freshman's fall: lee junho.

The summer days were dwindling. Leaves of green were becoming red, orange and yellow. The leftover green colors of each leaf would be consumed by autumn. It was when her wine  colored boots would hear the crunch of every leaf did she meet Lee Junho.  It was an accident, she swore. She saw him on the bus everyday. He never said a word, and she never dared to dwell into his wonders. It wasn't as though he was her age anyways. He was at least a year older than her, and his hair changed colors as much as the autumn leaves. They were never to say a word to each other. He would get off at the college and she would follow suit. It was an accident, she wasn't supposed to muster up any courage. But he was so pretty, his facial features were perfect and she was always curious. 

She followed him off the bus like always. She followed him into the main building of the college. Thoughts of doubt ran through her mind, she had one chance. Her heart quivered, her finger pressed on his shoulders and the words came out of effortlessly. 

"I'm Yoona, I see you on the bus  a lot, what's your name?" she asked. He gave her a smile, covered in confidence and roaring appearance, even up close he was extremely attractive, it wasn't fair to the world. 

"I'm Junho, what classes do you have?" 

Her heart faltered a bit, her smile wavered. He was too perfect and she didn't even know what to say to perfection. His flaws were covered by his smile, how his eyes curved upwards and somehow she couldn't help but realize she was speaking to someone of that kind, a kind of incomprehensible beauty.

It was through a few words (maybe sentences, she lost count) that he sat a few rows behind her in her mathematics class. She was always one of the last ones in the class because her English class always ran too long and she never got to sit in the back. She always sat in the front. But that day, he sat right there, next to her and smiled casually her way. Her heart got caught in and trying to say her gratefulness seemed a lot more work than usual. The inabilitiy to speak rendered any conversation to start and made her doubt her abilities to even befriend someone like him. 

to; changminnie
from; im yoona
the cute boy from the bus is talking to me. help me. 

to; im yoona
from; shim changmin
don't be a dunce. hey, im coming down later this week. 

to; changminnie
from; im yoona
you know where to go, i'll meet up with you after work.

It became normal, a heartbeat that would pound like crazy when he sat next to her on the bus. And their conversations were more than a few words, more than a few smiles. It became a lot more than that. It was a daily routine to smile his way whenever their eyes met.  She became a bubbly fool when he messaged her the same 'wake up, it's time to get to school every morning. And would becom an idiot whenever he said hi to her.

"I wasn't all that great of a student in high school," he said on the bus. The bus was empty. There were only a few people were on the bus. Their eyes never met another set and only they would say a few words. It was a dangerous pasttime. His eyes stared back at hers. "I didn't think it was a big deal. People always worried about their grades, the next test and how their life always depended on school," he continued. It was refreshing to hear that he wasn't one of those kids. It didn't fit his easygoing personality and his smile that always seemed  wide. There's a smile on her lips once more and she tries to say something. But something clogs up and she can't find words again. She finds herself swallowing words that need to leave her lips. But he smiles a little again, ruffles her hair and says he'll see her in math. (Yoona is mad once again that she's too shy to tell him everything she has ever wanted to say to him.)

She's too shy to say anything to him whenever he's around.

He  finds a girl by the end of the fall quarter. He talks about her a lot and he lights up whenever he talks about her.  Yoona tries to forget that she knows his girlfriend or how she sees them hanging out too much. How she feels awkward whenever she sees them together and how she sits there without much thought. There is nothing she can say, but she only smiles. She smiles because when he catches her offguard with her high school friend, when he catches her staring at his girlfriend, when they're so casual, she wants to throw up the last bit of her humanity. 

Because there's something wrong with this, there's something all wrong about this. But she only smiles, she pretends that they aren't daggers in her lungs. She is no victim in this wretched game of love. She loses a late night companion because her friend thinks that she's in love with him. She hesitantly forgets that she should be happy. She forgets that she has been a happy person until he came around and there is something wrong about it all. She can feel her ribs break into pieces and it pierces her heart. There is nothing logical about what is going through her thoughts. There is nothing logical about ribs and hearts. But she pretends because pretending is okay. Pretending gets her through the day. A small smile and a crippled heart always gets her through the day. 

Yoona doesn't try to start a conversation with Junho anymore. She tries to win the affections of Hyoyeon because Hyoyeon is one of her only friends at the college. Yoona tries not to feel so lonely when they're both gone and she has no one on Thursdays. She swallows her misery and puts a brave front for everyone to see. Because this is okay. This is all okay. 

Her heart starts bleeding. He was never a boy she crushed on. He was a boy that she wanted to have a conversation with. She was a boy who kept her company on her loneliest days. 

Things fall apart after the quarter ends. Donghae comes back and breaks her hope. He tells her about meeting girls and falling in love. He loses her in the midst of a tornado. He loses her when he forgets to tell her that he'll break his promise. They were all so nice. They were all so pretty. Boys don't have any kind of loyalty, she guesses. He runs through her mind all day for the next two weeks.

Changmin gets busy. Changmin is always busy and whenever she calls, they're only trying to tear each other to pieces. She cries and he stays numb to everything she has to say. He doesn't have time to come down. He doesn't have time to ease her broken heart. He doesn't time for anything that sways him away from his own education. She tells him it's okay. She tells him that they're nothing more than friends. And she stops caring. Let him be happy. Let him be happy. 

She doesn't mind. She tries to open up to someone about this all. But she forgets that she doesn't think she's allowed to vent. She doesn't think she's allowed to fall apart. She doesn't have anyone at some point. And so she smiles, she falls behind the pretend smiles at school because no one knows her well enough to halt them. And sometimes she stays at home with the same smile. She loses her happiness somewhere in the quarter. And it's not because she hasn't found a boy to ease her misery. She's just miserable at home. But no one really knows that. And she doesn't mind anyways. 

a/n: so sorry i haven't updated this in so long. i've been busyyyy. and so this chapter isn't all that great or pretty. it's been a really rough few months for me and i'm not sure about a lot of things. man whenever i write junho and yoona i always end it on a sour note or i come back to it after a long period of time of writing it. junyoon, why are you like this to me? /screeches/