i. fire

“we all live in a house on fire, no fire department to call; no way out, just the upstairs window to look out of while the fire burns the house down with us trapped, locked in it.”
― tennessee williams

i’m burning down tonight

there is a fire.

when luhan screams, there’s a fire in his eyes, bright and wild, and chaerin can see herself burning in the fire. it scared her the first time she saw it, but now, she’s dancing in that fire.

“!”

a rough shove to her body and chaerin’s back slams the wall, the impact causing the hanging frames to fall to the ground, crashing into sharp pieces. in normal circumstances, people like her would stay silent and accept all the hits and blows and hurtful words until luhan finally stops, but chaerin is tired of staying silent, tired of accepting, tired of everything.

in a relationship, you should give and take, right?

so chaerin gives back. her own eyes burning in anger as she used her energy to shove luhan back, her own lips screaming out words that are meant to hurt. she curls up her hands into fists and smacked luhan’s chest once, twice, thrice and hit to another hit.

maybe it was painful, or maybe luhan just had enough of this crap, but he grabs chaerin by her wrists, stopping her movement before he shoves her away again. he turns to make his escape – like he always did (you can off )– and chaerin screams and grabs his shirt, demanding him to stay, to stop walking away from all the he is giving her.

“get your hands off me,” luhan slaps her hand away, his eyes still burning and the anger bubbles up in her when she feels the sting behind her eyes. it’s unfair – so ing unfair – because luhan looks at her and walks away as if he’s the one who is tired of everything when the truth is, she’s the one who is exhausted, whose soul had been ripped apart from her lifeless body.

why luhan puts on his black leather jacket and exits the apartment as if chaerin’s the one who started this – everything – when he’s the one who made her like this?

chaerin doesn’t know.

she doesn’t know why she isn’t stopping luhan either.

my insides are burning

chaerin thinks she and luhan are not a normal couple. in fact, they are never a normal couple since beginning. being married at the age of sixteen, being young, foolish and blinded by love, she let luhan takes her away one night, leaving a hastily written ‘i’m leaving’ note to her parents. she let luhan convinced her that everything’s gonna be alright, i promise. she thought freedom never tastes so sweet and being young, foolish and blinded by love, lee chaerin thinks she and luhan can have a fairytale life by their own.

there’s no such thing as magic, she thinks bitterly as dara explains how she ended up being engaged with jiyong, how she supposedly feeling guilty for being with her best friend’s ex-boyfriend and chaerin inhales the smoke from the cigarette like oxygen.

“i guess you breaking up with jiyong has a silver lining, right?” dara says and chaerin eyes her entwined hand with jiyong and she feels the fire in her, “you’re happily married with luhan and i get to have a family with jiyong.”

dara is smiling and chaerin feels sick to her stomach, “you’re happy right? chaerin?”

chaerin stares at her and this time, dara returns her gaze a little more confidently, a little more pleadingly. she knows what dara’s thinking, please be happy for me, i need your blessings, and that’s the moment—she thinks it’s not really dara’s fault. no one really knows what happened behind the smiles and laughter on chaerin and luhan’s face.

 “ you.” chaerin manages finally and she gets to her feet, stepping on the cigarette stub, vicious and malevolent. “ both of you. the two of you deserve each other.”

everything became a heap of ashes

luhan loves to drink.

in fact he drinks too much, smokes too much, comes home late too much. it is sickening and tiring and chaerin hates it.

she hates it when luhan comes home so late at night, face red, lips curled into a lopsided grin, alcohol reeks from his body as if he was made from one and the hint of foreign fragrance sticking on his clothes.

“where have you been?” it always begins with a question.

“yifan’s,” it always ignites by the lack of satisfying answer.

chaerin tongues the inside of her cheek before grabbing her own coat and make her way pass luhan towards the door.

“where are you going?” a small spark.

she jerks her arm away, “you know where.”

a challenge. the oil for the fire to start.

“ you,” and it is burning.

chaerin yelps when her body hits the worn out sofa with a dull thud. she glares at luhan when the older one slaps the vase nearby, the petals of the white roses scattered around the floor with the sharp pieces.

“so this is what you’ve been doing huh!? you’ve been ing around behind my back!?”

“me? me!?” chaerin stands up and shoves luhan’s body, “it’s you who ed up!”

“you !” luhan slaps her, “i ing hate you!”

“bastard,” her voice cracks and she frowns when she felt the same sting behind her eyes. her vision is blurry, but she refuses to let the tears fall. she refuses to appear weak in front of luhan’s fiery eyes. she refuses to let luhan taste the victory.

but it’s not enough. even though she accepts and fights every blows, kicks, hits, , , that luhan threw endlessly at her, she can’t deny the fact that her heart was breaking just as the coffee table does. she keeps thinking what have gone wrong between them. since when nights with sweet words and loving gazes turned into one with painful, sharp words and heated glares? since when days with morning kisses and two bodies wrapped around each other turned into one with suffocating silence and two bodies with empty souls?

chaerin does not know.

the fire is there again. burning angrily, eating up every part of their bodies hungrily and it’s growing, growing and growing with no sign of stopping.

luhan grabbed her too tight, too painful and chaerin had enough – don’t touch me, bastard – and she can feel the fire on her fist as she eyes the crimson blood dripping from the corner of luhan’s lips. it doesn’t stop the fire though, because luhan is burning wildly and before she can register anything, she feels another sting on her left cheek.

luhan is breathing heavily and chaerin sees how the fire slowly dims out. everything is silent before luhan presses her roughly against the wall. their lips smash violently and the fire is there again.

blazing. with anger, rage, lust.

chaerin hates this the most. more than drinking luhan, smoking luhan, angry luhan, mindless fights and sword-like words.

she hates how weak she is. how luhan manages to turn her into a body with missing pieces of her own soul before he puts back everything so that its chaerin again only to destroy her in a scorching fire. hates how she seems like she can’t get enough of this, of this burning fire, of luhan as she clutches onto him for dear life. hates how she let herself taste the alcohol from luhan’s mouth, let luhan’s hot hands touch her skin, let the fire burns them alive.

chaerin flinches when luhan grabs the back of her head, the pad of his thumb flutters across chaerin’s swollen lips. he rests his forehead against her, “you can’t leave me chaerin. don’t leave me.”

luhan looks into her eyes and chaerin suddenly remembers this is why, why she stays after being hurt and destroyed in luhan’s fire.

“i love you,” luhan’s breath is hot against her neck and chaerin grips on his shoulder harder, tighter, the words burn at the tip of her tongue.

“i love you too.”

there is fire. and it was burning madly.

but chaerin does not mind. she’s already burnt and survives and burnt and survives.

might as well dive into the fire.

a/n: o….kay. i don’t even. sorry for this ;A; did i say its gonna be a collection of one-shots? i’m sorry some of it can be a short drabble of nonsense otl

i ship chaehan/chaelu/whatever because i’m a deluluhan shipper ;-;