lost in time: winter

Cute, he is incredibly cute. Yoona smiles softly as she pulls herself together at the table of nerds. She doesn't fit in, she really doesn't fit in. But she always enjoyed video games. Junho is the one who introduces her to the table because she's his friend and whoever is friends with him gets a spot at the table. But there's a guy on the side, younger than her, who notices her eyes. He plays Ike a lot on Smash and he has small eyes but a grand smile. She sits on the sides, watches from an outsider's point-of-view, she still doesn't know everyone's name and she really has no idea how to address someone because two of them look alike to her. It takes her a few weeks to remember his name, it's really hard, she thinks because there are so many names that it could be, but he has the most interest in her. His name is Daesung, Kang Daesung and she swears that someone should have told her that he would be the only one she would get close to at the table. If anything, she thinks she's only friends with Hyoyeon and Junho. They're cute really, but there is a sense of betrayal when they don't tell her of their relationship when it started. 

He takes the first quarter of Japanese when she's on her third. It's really simple. Sometimes she says hello and asks him if he's doing well in Japanese. Other times, she cheers him on during the tournaments that Junho holds because Junho really is good at Smash and sometimes, she really forgets that she's friends with such a "senpai" like that. They don't really know each other, she believes. She doesn't know if they're supposed to be friends, but they say hello sometimes, they have conversations and she would like to call him a friend. She really hopes she can call him a friend. 

to; chang the min
from; im yoona
ugh, when are you coming over, i miss you so much.

to; her
from; shim changmin
you're just getting really lonely over there, aren't you?

to; chang the min
from; her
yeah, whatever. 

She knows her relationship with Changmin isn't going to change anymore. The winter quarter is full of tests and exams that Changmin is awfully too busy for. And she tries her best to learn how to not rely on him. (She's not supposed to be addicted to some kind of drug, and she really isn't supposed to be addicted to a boy. She can't be dependent on him when she falls apart.) So, she puts on a brave face. It's not because she needs to do it alone, but Changmin has a life beyond her and she needs to understand it. 

Daesung isn't one she can rely on too either. She talks to Junho sometimes when Hyoyeon has classes late at night and when he's free to chat with. Sometimes, she thinks that it's useless talking to him, but she tries her best. Because Junho is one of those few friends that she can rely on when she's upset. She rather have a support system of some sort. Even if, Hyoyeon thinks she has a crush on him which makes her cringe in embarrassment. 

Most days, she feels as though she's lonelier than white snow on the ground. It doesn't snow during winter quarter. There isn't a day off from the world or life. She continues to press on and keeps her secrets hidden in the spines of her textbooks. She fakes a smile in her different classes wondering if things will be alright, but she doesn't. 

to; her
from; shim changmin
hey, everything alright?

to; chang the min
from; im yoona
yeah, i'm fine! don't worry about it.

She sends the text so he doesn't have to worry. Her fingers type away at a keyboard that's probably faded with the amount of times she smashed her fingers on it. It isn't anyone's fault that she is so sad like this. It's her fault for believing that things would be better. It is kind of her fault that things are like this. Things are filled to the brim with work, school and pretending to be okay for the whole world to see. When will she disappear into the dust? Her fingers are starting to feel terrible once again. 

It's an accident for Daesung to see her like that. It's one time, really. She comes out of the bathroom with red eyes, a red nose, and dried tears on her cheek. Their eyes meet for just a second. It takes only a damn second for her to lay her head on his shoulders and cry. She's not sure why she's crying anymore. She's not sure why the world is tearing her apart. She's incredibly lonely and she balls up his sweatshirt. He tries to shush her, but the words aren't working and Yoona wants to cry. When did this game seem so hard? 

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks. It's weird, honestly. They're the same few sentences she hears from beginning to end. The voices are always different, but the question is always the same. Yoona wipes away the last of her tears, she smiles that brilliant smile to reassure him that she's not insane. The words that leave are always the first ones that come out during a time like this. 

"No, maybe next time though. I'm fine, thank you," she reassures. It's the fakest thing she says every single time. But she's tired of making up new sentences that make sense. 

"I'm mad at you," Junho says one day after something happens. 

Hyoyeon's mad at her too. 

Yoona cries a lot that week. She cries over the fact that she doesn't know why anyone is mad at her anymore. Daesung becomes her only confidant on campus. The mask is broken. She tries to remember the last time she felt okay, but she can't. Her fingers are numb from emotion. Her brain only works in sections of school. They don't tell her why they're mad at her. Junho gives her the silent treatment every time she comes to the table. 

"What did I do wrong, Daesung?" she cries at the bus stop because school can only distract her for so long. "What did I do wrong?" she questions as she shakes in his embrace. There is nothing pretty about the picture. There is nothing pretty about sitting there, waiting for a bus, and wondering why people leave her. Her figure shakes again and again. For a whole week, she tries to make amends. She tries to message Junho, but he blocks her. She messages Hyoyeon, multiple times, she reads them, but never replies to them. 

"To be honest, I'm kind of annoyed with them too." 

"If I were you, I'd just move on." 

By the end of the week, she stops. It's not because she cares anymore. She still cares a lot. It takes her months to recover, really, but she pulls Daesung close to her during all this. He's the only one who stays when it happened. Yoona stays close to Daesung because he proves that he won't leave. He understands. And in the cruel world, there are not friends who will stay when the rough gets going.

"Thanks for everything," Yoona randomly says when they wait for the bus one day. Daesung gives her a confused look because he doesn't get it.

"What for?" 

"I thought you'd leave too."

"Why would I do that? I'm just doing what a friend would do," he says casually. Daesung has the day off from the library and he's coming over to her house to nap. It's a good day to be happy, she thinks. The sun is up for once, the bus isn't crowded and she smiles. It pains her a little because Hyoyeon still left knife in her. Friends are hard to come by. But the sun is bright and she is missing out. 

"Thanks again."