It was another day of events with Super Junior, promotional activities and performances, everything one right after the other. That particular day, though, I found myself with both Super Junior and f(x).

We were preparing to leave the company when Luna bounded right up to me. "Heeyung-shi, we get to work with you today?"

"With me?" I asked, somewhat surprised. I hadn't been notified of a transer to f(x)... 

"Well, not you, exactly. We're working with SuJu, and you work with them, too!"

"Ah. I see," I replied, trying to keep my tone neutral. I was still haunted by the memory of vomiting all over Luna, and I found the idea that she was not bothered at all rather unlikely.

"Luna~! Is this one of your friends?" The girl speaking had a Chinese accent, but her Korean was decent. She strolled up behind Luna, her eyes bright, and her smile wide.

"Victoria-eonni, this is Heeyung-eonni."

"Oh, I see." She bowed, and I nodded.

"Oh, Victoria-yang. I see. That makes sense."

Luna smiled, nudging my shoulder and declaring, "you should ride in our car today!"

"Huh?!" The idea was extremely odd. I'd actually started to get used to riding with the Super Junior members, even when they were changing in the back of the van or getting in some last-minute rehearsal before their next performance. 

I saw Eunhyuk and Kyuhyun walking up to get in the vehicles, and saw them look at me as if they were about to say something.

I tried to pull towards them, but all Luna gave me was time to give them a sympathetic smile as I was pulled into f(x)'s vehicle.

We arrived at the television studio, and the guys and the girls both got ready for their activity while I sat back and worked on the revised stock predictions. This continued into the working of hair and makeup, and I was starting to feel glad for the f(x) members' presence. With them there, the guys didn't even seem to think about me, and I could be left to myself. 

But that doesn't last forever. Luna came and sat next to me on the couch, her makeup all done, her eyes sparkling. "So have you thought about how you can be a beautiful person?"

"It's not worth the thought. I would much rather you forget all about ever having seen that note."

She laughed, and I glared at her, but she didn't even seem to take notice. "I don't think he meant just as physically beautiful. There's more to beauty than just that. I know you think you're not worth liking, but I don't think you would be, if you didn't push people away. I mean. Come on. If you never tell people how you're feeling, then how will you ever know if they like you or not?"

"If I never give them the chance, then I won't have to."

"But doesn't it just hurt more to push people away? Isn't it worse to have them think that you're hateful, when you're really not?"

"No."

She opened to argue, but then shook her head. "Okay, I guess. But I'm still here if you want to talk."

"I don't want to."

She shrugged. "Well, I'm going now, Eonni."

"Have a good performance, Luna-shi."

She seemed surprised at my well-wishes, but she was smiling when she walked out behing Victoria and Leeteuk.

 ~

The day had been going more or less fine while the event was actually going on. That is, until Luna managed to get herself injured.

I wasn't there when it happened, so I don't know the details. But I rushed in as soon as I could, making myself look as concerned as I could possibly manage.

"Should I go with her?" I asked her manager, but Luna shook her head, her face pale. "No, Eonni, I'll be fine. You don't work for me after all, right?"

Looking at her smile as she was pulled through the doors, I felt a little stab of guilt. It wasn't my fault that she got hurt-- I hadn't even been there. Still, it was a stab at what little existed of my conscious to remind me of the fact that she was fully aware that I could care less about her friendship.

I swallowed, counted to five, and then turned to face the guys and Victoria. "Well, the show must go on. You have some free time until the music show later tonight. Judging by the viewer ratings, previous awards, and the relative dedication of the Super Junior fandom, I think you have a high chance of winning."

I waited for a reaction, but they were all only staring past me, where Luna had left.

I waved my hand in front of their faces to get their intention. "Hello? I know I'm short, but you don't have to ignore me. Didn't you hear me? I think you might win tonight."

Leeteuk was the first to force a smile. "That's great, Heeyung-shi! If you think we can do it, then we definitely can!"

I pursed my lips, and then looked at Manager Kim, and then down at the schedule. "Tell you what. You guys can go wherever you want for a while. Out with friends, get something to eat-- just make sure you're back in time for the performance. No funny business. We can't have the mood be this bad for a performance."

They nodded, seeming happy to hear about the freedom.

They dispersed, and as they went their separate ways, I heard Siwon ask Kyuhyun, "are you going to church?"

I sighed, sitting down again and deciding that it was just another thing to have to put in my next report. Hopefully a little bit of cool-down time would get the group back on its feet, and I wouldn't have to deal with any explosions of drama.

I was wrong. I was so wrong.

~

 Not all of the guys hung out in the backstage room during the break. Some of them, like Kyuhyun and Siwon, left to go to other places. Personally, I kept my nose out. 

I heard Leeteuk declare that, in order to improve the mood, he would let them play pranks on him for a while. I heard this, of course, and decided that it might be interesting to see how this played out.

Victoria sat down next to me on the couch, looking at her phone, where she had uploaded the video of the pre-recording that she and Luna had done with the guys earlier.

"Do you mind?" she asked. "I don't want to bother them."

I pursed my lips, but shrugged and said nothing. I admit, I felt a bit uncomfortable around Victoria. I wasn't used to having foreigners around. Her accent was a bit annoying, and the fact that she had to think so hard to come up with words was also a bit frustrating. Nonetheless, it wouldn't benefit anyone to let her know that I didn't like her. So I'd play along, and keep my thoughts to myself.

When there was laughing on the other side of the room, I looked up to see Manager Kim with his phone out, recording a couple of the guys trying to pull Leeteuk's pants off. Victoria squeaked and looked away, practically burying her head in my shoulder.

"Honestly, you guys, I know you don't care about what happens to scar my mind, but could you at least protect Victoria's eyes?" I snapped, glaring at them over the edge of my laptop.

They laughed for a little bit longer, and then Leeteuk put his hands up and said, "okay, okay, time to stop, guys. Hyung is going to take a nap."

He pulled a blanket over his head cutely, and the room was blissfully quiet for a little while. In another corner of the room, the coordinators and makeup staff were discussing the concepts for later, and Shindong was peacefully taking a nap.

I shook my head and focused on my work again, until I heard chuckling on the other side of the room. Donghae was pouring water on Leeteuk's head. Silly kid.

The second time he did it, Leeteuk sat up and, with a smile, told him to cut it out. Once again, I elected to sit it out. None of this was my problem. After all, my job was to watch what they did and report it to the Artist Manager. I'd come to realize that it didn't necessarily mean to interfere in anything.

The door opened and Kyuhyun entered, a wide smile on his face. Wherever he'd gone, it must have cheered him up immensely, because he seemed in a much better mood than anyone had been in when he'd left.

Seeing Donghae about to pour another round of water on their leader's head, Kyuhyun volunteered to do it. He dumped the water and then dashed across the room, ducking behind the couch that Victoria and I were sitting on.

"Shhhh, don't say anything!" he whispered around a grin.

Perhaps, right then and there, a morally upright person would have told him that he'd probably just made a mistake. And maybe I was even thinking about doing so, whether it was my job or not. But, well, I never got the chance.

"YA!" Leeteuk shouted, sitting up, not at all happy this time, fake or not. Seeing Donghae halfway across the room, he threw the blanket at him, shouting at him.

"Hyung... it wasn't me..." Donghae replied, looking indignant. As if it hadn't been him the other two times. But, well, guilt is situational.

Still upset, he saw Eunhyuk sitting next to him, a hand over his mouth, and gave him a half-hearted whap to the back of the head, accusing him next.

It's hard to describe the younger guy's expression. I'd say the closest I'd ever seen it was the way he'd looked when I'd first met him in the SPAO store, telling him off. That disappointed, upset, hurt look. "Hyung... it wasn't me!"

And, of course, deciding that his fellow group members had suffered enough, Kyuhyun stood up from behind the couch, the grin still on his face. "Hyung... it was me."

Leeteuk was visibly upset, crossing the room and popping the maknae across the back of the head. Clearly he was still upset from Luna's injury, and having to go through all of the pranks had only worsened his bad mood, completely destroying his usual lackadaisical personality.

Victoria looked at me wide-eyed. The other staff members looked at each other in shock. Shindong sat up, bleary-eyed, looking around.

The mood in the room felt heavy. It hadn't been this quiet in a long time. Leeteuk stormed out of the room, leaving Kyuhyun standing just behind me, frozen. And then he came back, yelled at Kyuhyun again, and hit him again, before storming out a second time. 

Men are proud creatures. They hate to show tears, but they're still susceptible to them. They hate showing emotion, and I knew how much all of them were filled with it, the way they reacted to these things. Unlike me. Emotionless me would never have pranks pulled on me, anyway, since I rarely gave a satisfactory reaction. Nonetheless, with so many people in the room, Kyuhyun wasn't about to start crying, so he left the room, too.

The coordinators started to go after him, but I shook my head. "Don't."

"But-- Heeyung-shi!"

"Worry about the performance in a few hours," I hissed, standing up. "Victoria-shi, you should probably go somewhere else for a while. Manager Kim, I know you got a video of this occurrence. I would like you to send it to me, please."

I marched out of the room, deciding that my presence would not help anything. At least, I needed some air. Much as I hated to admit it, the sight of the fighting was extremely unsettling. They were much happier people than I was, despite everything, so I never saw arguments become anything more than jokes. It was a bit... unnerving, I admit.

I bit my lip, clutching my closed laptop to my chest. What should I do?

"Aren't you going to do anything?" Yesung asked, leaning against the wall next to me.

I shook my head. "If anyone steps in and forces them to make up, it will only explode later. We might as well see how this plays out. Hope for the best."

"Heeyung-shi... what would you do if the group fell apart?"

I was a bit surprised by the question, and had to bite back a gasp. "I... I would be devastated," I replied honestly. They really were a well-balanced group. At this point, though, it was different from feelings of a fan. I depended on them, and I knew them well. The idea of them not being there, not being crazy, not pulling pranks on each other and not always asking me questions, not begging me for help, was a bit heartbreaking. Still...

"You would? You actually care?"

"Well... I am in charge of you guys," I replied, trying and failing to smile. "I kind of got used to you. What would I do if they stuck me with TVXQ again? Or a group of rookies? You're a bunch of pains in the , but at least you get your job done." I leaned my head back, closing my eyes. "Still... I think it would be better if I didn't get involved. I'm no good at solving arguments, and other parties getting involved just make things worse anyway."

I thought of my parents, incessantly arguing, and how, whenever I tried to step in, all that happened was the redirecting of anger. Appa would take it out on me and Shin, and Eomma would go outside and sit in the darkness, not to return until the early morning, and then it would just sit. Arguments never really settled themselves in my household.  They were never forgotten, but after enough time we would move on, and there would be a little bit of peace until the next time, and then all of the previous fights would surface again, making every argument worse because of all of the little fights that had come before. Shin and I didn't interfere anymore. We would just hide in our rooms and wait for everything to get quiet. Wait until Appa was in the bathroom to run to the kitchen and get food before running back to our rooms.

"Then I won't do anything, either," he declared, breaking me out of my thoughts. I straightened up, wondering how my face had looked.

"Yesung-shi, you don't have to take my advice. If you remember, I don't actually have any authority over any of you. The other staff members, yeah, but you guys just answer to Manager Kim. You could completely ignore me and not be in the wrong at all."

He shrugged. "You're right, though. We'll just make it worse. Besides, Leeteuk, Eunhyuk and Kyuhyun are good people. They'll figure it out. Don't worry."

He smiled and patted my shoulder, and then went back into the room. I remained where I was, thinking about what was happening, and how I would have to put all of it in my report. The Artist Manager would just love all of this, wouldn't she? Misery, discord... everything she seemed to want. Super Junior was unpredictable. Super Junior expected so much. If they couldn't control themselves, then they would be easier to control. I had said so myself.

It was right, after all. In terms of management, I had said nothing wrong. But I wasn't happy about it.

I didn't think it would actually happen.

~

I went back into the room, and another hour passed while I sat by myself, working on the report.

 Shindong was sitting next to Eunhyuk, talking softly, probably trying to make him feel better. Everyone else was taking their turns getting their hair done. Most of the rest of the guys were quiet. The silence was a nightmare. I thought that quiet like this would be a relief, but while I was actually experiencing it, it felt uncomfortable. I wanted to scream at them to get over themselves and be professionals. At the very least I needed to scream something. How much I hated having to write these stupid reports. That they needed to stop looking up to me, stop respecting me, stop trusting me, and go back to relying on each other more than anyone else. But I couldn't tell them any of that.

Leeteuk and Kyuhyun both returned to the room at some point, and both got talked to by Shindong, who was, admirably, trying to step up to the plate as one of the older members of the group. Which, I guess, was the best thing, since Heechul seemed completely uninterested in what was going on, and Yesung was being entirely quiet, just like he'd said. Stay out of it, don't pick sides. 

I noticed when Leeteuk talked to Eunhyuk, but didn't ask what was being said. They got their hair and makeup done, and then Manager Kim, making a big, happy smile, said, "Okay, boys! We're gonna kill it again this time, right?! Even Heeyung-shi said so!"

I looked up, surprised, at the sound of my name. "Y-yes. Yes I did."

"SO go out there and kill them all, right, Leeteuk?!" he attempted, nudging the leader harshly in the arm.

"Yeah! Kill them all!" Leeteuk shouted haflf-heartedly, but it was Shindong that led the cheer, forcing a smile onto his face. I had to give him credit-- he was really stepping up to the plate.

The staff all went along with them as they headed onstage for their performance, so we could watch. Maybe help if there was a major accident or costume malfunction.

I clutched my notepad to my chest and watched them perform. "Mr. Simple", all about ignoring haters and being whatever you wanted to be. So motivational! ...and they had faces of stone.

Not that the fans seemed to notice. They screamed as loud as ever, waving sapphire blue lightsticks and banners, chanting along with the words to the song. Still, it was awful how flat everyone looked. They were usually so good onstage... even when they were sick, they smiled and pretended not to be in pain. But I guess physical pain was more tolerable than emotional pain.

I had really been right in that report I'd given to the Artist Manager, hadn't I? The group wasn't concerned about anything but each other. The idea of being upset with each other seemed to be the one thing that could throw off their game.

After the performance was over, I stayed where I was, watching the MCs, absorbing every aspect of the music show. When they were announcing the winners, though, I turned away, unable to bear the disappointment of them not winning.

"And the winner is... Super Junior!"

I turned back around, eyes wide. You mean... after all that... they still won?"

They still all looked horrible, though, as the encore performance started. Not just Eunhyuk, Leeteuk, and Kyuhyun, either. They all just clapped along to the beat, not even bothering to plaster on smiles.

I desperately hoped that the fans would be too caught up in the excitement of the win to notice how upset they looked. A trashed performance could ruin everything. Stocks could drop.

I headed back to the dressing room before the encore perfor, sitting down with my notepad on my lap. Soon enough the group members were filing back into the room, all still looking upset. But none more angry than Shindong. He rushed into the room, shouting about how unprofessional everyone had been, and viciously kicked over the styrofoam cooler that we had left sitting in the middle of the room, filled with water and cola.

It was almost funny, honestly. Aftually, more than almost.

Styrofoam went everywhere. Coke came spraying out of the box, completely soaking poor, innocent Yesung, who had been deliberately staying out of everything.

"YA! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!" He shouted, suddenly joining everyone in the anger. I covered my face with my hands, just hoping for the day to end. But, of course, that was not about to happen. We still had to get the guys to Dream Team after that.

I hid my face behind my hands, trying desperately not to let them see that I was laughing. I know, I'm a horrible, awful person, considering how miserable I felt. But situationally, with all of the stress, I was just waiting to crack. And the sight of Yesung, soaked in cola and FUMING, was the trigger to completely knock me off my rocker. I stammered to the coordinators to get Yesung a change of clothes and then made a declaration about going to get some towels, and then quickly retreated out of the room.

When I was far enough away, I let the laughter out.

~

 The various group members split apart as some of them went home, and some of them piled back into the van to be driven off to film for Dream Team. I went with the van heading to filming, partially because they were the ones still working, and partially because I was worried about them.

Leeteuk sat in the front, right next to Manager Kim. I was a bit annoyed, I admit. That was my preferred spot when I went anywhere with the group.

Eunhyuk sat in the very, very back. As far away from Leeteuk as possible.

When Sungmin was getting in, he looked back and forth between the two of them helplessly, and then sighed and sat in the very center. The guy had been pretty quiet, I had to admit. I could tell that he didn't want to get involved any more than I did, but he still elected to be a buffer. 

How many misunderstandings does it take to ruin an idol group? I wondered, in the mental voice of a lightbulb joke. I felt my lips turn up at the corners, and forced myself not to smile. If I laughed, I would only make them more upset, or worse, upset at me. That was something I couldn't afford. My job was, after all, to make them trust me. Even when they didn't trust each other.

Covering my mouth with my hand and pretending to cough, I climbed into the van and made the snap decision to sit in the very back, next to Eunhyuk. I didn't really feel like joining Sungmin as a buffer. I'd probably only make it worse. I always did.

I sat down on the opposite side of the seat, looking out the window and pretending to not even acknowledge his existence. I assumed that Eunhyuk would do the same, but he didn't.

"Heeyung-shi... do you know what I should do?" he whispered to me, leaning across the seat, while Manager Kim started up the engine and started driving.

"You didn't do anything, Eunhyuk-shi. Just put it out of your mind," I answered. Technically, it was true. Eunhyuk hadn't actually been one of the ones who had caused the conflict. He was, though, one of the ones that had created the awful mood.

"But... everything happened, and everyone's upset, and... what if everything falls apart because of some stupid misunderstanding?" His voice cracked, and I could tell that he was on the brink of tears.

"Coming to me for advice is silly, Lee Hyukjae," I sighed, looking out the window again. "I create business relations. I don't create meaningful friendships. I make sure the job gets done. I don't know how to fix the emotions of a group of guys, and you're silly if you think I would."

He hung his head, and I felt bad for saying those kinds of things, even if they were true. That expression on his face... he reminded me of Shin. If Shin had had a simply awful first impression of me.

I felt myself soften, and I put a hand on his shoulder, checking to make sure that no one else in the car was listening, or paying attention to either of us. They weren't.

"Look, Hyukjae-shi... you don't like me. I know that. And that's why I know that you're so worried about this thing that you'd ask anyone nearby for help, no matter who it is. I really don't know how to help you. That's the truth."

He nodded, still looking down at his feet. "And that's what I hate the most about you. You always tell the truth. Even when it's horrible."

I winced, pulling my hand away from his shoulder. "I do my job, Eunhyuk-shi. That's all. Now you do yours. As a team. That's what's bothering you, isn't it? You're worried about the team. Just what would you do if the team fell apart?"

It was the question that Yesung had asked me, but it would have to do for now. What the hell was I saying? Wasn't I trying to stay out of this? And here I was, using someone else's technique as my own and trying to comfort him. To help him. Have I ever not contradicted myself?

"I... It's always been us. Together. I would never have made it this far without..."

I felt my heart contract, and so I looked back out the window, whispering, "Then make it farther."