senior year's summer: lee donghae.

Yoona's eyes skimmed the library, eyes focusing on books to read and occupy once more for a summer of nothing more than lazy suns and dreamlike isolation. Her eyes carefully glazing over words, the laughter still hung in the air when others told her their plans. She only smiled and believed that their bright eyes were glimmering with happiness. A summer before they all disappeared into an adult world, a figment of her own imagination. She paused, her hands lingered on a book that reminded her of what was to be the rest of her. Empty. 

"Um, Yoona?"

Her hands went back to her side and she turned around to see the boy in her Creative Writing class. Not much, really, but she always thought the boy was cuter than anyone she saw in the school. An awkward smile hung on his lips, he ran a finger through his dark hair, staring blankly at the carpeted library floor. 

"Oh, Donghae, hey," she said casually. Her eyes became bright with the glint that she got when she talked to others. There was another awkward silence. The girl knew about him. She knew that he was in love with someone else, Jung Jessica and though it wasn't supposed to hurt, it stung her heart a little. Just because, she was so interested in being his friend, trying to figure out what made him tick, why he looked so lonely in a class that was full of excitement. But they didn't say anything. His pretty eyes met hers and they continued to stare for a few minutes before she was ushered away by Sooyoung to go do something productive than stare blankly at a boy. 

It wasn't something she was used to, he never tried to speak to her, it was always the other way around. She always mustered a few tidbits of courage to say hello to him every day in third period. He just always looked so desolate that she needed to sputter a few words. Even if they didn't mean anything. Donghae was the one who initiated something. It wasn't supposed to happen. A jolt of contentment ran through her veins that moment. 

They met again in the library. Her eyes were still searching for a book that would occupy her time. One last summer before they all disappeared. It was strange to think about, they all went their separate ways. They were bounded to freedom. Yoona was still trying to figure out how to cook and take care of clothes when she was scolded. She was to waste away her life in a house. Her whole figure waiting for something more than the depression that was left in her body when she was alone in a house. 

"Hey Yoona," he said when their eyes met. Yoona smiled once again, a frozen one, why was he talking to her again? Twice, it was the second time he said hello to her in the school year. There was a slight wave from her hands, but they went back to their regular state when he looked directly into her eyes. And at times like these, she was sure that someone would come her way and tell her that this wasn't worth any time or effort. There had to be someone else to sweep her away. It wasn't possible for him to utter more than a few words to her at a time. 

"Is there something you want, Donghae?" she asked with a blank stare. His eyes became focused on her and only her, but she was never the type to enjoy looking into someone else's eyes either. She liked staring at the lips because eye contact was never something she excelled at. His lips were pale and pink and when they opened, it seemed like music was coming out of them. His voice would always command attention. It was something she enjoyed listening to in Creative Writing when their eyes met. 

"We should be friends," he said with a smile. Her eyes left his smile to his eyes. Friendship was natural even if he wanted the world. It wasn't as complicated as he thought it would be. She smoothed out the waves in her dark hair and nodded her head. Though there was nothing she really could want more. She was told by Hyukjae that he was in love with someone with blonde hair who was in his enviromental science class. Her heart broke at the thought of it and without another thought she swallowed the jealousy, pressed a smile onto her face and continued to watch as he wrote his number down. In scrawled handwriting, she could see the tiny numbers that would be the ending to their own story. 

send to: changminnnie
from: im yoona
he gave me his number. um...

send to: im yoona
from: shim changmin
isn't that a good thing?

send to: changminnnie
from: im yoona
i guess. guys don't usually give me their numbers.

send to: im yoona
from: shim changmin
yeah, you usually have to aggressively yank it out of their brains.

send to: changminnie
from: im yoona
thanks changmin, your kindness is always needed.

Sighing, the girl finally pulled out the chicken scratch. 

send to: lee donghae
from: im yoona
is this donghae's number? it's yoona.

It took him twenty-three minutes to reply to her first message. It was still better than Changmin who finally texted her back after several weeks, though it never mattered to him because he wasn't the type to like texting. And he had a liking for late night phone calls. But he would never tell her what he happened in his life and she would never ask because it wasn't her business. It was through a series of emoticons and sweet texts that Donghae invited her to see a movie with him. Others would have died to be in her spot, but she stared blankly at the texts wondering how this boy ever found an interest in someone like her. 

"Hey Yoona."

She spun around to see the boy with the childish grin in front of her with movie tickets already purchased. It was an occurance that wouldn't happen in the future, she concluded, but she smiled softly and tried to yank the tickets out of his hands. He was a bit too tall for her, a bit too quick for her and she failed miserably. It must have been the first time he saw her smile so brightly his way. 

"You should smile more often, it's adorable."

"Oh, maybe I should."

Yoona laughed, following the boy to the concession stand. He asks her questions that make her rack her brain together, and sometimes when she answered, he looked her way and she swore there was some kind of butterflies fluttering in the pit of her stomach. His chocolate eyes bore into hers and there was a seriousness that she couldn't understand. It disappeared the moment she caught him staring with his own dark eyes. He paid for the popcorn, she paid for the drinks. It was not a date. It could never have been a date. 

(They watched some kid movie that repeated the same song throughout the whole movie. And his laugh throughout the whole movie gave her goosebumps. Was this what romance felt like?)

He ran a finger through his shaggy dark hair, looking at her once more and smilinng. Even with that dumb smile, she felt a twinge of happiness and it was like that until he dropped her off at her house. 

"So um, there's something I really want to ask," Donghae started, his fingers fumbling around, his eyes diverting one way than another. And in her span of knowing him, she never saw him so listless, trying to force out words from his lips. Yoona stared blankly on, trying to figure out what to say to someone of his perfection. It was amusing. Her eyes darted from him to the front of her house. "Would you be content with being good friends?"

It was adorable, watching him find words. But then their eyes met, and in the back of her mind, she wanted to be more, a lot more than good friends, she wanted a romance that today was like. A sweet date like this wouldn't hold all her needs, but she smiled and just nodded her head. 

"Of course," Yoona replied sweetly. Her heart started to race and perhaps it was breaking, but young love was never a thing she liked. His eyes became dusty, almost as serious as they were at the movie theaters. And before he could say anything, she waved him away, his voice wasn't working again and  she couldn't stand him trying to get out words. 

send to; im yoona
from; lee donghae
i wanted to say if you were open to being more than friends. im sorry i couldn't say it in person and everything, you saw how i was struggling with what i was saving earlier.

Yoona stared blankly at the text. Her fingers ached to text back with a smile or something, but something dropped the moment he said the few words. If they were starting now, if they were playing the game of romance so early, he would leave and she didn't have time to heal a broken heart. 

send to; lee donghae
from; im yoona
i did see how you failed, but i am okay with being more than friends.

There was something almost wrong about this, she felt the butterflies that made her smile were slowly escaping her stomach. And while she knew that it was expected, she didn't expect him to be so infatuated so early. It made it complicated. It made things a bit too complicated for her. He was looking for love and she was only looking for a fling. 

send to; changminnie
from; im yoona
he has a crush on me.

send to; im yoona
from; changminnie
you've unlocked an achievement.

send to; changminnie
from; im yoona
it better come with cotton candy.

Things became different from that point. He always complimented her, and she always refused to accept the compliments, flinging more and more his way. He was happy, he was excited, she couldn't help but feel there was somethinng almost wrong about this. 

"Why do you like me?" she asked sitting on a bench, eyes focused on the night sky. It was another night of seeing him. It was another day of simplicity, chatting and walking. He would always ask if she wanted more than that, if she wanted something more exciting. But her eyes were always focused on the simplicity. He thought she wanted more than this, more than that., And it was something she couldn't stand. 

"You're energetic, you're pretty..." 

He went on and she couldn't help but wonder if he knew anything about her. She had to wonder if there was anything more than a surface level crush. The butterflies only came when they were physically close. It only happened if their fingers touched and she paused. Infatuated, he was completely infatuated, thinking he knew everything. She droned out his words waiting for it all to end. They didn't kiss. They didn't. She liked it better that way. 

They kissed after he wasn't supposed to be over. The door was open, his first kiss, her fifth kiss. It was there, the passion, the lust, and she felt herself falling to pieces, this wasn't right. This wasn't right, her mind didn't want this, and yet he was kissing her. Kissing her again and again. It wasn't fair. Why did he feel things that she couldn't feel? When he left, her body collapsed and it felt as though someone took her simplicity and exchanged it for something else. His pretty brown eyes couldn't help her escape this nightmare. It wasn't right, it felt vicious as though she was too dirty and she had to clean up. He only watched from a distance, he sat on the side, watching, doing nothing. There was something she wanted to scream. Why didn't he help? Why didn't he do anything? Why was he like this? Why why why? 

"Bye Donghae," she managed to say before he left. The butterflies were replaced with waves of depression.

send to; changminnie
from; im yoona
he kissed me.

send to; im yoona
from; changminnie
isn't that a good thing?

send to; changminnie
from; im yoona
i didn't want it.

send to; im yoona
from; changminnie
it's okay to kiss people. 

send to; changminnie
from; im yoona
changmin, i didn't want it.

send to; im yoona
from; changminnie
it's okay to kiss people. 

send to; changminnie
from; im yoona
i feel weird, this isn't okay. help.

send to; im yoona
from; changminnie
get online. let's chat.

There it was again, the want, the need for him when he wanted something more and she wanted nothing more. It was an immensely strange feeling. There were days when she wanted him, there were other days when she didn't want anything to do with him. He wasn't the Prince Charming she was looking for.

"I want you to be happy."

And there were those words that never made sense because happiness shouldn't have been based on other people and she had her fair share of it. She knew every bit of it. But she bit back her tongue, looked at the pretty face and continued. 

"Is that a facade at school?"

She wanted to scream at him, she wanted to rip out of his lungs and tell him that he needed to stop thinking he knew every bit and inside of her. It was continuing the game of accusation and assumption, she wanted it all to stop. He wanted love. She couldn't give him that, she couldn't give him what he wanted even if she tried. But she only shook her head and shrugged. There were better things to do than listen to his baseless assumptions. 

"You need to clarify because people might think we're dating if we're just hanging out with each other a lot."

She bit her lips. He thought he knew everything. She wanted it all to stop, she needed him to stop talking. He knew nothing, he knew nothing, he knew barely anything and continued to say words that didn't make sense. It would all end soon, his college was going to be somewhere else, not in the same city, not an hour drive, he would be a long way away. She was almost happy at the thought of it, but the dread consumed her. Why was she so unhappy about it? 

"So this is it."

And for once the butterflies came back for this minute and this minute only. One last time with him. They kissed again and again, her fingers latched onto his body, and she wasn't sure why she wanted this so bad. But this was what a proper goodbye felt like, this was what it felt like to have someone else leave with a warning. Her heart broke and the tears came out. Because despite the fact she remembered so much accidental misery from the boy, she still enjoyed the moments he le her escape isolation, desolation. When she knew her whole world would be in the house and the house only, he changed it otherwise.

He helped escape her castle and he wasn't a Prince Charming, but he was close enough. 

"Goodbye Donghae."