me?” the stranger’s voice echoed in her ears, “aish ,” she felt her cold fingers being held, “how long have you been here?” before her body was hoisted up and warmth enveloped her. 

 

“hold on, kitty. i’m taking you home. so stay awake, okay?”

 

home? she thought, eyes getting drowsy and all she wanted is to sleep.

 

i haven’t been home in a while. 

 

the image of her parents sitting at the balcony on breezy june night flashed across her mind.

 

mother…father… 

 

and chaerin fell asleep, warm back pressed against her cheek, musky vanilla and a tinge of cigarette smoke, and she never felt so calm in the hands of a stranger.

 

they’re my home.

 

—

 

“father, what is a shooting star?”

 

“it’s  a star that fell from the sky. people said that if you make a wish upon a shooting star, your wish will come true.”

 

“oh you’re awake.”

 

when chaerin opened her eyes, the first face that came to her vision was — unfortunately — not her father. but this person has the same eyes as his, and though similar, his face was years younger. his cheeks are chubby and his pouty lips stretched into a grin when chaerin blinked at him.

 

“who are you?” 

 

“of course you didn’t remember me.” the unknown male let out a bitter laugh, “the last time we met you’re still a chubby child.”

 

what—

 

chaerin pushed her self up, alarming the male, “ah hey, are you feeling better? you need something?”

 

“yeah,” she dismissed his offering hands and gave him a suspicious look, “you still haven’t answer my question.”

 

“geez, so cold,” the male crossed his hands, staring back at her with a pointed look, “just like your mother.”

 

he sighed when chaerin still keeping her suspicious eyes on him, “i’m lee sungmin. your dad’s younger brother. i’m your uncle.”

 

“you’re bluffing,” she countered bluntly.

 

the male — sungmin — spluttered, “wh—wha—why!?”

 

chaerin, ignoring his question, hastily made her way off the bed, “thank you for helping me but i really got to go—”

 

“h-hey wait!! i have proof!” sungmin grabbed her wrist, forcing her to a stop. seeing the surprised look in chaerin’s eyes, sungmin pulled his hand away as if he just touched a hot iron. he spluttered out an apology before quickly reached out for his wallet in his back pocket.

 

“look, here,” he took out a photo and gave it to chaerin, “that’s your dad. and me.” it was an old photograph of two teenage boys and though the color has faded out, chaerin knows her father’s smile all too well. 

 

“you trust me now?” chaerin nodded slowly and sat on the edge of the bed, the atmosphere in the room slowly calming down.

 

“after the accident, i tried to reach out and find you but they said someone from your mom’s side took you in. and now that i heard you’re not with them anymore, i thought maybe i could…” the older male paused and chaerin looked up to see his lopsided smile, “take you in.”

 

chaerin looked down, her eyes fixated on the old photo in her hand. her father is younger, but that smile of his, she will never forget it. so warm and comforting like a hot chocolate during a cold night. but all that, together with her mother’s warm hugs, were taken away from her in one night. 

 

“why? no one wants to take me in and if they do, they’d think it was too troublesome and throw me away to some orphanage. why would you take me in?”

 

her thumb brushed over her father’s face lightly, and her heart dropped at remembering the silent funeral, “none of their family members came to the funeral,” she looked up, hurt glazed over her defiant eyes, “not even you. why would i trust you?”

 

silence ensued, and chaerin started to feel regret slowly gnawing herself. she’s not the type to lose her cool so easily, especially not in front of someone she’s just met. she was able to maintain her stoic facade after the accident, during the funeral and even during the times she was passed around from one family to another. but somehow, she felt tired of everything and this guy just happened to be the one to poke her safety bubbles and let all the frustrations out.

 

the sound of the chair scrapping the floor broke the silence as sungmin sat across chaerin, “about the funeral, i’m sorry. if i can i would come—” he grabbed chaerin’s hand in assurance when the latter looked away, as if everything he’s saying were lies, “listen,” chaerin slowly looked at him and saw honesty and truth in his eyes, “i love your dad. he’s my big brother. he’s always there for me. when—when he eloped—i’m the only one who supported him.”

 

“then why didn’t you come?” chaerin questioned, pulling away her hand while breaking their eye contact, “until the end, they left without a word of love from their family.”

 

“i’m sorry…” sungmin looked down in grief, “it may sound like an excuse but…i didn’t know about the accident until two weeks after.”

 

another pause surrounded the pair before chaerin let out a bitter smile, “they hate my parents that much, huh?” 

 

sungmin said nothing, no words of objection nor something to convince her otherwise. it was no use anyway, everyone knows the truth; that the day his brother eloped with the ‘filthy child’ was the day he was dead to the family. 

 

“so that’s why i decided to take you in,” sungmin broke the silence and let out a smile, hoping to ease down the heavy atmosphere, “i mean, i’m a single man who lives alone. having a girl in would be nice.”

 

should i be worried? chaerin eyed the male in front of her in suspicion again, and sungmin continued,

 

“and maybe i can payback hyung by taking care of his precious daughter.”

 

chaerin’s eyes widened slightly; this gentle demeanour, this smile, sungmin truly is her father’s brother. and for the first time, sungmin was caught of guard because he swears he saw a faint smile on chaerin’s face.

 

“am i interrupting?”

 

the two lees’ attention was caught when a foreign voice interrupted them. sungmin stood up and walked towards the new male, unintentionally blocking chaerin’s sight from him, “you’re still here?”

 

“well, i was leaving but it would be rude to leave without saying goodbye.”

 

this voice…

 

“what are you saying? all this time you came and left this house like you own it.” 

 

“hold on, kitty. i’m taking you home.”

 

“well that’s—”

 

“so stay awake, okay?”

 

chaerin’s eyes widened slightly when she finally saw the male’s face before her eyes. he had dark brown hair, and a face that made him look like someone younger than her — a high schooler? — but when he entered the room with sungmin, chaerin suddenly remembers this is the same male who carried her all the way here, broad shoulder, warm back, home.

 

 “who is this?” she asked, eyes still on the unknown male.

 

“this is my friend. he’s the one who found you at the park,” sungmin introduced.

 

“hi,” the male grinned — definitely a high schooler — and waved at her, to which chaerin replied with a short nod. well, she was never known as a friendly person.

 

“after your aunt called and said you ran away from home i quickly went out to search for you with this guy. he brought you in as soon as he found you.”

 

“i’m taking you home.”

 

chaerin’s cheeks reddened slightly at the memories. it’s not like she’s shy about having an unknown male carry her home, but the fact that she just troubled a total stranger is not something she’s proud of. “thank you,” she said softly.

 

surprised, the male raised his hands, “ehh it’s nothing, why so formal,” he smiled meekly, scratching the back of his head, “i’m luhan by the way.”

 

luhan…. chaerin opened , “ah, i’m—”

 

“shoot, i gotta go now,” luhan stopped her, before hastily made his way out of the room, shouting, “bye ming!” and winking to chaerin’s direction, “and see you later, kitty.”

 

“yah, who’s kitty you old geezer,” sungmin shouted back, resting his hands on his hips with an annoyed look on his face.

 

i should…properly tell him my name, chaerin thought, her eyes lingered at the door where luhan just left.

 

“see you later, kitty.”

 

next time.

 

flowers bloom

 

it was a nice, sunny day on spring when chaerin wakes up horrified seeing her new school uniform.

 

“why do i have to wear this,” she questioned irritatingly, tugging the end of her skirt that, in her opinion, was showing too much of her skin. she would rather wear pants — like she did in her old school — but since her ‘uncle’ decided to enrol her in a prestigious school, she was stuck with this nightmare.

 

“it’s a standard school uniform!” sungmin argued, as if reading her mind. “now stay still, let uncle ming take your pretty pictures.”

 

“what are you doing?” chaerin’s question fell on deaf ears as sungmin continues taking her photos, the camera’s flash was irritating her but seems like she would have to punch the older male to make him realize this.

 

“ahh so cute!” sungmin cooed, satisfied at the amount of photos he took, “i’m making an album obviously. i’ll be taking photos of you growing up under my care and make your parents proud.”

 

what a weirdo, chaerin thought but she was too lazy to argue so she said nothing.

 

“okay let’s go now. you’re getting late.”

 

—

 

“good luck chaerinnie~ for your first day at a new school!”

 

i want to run away already, chaerin thought solemnly, ignoring sungmin’s energetic-self. she didn’t even bother to look over her shoulder to at least send him off with a wave. she just wanted to bury herself someplace where no one can look at her weirdly.

 

he’s doting on me too much, she huffed, tugging at the end of her pigtails. sungmin had insisted to tie her hair up and chaerin didn’t even got the chance to say otherwise, i don’t even want to know what he did during his past times to know all this.

 

the introduction part was uneventful. it was the same old thing; introducing herself as lee chaerin and she was a new student, but chaerin kept everything personal close to herself. she was then told to sit behind the class representative; a blonde, cheery girl named jessica jung, is your hair naturally straight? i’m so jealous, and next to jessica was gong minji, whom chaerin learned to be quite an athlete, join the volleyball team. i feel like you have the talent and the guy sitting next to chaerin was called kris wu, a tall guy with light brown, spiky hair, if you need any help, just ask me.

 

her first day at school has ended without a hitch, except for quite a confrontation from some of kris’ fangirls but that matter was solved easily when jessica came to her aid, and chaerin was ready to go home when the said female called for her, “do you want to walk home together?”

 

i thought her driver would be taking her home, chaerin thought, considering this is a prestigious school and jessica is coming from an influential family, but chose not to voice it out, “ah, sure—”

 

“hey kitty~~~!” the two teenagers jumped at the shrill voice and chaerin, knowing all to well the name-calling and the person’s voice, whipped her head to his direction, eyes as wide as the saucer. 

 

“wh-what are you doing here?” she rushed to the waving male, cheeks reddened in embarrassment when she felt eyes all over the two of them.

 

luhan rolled his eyes and made a face, “duh, picking you up of course. ming is busy so i’ll be sending you home.”

 

“chaerin, is everything okay?” jessica called out, looking worried as she eyed luhan in suspicion.

 

chaerin her heels and forced out a smile, “ah, yeah. i’m sorry jessica looks like we’ll walk home together next time.”

 

“ehh too bad.” the blonde girl pouted before she recovered, “it’s okay next time then, see you tomorrow.”

 

“you already made some friends on your first day,” luhan said when jessica walked away, a teasing smile on his face, “that’s good.”

 

chaerin glared at the older male and sungmin’s voice echoed in her head — he’s my friend from college — enough to stop his teasing smile, “hey, look. i can go home by myself—”

 

“tell that to your worrywart uncle. i’m just doing him a favor,” luhan cuts her off, starting the engine and putting on his sunglasses with a smirk, “get in, kitty.”

 

“and about that. name is lee chaerin,” chaerin crossed her arms over her chest defensively, “you can…stop calling me kitty.” how old is this guy again. he’s not some weird e right?

“i know. sungmin told me.” luhan grinned, pulling down his glasses just enough to wink at the flustered young lady, “i just see you as a cute kitty.”

 

—

 

months go by like passing waves and chaerin finally adjusted her life as a high school student and a niece with an overly attached uncle. she became accustomed to sungmin’s random hugs, kisses, encouraging words of love and she even got used to being pampered and treated like a princess by the older male. she also got a hang on her school life; she joined the volley ball club like minji had suggested, joined the student council with kris and even joined the debate team after jessica suggested her name. though she was busy around the clock, chaerin finds them to be pretty exciting.

 

“tutor?” chaerin looked up from her calculus book at sungmin’s suggestion, brows raised slightly.

 

“yeah, i’ve read your report cards from your previous schools. looks like you almost had to repeat your year.”

 

ah…chaerin returned her attention to her homework, scribbling down the answers, “there’s no need. i’ll be fine.”

 

“but chaerin—”

 

chaerin cuts him off, eyes still on the numbers, “if you read my records from my middle school you’ll see i was a top scorer. the one you read is around my parents’ accident and i’m not emotionally stable so i couldn’t excel in my studies.”

 

though she was back-facing him, chaerin could feel the surprised look on his uncle’s face. they didn’t talk much about the accident (since there aren’t much to talk about, i can’t remember most of them, she had told him) and when they do touch on the matter, it would always ended up in an awkward silence. for sungmin, at least, “chaerin.”

 

the young teen sighed silently at the soft call her name, “i’m fine now since you took me in so don’t worry. i won’t be needing a tutor ackkk—” 

 

sungmin had hugged her a bit too tightly from behind.

 

“you poor girl! my poor chaerin!” the older male cried, pulling her head to his chest, “you’ve been through so much. i’m sorry i wasn’t there earlier.”

 

“…it’s nothing…” chaerin muttered against the fabric of sungmin’s shirt, this feels warm.

 

“am i interrupting something?”

 

“luhan!” sungmin jumped off chaerin’s back to rush to his best friend, “chaerin just told me something sad!”

 

“don’t tell any unnecessary things to other people!!” chaerin threatened, standing up in alarm. her uncle has quite a big mouth. she didn’t know what he told luhan about her. and she didn’t intend to find out.

 

sungmin pouted to her direction, still hanging onto the confused luhan, “but still chaerin. i think having a tutor is still a good idea. i mean, you left school for quite a while now. maybe just until you can catch up with what you left behind?”

 

“a tutor? can i be the tutor?” luhan suddenly voiced out, with that stupid grin on his face.

 

what is this guy talking about—

 

“that’s a good idea!”

 

what!?

 

“since you and chaerin already knew each other it would be easier! can you do that luhan?”

 

“yeah,” luhan gave them a thumb up and a wink, “i’ll do it for free too.”

 

“i know i can count on you!!” sungmin gleefully clapped his hands, delighted at his friend’s idea.

 

what are they thinking…chaerin sighed as she pinched the bridge of her nose. she could feel this ending up in a disastrous road. but sungmin was humming cheerfully and luhan was giving her a wide toothy grin and she knew arguing would be useless when it comes to sungmin — and luhan was grinning — so she sighed again but this time with a thin smile.

 

stupid.

 

—

 

“luhan?” sungmin paused to swallow his dinner, “what about him?”

 

it’s been a few weeks since luhan agreed to be her tutor and the older male had been coming to the lee residence even more frequently. chaerin also felt like she had been spending most of her time around luhan, but never once did she asks the older male about himself. the only thing she had known about luhan is his name, he’s twenty-five (a year younger than sungmin) and he’s from china.

 

and she’s not the type to poke her nose into other people’s life.

 

“i was curious what he did for living,” chaerin started, sounding as casual as she could be. yes, she’s not the type to poke her nose into other people’s life; but luhan made her as curious as a cat. “he’d been coming and leaving this house as if he’s homeless.”

 

“you’re right.” sungmin chuckled at her wordings, “he has his own house actually. but maybe because he’s living alone and he’s like a rabbit so he kept coming here.”

 

“a rabbit?” chaerin tilted her head in confusion.

 

“ah you know what people say. rabbits can’t live on their own. or else they would die or something,” sungmin explained, reaching out for another piece of egg-roll.

 

“that’s how i see luhan anyway. that guy can’t stand being alone.”

 

—

 

the sky was bright blue, with puffy clouds of white that seemed like cotton candies if you looked at it a certain way. the air was fresh and breezy, like how spring air would be, and people chattered on, the city buzzed with excitement. 

 

chaerin blew her bangs off her eyes, i need to get my hair cut, maybe just a trim, it’s getting irritating, and walked her way through the crowd to a more secluded area just at the outskirts of the town. it was an address that sungmin gave to her and chaerin looked around, searching for a certain dark haired male.

“kitty?” oh, speak of the devil, “what are you doing here?” luhan asked, jogging to her direction with eyes wide in wonder and a wide smile spread across his face.

 

“uncle asked me to send this to you,” chaerin answered, holding up a nicely wrapped container, “he has a meeting so he couldn’t come instead. he said sorry.”

 

the container exchanged hands and luhan excitedly unwrapped it, his eyes sparkled in glee at seeing white rice and assorted side dishes, “wahhh food!” he exclaimed with a grin, “thanks kitty.”

 

chaerin was taken aback, “but it was my uncle…” she muttered cooly, hiding the faint blush on her cheeks behind her palm. she was never the type to blush like little girls, but lately luhan had been poking on some of the sides she never knew she had before. 

 

get a grip, lee!

 

“you want to come inside!?” luhan offered when chaerin was about to leave (out of embarrassment), and before chaerin could politely decline, the latter had grabbed her wrist and dragged her to a small building just around the corner. 

 

it was new and chaerin could still smell the dried cement but it seems fairly empty and dusty. there were a few smaller rooms that were already flourished with flooring and wallpapers. chaerin recognized two of the rooms as some sort of a dance studios, and they walk further, before stopping. luhan opened the door to an empty room but chaerin’s eyes were caught at the grand piano placed just at the centre of the room.

 

“it’s small but it’ll grow someday.” said luhan, and chaerin couldn’t look away from the serene in his eyes as he smiled softly at the empty room; his pride, “one day, i’ll have my own learning centre. so i can teach and share music with other people.”

 

the two of them walked slowly towards the piano and chaerin felt surreal, like she was in an entirely different world. this is luhan’s, she thought, this is a place different from the outside world, different from hers. she’s slowly seeing another part of luhan.

 

“you play piano?” she asked as luhan sat on the chair.

 

“yeah,” he pressed a key, “you play any musical instruments, kitty?”

 

chaerin shook her head no and run her fingers over the body, “my dad…plays piano. there’s this one song he always plays and my mom would sing.” 

 

it was such a happy moment.

 

her eyes dropped slightly in melancholy and luhan stared up at her in silence before he asked, “that song. can you tell me how it goes?” when chaerin looks up, luhan was smiling at her, “if you want i can play it for you.”

 

this time, chaerin didn’t even try to hide her blush nor her excitement. her heart raced and her words came out in stutters, “ah… i-i have it recorded in my—my phone,” but for some reason, she thought it was okay. 

 

the song was undone, but luhan just need to listen to it in one go before his lithe fingers start dancing across the black and white keys to create music that warmed chaerin like the sun during winter. the snow slowly melted under the golden rays and chaerin felt the first flower of spring blooms in her,

 

“thank you luhan.”

 

—

 

summer is here. the sun was a glaring ball of fire and chaerin swears it’s gonna be the death of her. she had always hated summer. except for the holidays, but everything else, she hated them.

 

“a blind date?” chaerin raised her brows as she fans herself. it was as hot as an oven even with her sleeves rolled all the way up her shoulders. her hair was tied into a messy ponytail but there are still strands of hair sticking to her sweaty face and neck which annoys her a lot.

 

“yeah. my friend asked if i have some friends to join,” jessica said, eased with her small electric fan, “you want to come?”

 

“not really—” 

 

“come on chaerin-ah!” minji interrupted, hanging on chaerin’s back like a big furry, sweaty koala she is. the latter whined at the weight and the fact everything is sticky, minji must’ve just finished her volley ball training, “this might be a chance for us to date some hotties! don’t you want that?”

 

i haven’t think about those stuff…

 

“you don’t have to date them,” jessica assured with a smile, “just come and hang out. what happens after that is up to you. we just need to complete the group since we’re short of three people.”

 

chaerin gave it a thought, no harm in trying right? i can always leave if they guys are starting to act all weird, before sighing, “sure then,” she reluctantly agreed, with minji replied with a cheer.

 

“what are you girls talking about?” kris butts in, looking curious. the male had his honey hair tied up because of the heat and his sleeves rolled up just like chaerin.  

 

“hey kris! we’re going to a blind date this weekend!” minji answered, getting off chaerin’s back which the latter appreciates with a relief sigh, “you wanna come too?”

 

“uhh no thanks,” kris declined, “a blind date huh? chaerin you’re going too?”

 

all eyes were on chaerin at kris’ sudden question. the girl raised her hand cooly, “i’m just there to complete the group.”

 

relief flashed across kris’ face as he let out a wide smile, “ah i see. that’s good then,” he stood up and left the group when one of his friends called for him. the group went silent before jessica smirked at chaerin.

 

“kris is totally into you.”

 

“what?”

 

“well, he’s relieved knowing you’re only there to hang out and nothing more,” the girl continues, fanning herself and chaerin really wants to snatch that electric fan from her hand, “it’s not that serious, but i think maybe he likes you. a bit probably.”

 

“it was nothing,” chaerin countered lazily, “you’re thinking too much.”

 

like, huh?

 

“a blind date?” luhan parroted, pushing himself up from chaerin’s bed. 

 

it was their tutorial session and as usual, luhan would treat chaerin’s room like his (and chaerin was reminded how sungmin said luhan is like a rabbit and easily attached to people) though it bothers at first (since her personal space is being forcefully invaded by a space rabbit) she gradually gets used to luhan’s antics. 

 

“yeah, i’m just there to complete the group since they’re short in people,” chaerin said, absorbed in her math questions.

luhan laid back on chaerin’s bed, “still…it sounds fun.”

 

chaerin stops her writing, biting her lips and muster her courage, “hey, luhan,” she called, not turning to the older male, “what do you think?” she swallowed, “about me going to the blind date?”

 

“well, he’s relieved knowing you’re only there to hang out and nothing more.”

 

“it’s not that serious, but i think maybe he likes you. a bit probably.”

 

jessica’s voice rang in her head and chaerin already regretted her question. luhan wouldn’t care. she’s just like a little kid in his eyes. 

 

and most importantly why would she cares on how luhan feels about it?

 

“i think you’ll have some fun,” luhan answers and chaerin brushed away the slight drop of her heart, “but you have to tell sungmin though. he’ll be worried.”

 

what about you?

 

wait what? chaerin slapped her cheeks, surprising luhan, cut it out lee chaerin. you’re thinking weird things.

 

“kitty? are you okay?” luhan asked, concerned by the younger’s act.

 

“what?” chaerin turned to luhan, only to be surprised at how close the older male had got to her. he was looking down at her and chaerin’s breath was caught at how the light from her table lamp illuminates his features, his eyelashes are long for a guy, honey brown eyes—

 

“you looked red. are you having a fever?” 

 

chaerin snapped from her thoughts and turned away, gripping her pen so tight that her knuckles whitened, 

 

“i’m okay.”

 

—

 

“hey, you’re…chaerin, right?”

 

chaerin smiled tightly at the question. the ‘blind date’ had been quite uneventful on her side (since jessica and minji seems to have so much fun singing their hearts out right now) and chaerin’s mind was occupied with her soft fluffy bed and her beloved rilakkuma for the whole day. before ending the day they decided to go karaoke at the noraebang in her neighborhood and chaerin politely declined every requests for her to sing when of the guys approach her.

 

he’s cute, chaerin silently noted, what’s his name again, she couldn’t even recall the guy’s name since she had been busy trying to avoid any form of intimate contact for the whole day. yes, the guy is cute and he looks like a nice person too, but chaerin didn’t feel like forming any sort of relationship with him (or any other guys) at the moment.

 

“excuse me,” she said, softly brushing away the guy’s attempt to know her closer and exiting the room after whispering to jessica that she’s done for the night. she sighed after she stepped out of the noraebang, breathing in deeply as if she had been suffocated for the whole day.

 

“kitty?”

 

chaerin jumped at the familiar voice, her head whipped towards luhan who is smiling brightly as he jogs to her direction.

 

“what are you doing here? i thought you’re going to a blind date?”

 

chaerin scratched the nape of her neck, looking away bashfully, “yeah, i was… but i don’t think any of the guys are interested in me.”

 

“eh? are you serious?” luhan exclaimed, “but you’re cute!”

 

chaerin’s eyes widened at luhan’s words, though it’s already night  time, she definitely thinks the summer heat is getting to her. her face was burning and her heart beats so fast that she’s worried it’s gonna jump out of her chest.

 

“what’s wrong?” luhan asked, oblivious with the teenage girl’s reaction.

 

“i-i’m fine,” chaerin stuttered, covering her face with the back of her hand as she tries to turn away from luhan.

 

“you’re lying. you’ve been acting weird since before,” luhan caught her hand and tugged her to his direction,  “are you ok—” his words died in his throat when chaerin looked up at him with wide glistening eyes and a flushed face before the younger one jerked her hands away and walk past him without looking back. 

 

“i’m going home.”

 

i’m a cold person.

 

time flew by and the only thing chaerin looks forward to during summer has finally arrived; the summer break. after what happened during the night of the blind date, luhan had been busy with his work, saving chaerin the troubles from avoiding him. she didn’t talk about it to her friends either, figuring there’s not much to talk about since she had yet figure out her feelings.

 

“what's your plan for the summer, chaerin?”

 

minji asked as she sprawls over chaerin’s bed, leisurely going through the girl’s manga collections. it’s been a week and minji had spend her time in chaerin’s room since there’s no one at home that could relieve her boredom. however, having one week spent going through other people’s magazines and manga collections doubles up her boredom even more.

 

“studying, preparing for the next semester,” chaerin answered casually.

 

“that sounds depressing,” minji commented exasperatedly, “let’s go have some fun. i’m dying from boredom over here.”

 

“you can always ask your parents to take you to a vacation or something,” chaerin said, flipping another page of her sherlock holmes’ novel, “uncle sungmin will be working the whole summer vacation; it’s not like i have any choice.”

 

“that…sounds even more depressing,” minji muttered under her breath. she rolled over the bed, her hands thrown to the sides as she sighed, “i wish someone would plan for a trip. i’m too lazy to do so.”

 

“i heard you call.”

 

the two girls jumped in surprise when jessica opened the door, appearing out of nowhere. the girl was slightly sweating from the heat and she was wearing shades which revealed her cold eyes when she removed them, “what’s with this depressing mood. you guys are ruining my summer.”

 

“oh lord jessica!” minji hollered, jumping off the bed to pull the other one into a suffocating hug, “please, please save us peasants from depressing summer!”

 

“i heard you, my favorite subject,” jessica pushed the whining girl away, “it’s too hot. stop hugging.”

 

“wait how did you come in,” chaerin interrupted, “i swear i locked the door—”

 

“i let her in!”

 

chaerin’s face darkened at luhan’s cheery voice as she glares threateningly at the older male, “what the are you doing here.”

 

luhan’s made a face, “language, kitty. uncle ming won’t like it if he knows.”

 

“boohoo. get out,” the brunette replied flatly, kicking the older one’s leg as she tries to close the door.

 

“why is kitty so mean to meeeee,” luhan whined, stopping her from closing the door, “uncle lulu is lonelyyyy.”

 

“you’re gross, get out,” chaerin hissed in annoyance, pushing the brown haired male’s forehead when he tries to get into the room, “yah!” it’s not the first time luhan doing this. somehow chaerin thinks he had been infected with sungmin’s clinginess (he should find a new friend, goddammit) but doing this in front of her friends is so unsightly. 

 

“why are you so snappy,” luhan continued with his whines, “it’s not like i’ve never been to your room—”

 

“waaaaaahhhhh!!!” chaerin yelled over his sentence, her cheeks burnt in embarrassment. gathering her strength, she pushed the older male as hard as she could, causing him to lost his balance and tripped onto the floor with his bum. she childishly stuck out her tongue victoriously, before slamming the door close.

 

luhan chuckled lightly before standing up, “sungmin told me to deliver some food for you since he forgot to cook this morning. see you later, kitty!” he shouted from outside and walk away with a smile when chaerin replied with a curt, “whatever!”

 

chaerin huffed when she heard luhan walking away. she forgot the older one has claimed his residency in the house since he had been coming and leaving whenever he wants. what’s more, she surprised herself for her childish banter with luhan just now. wasn’t she trying to avoid luhan?

 

“that was quite an amusing sight,” jessica commented, snapping her from her trance.

 

“so he’s been in your roo—”

 

“wahhhhhh!” chaerin cuts her off in panic, “it’s not that, idiot! he’s uncle sungmin’s friend. he’s been tutoring me for a while.”

 

chaerin closed her eyes to calm down her breathing and rapidly beating heart. why was she so nervous anyway? luhan is her uncle’s friend and her tutor. there’s nothing wrong with that. gaining her composure, she went to her desk to pick up where she had left her reading.

 

but jessica wasn’t having any of that.

 

“what’s his name again?”

 

chaerin visibly flinched at the sudden question. but she answered calmly, “luhan.”

 

“his age?”

 

“twenty-five.”

“8 years older,” came the comment.

 

the brunette turned to jessica, “what’s with the questions?”

 

“you like him?”

 

chaerin’s eyes widened as she sputtered indignantly, “wh—what!? wh—why would—would i!? l-like!? him!?”

 

interesting, “you’ve been blushing since he came here.”

 

“i did not blush!” chaerin countered back, tad bit defensively, her face going against her words in flaming red.

 

“it’s just we had been spending some times together—and—and lately i’ve been having this weird pain in my chest whenever i’m with him but i don’t know—i don’t like him—okay!?” the brunette huffed, her eyes glaring daggers, like a tiger ready to pounce if any of them tries to pry even more.

 

it’s obvious she likes him, both jessica and minji mused silently. well, better let her have the fun figuring out herself, jessica decided, shrugging, “if you say so.”

 

chaerin visibly relaxed at this and jessica continues, “i’m here because i have a proposal.”

 

the two girls look at the blonde curiously as she smirks,

 

“what do you think about going to a private beach?”

 

—

 

“uwwwwahhhh it’s really the beach!!” minji hollered excitedly as she ran across the white sand, the ocean inviting her like a calling. 

 

“it always made me feel good seeing cute young girl so excited,” jessica mused with a content smile, watching minji kicking the water gleefully.

 

“yeah…” chaerin replied with an irate tone and pointed at the source of her irritation, “remind me why is this guy here again?”

 

‘this guy’ grinned at her question, he was wearing a white hoodie, which is ped, giving the world a peek of his toned abs. he bent forward, closing his face with chaerin with a cheeky smile, “this guy is here because uncle ming won’t let you go to the beach without a guardian.”

 

chaerin gritted her teeth, this guy needs a proper lesson about personal space, and pushed luhan’s head out of the way as she grumpily went to set up the umbrella for her to shade under. luhan lets out a boisterous laugh, following chaerin like a rabbit he is, not budging despite being physically attack by the younger female.

 

“is he really a friend of chaerin’s uncle?” kris asked jessica, suspiciously eyeing the bickering pair in front of them.

 

“yeah, his university friend,” jessica took of her shades, “i heard he’s 9 years older than us. what a baby face, right?”

 

“9 years!?” kris repeated, baffled, that childish guy!? 

 

well, maybe he’s the type that looks younger than his age but is really mature, kris convinced himself. he met chaerin’s uncle before and that man has a face younger than his age too. so maybe this guy is the same.

 

“hey kitty,” luhan called out, bringing their attention before he ignorantly place his hand on chaerin’s chest, “why aren’t you in bikinis? it’s not like you’re flat-chested.”

 

while jessica was greatly amused and kris was stupefied, chaerin felt like her soul is slowly leaving her body before she forced it back in, her body trembled in rage, “you…”

 

“you—tard!!!!!!!!!”

 

—

 

“you don’t need to go that far you know,” luhan weeped as he nurses his injured cheek from chaerin’s iron fist. 

 

chaerin hugged her feet tightly, barricading her body from further molestation from the older male (goddammit he’s a y old geezer), “you deserve it, ert!”

 

“but i was sincerely asking you why you didn’t wear any bikinis,” luhan defended, “aren’t teenagers nowadays went to the beach to show off their bikinis? at least during my times they are.”

 

chaerin looked at the dark haired male like he just grew another head, “are you being serious right now? why would i do that?”

 

luhan pouted and sighed as he leaned back against his hands, looking at the vast ocean, “i guess i’m growing old.”

 

silence ensued between the two. jessica had forcefully dragged kris with her and gone to play with minji. they three of them were having so much fun, frolicking under the sun like little children, splashing salt water to each other, their laughter fills the air. since it was a private beach, there aren’t much people except for those whom associated with jessica’s family. it was calming.

 

“why aren’t you playing with them?” luhan asked, noticing the serene look in chaerin’s eyes as she watches her friends.

 

“it’s too hot. i don’t like getting myself under the sun that much,” chaerin said, “i’m happy just watching them.”

 

luhan said nothing, seeing the satisfied smile gracing the younger one’s face. his lips also quirk into a small smile, it is pleasant seeing chaerin in such good mood.

 

“by the way, luhan,” chaerin spoke, breaking the silence. the younger still refused to call him ‘oppa’ despite the numerous time he pleaded her to call him that just because he never had anyone calling him that. he gave a low ‘hmm?’ as a reply, waiting for the younger one to continue.

 

“you really…want me to wear a bikini?”

 

luhan choked on his saliva at the sudden question. he had meant for it to be a joke and it was really a sincere question but he did not mean it that way. his head snapped towards the young brunette and his eyes widened seeing chaerin burying her face into her folded arms, the faint pink on her ears doesn’t go unnoticed in luhan’s eyes. he swallowed, pondering on a proper reply. 

 

chaerin waited for luhan to say something; anything, because she felt like she’s going to die in embarrassment any time soon. she just blurted the question without thinking, wondering what kind of reply would she get.

 

but what kind of reply is she hoping for?

 

she jumped when luhan reached out to ruffle her hair and when she looked up, the older male was chuckling, his eyes turned into a pair of crescents, “what kind of question is that, kitty? i don’t mind what you’re wearing.” he then stood up, stretching out his arms, “ahh i am so thirsty. i’m gonna get something to drink.”

 

for a moment there, chaerin felt a thump in her heart when luhan smiled at her. it’s not like the older male never smiles (in fact he did that so many times) but for some reason, lately, everything that luhan does stir something in her. it made her feels uneasy and almost nauseous, not to mention the chest pain she felt whenever she’s with him. 

 

what is this feeling.

 

“where is he going?” kris asked, breaking chaerin from her reverie. 

 

“he went to get something to drink,” she answered cooly, fanning herself to ease down the rising heat.

 

kris said nothing but jessica noticed that from the look in his eyes, he was suspicious about the relationship between the two. sorry kris, i really want to support you, jessica muttered in her head, sparing a glance to the reddened chaerin, who is gripping her chest tight, but chaerin comes first.

 

i won’t mind anyone as long as she’s happy.

 

luhan sighed as he scratched the back of his head. chaerin’s question, the look on her partially hidden face, they play in his mind like a record. he looked up the blue sky, letting the wind ruffled his hair,

 

“don’t get carried away, luhan.”

 

—

 

“hey, lee chaerin.”

 

jessica looked down at the said girl who is far too absorbed with her reading, her face twitch in annoyance, “what are you reading?

 

“huh?” chaerin looked up, her answer came out smoothly, “the triangular theory of love.”

 

i’m getting headache because of this child, jessica massaged her temple with a heavy sigh, “and why is that?”

 

“this weird feeling i got when i’m around luhan is bothering me,” the brunette answered, continuing her reading, “i thought i’d do some research and probably find a way to stop it.”

 

the early twitch appears again and jessica slammed close the laptop, earning an irritated ‘hey, what gives?’ from chaerin. 

 

“have you had any boyfriend before, chaerin-ah?” the blonde girl asked, her arms crossed.

 

“no. i was too busy with my school to find one. and i think the boys are scared at me too.”

 

go figures. “well, just a word of advice; this kind of ’thing’ you can’t just read the theories over the internet or some books. it involves feelings, something you can never describe with words. it’s bothersome? yes. but is it worth it?”

 

she pointed to chaerin, a glint in her eyes, “ yes.”

 

“it’s gonna hurt like hell for sure,” she ruffled chaerin’s hair, sending her a wink,

 

“but nothing good comes without a few hardships, right?”

 

—

 

“this kind of ’thing’ you can’t just read the theories over the internet or some books. it involves feelings, something you can never describe with words.”

 

even if she said that, chaerin sighed, it’s still irritating.

 

she watched outside the window, the crisp, autumn leaves blissfully swaying around in the wind as they fell out of the tree. up until now, her everyday routine was still the same. school, homework, tutor, luhan—everything stays the same. she intended to keep it that way anyway. that’s why she’s trying so hard to suppress her feelings, feared that it might be a glitch that will interrupt her everyday, peaceful routine.

 

she wondered if this ‘thing’ is really what she thinks it is—if it is indeed love, what would she plan to do with it? this kind of feeling is almost like a heavy burden and to think she wanted to give it to luhan, she wondered if he would accept it.

 

what was she expecting?

 

does she wants luhan to accept her feelings? sometimes she thinks about the possibility and though it made her chest tightened, it feels good, almost peaceful even though it was merely a thought, her wishful thinking. but then, what happens after that? where will they go from there?

 

she didn’t know and she was afraid of not knowing.

 

even so, that is for her to think if luhan accepts her feelings. but if he doesn’t—

 

“hey, kitty.”

 

if luhan doesn’t, then—

 

“uncle ming will be home late, so i brought dinner,” he grinned, lifting up a bag of groceries, “it’ll be just the two of us.”

 

—chaerin wondered if she could live with that.

 

“ahhhhh,” luhan let out a burp (gross, chaerin’s mutter didn’t go unnoticed) and rubbed his non-existent baby fat tummy. 

 

“that was a great dinner,” luhan said excitedly, “hey, kitty where did you learn to cook so well?”

 

and here i thought him bringing dinner means he’d be the one that cooks, chaerin thought grudgingly as she washes the dirty dishes, “i’ve always helped my mom at the kitchen. i liked cooking, guess i learned along the way.”

 

“ahh is that so? you’re a great cook, kitty. you’d be a great wife!”

 

crash! one of sungmin’s china plate slipped from chaerin’s hands at luhan’s words—you’d be a great wife!

 

“h-hey! are you okay!?” luhan asked, alarmed. he quickly rushed over to the stupefied brunette, “don’t move, i’ll clean up the shards.”

 

“eh no,” chaerin objected, jumping from her reverie when luhan was coming to her direction, “i’ll clean it up.”

 

, chaerin thought as she crouched down to pick up the shards, , , my heart won’t stop beating fast! luhan was across her, his brown hair fall over his eyes as he bent down to help her pick up the remaining pieces. she couldn’t help but to stare, gazing at the way his eyelashes fan over his cheeks. he’s beauti—

 

—wait.

 

get a grip, lee! chaerin mentally cursed herself, what are you? a ert? 

 

“it’s gonna hurt like hell for sure, but nothing good comes without a few hardships, right?”

 

uwwwahhhhhh, she wailed inside her head, why am i thinking about this right now!?

 

“kitty?”

 

chaerin whipped her head in surprise when luhan called her, “are you okay?”

 

, he might think i’m weird, chaerin thought miserably, “i-i’m okay…” 

 

luhan was staring at her intently, obviously not buying her words. by now, she can hear her heart beating loudly against her chest, waiting to leap out from if she opens .

 

“wh—why are you staring at me?” she dared to ask.

 

“well,” she jumped when luhan leaned closer, his eyes never breaking away from hers. she almost yelped when the older male grabbed her hand, but her words died in upon seeing crimson liquid dripping from her fingers.

 

“you cut yourself,” luhan pointed out with raised brows, “that’s why i ask if you’re okay.”

 

mother, father, take me to heaven with you.

 

“geez, you’re really one of a kind, kitty,” luhan nagged as he tend to her wounds.

 

“sorry,” she said meekly, her eyes never looking up to luhan.

 

“is there anything that bothers you, kitty?”

 

chaerin’s head snapped up at the sudden question. luhan was not looking at her, focused at wrapping the bandage, “you seemed troubled these days. why is that?”

 

there is it, the tightness in her chest. luhan, annoying and too bubbly for this world, luhan, and his erted, clingy antics, luhan, and his effortless kindness and gentleness.

 

luhan and his home-like warmth.

 

this space rabbit that managed to invade her personal space, has made home in chaerin’s heart.

 

“i’ve been having some troubles lately,” she says softly, bringing luhan’s attention. 

 

“umm,” she could feel her face heating up as the second ticks by. she never imagines this day would come. and too fast at that too.

 

“have…have you been confessed to before?”

 

oh, love talk? luhan’s ears perked up at the unusual question. well, supposedly it was not unusual since this kind of thing is normal among teenagers. but this is lee chaerin. the most bizarre teenager he had ever encountered. she was different from other people, luhan had noticed, and maybe that’s why she stood out so much (in luhan’s eyes).

 

but right now, seeing this teenage girl, cheeks as red as the tomatoes, her head hid between her shoulders, eyes never looking up, luhan thought it was quite endearing.

 

and interesting.

 

“well,” he started, “i’ve been confessed to before. mostly during my high school years though. i got it now and then but not as much as before. i guess because i’m getting old and i’m focusing more at my job.” he laughed lightly at the end of his answer. it was true though, considering he’s planning to open up a music learning centre, he’s been too busy with works. he cant even remember the last time he had a girlfriend.

 

“i see,” chaerin said, seemingly pondering on luhan’s answer, “you’re quite good-looking and your personality is nice (and annoying) too. so it is possible.”

 

he raised his brows before leaning close to the younger female, leering, “what’s this kitty? if i didn’t know better, i would’ve thought you had fallen for me.”

 

while chaerin’s face burned in embarrassment, luhan let out a boisterous laugh, his head fell back, “it’s a joke—”

 

“what—what if i tell you, i’ve already fallen for you?”

 

luhan laughed, and chaerin felt a sting in her chest when the laughter came out too cheerily, “then i would take it as an honor to have a high school—” his words died on his throat when he saw chaerin looking at him with that straight face of hers, but what caught him the most was the glistening tears in the younger’s eyes.

 

“kitty—” he reached out, only to be pushed away by the younger one. her lips were pressed into thin line, her face scrunched to prevent the tears from falling. luhan felt a sudden pang and before he could say anything, chaerin stood up and turned around to make her leave.

 

“kitty!” he called out, catching up to her strides to grab her wrist. he spun her around, his mouth opened to say something but he stopped himself, what was it he is going to say?

 

that was a confession, isn’t it? he thought. chaerin was standing still. she didn’t look at his way, but she didn’t pull away either. he swallowed thickly, what was it that he is going to say?

 

“i’m sorry,” chaerin suddenly said, “this kind of thing must be a bother to you right? please forget about it.”

 

“then—was that a lie?”

 

“no,” luhan flinched, “i was telling the truth. but it’s up to you if you want to reject it. i just want to get it off my chest.”

 

she gently pries his hand away, and luhan bites back the bitterness seeing chaerin forcing a small smile on her face,

 

“i’m okay now.”

 

“kitty…”

 

“luhan,” she cuts him, “if you don’t mind, can you leave now?”

 

luhan was taken aback at the request. she wasn’t even looking at him but luhan knows better than to push her further. so he wordlessly left the house, giving the young brunette some space she needed.

 

the moment he closed the door behind him, he didn’t miss the sound of her falling on her knees with soft, pitiful sobs.

 

it’s cold here.

 

“you want to stop the tutoring?”

 

sungmin looked over his glasses at chaerin’s sudden request. the younger lee gave a stony-faced nod,

 

“yeah, i think i’m good now. i easily scored all the tests and quizzes. i think i’ll be fine.” she continued, “you can tell luhan he didn’t need to tutor me anymore. tell him thanks and i appreciate his help.”

 

“so that’s what she said,” sungmin exhaled the smoke, peering over to luhan.

 

“did you two fight or something?”

 

the younger one jumped, “w-why?”

 

“well, she didn’t show it to me, but i can see something is bothering her,” he turned to look at him, “you too.”

 

“it’s not that!” luhan countered, “we were fine with each other. i’ve been busy with my new learning centre maybe that’s why we didn’t hang out as much.”

 

“chaerin is also busy with her school. she’ll become a third year soon and she needs to focus for her entrance exam later, it’s best not to disturb her.”

 

“you’re right,” sungmin turned away and exhale more smoke, “chaerin is important to me. when i decided to take her in, i made a promise with myself that i would shower with love and happiness. whatever she wanted to do in the future, i will support her as best as i can.”

 

“but she’s at that age where everything around her can hurt her deeply, so i want nothing more other than to protect her and make sure she grows up beautifully and happily.”

 

sungmin pretended not to notice the way luhan grips the railing so tight that his knuckles whitened.

 

“yeah…”

 

—

 

days gone by and it’s almost winter. chaerin had managed to avoid luhan and busying herself with her studies and she had sungmin to thank for ending her tutor session with luhan. 

 

how is he, she couldn’t help but to think. every single time she’s alone doing nothing, her mind would wander back to the older male, to his smile and his cheeky demeanour, to the things about him that make her smile thinly. but then she would remember the confession, the look on luhan’s face, troubled and guilty. and just like that all the good memories were taken away by the waves and she was left standing by the ocean, staring longingly at what she couldn’t reach.

 

what would i do if i saw him again, she thought, pulling the scarf to cover her reddened nose. winter is already here and as much as she loves the season, her body still couldn’t stand the chilly wind. 

 

if i saw him again—

 

her steps came to a halt when her eyes landed on a familiar figure, leaning against his navy blue sedan. 

 

—what would i do?

 

“what are you doing here?”

 

his hair is a lighter shade of brown, chaerin had notice. it also seems like he hadn’t been shaving for a while, and his face looks sunken, when is the last time he took a break?

 

it could be work, she said to herself. but the truth is, she wished it’s because of the confession.

 

“your uncle couldn’t pick you up. he asked me to come instead,” luhan told her and chaerin almost sigh in relief, his voice is still the same.

 

“it’s okay,” she said finally, “i’ll be going to jessica’s house for a study group. she’ll send me home after.”

 

“wait!” luhan  stopped her when she turned to walk away from him, “does…does sungmin know?”

 

chaerin didn’t face him, “i’m about to text him. i’ll inform him properly.” 

 

“wa—”

 

“luhan,” she stopped him, “it’s okay if you didn’t pick me up after this. i know you’re busy with your work and everything. i will talk to uncle sungmin. if he can’t pick me up, i’ll stay at jessica’s place instead.” 

 

“you don’t have to come anymore.”

 

—

 

chaerin scowled behind the threads of her scarf, breathing out wisps of hot air in the contrastingly cold winter night as she muttered unhappy phrases under his breath. it was too chilly tonight. she couldn’t wait to head home and warm herself up with some warm bath and hot chocolate. jessica was supposed to send her home but the blonde girl had some family matters to attend to, something about arranged marriage she had told her.

 

i thought that kind of thing does not exist anymore, chaerin thought as she shuffles through the snowy pavement. jessica is so mature, her inner monologue continues, she has a strong will too.

 

i want to be strong.

 

chaerin looked up as she let out a sigh, the moon hung high in the night sky lighting the the path she walked. a light breeze ghosting across his face as she lazily counting the stars as she walked. it was midnight and the rest of the people in the small town were already visiting the world of dreams, either pleasant adventure or unpleasant terrors.

she usually wasn't alone during this kind of time. she always had her parents next to her. her love for the blinking stars came from them. the three of them would sit outside, huddled together and count the stars and talk about nothing and everything.

 

“do you know what orion is?”

 

she moved her eyes from the sky to her hand, she could still feel the warmth of another hand in her even after all these months have passed of them being apart. it gave her heart a slight twinge, remembering the night she confessed to luhan. when he grabbed her hand, she pretended not to notice the slight tremble.

 

she stretched her hand towards the sky, stopping it over a star that seemed to be isolated from the others and her father’s voice echoed in her head,

 

“it’s the star that will show you the way when you’re lost.”

when she looked away from the sky, her steps stopped when he saw the man that had been in her mind standing outside her house, his hands shoved into his pockets as he rocked his body side to side, a futile attempt to create some heat.

 

“a signpost of hope.”

 

there was something warm bloomed in chaerin, tugging her heartstring seeing luhan in front of her. the older male looked up, as if sensing her presence and chaerin willed her heart to stay put when he sent her a thin smile, his nose and cheeks flushed because of the cold,

 

“walk with me?”

 

chaerin said nothing but she didn’t object. it’s been too long. she knew nothing good will come if she keeps running away. luhan is sungmin’s best friend, almost a family—they’re bound to each other one way or another.

 

“did you know, chaerin?” luhan spoke up after a long moment of silence between them, “orion is a sign to travellers. you can tell the time and direction from its position. a signpost of hope. if you become lost, that star will show you the way.” he let out a chuckle, “though it’s not really needed at this time and age.”

 

chaerin stopped walking, slightly taken aback at how luhan sounded too much like her father. even the first time they met, luhan felt oddly familiar, like the warmth of her lost home. luhan also stopped walking, turning around to face her,

 

“you’re my orion.”

 

her eyes widened at his words. what—

 

“i believed that the first time i found you and brought you home, there’s a reason why i’m the one that found you and not sungmin.”

 

“mother,” luhan’s attention was caught when the girl behind her whimpered in her sleep, soft sobs coming from her, “father…”

 

“i thought it was just an affection between a brother to a younger sister. but i was wrong,” he looked away, and chaerin wondered if the flushed cheeks were really because of the cold.

 

“thank you luhan.”

 

chaerin was smiling. but it’s not just any smile. it’s like the first blooming flower after a long winter. it was bright and her eyes were twinkling like the stars. 

 

luhan had never felt this way.

 

“you are my reason to keep going. my learning centre, sungmin was the only one that didn’t laugh about it. and you—you were the first stranger. before this, i thought opening the centre was only for my satisfaction and that’s why if it never goes well, at least i can be satisfied that i tried.”

 

“but after i met you, it was not like that anymore. everything i did, i did it for you, with the thought of you. you are my signpost of hope, chaerin.”

 

silence ensued between the pair and chaerin could only hear the deafening sound of her heart beating wildly. and luhan’s voice calling her name. that was the first time wasn’t it? that was the first time luhan had called her by her name. so many thoughts running around her mind right now, jumbled like unfinished jigsaw puzzle. she was scrambling to put the pieces together but the only thing she could utter was,

 

“what are you saying?”

 

there was a look flashed across luhan’s face; embarrassment? uncertainty? what was it but chaerin couldn’t decipher it because luhan already grabbed her hand and pulled her into an awkward, suffocating hug, his burning face hidden behind her hair.

 

“i’m saying i’ve fallen for you too!” 

 

the time seemed to stop between them and chaerin couldn’t remember how loud she laughed that night.

 

the sun called you

 

“aren’t you a happy child?”

 

chaerin stopped rummaging through the clothes to look at jessica, “what do you mean?”

 

jessica said nothing, but there’s a small smile on her lips. chaerin had been cheery lately, and by lately means since she told them about luhan’s confession. the brunette was never the type to show her emotions but ever since she realized about her feelings towards luhan, it seems like her cold demeanour melts away and she’s more honest about how she feels now.

 

jessica didn’t know luhan that well, but she likes the effect this guy had on chaerin.

 

especially now, when the said girl holds up two different shirts with a gleam in her eyes,

 

“hey which one do you think suits him?”

 

—

 

“christmas party?”

 

“yeah, the class is planning to do a gathering during christmas,” chaerin informed as she washes the dishes. it was one of those rare nights where sungmin, luhan and chaerin can sit down and have dinner together.

 

“this would be your first time right?” sungmin asked over a glass of soju, “you should go chaerin-ah. it would be fun!”

 

“well if you say so…”

 

“i still remember my christmas party during my senior year,” a drunken chuckle came from sungmin, “that one was wild! right, luhan?”

 

while chaerin’s ears perked up at sungmin’s words, luhan was panicking. he rushed over the drunken male, “hey, stop blabbering nonsense!”

 

“what nonsense? it’s true!” sungmin continued, pushing luhan away when the younger one tried to shut his mouth, “hey, hey, chaerin-ah, do you want to know what happened?”

 

“we—hic—we were playing the king game—and, and your uncle ming got to be the king,” sungmin doubled over with laughter, ignoring luhan’s futile attempt to stop him from running his mouth around, “and so—i asked number 7—which is uncle lulu here—” he emphasized by pushing luhan’s head lazily, “to french kissed number 9—”

 

“wahhhhhh stop!!!!” luhan wailed, clamping his hand over sungmin’s mouth.

 

“hmm…” chaerin hummed behind them, her hands crossed over her chest with an unreadable look on her face.

 

luhan swallowed thickly, damn you lee! i mean, old lee! “sungmin is drunk. i’ll bring him to bed,” he offered nervously before dragging the struggling drunken male to his room.

 

you bastard, luhan huffed angrily after he let sungmin plop onto his bed, the older male already sleeping soundly. he grabbed the pillow and throw it over his face, i hope you suffocate and die! before stomping out of the room (after removing the pillow since he’s luhan and sungmin can’t die just yet).

 

“uwwwahhh!!” he jumped in surprised when he saw chaerin waiting outside of sungmin’s room, an amused look on her face.

 

“don’t do that,” he wheezed, placing his hand over his chest, calming his heart down, “i thought i’m gonna die.”

 

“stop exaggerating,” chaerin flipped him off, “by the way… french kiss huh?”

 

luhan averted his eyes nervously when the younger lee approached him, “i didn’t know you’re that kind of person.”

 

the older male spluttered, “wait—it’s not what you think!”

“i think uncle ming had told me enough—”

 

“but i’m telling the truth,” luhan argued stubbornly, his cheeks flaming red in embarrassment, “during that christmas party he made me french kissed our friend, kim minseok! he’s a guy!”

 

an awkward pause ensued the pair. chaerin had meant to tease luhan just a bit, but she didn’t expect him to blow up like this.

 

that’s funny.

 

“so you’re that kind of person,” she finally commented, “i didn’t know that.”

 

luhan’s whole face reddened as he spluttered indignantly, “i-i told you it’s not like that!”

chaerin was positively howling by now, slapping her hand up and down almost involuntarily and could barely breath for laughing. fat tears roll down her newly pinked cheeks and luhan stood there, dumbfounded. he waited until the younger one pressed her hand over , reducing her laughter into cackles. 

 

“i can’t—” she wheezed, “i can’t believe you’re being serious right now!”

 

luhan blinked dumbly before blushing lightly, his own lips curled into a wide smile, “what—you’re such a tease!”

 

chaerin chuckled and exhaled loudly, calming herself down form the short high. a warm, comfortable silence ensued the couple and they stood there staring at each other. neither of them is believing this is real, that this happening. it was too good to be true.

 

“about the christmas party,” chaerin broke the silence, scratching the back of her head, “are you okay with me going?”

 

realization dawn on luhan before he chuckled lightly. really, this girl is too cute for her own good. he patted her head, “it’s okay. that was your first time right? you should go have fun during your high school years.”

 

“like french kissing your own friend,” chaerin joked.

 

luhan laughed lightly, “no, but really you should go. when will your party ends though?”

 

“hmm, until 11 if i’m not mistaken.”

 

luhan gave her answer some thought before leaning closer, his breath ghosting over her lips, “so after 11, you’re all mine. is that a deal?”

 

chaerin’s eyes widened, her body froze at the sudden proximity between her and luhan. the older male let out another chuckle before he pull away, giving her hair a last ruffle,

 

“it’s a date, kitty.”

 

—

 

“merry christmas!!”

 

students of class 2-A hollered excitedly as they share a toast. it’s christmas and with the air wet and chillingly crisp, insulated coats and colorful, floppy beanies made their annual appearances. gingerbread cakes and warm apple cider were served, with many other christmas meals brought by the students. lights were interwoven at the window and there was a large, fully decorated christmas tree. jessica’s house was definitely filled with that festive mood.

 

“are there gonna be any christmas games?” minji sidled up to chaerin, holding a sticky square of marshmallow and rice krispies.

“i don’t know. knowing them, there might be.” she said, scanning the area. there are clumps of people enjoying themselves in conversation and though chaerin was just sitting by and watching in silent, she’s still enjoying the night.

 

everyone looks happy.

the class spent the night singing to their heart content and playing games while exchanging gifts in the middle. it was a fun night. chaerin had never laugh so happily in one night.

 

“are you having fun?” kris asked, taking a bite from the chocolate chip in his hand. they were in the middle of the king game (chaerin didn’t get to be the king, which she thought to be quite disappointing).

 

“yeah, this is my first time going to a christmas gathering with my friends,” she grinned, “it was really fun!”

 

kris was taken aback, that was the first time he saw chaerin grins. it’s not like she never smile or laugh but a wide, toothy grin? that was a first. he was about to say something when a loud guy named park chanyeol yelled out,

 

“i am the king!”

 

the other students groaned in frustration while the boy grinned excitedly, “i wantttttt…..” he announced, gaining everyone’s attention. “number 1…” 

 

“ehh that’s me.” kris spoke out and the students began to chatter excitedly. it was no secret kris was one of the popular students in school and had his share of fangirls; the girls in his class were no exception. they began whispering to each other, whining and hoping chanyeol would call out one of their numbers. “so troublesome.”

 

“to kiss number 2 on the lips!!” chanyeol yelled out and everyone hollered in excitement, searching for the ‘lucky 2’. frustrated whines can be heard from some of the girls, some of them cursing chanyeol for choosing the number.

 

“number 2…” chaerin’s soft voice stopped the buzzing excitement, “that’s me.”

 

a moment of silence. 

 

then a loud, harmonious, “whaaaaaaatttt!!!??”

 

“kiss! kiss! kiss!” some of the boys began to chant, and it grew louder and louder, urging them to do as what the king had ordered.

 

“h-hey, chaerin,” kris stuttered out, “are you okay with this?”

 

“it’s just a kiss right?” chaerin answered cooly, “it’s no big deal.”

 

can this girl be any denser!? kris thought, surprised at her answer. other girls would make a huge deal regarding this. 

 

the chants got louder, some of them even began to shout for them to hurry up. “is this okay?” minji asked jessica, eyeing the pair. it’s not a secret between the four of them about chaerin’s relationship with luhan. but with the brunette’s i-don’t-give-a- attitude, she wondered how kris is going to handle this.

 

jessica tsk-ed, sipping her drink, “what a troublesome bunch of monkeys.”

 

“the guys are getting impatient,” chaerin said, approaching kris. the male flinched when she grabbed him by the collar (and earned an enthusiastic ‘oooohhhh’ from the class) and pulled him towards her, “let’s just hurry up and finish it.”

 

“that…” kris bite out before pushing her head away forcefully, “are you stupid!?” 

 

“things like kissing and stuff—you should do that with someone you like!”

 

chaerin’s eyes widened and the place went silent at kris’ sudden outburst. it was an awkward silence before kris turned around and went to grab a drink.

 

“tsk,” he wiped his mouth, strutting towards a certain tall, elf-ish male, a menacing aura surrounding him, “hey, chanyeol, since you like telling people to kiss, i’ll kiss you know.”

 

that surprises me, chaerin thought as she watches chanyeol trying to pry kris away from him, yelling something about not playing the king game ever again. the students went back to chant for the pair and the air became lively again. 

 

her attention shifted when minji tapped her shoulder, “hey, you said you got to leave at 11 right? it’s almost time.”

 

“eh!?” chaerin jumped in realization before grabbing her belongings, “thanks minji-ah for the reminder!”

 

“hey,” jessica called out after chaerin had left, kicking kris’ foot, “this gloomy old man over here.”

 

“are you okay?” she offered a drink which kris took without a word, “that’s an interesting show you put there. i bet chanyeol will remember it for his life.”

 

“please leave me alone,” kris said miserably, wishing to bury himself into the ground.

 

“you know i support them right?” jessica stated matter-of-factly, giving him a side-glance.

 

kris downed the drink in one gulp, “yeah, i know.”

 

—

 

about fifteen minutes later, chaerin arrived at their promise place. luhan was already there, wearing a black coat over a navy blue sweater. her legs burned and her skin beneath her white turtleneck was damp from sweat, but when their eyes met, a smile brightens up luhan’s face, the tiredness melts away just like that. bringing herself next to luhan, she couldn’t suppress the wide smile, “have you been waiting long?”

 

“not really,” luhan said, brushing down her hair that managed to stick out, “you ran all the way here?”

 

“w-well,” she looked down bashfully, “i thought i was late for our date.”

 

the chinese male pulled her into a hug and let out a sigh, “why are you so cute.”

 

chaerin protested weakly in his embrace, saying that she’s not cute. his chest rumbled with laughter and it resonates through her body. they stood stilled under the light like that for a moment; this kind of peace, she wished it’ll stay.

 

that night, they spent their time like any other normal dates. they went to grab a bite, playing at the nearby arcade and the rest night walking around while sharing small talks. they talked about their favorite colors and foods, their hobbies, likes and dislikes. just small, nonsensical details about themselves.

 

but for chaerin, it meant everything.

 

“how were you as a child, luhan?” chaerin asked.

 

luhan hummed, “i’m not sure. i think i’m the same as i am now. that bright bubbly child everyone wished for.” he laughed when the younger one shoved him playfully, telling him to stop being so high about himself.

 

“i was in the soccer team. even when i transferred here from china, i joined the soccer team. that’s how i met sungmin anyway.”

 

“uncle plays soccer?” chaerin asked, surprised.

 

“nahhh,” luhan laughed, “he’s in the taekwondo club. but one day i accidentally kicked the ball towards him, knocking him on the spot. the whole school went uproar about that though, something about that new chinese kid knocking out the great warrior lee sungmin.”

 

“great warrior? i didn’t know he does martial art!” chaerin exclaimed in amazement.

 

“sungmin might not look like it, but he’s really strong and demonic,” luhan shivered slightly, probably remembering those dark days.

 

“what about you?” he suddenly asked, “what kind of child kitty was?”

 

“my childhood is boring,” chaerin brushed off his question with a chuckle, “you wouldn’t want to know.”

 

“but i want to know,” luhan said instead, still keeping his eyes on her, a gentle smile on his face, “tell me.”

 

chaerin blinked in surprise before she cleared , “w-well… i was in the chess club.”

 

a snort came from luhan as he tried to hold his laughter, “i told you it would be boring!” chaerin yelled out in embarrassment.

 

“anyway,” she continued, ignoring the older male, “i didn’t have that many friends so usually i would go home straight after school. but i don’t really mind though, for me, being with my parents are the best thing in this world.”

 

luhan said nothing, his eyes on chaerin as the younger one smiled softly while she talked about her past, “my dad was like uncle sungmin. he’s a worrywart and act more like a troubled mother compared to my mom. i guess it’s in the gene.”

 

“mom was a gentle person. she didn’t talk much, but i like her touch the most. it always made me feel at ease.”

 

she stopped herself when she realized she had been talking too much about her parents, “i’m sorry. it must be—”

 

her words died off when luhan smiled at her, “they sound like great people.”

 

“ah…” she averted her eyes, “yeah, they are. they’re kind people. that’s why, sometimes, i think it was unfair—what happened to them. but…”

 

she looked up at the sky, “i realized it’s better to remember those times i managed to spend with them instead of going around blaming the universe.”

 

luhan stayed silent, thinking about how much strength this young child has to carry such burden on her shoulders. she didn’t whine or mop around, instead she braced herself up, willing herself to carry on and face the upcoming days. 

 

it’s admiring as well as saddening.

 

“hey kitty,” luhan called out, “do you have a dream?”

 

chaerin gave his question a thought before she answered, “i’m not really sure. i just wanted to become a person my parents and uncle sungmin can be proud of.”

 

“do you remember what you told me? about orion?” luhan nodded, “well, my dad told me the same thing too. that’s why, i want to see everything i can, i want to know the meaning behind everything. life would be boring without seeing and knowing.”

 

another silence ensued but it was a comfortable one. the pair continued walking until they almost arrived at the lee residence. luhan was the first to stop, grabbing chaerin by the wrist lightly. the younger lee looked at their hands before looking up to luhan, a thin smile tugged on her lips.

 

ahh, luhan thought, this child, i want to cherish her so much.

 

“here,” he finally said, taking out a small white box, wrapped with silver ribbon, “your christmas present.”

 

“eh, but i didn’t bring yours! wait here i’ll—”

 

“it’s okay, you can give it to me later,” luhan stopped her, “take it.”

 

the white box exchanged hands and chaerin looked at luhan, asking if she could open it now. gaining approval from the chinese male, she unwrapped the box, her eyes widened at seeing a silver necklace, with an orion pendant.

 

“remember what i said?” luhan took the necklace from her and went to put it around her neck, “about you being my orion.”

 

the silver orion pendant glint under the light, like the real star high up in the sky. luhan bend down, kissing the pendant, 

 

“you’re my signpost of hope. and with this pendant, i hope that if you ever got lost, you’ll find your way back home.”

 

sunshine falls like snowstorm

 

after christmas, luhan and chaerin had been spending more and more of their free time together. though because of luhan’s work, they didn’t get to have their second date but the two of them always managed to sneak out to at least have an ice-cream together. sometimes they would spend the time at the lee residence along with sungmin, just like how they normally would, saving the secret smiles and hands brushing against each other.

 

sungmin brushed it away at first. the first time he noticed luhan and chaerin giggling and whispering to each other while they’re washing the dishes. he thought those two just got along with each other and truth to be told, it was good seeing his two most important people being on a good term.

 

but being on a good term doesn’t mean going out just the two of them when chaerin had told him she’s out with her friends. 

 

“do you remember when we were in high schools, i got involve in some gangs and you helped me getting out?” sungmin started, pouring soju into luhan’s glass. he had called luhan to meet at the stall they used to hang out together during their college years. it brings back memories. good ones.

 

“and also the time when i lost my exam slip you helped me find it and we almost didn’t make it to the entrance exam.”

 

he downed his soju in one go, “you’re a good friend, luhan. countless of times, you’ve helped me without fail and i am forever indebted to you.”

 

“what are you saying so suddenly?” luhan laughed, taking the soju bottle from sungmin’s hand to pour another into the older male’s glass, “we’re best friends, those things shouldn’t matter.”

 

sungmin laughed lightly and they both shared a toast. how long they had been best friends? 15 years? luhan had always been there for sungmin just like how sungmin had been there for luhan. it was a year or so after his brother eloped when they first met. sungmin was lonely, because chaerin’s father was his only brother and his parents were always too busy with work and luhan was…well, being luhan.

 

every single day, sungmin was always thankful for the younger one. 

 

“how’s everything with chaerin?” he asked after a moment of silence. he let out another laugh when luhan said nothing, but from they way his eyes widened, sungmin knew he was flabbergasted, like a deer caught in the headlights.

 

sungmin knows he won’t be forgiven. that he would be damned in the afterlife. but he’s not backing down.

 

“look at you. you can’t even say ‘what are you talking about? stop joking’ now don’t you?”

 

the smile faded and he looked at luhan squarely, at him clenching his jaw, “do you have any idea what you’re doing right now?”

 

“…i do…” came the soft reply.

 

“you don’t.” he countered, “chaerin is only 17. she still has a long journey ahead of her. if you really want to be her boyfriend, it’ll be your responsibility to protect her. but are you sure you can do that? you’re not going to be able to wipe her tears, to hold her close and to be with her when she needed you the most.”

 

“both of you are from two different worlds. chaerin, no matter how mature she is, is still a child. she won’t understand the world you and i are living in. she deserves to be with someone closer to her age, someone who can understand her well.”

 

ahh…

 

“give her a chance to experience youth love. for her this experience will only be a transit point. you…” he gave luhan a knowing look, “…understand what i’m talking about right?”

 

there was a moment of silence before luhan nodded solemnly, “yeah…i understand.” 

 

i won’t be forgiven for this aren’t i?

 

“don’t say anything to her, don’t act differently either. i’ll…settle it once for all.”

 

—

 

it was almost at the end of term and high school students are busy preparing for their finals. chaerin had been spending most of her hours studying and also tutoring minji with jessica. her current routine involves mainly her house, school, and jessica’s house. 

 

after their winter break, chaerin haven’t met luhan once. it can’t be helped, considering her being occupied with her studies and luhan with his works. that’s why, after the dreadful exam week, chaerin was delighted to get a message from luhan, saying that he wanted to meet her. she even almost jumped in excitement seeing the older male’s car waiting by the gate. 

 

“hey,” chaerin greeted cheerily as she gets into the car, “it’s been a while.”

 

luhan replied with a low hum, earning a confused look from the younger one. it was not like him to not replying with enthusiasm. she wondered if he was tired with his works, i should’ve told him to rest instead. 

 

the car ride had been silent with only the sound of the radio filling in the silence. chaerin had been fidgeting in her seat, wondering what should she say to the chinese male. it’s not her forte, giving words of comfort or some sort. that was luhan’s.

 

when they arrived, not a word came from luhan. they stayed still in the car ad chaerin didn’t even dare to look at the older male. it’s weird saying this but it was almost like chaerin was afraid of luhan.

 

“hey,” she almost jumped in her skin when luhan spoke out.

 

he turned off the radio, “don’t you think we should end this?”

 

there was a moment of absolute silence. both in the car and in chaerin’s head. it was like her mind went blank all of the sudden, did i hear it wrong?

 

“…what…?” she looked at luhan, “what are you saying?”

 

luhan paused, “i’ve been thinking, maybe it wouldn’t work between us.” he took off his glasses and chaerin saw the eye bags under his tired, reddened eyes, “i’ve been busy with my new learning centre and i’m also thinking about furthering my studies in music.” 

 

“and before we knew it, we’ve been spending lesser and lesser time together.”

 

chaerin swallowed, this can’t be happening. didn’t they just spend christmas together? didn’t luhan told her—

 

“luhan…is it because i’m just a kid?” she asked, her voice came out with a slight tremble, “do you see me as a kid?”

 

luhan said nothing.

 

“you said…i was your orion. that i am your signpost of hope—why—” her eyes went blurry when tears start b in her eyes but she willed herself not to cry. she would be damned if she let herself cries and appears weak.

 

so she hold in her tears, blinking them away and asked, bracing her voice, “don’t you love me, luhan?”

 

“i want to see everything i can, i want to know the meaning behind everything. life would be boring without seeing and knowing.”

 

“no, i don’t.”

 

—

 

chaerin sighed as she throws herself onto her soft, fluffy bed. she inhaled the scent of rose from her pillow before letting out another heavy sigh.

 

new term will start soon, she thought, and it seems like they had agreed to give the position as student council president to me. 

 

looks like it’ll be a busy year, she rolled over, staring at the ceiling, and there’s entrance exam to think about.

 

the room needs a makeover, she tilted her head, staring intently at the ceiling, it would be awesome if the ceiling can be done like night sky with glimmering stars—

 

—you’re my orion. my signpost of hope.

 

“haaa…” chaerin exhaled loudly before resting her crossed arms over her eyes, her voice cracked,

 

“…”

 

—

 

sungmin’s eyes darted to the door to the bar when the bell jingles, signalling a customer just came in. it was luhan, and he raised his hand when their eyes met, calling the younger male to him. he said nothing when luhan silently sat beside him and called the bartender,

 

“give me your strongest vodka.”

 

sungmin pressed the cigarette against his lips and silently placed his hand on luhan’s head, ruffling the light brown strands, 

 

“thank you luhan. i promise you, this will be the last time i’m asking you for a favor.”

 

cherry blossoms fall like snowflakes

 

winter had finally given way to spring.

the last of the snow had melted only a day ago, but the smell of it still hung heavy in the air, like a woman's perfume long after she'd left the room.

 

her senior year appeared unknowingly, as she underestimated the power and speed of time. she was already eighteen years old. she was the student council president, a role model for her juniors. she was showered with respect and admiration for her sensibility and maturity for her age, her charming good looks, her academic achievements and her overbearing confidence.

 

to others, she had it all, but to herself; she still felt empty and indecisive. she had it all, but not all at once. there was just one aspect of his life missing.

 

so chaerin works hard to fill in that empty space. luhan’s absence helped her to focus more on the other aspect of her life. everyone was working hard, sungmin is aiming for a promotion, kris as the class president, jessica being the secretary for the student council and minji is leading the volleyball team as the captain. 

 

so chaerin didn’t spend her days moping around that one empty space.

 

“luhan is leaving to china in two days.”

 

chaerin froze at sungmin’s words, before she quickly recovers and continues tidying up her desk, “yeah?”

 

“it looks like he got an offer to continue his studies,” the older lee informed, and chaerin schooled her voice not to tremble as her hands do.

 

“i see.” she uttered cooly, “good for him then.”

 

there was a pause from sungmin, “well, i thought you would want to see him off at the airport with me.”

 

“nah, i have a study session with the girls and kris.” she was quick to turn down the offer, “send him my regards.”

 

another pause. “okay then.”

 

“uncle,” she called out, “do you have any wish?”

 

“i don’t.” sungmin answered, pushing himself from the wall to walk towards his niece. he patted her head, like a gentle father he is, “but when i took you in, my only wish is for you to grow up healthily and happily.”

 

he gave the younger one a kiss on her forehead, “it’s late, you should go to sleep.”

 

to be happy. is it that easy, uncle?

 

just by wishing, i wonder if it’ll come true.

 

that night, chaerin couldn’t sleep a wink.

 

“china?”

 

chaerin nodded at jessica’s question, her eyes never leaving her english book, “yeah, uncle told me his flight is today afternoon. seems like he got a chance to further his studies in music or something.”

 

there was a momentary pause, until kris spoke up, “…don’t you want to go and see him?”

 

“huh?” chaerin looked at him in confusion, “what are you talking about? why would i go?”

 

kris said nothing, you said that and yet your hand is trembling.

 

a heavy silence shrouds the entire room, indicating none of them knows what to say. luhan is such a sensitive subject nowadays so they always avoid any topic regarding the older male.

 

the group jumped when jessica suddenly slammed the table, anger scrawled all over her pretty face—a rare sight. she snatched the book from chaerin’s hand and before the brunette could even counter back she was tackled down to the floor by jessica. 

 

“wh—jess—” chaerin’s protest went still when she saw the blonde girl crying.

 

“when i first met you,” jessica gritted out, gripping the collar of chaerin’s shirt, “i was so jealous of your straight hair. but that’s not all. i’m jealous at how you’re always looking forward, not caring of your surrounding, how you seems like you already have goals in life and you’ll do anything to achieve them,” jessica sobbed against chaerin’s chest, “i was jealous because i thought you’re different from any other girls i met. i thought, she looks like someone who can be on her own.”

 

“but i was wrong!” she gripped the brunette’s shirt tighter, “when you came crying about luhan, i thought she needs us. she’s vulnerable right now and i want to help her. i want to her to become that strong girl again.”

 

“but what the are you doing right now, chaerin!?” she demanded, shaking the other one vigorously, “you really want to mop here all day and let him leave just like that!? where is that strong girl i know!? the one that’ll work towards her goals instead of sitting around doing nothing!?”

 

chaerin’s eyes widened at jessica’s outburst. the blonde girl had always been straightforward but most of the times she’s always so calm and composed. part of the advantage being raised in a well-known family, she said. but seeing her right now, crying so desperately, her hands trembled as she grips her shirt tightly, chaerin felt like she was doused with cold water.

 

she gritted her teeth, her own tears b her eyes, “…i know that…” she croaked out, stopping jessica’s sobs before she breath out, tears rolling down her cheeks, her voice coming out stronger.

 

“i ing know that already!”

 

the first time she met luhan, she thought he’s one of those people she should avoid. too bright and too cheery for her liking. but the space rabbit wasn’t having any of that. he was one mischievous bunny, invading every part of her life little by little until she realized none of it belongs to her anymore.

 

it’s all his.

 

chaerin never cares about what other people has to say about her. but luhan is different. day by day, she became conscious of the other’s presence and her heart twinge in pain in his absence. it was just like how jessica said it, this thing is troublesome, and painful as hell but chaerin was grateful. 

 

out of all people in this world, she fell in love with luhan.

 

if she could turn back time, she wouldn’t mind falling for him all over again.

 

chaerin never imagines herself running so hard that her lungs almost burst from the lack of oxygen, every muscles in her body ached from the strenuosity but she didn’t care. the only think that matters, the only person she wanted to desperately see right now is luhan.

 

i want to tell him, i want to tell him, i want to—

 

“there she is!” minji yelled, earning jessica and kris’ attention. the three of them lightly jogged towards chaerin, who was sitting alone, lost in her own thoughts.

 

“chaerin,” kris called out, snapping the brunette from her reverie.

 

“hey…” chaerin smiled, and when he thought everything must’ve gone well, the girl looked away, her voice strained,

 

“…i didn’t make it.”

 

no one said anything and neither of them move from their position. it was chaerin that raised her hand to grab the hem of kris’ shirt, her voice cracked and trembled like her hand,

 

“can we…stay a bit longer.”

 

it’s cold

 

chaerin walked around the decorated hallways, as another farewell ceremony was soon to be placed. numerous, shining signs of "congratulations seniors!", "we wish you luck for the future!" and "goodbye seniors!" were placed around the hallway, giving them some sort of significance and indication of time in school.

 

her high school years are coming to an end.

 

chaerin had been working around the clock to make herself busy, studying hard for her entrance exam and even started working part-time job. she’s doing everything in her power to push away that one name to the back of her head.

 

luhan. how is he now?

 

it’s been months and not a word from the older male nor sungmin. but not like she asked either.

 

and so, seasons passed and days turned into weeks, weeks into months and months into years.

 

when she’s 24, kris proposed to her.

 

when she’s 26, they got married (and sungmin cried like a mother sending her only child away).

 

when she’s 34, they moved to the west.

chaerin loves kris, she really does. she loves kris because kris is like the moon that appears every night, reliable and subtle, holding a soft, gentle vigil over the earth when everything is dark. and after all this while, not once does the moon say to the earth, you owe me. but if kris is the moon then luhan is the sun. the earth continues revolving around the sun, becoming alive only in the sun’s glow, and the moon just continues revolving around the earth, coming out from second stage when the sun deigns to leave and the sky turns lonely, to sprinkle the stars across pitch black, a faint glimmer of light for the earth. no matter how much he tries, though, even with all the strength in his tiny heart, the moon never lights up the sky like the sun does for the earth. not even close. 

 

chaerin felt guilty, every single day and maybe that’s why she treats kris like a fragile glass. he gave her his heart, saying it’s all yours now, and chaerin sworn to never let it break (but the irony is she didn’t give hers to him).

 

everyone grows up. jessica leading the fashion industry with her own brand, minji was in training to lead one of her family’s hotels, sungmin got himself a golden retriever since he refused to get married (i’m too old to find one) and life goes on.

 

no mention of luhan.

 

(except sometimes single things around her reminded her of him. like the cats she saw on the streets, the smell of cigarette smoke and the smell of vanilla).

 

another year passed by; indeed, time waits for no man.

 

the phone slipped from chaerin’s trembling hand and her legs gave away as she falls on her knees, salty tears burning path down her cheeks. 

 

“they found him in his music room, underneath the falling debris. it seems like he went running back to his learning centre during the earthquake.”

 

she covered as broken sobs came out, her body shaking violently, “….luhan…luhan…luhan…” she calls out ruefully, like a chant,  hoping the owner of the name would appear in front of her, all toothy grin and gleaming doe-eyes, calling her ‘kitty’ with his annoyingly cheery tone. 

 

but he’s not here. 

 

they were miles apart across the oceans and he’s not here.

 

her luhan is not here.

 

“don’t leave,” kris said as she takes out her luggage. 

 

“i need to see him,” she begged, “i need to see him, kris.” 

 

her movement stops when kris hugged her from behind, burying his face into her shoulders and chaerin was stumped when she felt warm water droplets soaking her clothes.

 

“don’t leave me,” came the broken cry.

 

“i’m begging you please don’t leave me,” he held her tighter and chaerin’s eyes sting with salty tears, “please stay with me.”

 

chaerin stayed still as kris continuously sobs into her shoulder. blinking away the tears, she heave a breath before turning around and pulled the male into her embrace. she placed gentle on his hair, kissing the top of his head lovingly, shutting her eyes when the tears escaped,

 

“i’m sorry kris. i won’t leave.”

 

—

 

sungmin stared at the fresh grave, cigarette in his lips and a bouquet of marigold in his hand. 

 

“you son of a ,” he called out, “how dare you go first before me.”

 

he could imagine luhan laughing his tears out, probably saying something along the line of, ‘you’ll be coming sooner than you thought, old man. cut off the smoking a bit.’ something bratty, just like luhan.

 

he puts down the marigold and inhaled the smoke, “just so you know, i didn’t regret my decision.”

 

he imagined a younger luhan standing in front of him, wearing that calming, assuring smile when in fact, it was what sungmin wished to feel.

 

—

 

he was staring at the ceiling, all empty eyes and slow breath. chaerin took his hand in hers, all wrinkled skin and fragile bones, but these are the hands that hold her close and protect her until the end. she kissed the knuckles lightly and his head gently, the skin feels rough under her touch but chaerin didn’t mind.

 

“i’m here, kris,” she assured lovingly, smiling when her husband responds to the call of his name. he stared into her eyes and chaerin felt her insides churned at the look in his eyes, “i’m still here, kris. everything will be okay.”

 

“…chae…” his voice came out like a pained whimper, like a breath of rusty air but chaerin still answers with a gentle ‘yes’. she leaned closer to him, “i’m here, kris. i’m here. the children will be here soon too.”

 

it’s not like it was the first time for her to wait beside someone’s deathbed. she didn’t cry during her parents death and just two years ago, sungmin left to follow his beloved brother. but every single time, piece by piece, her heart is being taken away.

 

everyone is leaving her.

 

“…chae…” he called out again, his breathing became slightly laboured, “…the…letter…”

 

he raised his hand, slow and shaky and chaerin knew how much strength he muster up and used for all these little movements. she followed where his frail fingers were pointing out and saw a folded paper on the nightstand. she was about to reach for the paper when kris’ breathing became ragged and his heart monitor went wild. 

 

“uncle sungmin told me before luhan left to china, he had asked him to never let you find him anymore, no matter what happens in the future. he knew, if you found out the real reason he breaks up the relationship, you would run back to him with no hesitation. he didn’t want that. that’s why, when he dies, i stopped you from going to him. i’m sorry chaerin. sorry for selfishly wanting you to stay. even for a little while, i wish for us to be like a normal couple, i wish for you to stay with me.”

 

“but it’s okay now. go find him. you’re free now, chaerin.”

 

my heart is so frozen

 

“do you know about the abandoned building at the outskirts of the town? rumor has it, it was an old music school. there was a dedicated teacher, who has a deep passion in music and a childish dream of sharing and teaching music with the world. during the earthquake on a cold wintry night many years ago, the teacher died, trying to save a music sheet he was working on. it was a song he made for his beloved and he died protecting it.”

 

“luhan…” chaerin breathe out, small clouds forming around with every breath she releases. it’s been so many years since she last came here. everything had changed, the ice-cream shop she used to go when she was still a student was gone, the park near her neigborhood was now a large house, everything had changed. 

 

“everything is so different and yet it’s still hard to see the stars here,” she looked up at the night sky, searching for that one star.

 

“do you know about the abandoned building at the outskirts of the town?”

 

“orion…” she smiled when she found the lone, bright star, “the signpost of hope when you’re lost.”

 

“rumor has it, every night during winter, you can hear the teacher plays the piano to the song. until the sound melts like snow when spring comes.”

 

she entered the gloom building, there is nothing left. the first time she entered this place, she remembers it all too well. she remembers the man that brought her here, sunshine smile and home-like warmth. she stepped into one room that she remembered the most. it was empty and desolated, the walls crumbled and tiny dust was in the air, but in chaerin’s mind, the grand piano he used to play was still at the centre of the room, the gentle sound of familiar music filling her ears.

 

“chaerin.”

 

“and when it’s winter again, the song plays, just like the falling snow.”

 

he looks the same, chaerin noted. still the same dark brown hair, and a face that made him looks like someone younger than her, broad shoulder, warm back, home.

 

“took you too long,” he joked, that child-like smile gracing his beautiful face. he stretched out his hand towards her, a gentle look on his face, “i’ve been waiting.”

 

chaerin stared at him for a moment before a soft laughter escaped her lips. she took his hand and stepped inside the room—well furnished and clean like the first time she came here. her body feels light and she let him pulled her into his embrace, the two of them dancing to the song playing. the black sky with glimmering stars was their roof, the moon witnessing their love.

 

her father was right, if she looks up, her way becomes clear, like with that winter star.

 

“i’m home, luhan.”

 

—

 

“you’re my orion. my signpost of hope.”

 

 

 

a/n: fml. this had been rusting for MONTHS.

 

i hope you guys enjoy this. thank you for reading and comments and subscribers are much appreciated <3