Sungmin was obviously a lot stronger than he looked, if his grip on my ankle was any indication. 

Then again, despite his delicate mannerisms and generally friendly disposition, it wasn't too difficult to tell that Sungmin was actually quite strong. He was stocky, for one thing, not long and slim like most of the other guys. Not fat by any means, but with a more definitely solidly built figure.

"Let go of me, and we'll see about it," I shot back, still breathing heavily from the act of exercising. Standing with one leg up in the air can get very uncomfortable very fast, so my muscles were starting to ache.

Sungmin let go, and I gladly put my leg back down, glancing over at Luna and Mi Cha, who both looked extremely concerned, but not intervening.

"How did you know I was here?" I asked, checking the wrap around my hands.

He shrugged. "I met Luna in the lobby when she was waiting for you. I asked her where you were going, and she told me."

I looked down at the ground, saying quietly, "So I take it you didn't just stumble in on accident. You're here for a reason."

His eyes narrowed. "For a sparring match, of course. Since you're a brown belt in Karate."

The air between the two of us was tense, and I could understand the hidden message in his presence: Leeteuk, Yesung, and even Kyuhyun may have ostensibly forgiven me, but Sungmin, sweet, gentle Sungmin, had not.

"You're a brown belt?" Luna asked innocently. "You never told me that."

"I never told a lot of people that," I replied, straightening up. "Look, if you've got things to say to me, fine. But not in public, Like it or not, I'm on your staff team, so public relations and press are some of my concerns."

"Um, if I may," a well-built man in a pair of exercise shorts said, stepping between the two of you, "there's a wrestling room in the back. Mats and all, if you want someplace for yourselves. I'm the manager, by the way."

"Yes, that will do fine," I answered, bowing. "Thank you."

He nodded, looking between me and Sungmin. "This way, please."

Luna and Mi Cha start to follow, but I shook my head. The two of them exchange glances, but comply, staying on the machines.

When the manager is gone and the door is shut behind me, I walk to the opposite side of the room, again adjusting my gear. "This is about yesterday, isn't it?" 

"I can't just forgive you in one day. We've already been through so much, endured so much... and then you just add one more thing to the list. Do you feel anything? Are you even human?!"

I swallowed. "No. Sometimes I'm fairly sure I'm not."

He set his jaw, wrapping his hands with tape. "Bow to your opponent."

"Sungmin-shi, please be reasonable. We don't even fight with the same style. I use Karate. You use Hapkido."

"If you were getting mugged by someone trained in Hapkido, you'd still have to know how to fight them off, wouldn't you?" he asked, then repeated, "bow to your opponent."

I did, and he followed me, bending at the waist. We both straightened up, fists in front of our faces.

Neither of us moved for a long time. I didn't really want to fight him. Most of my anger towards any of the Super Junior members had petered out long ago, and what was left had dissolved when they had found out that I had been spying on them, and kept me around anyway.

Finally he stepped forward, and my adrenaline started pumping. His movements were fairly graceful, the first of his kicks a sweeping move that would have knocked me off of my feet if I hadn't jumped backwards, out of his way.

"I know why you're angry, and I don't blame you," I gasped, dodging another high kick. "But why are you so angry, compared to everyone else?"

I blocked an attempt at a wrist lock, taking the opportunity to land a blow to his unguarded stomach.

He doubled over slightly, and I dodged backwards, keeping my arms in front of my face.

"You don't understand it, do you?" he asked, starting forward, more of those spinning kicks that kept me stepping backwards, moving around and around and around on those wrestling mats. "I am the one in the middle!" Before I could react, he hand my wrist in his grip, bending it backwards. I was pulled off-balance, gritting my teeth. "Six Hyungs, six Dongsaengs. I have to see everything, have to keep the peace, have to tell everyone 'it's okay'! Can't we just have at least a few years, just a few, where we don't feel like the whole world is against us?!"

With a groan, I jumped on one leg and snapped out a kick with the other, springing away from his grip. But he got another kick in, and I hit the ground hard, my breath escaping my lungs.

I coughed, breathing hard, rolling away and to my feet. "It's not... what... I... wanted."

"Do you enjoy making us miserable? Is that it? Do you like torturing us?"

I dodged away again, turning so that I was on the other side of the room. "No!"

"How do we know that everything's okay?" he asked, grabbing my arm before I could get away and twisting, throwing me in a full-fledged Hapkido throw. I hit the ground hard, wincing from the pain. He wasn't going lightly on me because I was a girl. Which was, honestly, the way it was supposed to be, although a bit surprising for Sungmin. "How do we know that you're on our side now, just because you say you are?!"

I had just about had it with this fight, with this rage, with the knowledge that he was, undeniably, correct, and there wasn't anything I could do to prove it to him. There was pain and anger and none of it wa because of him, or any of the guys. I was just bitter, and I was always running away, protecting myself.

"You DON'T!" I shouted, kicking up, hard, straight into his solar plexus. And then jumping to my feet, spinning back around. "You DON'T know that I'm on your side!" Punches, punches, faster than I thought I could ever go. He blocked some, but not all of them, apparently surprised by the sudden aggression. "I don't know how to confront problems, alright?!" I spun with a high kick, which he fortunately dodged. "I run away. I hide. I cover myself in body armor and weather the storm, because God knows I can't do anything on my own!" I shouted. I was vaguely aware that I was crying, that my chest hurt, that my body was moving without thinking. "I'm not good. I'm not bad. I'm not weak, but I'm NEVER strong enough to be worth anything. I'm not a friend. I'm not a foe. I'm just here. The world has no need for me, and yet I come up with little excuses to stay."

I fell to the ground in front of him, my shoulders quivering, tears leaking from my eyes.

And then suddenly Sungmin was on his knees in front of me, his own eyes watering. "Please don't cry. I'm sorry."

I shook my head. "Don't you be sorry," I sniffed, my lips quivering. "I'm the one that hurt you. Don't you ever be sorry."

He still looked concerned, the anger on his face melted away, as if it had never been there. "It's not because I hit you, is it? When I was first learning Hapkido I had to spar with girls, so I didn't think..."

I glared at him. "It's not because you hit me, Lee Sungmin. I'm much more resilient than you think."

He straightened up, looking down at me thoughtfully. "That's it, then?"

"What?"

"That's who you are. I saw it, when we were fighting. You don't care about attacking people. Just protecting yourself."

I swallowed, remembering my old Sensei, telling me to attack more, stop dodging. "I protect myself, and I protect Shin. Everyone else is just collateral damage." I chuckled darkly, rubbing my now sore back. "I guess I really am a horrible person."

He stood up, then stretched out a hand to help me up. I looked up at him for a bit, and then clambered to my feet on my own.

"But were you always that way?" he asked.

"Yes. No. I don't know."

"Did you really mean that?" he asked, his voice suddenly soft, as if he was becoming extra careful.

"Mean what?"

"What you said about... the world having no use for you, and just coming up with little excuses to stay."

I winced, wondering at the words I had let spill out of my mouth at that time. "I... I guess I did."

"Have you..." he began, uncertainly, "have you ever, you know...?" he gestured at his wrists, and I shook my head.

"No. It's not like that. I never wanted to die, just to... disappear. So I wouldn't be a burden on anyone anymore."

He swallowed, starting towards the door. When he grabbed the door handle, though, he looked back. "Heeyung-shi... you've done a lot of bad things, and I know you regret them. But even though I feel so... angry at you right now... I don't want you to... disappear. I don't hate you that much. It's not worth it. Maybe... you should talk to someone."

I looked down at the ground, my eyelids feeling heavy. "But no one's going to want to listen."

He smiled, just a little bit, opening the door. "Have you ever tried? Tell them what you just told me. Even in the heat of the moment. It's okay to feel bad, Heeyung-shi. It's okay to feel sad, and feel angry, and feel hopeless. There are at least a few people out there that know that."

And then he went through the door, leaving me in that wrestling room, all alone.

~

 When I came out, I was limping slightly from the impact of the various Hapkido throws and kicks, and both Luna and Mi Cha were waiting near the entrance, wringing their hands and looking white-faced.

When they saw me come out, they automatically rushed to my side, frantic.

"Eonni, are you okay?!"

"All we could hear was some shouting, and banging sounds when someone would hit the floor!"

If I would have known... I wouldn't have told him..." Luna whimpered remorsefully.

"Are you alright?! I didn't think Sungmin-shi was that kind of person..." Mi Cha added, checking over the quickly-forming bruises on my legs.

I put a hand on Luna's shoulder. "Don't feel bad, Luna-shi. It's not your fault." And then I turned to Mi Cha. "And he's not that kind of person. It was a sparring match. That's it."

"But men shouldn't hit women..." Mi Cha muttered in response. "Ever."

"Men shouldn't hit women because they're defenseless. Not because they're both martial artists who require practice. He challenged me, and I agreed. It's a far cry from domestic abuse. Besides, I don't think he's in much better condition than I am."

Luna frowned. "No... now that I think about it, Sungmin-oppa looked pretty banged up, too... but still, why would he want to fight you?"

"Sungmin has a very sweet, tolerant disposition. He doesn't get upset that easily. It takes something really horrible to make someone like him upset. And... I did something really horrible."

Luna's eyes widened. "What do you mean?!"

I bit my lip, closed my eyes, and sighed, before opening my eyes and looking up at them. "Everyone keeps telling me that I need to trust people, open up to people. Maybe they're right."

I grabbed both of their hands, looking directly at each of them at a time. "I know it's not a fair question, and I don't blame you if you don't like it, but... can I ask you to listen to me, even though I have a hard time trusting people, even though I might have a hard time talking, and I haven't always been the greatest friend... can I ask that of you?"

Luna nodded without hesitation, nudging Mi Cha, who seemed too stunned to speak. But then she agreed, tightening her grip on my hand. "Heeyung-shi, you're going to trust us?"

I bit my lip. "I'm... I'm going to try."

~

When the three of us were in my apartment (Shin was at a friend's house), changed out of our workout gear, we sat in a circle on the floor while I stretched out my bruised muscles.

And I told them everything the SuJu members had found out, the deal, the treachery, the pain. How much I hated it, and yet wasn't able to stop. I told them about the bet with Siwon, the talks with Yesung and Leeteuk, all of them trying so hard to make me smile, to feel happy, and how confused it had made me feel. And then the fight with Sungmin, the words I had let spill out.

They were shocked, at first, and then soft, understanding. But I continued on, clutching my legs to my chest, resting my head between my knees.

"It's hard to say when it started," I said, reaching over to turn the lamp on, since it was well into dark outside. "The self-hate, I mean."

I closed my eyes, thinking back, way back, into my childhood. "You know, when you're a kid, you draw a picture, and, no matter how bad it is, your parents stick it to the refrigerator, telling you how great it is?"

Luna nodded, taking a drink of protein shake.

"It's because they're supposed to encourage you. To make you feel good about attempting something." I blinked, staring at the floor. "At some point, that just stopped. I think it was when the economy tanked and my Appa was laid off for a year. Everything changed." I remembered the bills stacked on the table, young little me leading two-year-old Shin by the pinkie finger upstairs so that he wouldn't hear the first of the fights. "It stopped being 'that looks wonderful, honey, just try to color in the lines next time', and instead turned into 'it's not really that good, Heeyung. Maybe you should try something else."

"That's horrible!" Mi Cha screeched, her pink-lipsticked mouth open in a perfect "O".

I shrugged. "Maybe it was. But I heard it so often... I started to accept it."

"But didn't you have friends?"

I nodded. "I did. And I appreciated them. They would never push me to do something I didn't want to do, never tried too hard to disagree with me when I said I couldn't do it."

"Couldn't do what?" Luna asked.

"Anything. Anything and everything. If I enjoyed it, I backed away from it, because I knew there would be disappointment someday. One by one, I gave up everything that made me happy, because I knew that I would never be as good at it as someone else."

I hid my face in my knees, sputtering, "No one ever told me 'good job, Heeyung' or 'you're amazing, Heeyung.' Nobody that meant anything. And even when they did, I was so used to hearing that I wouldn't be good enough that... that I was convinced they were just lying to me." I looked up, lacing my hands together. "A few months before I came to SM, I held on to four things, just four little things that kept me happy. One: Shin, my beloved little brother. Two: music. Super Junior. Three: my boyfriend, the only guy who had thought me worthy of anything, Kyubong. And four: my hope of being a makeup artist."

"Wait, you were a Super Junior fan?" Luna asked.

At the same time, Mi Cha asked, "You wanted to be a makeup artist?!"

"Yes and yes," I answered. "But, I remind you, absolutely NONE of what I'm telling you leaves this room, okay?"

"Yes, ma'am!" Luna agreed, smiling supportively

"By that time, I had lost faith in pretty much everyone but Shin and Kyubong. And then, on Christmas, Kyubong told me that he couldn't stand me anymore. Couldn't stand my obsession with a stupid band, thought I was hopeless and stupid for trying so hard to be a makeup artist, when I was just making myself poor."

"What a stupid guy!" Mi Cha shouted, with such exuberance that she actually leaped to her feet. "You're better off without him!"

I smiled weakly, and she sat back down. "Yeah, I know that now. But at the time? Of course, it destroyed me. It's a lot easier to think of a man as stupid when he's not the first one you've ever dated. But never having dated a guy didn't really contribute to my self-confidence. When Kyubong left, he took all but the last shred of my happiness with me." I looked over at the fridge, where the picture of me and Shin at SMTown hung. "Just like he wanted, I forgot about makeup, and I blamed my obsession with Super Junior for my problems, whether I knew it or not. When I came to the company, my little brother was the last little thread tying me to the world. I existed entirely for his sake."

Luna leaned backwards on her hands, looking at me thoughtfully. "Eonni... what made you change? If you've been like this for so long, then why now are you warming up?"

I looked down at my hands. "For the first time, I was surrounded by a group of people who did little to nothing but compliment me." I laughed. "I didn't understand it. I still don't understand it. Here I was, gloomy, angry, not-beautiful, can't-do-anything-right Heeyung, and yet for some reason they acted like I was some kind of gift bestowed upon them from the heavens. They rained the compliments down on me. From the beginning, I hated them, a little, but it's different now. Over and over again... they told me that I was worth something. That I could open up to them, that I could trust people, could do anything I set my mind to. That it was okay to reach out and grab what I wanted, instead of backing away. They complimented everything from my work ethic to my hair. Luna-shi, and Mi Cha-shi, too."

They smiled up at me, and then suddenly Luna had her arms around my shoulders, and then Mi Cha was hugging me, too. "OH, Heeyung-eonni, please be happy! Please, please, do your best!" Luna blubbered around noticeable tears. "You can trust me," she swore, leaning back and wiping the tears away with the back of her hand. "I'll keep your secret. And we'll work together on this company. You, and me, and Mi Cha, and Super Junior. Okay?!"

"I'll try."

She made a face. "No, you WILL!"

"Fine, I will."

"That's the spirit! Now, I'm hungry. All of this serious talk... we need a girls' movie night. What do you say, Heeyung-eonni? We can order pizza, on me!" Luna grinned.

"A-alright," I agreed, managing a smile. "Pizza, a movie... maybe some ice cream."

"So much for the exercise we got today," Mi Cha muttered, and then the three of us laughed.

~

The next day, I hardly felt all better (my back and legs still ached from the bruises there), but it felt like an incredible weight was off of my shoulders. Thinking about what would happen if either of the two girls blabbed made me nervous, but I did my best to ensure myself that they wouldn't.

I went through the work, arranging schedules, more planning for Super Show 4, and then right away into the year-end awards shows. There was never really a break when it came to these things. Meanwhile, of course, Leeteuk was working on We Got Married, and we humored Kang Sora.

Now, stop thinking like that, I had to remind myself. There's nothing wrong with the girl. She's actually quite sweet. You shouldn't dislike her just because she's someone else to work with.

Being a nice person, or even one that tried to help people, was a lot harder than just thinking your way out of it. To be honest, trying to put my life together was like trying to glue together a broken vase, only to find that the pieces you have are from three different vases, and you're using school glue instead of super glue, so no matter how hard you stick it together, it just falls apart again.

But I was trying. That was the important thing.

My duties now apparently included going to the Super Junior dorm to help get them out of bed, a time in which I took the opportunity to show them all a copy of the report I had submitted to the Artist Manager, not even remotely resembling the one I had shown them.

"Look, look, she says she's worried about you, Eunhyuk-ah!" Shindong remarked, laughing out loud. "That you're gonna break a limb someday!"

"No I think my favorite part was when she described our fight as one of the members getting so 'excited' that Yesung-hyung got splashed with cola," Kyuhyun argued.

The guys seemed to enjoy it immensely. "Heeyung-shi, did you make it like this on purpose?" Donghae asked.

I bit my lip. "Well... I may have found the deception a little bit amusing, I have to admit."

At this, they laughed even more. I shook my head, hugging my clipboard to my chest. "Alright, guys, time to go to work! Give that back! It's a secret, remember!"

~

The days went on, and slowly, I was starting to adjust. They still didn't trust me like they used to, but they continued to have a faith in me that my own boyfriend had never had. They didn't tell me about their distrust of the company, or about their personal lives, but they let me in, close. They still complimented every single thing, rewarded every single action. Even Sungmin seemed calmer, now that we'd fought. Not exactly trusting, but he wasn't guarded around me, either.

It was incredible, to me, just how generous these guys were. Always buying things for the staff, for the fans, making sure everyone had food, was warm, was safe. They had more tolerance of sasaengs than I myself had had when I was a fan.

"How do you do that?!" I asked Kyuhyun after he had smiled and waved at a fan after she had grabbed him by the back of the hood to try to get his attention.

He shrugged. "I got used to it. I've had worse."

"Have you all gotten used to it?" I asked, looking around at the other members.

"Well... not Henry and Zhou Mi, probably."

"Oh... right. Henry and Zhou Mi."

Kyuhyun raised an eyebrow. "What? Is there something wrong with the two of them?"

"Oh, no, they're fine," I said quickly, too quickly, but fortunately Kyuhyun continued.

"I wouldn't say they have a sasaeng problem so much as an anti problem. A stupid one, but we do everything we can, and nothing helps."

"Isn't it because they're foreigners?" I asked, trying to keep up with Kyuhyun's long strides as he walked through the company building.

He paused, turning back to me. "But Han Geng was a foreigner. The media might have had a problem, but the fans never did."

I opened my mouth to argue, but he went on. "And Tiffany, and Jessica, of Seo Nyuh Shi Dae. They're foreigners. And Amber Liu, and Victoria Song, of f(x). And nobody has a problem with them. So why Henry and Zhou Mi?"

I started to argue, but then my phone rang. It was the Artist Manager. I froze, answering it. "Yes, Ma'am?"

"I'm transferring your workload to another staff member," she announced, sounding just as icily calm over the phone as she did in person. "Since you've done so well with Super Junior, I wanted to transfer you to an even more important project."

I felt the blood drain from my face. "Another project, Ma'am?"

"We're debuting a new group soon, Han Heeyung-shi. I want you to leave behind your work with Super Junior, and work with this new group instead."