chapter 4
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The city lights below had never looked as tempting as in the dark and bleak night of Seoul where all the noises of traffic and bustling city where drowning everything else inside for no one else to find.

All of the lights, his only friends and escape route when the wind blew hard and icy; causing his hands to get cold and stiff even tucked into his pockets in the November chill that would make others run for shelter and warmth, leaving him alone with his mind in the night.

Was he the only one to find it soothing...? Could there be anyone else out there to understand the way the shadows calmed him down, helping him to forget all the things he was trying to run away from? How the low, gray clouds over the sky gave out the feeling one could almost touch them if he’d try?

How would it feel like to jump? Would the feeling of falling make his mind go blank? Would he be able to forget all the painful memories? Would it finally shut his storming heart, or leave him hanging in the darkness?

Would anyone hear? Would anyone see?

Could there be someone calling him back...?

When he stood at the rooftop that night he easily remembered the time few years back when everything had been so different. He had been trying to find the answers, yet he had only realized that it had never been about the answers. It had always been about the things he had inside his own head.

Although it was winter already, he wasn’t surprised when the first drop of rain fell down after the dark clouds over the sky had slowly gathered over the city, and soon thousands of other heavy droplets followed it with the light drumming sound hitting against the rooftops. He went closer against the railing, palms grabbing around the metal and slightly leaning over it because it felt like his body was wrapped in rope that was slowly tightening around him. Cold shivers ran along his skin when the same wind brushed through his clothes when he watched the sea of lights he couldn’t almost believe how palpably all the emotions from two years ago hit him once again.

He had been so broken. He had been young and all alone. Fighting with, because, and for himself. He had been lost, abandoned and discriminated because of who he was; who he was brave enough to be. But he had gone through it all. He knew he was strong. He didn’t need to feel like this, but the memories came rushing back, scraping all the old scars wide open. He wasn’t the same person he had once been, but the insecure young boy still lived within him; reminding him of the fragility of a human being.

Hyukjae’s black orbs gazed over the familiar city, trying to steady his breath. It had been a while since the last time he had really broken down.

At first in his eyes was the shade of anger, but it didn’t take long before he let his eyelids fall down and the frustrated tears escaped through his eyelids, blending in with the cold rain.

He had never been one to surrender without a fight. He had always, always, stood up for himself; against the people who couldn’t see behind the stereotype tag, and against his own family, his own parents who had been too proud to let go off the status to understand their own sown; enough afraid of diversity to disown him. At least, there had been two people who had never left by his side; his sister and grandmother, who became his shelter when his mother and father had kicked him out for good. At least eventually, few more people had come, and stayed.

Yet all those hardships had been the thing that had made him strong. He was able to accept himself as he was, and he didn’t need to be anything else to please others either. He had understood very well the matter of being honest to your own self. He had wanted to live his life free; nevertheless if he had to sacrifice half of his family for the sake of his own happiness.

People had looked down on him, said bad things about him, and left him. But Hyukjae had decided to go with it, because he didn’t need people around him who’d only bring him down.

Hyukjae had been able to go on by his own even till now – like a wolf that had been also inked onto his skin. Wolves were strong, courageous and they lived by their own fate. And when he had been at his worst, it had always given him strength to remind himself about that.

Despite the fact that he was strong by his own, even the strongest ones needed at least someone to rely on. That had always been the nagging thought of ‘what if’ inside his head, actually giving him the faith to keep on going; that maybe he wouldn’t need to be all on his own forever. Maybe there could be someone who could understand; someone who he could trust and who could look at him with eyes that could see through him. Someone he wouldn’t need to always talk with to feel content; someone who would challenge him, but also lift him higher, and someone who would just be there when he needed it the most.

However, Hyukjae had been on the edge of giving up on himself few times when things had gone rough and hard to endure, when it had felt like there had been no one to share the pain with. He almost hadn’t given himself the chance; he had almost quit the game of his own two years back, but yet, he was still there, breathing, and slowly going forward. Even when it had been the hardest, he hadn’t stopped dreaming for better.

And now there was Donghae.

He hadn’t thought that there could be something to bring him lower at this point anymore. But somehow the golden brown haired guy had managed to get under his skin; shaking up his world again and reminding him about the harsh fact that not everyone was the same as he was. Donghae was going through the exact same issues he had battled with too. But Donghae wasn’t him. Donghae was way more sensitive to the opinions of others. He had probably always lived in the bubble built by his parents and people around him, and when it seemed to be the time, it wasn’t so easy to break through it anymore.

If he had to be honest, he really wasn’t a mind-reader. He couldn’t possibly get into anyone’s head if he wasn’t accepted to come in. He also knew he had acted harsh, but Donghae seemed like a guy who wouldn’t do anything if not being pushed with a little force towards the other way.

What Hyukjae wanted was to make the idiot understand—

What exactly he wanted him to understand, after all...? Why he wanted so much to be able to make a difference?

He wasn’t even sure if he was hurt or not by all the rude words Donghae had said, although he easily acknowledged the oppressing clench inside his chest when he thought about the whole matter. Donghae didn’t really mean much to him, but why the fight was still constantly bugging his mind like this? Why was such a jerk leaving such a big impact in him? Donghae was definitely an idiot, and he didn’t like him very much as he was now, but still, even though he didn’t know why, he kind of hoped there could have been something else beneath all his lies. He had thought that maybe – just maybe – there could have been someone worthwhile to get to know to. But obviously, Donghae didn’t even want to try and give Hyukjae a chance to understand – or to himself any more than that.

Donghae didn’t want anyone to break the shell around him that provided him some sense of safety. He was obviously so afraid to be different that he was ready to shut everything dreadful out of his life – probably shutting out everything that could have been something worthwhile in the end too.

The rain had already drenched the red head’s hair when he lifted his gaze towards the nightly sky. Biting his lips in an attempt to make his own mind shut even for a minute, he let go of the now freezing cold metal and turned his back to the city, ignoring the shivers running through his lean body when a flash of the tears running the brunet’s face fled through his mind, reminding him of the heavy feeling down on his stomach ever since he closed the certain door behind his back.

“He’d better be at home since I’ve come all the way here in that goddamn downpour,” she muttered under her breath when the lock finally made the noise of opening against the key inside. She pulled the door open with little difficulties when her hands were practically full from the two big bags full of food from the grocery store.

(Sora knew his brother was the laziest when it came to feeding himself, and she wouldn’t get too surprised anymore if the only thing in his fridge would be its light.)

She waltzed deeper into the apartment that officially belonged to their grandmother, who’d let his grandson live there after the few unfortunate events in the past. Their grandmother was still living in the individual apartment downstairs though – which was a good thing because she wouldn’t have wanted his brother to live without anyone looking after him once in a while. She would have even insisted on living with him herself if she wouldn’t have had such a busy job or her boyfriend already living under the same room with her.

Maybe she was a bit overprotective, but it was only because she knew how much he had gone through along the years – and he didn’t deserve any more of that if it was up to her.

With a weary huff Sora placed the bags on the floor for a minute to put on the light and to take off her high heels (which she now regretted putting on in the first place because they were very well soaked thoroughly at this point). She took a look at herself from the full-body length mirror, scowling at the sight and deciding to ignore the worn-out essence, taking a note of the asive silence that seemed to be all over the house. She furrowed her eyebrows, trying to catch any kind of sound but could only grasp on the distant drumming against the windows since it was still raining.

“Hello?” she tried, but not getting any kind of answer. However, she could see a glimpse of the warm kitchen light gleaming from the other side of the apartment, and she knew he would not leave a light on if he would have gone somewhere being the OCD-kid he sometimes tended to be.

“Hyukjae? Lil bro? Du-uude? Monkey! Hey come on, answer me! It’s your sister, moron!”

Still no answer.

Sora sighed, thinking that it would be Hyukjae’s own fault if she would be interrupting anything since he obviously didn’t bother to say a word back at her.

“All the things I do for you...” she grumbled, taking the heavy bags with her and strolling through the hallway towards the said kitchen to unload all the food from the wet bags. On her way she didn’t really catch anything suspicious beside the fact that the apartment was literally empty, although she couldn’t really see to the living room back from there. She proceeded to lift the other bag on top of the counter, and opened the fridge to confirm the fact that it was most likely empty – and she wasn’t even much wrong when there was only a half-eaten takeaway box and a can of Coke left.

While rolling her eyes, she started to fill the fridge one by one, leaving only the ingredients for some ramyun on the top counter for her to cook a bit later.

After ten minutes when Sora had gotten the kettle on the stove boiling and spreading the delicious scent all over the apartment, she nodded proudly to herself for being such a perfect sister, only to go finally search for his brother. And even if she hadn’t heard a thing, her instincts told her Hyukjae was most likely there too, nonetheless how quietly he managed to be present. Besides, the apartment was quite big for a guy to live alone with the two separate bedrooms, living room and a small kitchen, so it wasn’t such a difficult thing to lose a kid like him in there.

She strolled through the apartment's short hallway, peeking into one of the rooms that was also empty, and which was mostly used as storage or a quest room if ever needed. With a slightly worried sigh she leaned against the doorjamb for a minute, until Sora continued her way through the old house with the creaking wood flooring which she usually wouldn’t have liked if it wasn’t for his brother’s apartment.

There was something very Hyukjae-like in the whole apartment with its high ceilings, old yet beautiful windows with his own creative touch showing everywhere upon the original essence that also reminded her about their grandmother who clearly had some similarities with the youngest of their family. They were both free souls, independent and strong, yet still probably the sweetest persons she had ever known in her whole life. Hyukjae had obviously inherited quite a bit of her personality, which she was very thankful for compared to the rest of their family who she didn’t like that much at all.

When the spacious living room with its three tall yet narrow windows appeared into her gaze, she immediately felt relieved when he recognized the mop of flame red hair and the tattoos discernible on his exposed neck when the other side of his head was leant against the steamy window. She took a good look of the slim figure sitting on the windowsill with his legs bend close to his stomach, eyes partly closed while he held something on his lap, which she a second later realized to be a camera. And the reason why he most likely hadn’t noticed anything happening around was the fact that Hyukjae had the red earbuds tucked into his ears, and if she focused to listen very closely on it she could really hear some sounds streaming in her ears.

She bit her lip, almost shaking her head in amusement, yet the expression over his brother’s face made her eyebrows furrow lower.

The raindrops falling against the steamed glass with the neon lights blinking through it in blur had something very similar to Hyukjae’s overall gist at the moment. He seemed to be lost in thought, mind working on something she couldn’t understand thoroughly, although everything in him reminded Sora of the time which she so much wanted to erase from his brother’s memory even though how well Hyukjae had been doing these days. With a painful tug of her heart, she went to the opposite side of the room, damp socks meeting with the red ornamental carpet that gave her a cozy feeling. The arm chair placed next to the window tempted her, but in her concern she stopped beside her brother; crouching a bit lower to meet the boy’s dark eyes if he would ever even notice her.

She was already about to call his name, but with her lips tad parted she ended up examining the younger for a bit longer – and she was truthfully taken aback when the redness in his single-lidded eyes was so noticeable, and how his lips looked swollen like he would have been unconsciously biting them for a long while. He seemed tired and mentally exhausted; like there had been something bugging him for a while already yet he hadn’t been able to let anything out.

“Hyukjae...?” Her voice was noticeably softer, hoping that she wouldn’t scare the boy with her not-so-sudden appearance in his apartment. When his body stiffened and eyes darted downwards like a little boy being upset, holding onto something to prevent any tears from falling, Sora knew Hyukjae was very aware of her being there with him.

Sora had to bite her own lips very hard to remain her role as the tough and arrogant sister she was because seeing her dearest and only sibling on the verge of his own tears was about to make her cry too. “Oh, sweetheart...” she whispered before she launched her arms around the slim body to embrace him tightly, only to immediately feel his forehead on the crook of her neck, searching for some much needed comfort.

Hyukjae tightened his grip around the young female, swallowing all the tears he was able to. He didn’t want to cry when he wasn’t even sure what he was crying for. Few warmer minutes passed by until the red head was able to let go of his sister, and while pulling away he sniffled and hastily tried to wipe away the wetness from his cheeks. He wasn’t a person to cry a lot, and he didn’t like to cry in front of other people. His sister was an exception, but even then he felt slightly uncomfortable and vulnerable when he let his rare tears out. The boy wiped his nose on the sleeve of his hoodie, trying to make himself feel a bit more decent although he knew he would have to open up about the reason behind his tears.

She sat down on the windowsill next to him, drowning her slim fingers into Hyukjae’s thick strands of hair when she knew it would help him relax. The gesture had remained from the time the young male had really needed the support more than anything. Tonight it didn’t seem to be as bad, but noticeable enough for Sora to start worrying.

“Hey now... Tell me; what’s going on?” she started, frowning when she locked eyes with Hyukjae’s, who gazed back until he sighed heavily and turned his gaze away.

“It’s...nothing...”

“Don’t you dare lie to me, Lee Hyukjae,” Sora growled and pinched the earlobe of his younger brother, causing him to yelp in surprise. Although she was slightly teasing, she was also very, very serious. The young woman with chestnut brown long hair and usually lively dark eyes wouldn’t let the boy slide from things like this.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you this down, Hyuk.”

He bit his plump and swollen lower lip, glancing through the window. The rain had slightly subsided, but the day had already turned dark; welcoming the velvety night in when the clouds had yielded away with the smooth blow of the wind.

“I just...” he started; uncertain, and trying to rewrite all the words on top of his tongue. “I was kinda reminded about my fight with our parents because...of a guy I was supposed to work a project with. We didn’t get along very well even from the start... Maybe it was my own fault,” he exhaled warily, “because I might have...accused him a bit. His parents asked me to stay for dinner although it was pretty clear that they didn't accept me, and at some point his father started talking about an article where a gay swimmer came out, judging him and I opposed him, but Donghae forced me back into his room and he was... Pissed. It evolved into a fight...an argument...I don’t even know to be honest, but he was pretty clear he didn’t want anything to do with a disgusting like me.”

Her eyes darkened in anger immediately, but Hyukjae managed to continue before she would start accusing anyone about anything; “But now I’m thinking...if he wasn’t actually saying those words to me...“

“What do you mean—“

“...but himself.”

“Huh?” Sora huffed, eyes narrowing in bewilderment. “So... You’re saying...he’d be gay too?” she asked, ruffling her own hair and trying to get all her thoughts in logical order (though that Donghae-guy seemed more like a lunatic to her at the moment).

“I’m not saying it’s a proven fact but he—in his eyes... He was...pleading... He was acting like a trapped animal being threatened for his life.” Hyukjae buried his face against his palms, closing his eyes quite forcefully before continuing; “His parents were so alike to ours, Sora... You know what it was like,” Hyukjae hissed in annoyance, deep in his thoughts because he had been thinking about all the things surrounding the matter for few long days already and the words just seemed to flood through his lips without any barriers left.

“Of course...”

“And although he acted like a brainless jerk I don’t... I...” he bit his lip, and the female beside him raised her eyebrow questioningly.

“I’d like to hate him too. But I can’t.”

There was a longer silence between the siblings; the older one trying to digest in the information she’d gotten to know to and the younger now re-living his past inside his head.

He remembered all the lies, faking and hiding, and also the fear of coming out; the fear especially after coming out when he hadn’t expected such a vicious reception from his own parents.

All the yelling, fighting – even physical violence towards him from his own parents who had decided to entirely disown, and not long after; throw out their son in the tender age of seventeen, when everything had been already difficult to deal to begin with. He had tried to forget, but the pain from being such a failure had never really left him entirely. He might have gotten stronger every day, yet it still hurt as much as in the beginning of it all.

Yet he didn’t know why, but he couldn’t get the image of crying Donghae out of his mind. All the emotions about him have started to get so messed up when feelings like anger, concern and some sort of regret were badly eating him inside, not making any sense.

Sora observed her little brother for a minute, taking a note of the expressions flashing through his eyes. When he started to bite his lips again, Sora pursed her own lips and leaned her cheek against her palm when a little lopsided smile was tugging on the corner of her lips.

“Donghae huh...?”

The red head swung his eyes to the other quite similar ones, frowning when he couldn’t quite catch his sister’s train of thoughts.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

She quietly took the camera from the windowsill under them, opening it and catching a glimpse of Hyukjae turning his look away again. Sora opened the camera’s gallery when there was no protesting against it.

The first picture she was able to see was the one with the golden brown haired boy looking cautiously towards the camera from the corner of his eyes, but the second snapshot was obviously taken when he hadn’t been aware of being photographed, when he was calmly looking out the window with the last rays of evening sun highlighting his smooth features and hazel colored eyes with a pinch of melancholy in those eyes.

Sora had to admit that the photo was a beautifully showing that kind of side of the guy even when she didn’t know a thing about him; but in the exact moment the boy gave her a feeling that there were no shields over him. She could sense the sincerity and vulnerability all the way through the little digital screen, and she wasn’t surprised why Hyukjae had found similarities to his own self from Donghae.

She would never forget the frequent look in Hyukjae’s eyes when he was planning on telling their parents about his uality two years ago.

Hyukjae was staring to the floor when the camera was put down again, not daring to look towards the young woman because he knew how annoying she could be when she wanted.

“Were those related to your project?” she asked with a little teasing smile lingering upon her lips. “The guy in the photos; it’s him, right?”

“Mm,” the younger hummed, scratching his cheek which felt slightly warmer just because she was clarifying the thing as it was.

Sora tilted her head, thoughtful.

“You said he’s a real though?”

Hyukjae clicked his tongue. “Well, he seems to despise me greatly.”

“But he might actually like you, though.”

Hyukjae snorted, rolling his eyes in utter disbelief.

“Are you kidding me? He looked like he was about to punch me because I wanted him to admit that he might actually like guys.”

“Your hard-headedness will definitely get you in trouble big time someday, dear brother,” Sora mumbled, “But I’ll rip his balls off and hang him up to the flagpole if he dares to hurt you again.”

He groaned when his sister opened again.

“Though, the line between love and hate can sometimes be very thin. He might punch you when he actually thinks about kissing you.”

“Shut up.”

When he stepped out on the college’s ground after a two hour lecture to catch a breath of fresh air, he felt a cold wetness fall on top of his nose. He hadn’t even noticed, but it had started to snow during the classes, and now the white cold cotton had started to gather on top of the soil, brightening up the world even when the sun wasn’t shining and the sky remained gray.

He had tried to focus and occupy his mind with drawing, listening to music or anything that usually took his attention away from the thoughts that were following him like shadows, frightening him every time when he least expected it.

Even as much as he wanted, Donghae always came back into his mind, messing around with his brain and leaving him speechless. He had kept thinking if he could have been wrong about him, but every time he thought about it, he remembered the expression clearly like ice which was constantly making him slip on his feet.

They hadn’t said a word to each other after the incident, and Donghae probably wasn’t going to be the first one to contact him again – and to be honest, Hyukjae was pretty sure that the guy would immediately chase him away if he would try it himself.

He took a deep breath of the chilly air, enjoying it when he knew it probably wouldn’t stay for long. The coldness was already grasping on the tips of his ears and fingers, and he ducked his hands into his jacket’s pockets at the same moment he was about to start walking towards the gates, when he suddenly heard a loud ‘Oof!’ and a loud laugh not too far away from where he stood. He wouldn’t have cared if it hadn’t been somehow sounding familiar, and he cautiously turned to look over the yard.

There were quite punch of people leaving the school, or just taking a break before the next lesson, but his gaze almost immediately found the origin of the voice.

Closer to the parking lot, almost opposite to where Hyukjae was, he saw Sungmin wiping snow off from his face, which obviously had been caused by Donghae whose booming laugh easily revealed him to be the culprit. The boy was already twiddling a new ball of snow on his palms, just waiting for the perfect moment to attack his friend again. Hyukjae couldn’t get clearly all the words the blonde male said to Donghae, but the tattooed one was pretty sure that it had been a lot about profanities.

It didn’t take long for Donghae to get his own part of the slushy snow, when his neck had taken a hit of Sungmin’s snowball.

The red head felt a weird fluttering inside his stomach when he couldn’t pull his stare off from Donghae’s wide, toothy and mischievous grin when he dodged the next hurl and ran away from his friend, hastily rolling the snowballs of his own. There was something really different on his eyes when he didn’t seem to be thinking about anything and just went with the moment and had fun with his friend without all the worries weighing down on his shoulders.

Hyukjae was now able to see a glimpse of the guy which had stayed hidden every time he had been around him,

He bit his lip and darted his eyes down to his sneakers, sighing, before he started walking towards the gates. It made him uneasy how he suddenly remembered one of the times when few guys back in high school had acted a bit similarly how the brunet now acted towards Hyukjae.

Without even noticing he was already glancing behind his back, and when his eyes found Donghae, he was surprised when their gazes actually met.

The eye contact was brief, but he still had enough time to catch the dark shades of pain and regret, and it made him doubt if Donghae really hated him so much after all.

thanks for reading!