There’s always a time when doubts cross the mind, no matter how much one tries to push them away.  There’s always a time when one feels insecure about one thing or another.  It’s only natural right?  That’s just how things are.  There’s no telling how long these delusions will infest the mind, but there’s always a way to counter its destructive course.

That is what you always try to tell yourself.  Therefore when such thoughts come up, you hide them away with a smile and drown yourself in some other activity.  It always seems to work, at least for a while.  However, now, the feelings are harder to suppress and the thoughts are more persistent than ever.

You look into the living room of your apartment that you share with your friend, turning your attention away from the stack of dishes left after dinner.  You have to get them done now or else they will sit for a week due to your amazing skill of procrastination.  The hysterical laughter coming from the other room is what catches your ear. 

You see your roommate, your boyfriend and his friends sitting in various places around the living room.  Chanyeol is currently in the middle of telling a funny story, using a lot of hand gestures and vocal sound effects to enhance the performance.  Your boyfriend is sitting next to him, smiling his cute rectangular smile that makes your heart sing.  Every time he laughs, you feel a small pang in your heart.  You love his laugh.  If only he would laugh more often around me.

You and Baekhyun have been dating for 3 months now.  Everyone you have ever met tells you that you two have the perfect fairy tale romance.  You guys are perfect for each other, so they say.  At first, you thought the same thing.  That is, until you noticed something that now haunts your mind by the hour.  Baekhyun always seems to be happier around his other friends than he does with you.

You two try to spend as much time together as you can, but with your busy schedule of work and school, you don’t have much time to spare.  Whenever you are with him, you try to be as perky as possible and hide the exhaustion starting to overtake your body.  Though, he always seems to notice your little act.  He pulls you into a hug, holding you close and whispers in your ear that you should take better care of yourself.  When you try to argue that you are okay, he puts a finger over your lips and says, “Nope, don’t even start.”  Then he kisses you on the nose and backs away while biting his lip.  You retort by saying something like, “I’ll start if I want to start” and then you two end up in a word battle that you always win.

You sigh as you focus your attention back on the sink in front of you.  Maybe he doesn’t like me as much as I like him, you think.  You shake your head to get rid of the thought when you feel a hand on your shoulder.

“Do you want me to help?”

You look over your shoulder to see Baekhyun smiling softly at you.  It isn’t the same smile he had before.

“No.  You don’t have to.”  You smile and turn back around.  Baekhyun still has his hand on you.

“Why isn’t your roommate helping you?”  Baek says quietly.

“Because we agreed that it would be my turn tonight.  It wouldn’t be fair for me to ask her to help me, when I already said I would do them.”

“Last night she didn’t have 4 extra people to clean up after.”

“Yeah, I know, but a deal’s a deal.”  You smile up at him, fighting to keep your eyes open.  You really do want his help, but you won’t say that out loud.  You see Baek roll his eyes, as he takes the sponge and plate out of your hand and nudges you out of the way with his hip.

“Yah!” you say surprised.  Your hands are still covered in suds, now dripping soapy water onto the floor.  “Baek, I said you don’t have to.”

“And I am choosing to not listen to you.  Go sit down, I’ll take care of this.”  Baek sticks his hands into the water to pull out the next dish.  “Aish,” he flinches.  “Jagiya, how can you use water this hot?  It feels like my skin is going to boil off.”

“It’s cleans the dishes better.  If it’s too hot then get out of the way,” you say laughing.  You try to push yourself back in front of him, but he doesn’t budge.  Instead he starts to hum a tune, acting as if you don’t exist.  You recognize this as being one of his favorite ways to annoy you; and it works.  You smile, enjoying this time with him.  But something is still not right.  Why does this feel so forced?

~ <3 ~

It’s 12:30 before your company decides that it’s time for them to leave.  Thanks to Baek’s help, the dishes got done quickly and you were able to join the rest of your friends, genuinely enjoying yourself.  When your friends do leave, Baekhyun stays behind to help clean up a little bit.  The three of you start to pick up trash and put away the extra snacks when you find yourself yawning.  You’re not really tired, but the anticipated tomorrow, filled with classes and work has your body telling you it’s time for bed.

“You tired, Jagiya?”  Baekhyun asks, seeing you cover your gaping mouth.  He smiles a little, his voice deep, feeling like silk to your ear.  He gathers up the glasses from various places and takes them into the kitchen, putting them in the sink.

“Not really, but I do have to get up for school tomorrow.  Once I get everything done, I’ll go to bed.”  You pour the chips that had been in bowls back into the bags and clip them shut, stifling another yawn.

“It’s okay, Girl.  Head to bed.  I don’t need to be up until 11 tomorrow.  I’ll finish,” your roommate says.  She takes the chip bags out of your hands and motions toward your bedroom door.

“No, I’m fine.  With the three of us, it won’t take much longer,” you protest.

Baekhyun walks up to you and grabs your hand.  “Come on, Jagi.”  He drags you toward your room.  “Let’s get you to bed.”

“Baek!”  you whine. 

“Don’t “Baek” me, Dongsang-ah.  I am your oppa, and I say ‘Go to bed.’”  He drags you into the room and over to your bed.

“Fine Oppa,” you say, sarcastically.  You haven’t really gotten into the habit of calling him “Oppa” yet, cause he hadn’t really told you to and you hadn’t really asked.  You want to take things slow, not rushing into anything and your constant doubts are definitely keeping it that way.  “Can I at least change first?”

Baekhyun gives an exaggerated sigh, crosses his arms and rolls his eyes.  “Fine.”  A moment passes and he is still standing there.

“Uhm…can you get out?” you say, sounding harsh but wearing a smile.

“Oh.  You want me leave.  Got it.”  He winks and gives you a thumps up before turning and walking out the door, closing it behind him.  You shake your head and start to change into some shorts and a tank top.

During those short moments of alone time, even though you knew Baekhyun was right outside the door, the insecurities hit you like a sack of bricks.  Maybe he doesn’t like me because I go too slow.  Why does he have more fun around other people?  He’s always told me that he cares about me and that he’s okay with going slow.  Was that a lie, or am I just too slow for him to bear?

“Jagiya?  I don’t hear any more movement.  Are you decent?”  Baekhyun calls from the door.

  “Just a second,” you reply, robotically.  In actuality, you are finished changing, but your feet seem to be glued to the floor.  What if he’s lying about being okay with going slow?  Does he lie to me about anything else?  Does he even like me?  Is there anything he likes about me at all?

“Jagiya?  You didn’t just die or something, right?  I still don’t hear anything.”

You return to reality and look at the door.  You see a shadow trying to squeeze its way under the door.  “No.  I’m okay.  You can come in now.”  You massage your temple with your fingers, trying to chase away the doubts that are now screaming in your head.  The door opens, but you turn away and start to climb into bed, not wanting to see his face quite yet.  You need to get a handle on the screaming insecurities before you can hide them behind your smile, which is proving to be hard to muster.

“Are you okay, Jagi?” you hear Baek ask.

“Yeah.  Just tired.”  He doesn’t really like me at all.  Stop.  He doesn’t want to be with me.  Be Quiet.  How did I ever think I could be with someone like him?  SHUT UP!  Your inner voices battle each other, making your head hurt and your heart ache.  You shimmy under the covers and pull the sheets up over your mouth.  Your bed is warm and soft, but it doesn’t cease the war inside.

You feel the covers lift up a little and the bed dips down behind you.  You turn your head and see Baekhyun climbing into bed with you.  You don’t trust yourself to say anything, so you turn back around and curl into a ball under the covers.  You feel his body heat before anything else.  There’s a surge of warmth in the spot behind you and you can feel how close he is even though he is not touching you.  Then you feel his hand on your side, sliding around your waist pulling you closer to him.  Then it’s your back against his chest; his body hot to touch despite the fact that he still fully clothed.  However, that doesn’t stop you from feeling his toned features on your exposed shoulder blades.  The voices quiet down to a whisper, but keep fighting nonetheless.

“I thought I’d snuggle with you until you fell asleep.  You okay with that?”  You can feel his breath in your hair, warm and moist.

“It seems I really don’t have much of a choice on that matter,” you whisper back.  You hear him chuckle a little in his throat, but you can’t share in his amusement.  You can’t stop thinking about the smile he had with his friends and the way he laughed at their stories.

“I guess not.  Now get some sleep, Jagi.  Good night.”

You can’t seem to find your voice to respond.  It’s not that you don’t want to respond; you just can’t.

“Jagiya?”  Baekhyun tightens his hold on you slightly.

“Baek, what goes through your mind when you look at me?” you ask out of the blue.  You can’t figure out where that question came from, but you want to know the answer anyway.

“What’s this all of a sudden?” he replies, leaning up a little to look down on your face.  You keep your eyes on the wall directly in front of you.

“I don’t know.  Humor me?”  Even you can hear the weakness of your voice.

“Well,” you feel his body heat leaving you as he rolls over on his back, his hand resting on your side.  “When I look at you, I think about the way your hair curls and how you fret over it day in and day out.  I think about the way you smile all the time, even though I know you are stressed and tired.  I think about your random bursts of energy that seem to come and go as often as the tides.  And I think about your unique laugh.  You never seem to laugh the same way twice; each time it’s different.”

Well, A+ on noticing my quirks, but does he actually like these things about me?  Or do they annoy him? 

“Now humor me, why do you ask?”

“Just wondering,” you respond vaguely.  It was the truth, just maybe not the whole truth.

“Come on, Yeobo.  What’s wrong?”  Yeobo?  He doesn’t normally call me that.  It’s always ‘jagiya’?  Maybe it means something, or maybe not and I’m just trying to find something out of nothing.  You are so caught up in your own thoughts that you don’t answer immediately.

“I…I…uh,” you stutter.  You debate on whether you should say anything or not.

“Look at me Yeobo,” Baek says in a soft voice that glides pass your ear, giving you goose bumps.  His hand has moved from your side to your shoulder, pulling at you gently.  You are so drawn in by his voice that you turn around and face him.  He is looking at you with a blank expression, but a sense of worry and questioning in his eyes.  You keep the covers pulled up to your chin.

“Well,… I sometimes……get this…..feeling….”  Your curly bangs fall down over your eyes, blurring your image of Baekhyun.  Before you could release your arm from the sheets, Baek reaches over and gently swipes your hair to the side.  You can’t help, but smile at the cute gesture.  “…that you have…more fun…with your other friends.”  Your voice fell to an inaudible level by the end of your sentence.

“What?”  Baek’s eyebrows knit together, either not hearing what you said or confused at the confession.

“Sometimes I feel like you have more fun with other people than you do with me,” you finally say, desperate to just get it out.  You don’t make eye contact and stare at the design on Baek’s shirt.

A moment of silence passes and you still haven’t looked up at him.  Your mind immediately goes to the worse possible explanations.  He’s not responding because he’s annoyed that I’m saying such things.  He doesn’t really care about my worries at all.

“You’re so cute.”

What?

Your face suddenly gets plunged into Baek’s chest as he pulls you into a hug.  He holds you tight, laughing to himself.  You don’t really know how to react, except to wonder how to react.

“What?” you finally say.

“You’re just so cute.  Is that all it was?  I mean I could tell that something was bothering you, but I didn’t think it was something like that.”  He continues to chuckle, nuzzling his cheek against your head.

You are so confused.  What is going on?  “Yes, that’s all it was, but that is something that’s been bothering me for a while.  It’s a huge thing for me.”  You’re slightly annoyed at him for laughing at your worry.

“It’s all an exaggeration, Jagiya.”

“An exaggeration?”

“Yes.  Me, Chanyeol and everyone else have been friends for years.  I’ve heard the same jokes and stories a hundred times so they’re not really funny anymore.  But Chanyeol gets mad if I don’t laugh, so I exaggerate a reaction just to annoy him.”  He breaks the hug and pulls back to see your face.  He’s smiling the same way as when he was with Chanyeol, his eyes half closed and his cheek bones well defined.

You take a minute to process the information.  So, when he looks like he’s having more fun with his friends, he’s really over reacting?  That still doesn’t explain why he seems so lack luster around me.  “It’s an act?  Okay.  Even so, that doesn’t explain why you don’t seem to be very happy around me,” you challenge.  You sit up a little and rest on your elbow.  Baekhyun mirrors your position.

“That’s because I’m not very happy around you.”

Cue mental breakdown.  “What?” you whisper.  Your heart sinks to your stomach.

“Every moment I spend with you is perfection.”  He smiles at you softly, leaning his head to one side, looking adorable.  Your heart immediately returns to your chest and starts pounding full speed ahead.  Your breath catches in your throat leaving you looking like a fish with your mouth hanging open.

Baekhyun continues.  “Jagiya, when I’m around you, the question is no longer how happy I am, it’s how perfect you are.  I know you don’t believe in perfection, but when I see you, I can’t help but think that you’re the closest thing I’ve ever seen to perfect.”  He lifts his hand to your face and runs his fingers down your cheek, then twists them in your curls.  “I love you.”

To say that you are speechless would be an understatement.  You realize in that moment how silly you were to let your insecurities get the best of you.  You want to say something back, but the only statements that come to your mind are jumbled and incoherent.  You can only find yourself saying three words that come from somewhere deep inside you.

“I love you.”

Baekhyun smiles and slides his hand around your neck drawing his face close to yours.  He kisses you so softly that you can barely feel his lips, but in your heart you feel an electric pulse that wipes away any lingering doubt still flooding your brain.  You don’t know how long it lasts, but the next thing you know is that you are laying back down on your pillow with Baek’s forehead resting on yours.  You fall asleep in his arms, knowing that he cares for you more than you had ever imagined.

~<3 ~

When you wake you in the morning to your obnoxious alarm, you are disappointed to see the spot next to you empty.  You pout at first, but then smile instantly as you remember what he said the night before.  Now over the shock of the confession, you just feel giddy and giggly.  You cover your face and scream internally, kicking your feet and throwing your covers to the ground.

You sit up, now fully energized and ready for the day.  That’s when you noticed the note.  Looking in your mirror, there is a note written in black.

Good Morning, Jagi!  Sorry I had to leave, but you need to get ready for school.  So get up and don’t be late!  Luv U! –Baekky

You smile and stand up taking a closer look at the writing.  If he used permanent marker on this, I might kill him.  You swipe your finger the last exclamation point and look at the smug for examination.

Eyeliner.