The muffled, distant sound of a song was crawling into his head in the middle of his dream, and all the images and voices he would have wanted to keep on watching started to fade away. The beat was digging deeper into his brain, and slowly he started to feel the familiar textures against his skin, recognizing the softness under his head when he started to stir from his slumber.

He didn’t want to wake up yet, but the persistent noise didn’t leave him alone even after a short silence before it started all over again. He felt the vibrating somewhere near his hand that was buried under the pillow, and when his brains started to finally function and the grayish brightness blinked from between his eyelids he finally acknowledged it to be his ringtone. Nonetheless, he wasn’t exactly interested to pick it up, but since the ‘My name is T to the A to the E (to the) Y to the A N G’ (a song Sungmin had set up as his own ringtone on Donghae’s phone) still didn’t seem to stop anytime soon, he blindly started to search for the origin of his misery and managed to grab the damn thing before it would have fallen down to the space between the wall and his bed.

Donghae brought the device lazily on top of his ear when he lied sideways on top of the duvet, leaving it there and letting his hand fall back onto the mattress. He knew who was on the other side of the line, and because the blond had ended his peaceful napping so ruthlessly, Sungmin wasn’t getting any friendlier greeting than an annoyed “What?” from the golden brown haired boy.

“Well aren’t you delighted to talk to me,” Sungmin said from the other side, sounding like he the call was on loudspeaker and the guy was doing something at the same time; and assuming from the metallic sound it was like a fork or a knife was clacking against a plate or something.

“What do you want, Min?” Donghae grumbled voice still hoarse from the remnants of his sleep. “You’re disturbing my napping.”

There was an amused snicker. “Do you need me to sing a new lullaby for you?” he laughed shortly.

The phone fell from Donghae’s ear, and he had to pick it up again by hand to bring it back to his ear.

“No thanks,” he huffed, slowly raising himself onto a sitting position; back now leaned against the cold wall. “So, what’s up?”

Donghae wasn’t really interested on talking, though, or actually not much in anything else interactive either. He just wanted to sleep so he wouldn’t need to think all the time; so he wouldn’t need to feel the regret and anger, or to be reminded about a certain tattooed male and the few gazes they had shared during the past week. He still felt extremely bad about acting so unfairly towards the red head and the few accidental eye-contacts hadn’t helped at all.

He had definitely hurt Hyukjae, or at least offended, although he seemed to cover it pretty well. But what came to Donghae, he was probably the one who couldn’t hide the turmoil going haywire and causing even more chaos inside him.

“—and then— Donghae, are you even listening?”

Why he couldn’t just...stop from being?

Sleep for a week? A month? Few years?

“S-sorry, Min, what did you say?” he stuttered, having no idea what the blond had been talking about.

“Whatever, it wasn’t important,” the other male sighed, “What’s up with you, anyhow? You’ve been... Are you...mad at us for some reason?”

Donghae stiffened, biting his tongue.

“No—it’s just...”

“You’ve been really snappy.”

“I-I’m sorry, I...” He just wanted to disappear. Everything was making him crazy lately. “I didn’t mean to.”

He easily discerned the long exhale from the other side.

“I’ve just been really stressed out,” he said quietly. It wasn’t even far from the truth. “My parents... They’ve been giving me a hard time for the past week because they obviously have some bigger things going on with work and they always happen to launch their tiredness and own stress onto me.  And the photography project... We don’t really get along well with Hyukjae...” The last thing was just a mere whisper, and he hoped it wasn’t really hearable because he didn’t want to talk about it – oh well, actually he did want to, but he didn’t find the courage to talk about his ual identity crisis with Sungmin.

“Oh,” Sungmin started, “I guess I can relate to you because my mom is the CEO of a clothing retail chain and she’s doing the same every time a new seasonal is coming up...” the blond wandered off.

Donghae didn’t know what to say, but it seemed like he was kind of forgiven.

“I know, it ,” Sungmin muttered, “I totally get if it’s getting onto you.”

And with that a sudden wave of discomfort blew over him. Everything had just started to be a bit too much. He had his friends, yes, but he couldn’t find himself relying onto them. His parents were always away, and if they were home they did nothing but released their own frustrations to him; at one moment talking normally to him and then suddenly all hell broke loose when they found something to blame him about. Even one of his favorite teachers had scolded him about his assignment that hadn’t been all that good at all. His mind was constantly somewhere else and he couldn’t really focus on anything. He had horrible bags under his eyes because he couldn’t really sleep at nights, and when he did manage to fall asleep there were just few hours left, and it wasn’t enough even if he did take naps almost every day.

It was all because of Hyukjae.

He had broken down right after the boy with the tattoos had closed the door to his room on that unfortunate day after the dinner with his parents. At least, they hadn’t said much about him (or about anything related) after that.

However, although he had been so angry and mad because of everything Hyukjae had said, he couldn’t deny the fact that he had been right about him. It was just so ing painfully scary to acknowledge the fact that he hadn’t even found any satisfaction from girls for a long time already.

It wasn’t normal – he knew he would be judged if he’d ever confess, for example, to his parents about his uality.

It was the first time when something was actually making him think; making him think about something that wasn’t superficial and easy. Everything had always come to him on a silver plate without needing to move a muscle. He had been made thinking in a certain way.

The unsaid rules he had found so safe and comforting until this point, when everything he had once believed in had started to crumble down in sharp pieces.

Donghae wasn’t sure if he could really take it.

All he wanted was just to be normal again.

If he just could have hated Hyukjae enough to bury these things into the darkest corner inside his head again.

The brunet felt his eyes burning, but he rapidly blinked to get rid of the tears in his eyes before he suddenly had the urge to say something before Sungmin could grasp onto the subject of their project.

“Hey, do you happen to know if Minho is still having the party tonight?”

He wanted to drink all of his worries away.

At least when he was drunk he was able to forget the things at least for a while or until he threw up and sobered up.

“Yeah – he actually just texted if we were going before I called,” the blond said with a hint of realization, “That was the reason I actually called. Obviously I forgot...but I really meant to ask if you were coming since Kyu said he can’t make it tonight. He’s having a date,” he snorted.

“With who?” Donghae asked, eyebrow rising unbelievingly.

“With Starcraft.”

“Oh,” Donghae almost laughed, “That explains.”

“So you coming? I thought we could be there around 8pm.”

Donghae hummed – though he didn’t have the slightest idea what the time was at the moment, so he lifted his phone enough off from his ear to see that it was almost 7pm already.

“Yes,” he huffed, “I just—I’ll take a shower and then I’ll be coming over and then we can continue to Minho’s place?”

“Sounds good.”

He stood up from his bed, going for his wardrobe to pick some more decent clothes that weren’t all wrinkled from sleep. He was about to end the call, but Sungmin still had something to say.

“Oh! Can you bring the Absolut you have?”

“Absolutely.”

Donghae felt the alcohol running through his veins, hot and blistering, when he took the first sip of his beer at Minho’s house. They had destroyed the half of the bottle left of the Absolut at Sungmin’s place, and when they had left they both were already feeling the tipsiness taking over.

The brunet could have almost said that he loved the feeling when the numbness started to spread over his senses, easing his tenseness and like it was helping him to breathe again. The thoughts of the certain boy were easier to forget when the new beer made his mind hazier, and the struggle inside his head almost felt like a mere blur anymore. He found something really comforting in the dark house surrounded with drunken people, away from the things that were making his life so damn hard and difficult to bear with.

He followed the blond through the people, and eventually found himself having fun again with Sungmin and few of his other friends, while at the same time drinking more and more, relaxing to the point he didn’t need to think anymore.

When he started to get more intoxicated by the alcohol, he easily went on with the feelings and didn’t bother when again another girl came to him, asking for his attention and he didn’t budge. It felt so easy and simple, brainless and he didn’t really need to feel or do anything else but smile and let his tongue speak everything that came out. The girl was all over him in no time, and he didn’t mind. She was able to keep his mind steady and occupied on her, as long as she kept his attention on her, letting Donghae's hands wander on her body like it was routine, and his lips attached to her lips or skin, frequently passing out sweet words that kept her captured under his spell.

It was all just act that already came out like it was his real nature.

It was easy, and that was all he wanted at least for the few hours of his life. 

Hyukjae had no idea why he had ever agreed to Heechul’s proposition for him to tag along to Minho’s place that night.

He had never been too fond of this kind of house parties where electric music blasted out from the speakers way too loudly, alcohol flowed like crazy – and because of that people were erratic and talkative – while the heavy scent of smoke lingered on the air when some of them were too lazy to go smoke outside.

But who could actually say no to Heechul?

Hyukjae had followed the cat-eyed guy to the party, but as usual, the older had soon found himself someone to entertain him. At least, Heechul stayed by the red head’s side for some time while at the same time he kept flirting with this Chinese guy. It was almost funny, to be honest. Everyone just loved Heechul despite his awfully snarky attitude, not caring a bit if people saw him either with girl or a guy. Even when you thought you hated him, you still probably loved him. It was the same with everyone, and Hyukjae couldn’t say anything against those facts. He felt the same; sometimes his friend from the upper class drove him crazy, yet the guy was someone he could actually rely on. He was one of the rare people he really considered as his friend.

“Hey, Hyuk, take a shot,” Heechul snickered, handing him a snapshot of something that probably tasted like , yet he couldn’t find himself saying against it either. He shrugged, taking the class with dark liquid inside, letting the questioning flee off his mind when he drank it away all at once. The bitter taste burned his throat, but he only gritted his teeth until he felt the warm sensation down on his stomach while the long haired guy smirked to him, pleased.

“Good boy,” he laughed with his weird yet enticing sound, patting Hyukjae’s shoulder like a proud big brother who got the younger to do something naughty. “Wasn’t that bad, wasn’t it?”

“Who wouldn’t love to drink ,” he grimaced, placing the glass back on the huge and wide kitchen island.

He looked over his friend who still had the Chinese guy beside him, drinking quietly something Hyukjae couldn’t label at the moment. He noticed that the elder had caught something with his hawk-like-cat-eyes and he followed his gaze to the opposite side of the room, where his dark orbs halted on a familiar figure sitting on a big leather couch with a petite girl straddled over his lap.

“Isn’t that the I-am-not-gay-guy?” Heechul muttered, raising his thick eyebrows knowingly.

Hyukjae only sighed, rolling his eyes when Donghae’s lips kept the poor girl’s neck, hands circled around her slim waist.

He didn’t say anything, yet he took the beer Heechul was handing to him without a sign of refuse.

“Let’s go sit on the table over there,” the elder suggested, and Hyukjae knew why. The long, high bar table with tall bar stools was closer to the living room and the couch Donghae also was, and he didn’t need to be genius to realize that Heechul wanted to observe the guy Hyukjae had been talking about when he had been most upset about the whole thing.

Hyukjae brushed his red strands a bit uncomfortably, sitting next to his friend who didn’t care if he was simply and noticeably staring over Donghae’s way. He tried not to be as unsubtle as Heechul, but he couldn’t help it when his eyes wandered to the golden brown haired guy who now had a black, quite tight v-neck t-shirt and denim jeans that followed his nicely toned calves and thighs.

“Quite handsome, I gotta say, though I can clearly see the word gay stamped all over him,” Heechul muttered, crunching the ice cube he had inside his mouth. “I can totally understand why’ve taken interest on him.”

“I’m not—“

“Keep telling yourself that, baby-face,” the elder smirked again, “You don’t usually let s into your head wandering like this, Hyuk. Come on Geng, let’s dance a bit, shall we?” Soon Heechul disappeared into the crowd and bass, leaving the youngest of the three there alone.

Hyukjae kept sipping his drink and watching over Donghae, who, for the first glances almost seemed to be into the girl as much as she was into him, but in the end it was pretty clear that the brunet wasn’t actually excited about her. Donghae mostly seemed to let the girl do whatever the hell she wanted, even grind herself onto him, what made Hyukjae grimace again.

For a while he just watched, tapping his fingers against the table along with the deep beat, until he realized that Donghae had noticed him — and was now looking back at him. The expression over his face suddenly hardened, then suddenly kissing the girl hungrily. The girl was only delighted by that, and dug her fingers through the brunet’s faux mohawk–styled hair, probably giggling against the thin lips at the same time.

He wasn’t sure what Donghae was really trying to accomplish with the heavy making out when he seemed to be more than bored of it.

Hyukjae almost laughed at the stupidity of the whole situation, not wanting to acknowledge the stinging feeling down on his chest when he kept staring. He didn’t care if Donghae saw, because that was what he wanted; he wanted to make him feel uncomfortable by his piercing stare, and eyes that accused and dared Donghae to try harder, because his act wasn’t convincing a bit.

Eventually he ran out of his beer, and Donghae had started to seem frustrated. And it was enough for Hyukjae. He wanted to provoke him again, whatever that even meant. He knew had some sort of an effect in the brunet, and with the alcohol overpowering his common sense, he probably wouldn’t leave it at that.

He wanted him to stop faking it, when he could see straight through him.

Prove it.

Liar.

His last glance was long and fierce, until he finally stood up before he wholly disappeared. Maybe he needed to calm his own hazy mind too, because the alcohol didn’t leave him woundless either.

He wasn’t sure why, but he almost hoped that Donghae would get angry at him.

Donghae knew he was drunk, and that the alcohol was highly affecting his reasoning at this point in the night, but he couldn’t help but feel sort of furious after the look in Hyukjae’s eyes just few minutes ago.

He knew that it was also something else boiling inside of him too, but that wasn’t really something he wanted to acknowledge.

All the emotions were already overwhelming him to the breaking point when he couldn’t really stop himself anymore from abruptly rushing up from the leather couch, and hastily lying something about going to the toilet. He wasn’t really sure what he was trying to achieve by searching for Hyukjae, but he simply couldn’t get rid of the boy’s eyes that were obviously trying to do the same thing as when they had argued at his house.

He could almost hear Hyukjae’s voice inside his head, whispering huskily beside his ear.

Liar.

The uncomfortable fluttering inside his stomach wasn’t really helping either, when the alcohol was clearly messing around with him and Hyukjae was making him frustrated in so many different levels.

At the same time when he wanted to keep telling himself how much he wanted to hate him, he wasn’t capable of ignoring the longing towards the tattooed guy. It was impossible to try not to think that the black, slim jeans, and the white collared shirt with its sleeves rolled up and with his red hair styled a bit messily weren’t making Hyukjae look so ing gorgeous. But he couldn’t let those thoughts win; he had to keep on despising him. He was already so close to the edge that he was ready to do anything to keep himself on the right side. He couldn’t bear with the constant fear of falling even harder when there probably wasn’t anyone to catch him from hurting himself.

Donghae was already feeling slightly dizzy from getting up so fast and then marching through the mass of drunken students, whilst the thick air was filled with the flavors of smoke, sweat and different types of alcoholic drinks. His eyesight felt blurry from the darkness and the few blinking red and blue lights that had been set up on the ceiling. And for his liking—and especially patience—Minho’s place was also way too big and there was too much space to look around so he could actually find the one person he was looking for.

He just wanted to find him to...to do what exactly? Why was he after him when he should have kept his distance to most favorably just forget him? Donghae shook his head and brushed his hair away before grabbing a can of beer on his way. He had started to get irritated and tired from looking around, so he decided to go to the bathroom anyway. Maybe his head would actually clear a bit after that.

The long hallway was dark, but the music was loud there too and he almost stumbled on few drunken girls on the way. He turned right, to realize that the toilet was actually like a lavatory from any kind of club with two separated rooms for both men and women along the hallway. His head was hurting when he leaned against the wall to wait for his turn, yet he took a sip from the beer anyway. He closed his eyes for a second, but then he heard the sound of the door opening and he opened his eyes, ready to go on. However, Donghae’s breath hitched when he grabbed on the side of the half-opened door at the same time when his shoulder stumbled against the another one.

He was already on pins and needles with his temperament, to a point he might easily start an argument with a stranger too, but the guy he managed to shove was actually the one he had been looking for from the beginning.

The almond eyes glanced at Dognhae, and it seemed like he had been about to apologize until he recognized who he had crashed on. The look in Hyukjae’s dark eyes was unreadable, but Donghae didn’t know what to say when he was finally face to face with the slightly taller boy. But in the end the anger hastily took over his dazed mind and he found himself snarling hatefully towards the red head.

“What part you didn’t understand when I clearly told you to ‘ off’?”

Hyukjae frowned, soon grasping on the act that had once again taken over his project partner. He huffed in annoyance, glaring at Donghae who was probably drunker than he was. The loud music echoed into his ears, and from his peripheral vision he saw a girl coming out from the other bathroom. He wouldn’t have thought that he’d actually run to Donghae here in the hallway, although it would have been more like an exception if he wouldn’t meet him face to face at least once since he had been the one to provoke him anyway.

“I’m pretty sure I have the freedom to go here as I please,” Hyukjae retorted soon, clicking his tongue. “You seem still to be the same old , though.” His eyes were narrowing and slowly getting darker. Nevertheless, he found himself looking Donghae up and down again, although he tried to hide it under his irritated expression.

 Donghae was biting his lip, already tasting the bitter iron inside his mouth when Hyukjae started to turn his back on him.

Even Hyukjae wasn’t thinking so clearly anymore, when Donghae’s general gist was already breaking through his calm. Hyukjae couldn’t stop himself from letting out words that would obviously only provoke the other to no end.

“You’re still the same. An . A coward.”

The anger fired up inside Donghae, and he snapped. He leaped to grab from the red head’s shoulder that had already started to distance from him, and violently shoved him against the wall and took a hard grip from the front of his shirt.

Hyukjae closed his eyes when his head met with the wall. The air partly blew out from his lungs.

“What the hell is wrong with you? Stop talking about me!” Donghae snarled.

Donghae was clearly outraged from Hyukjae’s words; like he had assumed to happen. But the red head only snorted at him, tilting his head to the side and glancing Donghae from under his eyebrows almost in the same way, daringly, like he did a week ago.

“Me?”

“Yes, you!” the brunet hissed, “You don’t have the right to keep saying those things about me. .”

Hyukjae gritted his teeth. He hated it when the matter of someone’s uality was used as a name-calling and verbal abuse—although he had learned to ignore those kinds of things—but especially now, from Donghae’s mouth, it made him mad. He was a bit tipsy himself and the alcohol at least didn’t lessen the blaze of his own temperament at all.

Donghae was strong, but in their drunken state Hyukjae managed to push him against the opposite wall.

“If you can use that word against me, shouldn’t I be free to use it on you too, huh?”

“You ing—“

“? You’re a ing coward to use that on me!”

“Shut up and off!” Donghae tried to push the red head off from him, but at the moment the all alcohol he had taken was making him powerless. He wasn’t strong enough to push him all the way further, yet his fingers tightened their grip on Hyukjae’s shirt desperately.

“Then why did you cry when I asked you? Why did you look at me like that then? Do you think I don’t know what it’s like?” Hyukjae growled quietly in a way so no one would hear. He actually would have just preferred to talk with Donghae, but the brunet wasn’t making it very easy for him.

“Shut the up! You don’t know a —you don’t know what it’s like! You don’t know what it’s like to be me! You don’t know!” Donghae’s words had started to slur when his mood was taking a full turnabout from anger to frustration. “I ing want to hate you!  I hate everything about myself already! Do you get it? Do you! So why can’t you just disappear? Why can’t you believe me and off!”

The tattooed one was a bit taken aback from the outburst and the sudden turn on Donghae’s mood. He wasn’t simply despising Hyukjae anymore; he was clearly telling him that he had been right from the start. Although Donghae was almost confessing the matter he had been so sure about, he was still pretty much in denial, and Donghae was being unfair about it all. The brunet didn’t know how many times Hyukjae had cried alone, bottling up his tears after hearing all kinds of sick words coming even from the people he loved. He didn’t know many times he had been hurt to the gut, or how many times he had been the eyesore for people to pick on. He didn’t know how hard it had been for him; how much he had hated himself as much as Donghae was now, and how many times he had asked for forgiveness for his parents, and how much he had wanted to die at certain point in his life.

Hyukjae was speechless—yet he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. He didn’t realize how hard he shook the brunet against the wall, and how the slightly shorter boy’s eyes watered by that when he spat; “You don’t know what I’ve been through either, bastard!”

Angered by the pain, Donghae bit his tongue, and with that his fist rose up and he tried to hit the read head straight to the face. But his moves were too slow and lousy, and Hyukjae managed to dodge the blow fast enough.

The more drunken one of them was nearly raging because of that. He felt so weak in front of Hyukjae’s judging eyes, and he only knew the low way to defend himself.

“I’m not a ing like you! I’m not gay, I’m not! You’re the disgusting piece of human ! Get your dirty hands off—,” he growled deep from his throat, almost managing to kick Hyukjae’s lower stomach and push him off, but the red head was much clearer from his head than him. Hyukjae was tired of fighting like this, so he hastily picked someone’s forgotten glass of beer, and without another thought poured it over Donghae’s head.

It was a miracle that the music was so loud, and people too drunk from stumbling in the middle of their fight.

The golden liquid drained along Donghae’s short hair; over his face, soaking his black shirt, and leaving the distinct smell lingering on his skin, when he stared, flabbergasted, back at the male with the empty beer mug on his hand. He looked literally confused, and almost like someone had managed to wake him up from his dazed and brainless state; yet his mind was still just incoherent blur when Hyukjae was staring back at him, almost panting from his own anger. However, the single-lidded eyes looked at him differently. Donghae wasn’t sure if the other was actually looking relieved, or if his confusion was making the other feel accomplished.

Donghae absent-mindedly brushed his hand through his damp hair, glancing to the other who could have just tamed the wild animal he was. But the changed expression on his face was now making it really hard to breathe, and the brunet’s senses picked on to the fact how close they were. How he could honestly feel Hyukjae's hot breath tickling his beer-drenched lips, and how he suddenly forgot all the things he had just said to him, and how he was instinctively pulling Hyukjae closer by the front of his white button-up shirt.

How much he wanted him despite everything he had done.

When the taller noticed how Donghae was staring back at him with such flaming in his darkened brown eyes, he felt how his own breathing got slightly harder and his insides were turning upside down, leaving him hanging with the nervous fluttering when his own gaze wandered to the thin, wet lips that would more than likely taste like beer.

The brunet couldn’t get his eyes off from the slightly swollen and reddish lips of Hyukjae's, who had most likely been biting them during their fight.

His brains were wholly intoxicated by Hyukjae’s close proximity, and when his eyes met the latter’s unreadable ones, he wasn’t really aware that he was actually leaning and pulling the red head closer. They were already so close that their noses were almost brushing and he felt the hot breath on his lips when he suddenly caught someone calling his name in the distance, and his whole posture went rigid again.

“Goddammit, Donghae! Where the are youuu—?”

Sungmin’s slurring voice boomed inside his head, and with wide eyes he pushed Hyukjae further away from him; like he was literally wakened up from a thick spell.

“G-get o-off!” he hastily stuttered, before stumbling backwards away from the boy, who was now a bit awkwardly leaning against the wall he had been pushed against. Looking back at him almost as baffled as Donghae was before the brunet ran away from his sight.

...what the hell just happened?