I don’t trust myself alone at home, everything is tinged with your presence. Even when I tried to stare at my own bare walls, it reminds me of the pictures we used to have pinned up there of us, smiling so happily. I have forced you to take all your belongings with you as you packed because I know I wouldn’t have the heart to throw it away. Even as my house was completely empty of your belongings, I still remember the bright yellow toothbrush that used to lie beside mine beside the sink. Or your yellow slippers that used to lie around the house, wherever you used it last. Or your yellow mug that was usually beside mine in the mornings, filled with your home brewed coffee. Or anything yellow in particular.

 
I don’t trust myself around friends, for I seem to drag the whole mood of the group down no matter how much fun they are to be around. The sound of their laughter annoys me, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to laugh as freely as before. It seemed that you took my sense of humour as you walked through that door, away from my life.
 
I don’t trust myself alone at day, for memories of us kept following me wherever I go. Wherever I go, I was reminded of us. Every single corner of this city reminds me of us. Every single road, every single corner, every single pavement, every single thing reminded me of you. I tried so hard looking for a place where I wouldn’t have your shadow haunting me, and when I do come across such places, my mind creates moments out of thin air of us being there. It was slowly becoming impossible for me to erase any image of you, and frankly I don’t want to forget you, forget us, forget all those memories we shared so happily together.  
 
But I especially don’t trust myself alone at night, for your image keeps reappearing in my head. It gets especially hard at night, as I have no other distraction to refrain myself from thinking about you, to not let those memories flash over in my eyes like an old movie film, even when I was lying there in pitch dark, your smile always manage to light my whole world up.
 
Then when that happens, I have no choice but to succumb into the images of you adorning my darkest nights, and before I knew it, dawn has greeted me on my front step, and I knew then that sleep would never come to me. I would groggily get out of my bed, clammy with my own body warmth, and stand still in shower, letting icy cold water greeting my senses. And from then on, my body would go on auto-pilot as I went through my day, doing repetitive tasks in the office, going to meetings, and eating bland tasting foods. All that activities seems to breeze past my day without any thoughts.
 
Strangely, it was those images of you that gave me the strength to go through my days, and the long hours in the office seems bearable when I know your presence will eventually come to me at night, even when it is something as ethereal as my own delusions.
 
It was only after the night is pitch dark and midnight is upon me that my conscience is most clear. It is only then that I allow myself to think of you. Because it’s only then your image is clearest in my mind. Only then, would your voice be clearest in my ears, cutting through the ringing silence of the night. Only then, the image of your sparkling eyes would be most enthralling, leaving me so enchanted that time would tick away so quickly. And only then, my heart is most honest, and my words most true.
 
I would never get tired, and I would never stop myself from thinking of you, even if it makes me insomniac, even when it deprives me from my much needed proper rest, even if it is slowly killing me.
 
Because You, Jang Wooyoung, are better than sleep.