chapter one.
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There wasn’t supposed to be anything exceptional about college, he knew that much.

You were there to get a degree, for maybe getting an average job after that; you were there to be a freshman; to make new friends, have fun and probably to attend few parties; you were there to get nice memories with your friends you could laugh with when you failed embarrassingly, to gossip if the girl from the same class as you was single or actually dating your friend’s roommate, and if they would eat lunch at the cafeteria or at the fast food restaurant around the corner.

It was supposed to be simple, tiring, fun, but nonetheless hopefully the best time of your life.

At least for a guy like him, whose life had been just as it should be when he had started college two months ago. He hadn’t thought it would turn his life upside down. He had thought it was supposed to be in high school where kids were trying to find themselves and either end up to the good or the bad side.

Because Donghae was supposed to be good – and he was supposed to be bad.

“Wake up!”

He didn’t want to wake up yet. His eyelids felt like they weighted a ton – to be exact he was overall feeling like he had been hit by a truck, thrown into a car wash and rolled down a cliff.

Just five more minutes...?

“Hey casserole! We’re gonna be late!”

“Shut up, Kyuhyun...” he growled and tried to turn on his other side, crawling inside his fluffy blanket to escape the inevitable. 

“Well, class’s about to start in...” Kyuhyun mumbled and glanced at his wristwatch, “In eight minutes to be exact.”

“, , ...!” Donghae sprung out of his bed, immediately rushing to his wardrobe, tossing his Mickey Mouse t-shirt on the floor on the way changing it into a white v-neck, and it didn’t take much longer for him to get into his jeans either.

“I’m really tempted to say ‘I told you so’ again, so I’ll say it,” Kyuhyun snickered whilst he was leaning against the doorjamb of his small apartment where he had dragged his friend after he had gotten a bit too drunk yesterday night. “I told you so. You’re really something, Donghae, have you realized that yet?”

“Shut up, I’m trying to focus. Where’s my emergency-schoolbag?”

“I really thought you were one of those kids who always obediently do their homework and won’t do anything against ‘the rules’. I should’ve known better to not judge a book by its cover.”

“Cho-goddamn-Kyuhyun, where is my phone?” Donghae asked impatiently, bustling all over the living room and over the spare bed made for him once again. He had already managed to spread half of his things there since he was the one to always forget stuff behind; so to make it easier he had almost everything he needed at Kyuhyun’s place these days. Like, an emergency-schoolbag, and the rack dedicated for a bunch of his clothes – like jeans because Kyuhyun’s pants were tested and found way too small for Donghae’s to fit.

“Five minutes till Mrs. Jung starts her class...” the guy with curly, brown hair hummed while trying to figure out how their teacher would probably doom them when they’d finally appear to the class.

“Could you at least try to make this any easier for me? I’m not seriously functioning this early.”

“Who ordered you to drink so much beer yesterday?”

Donghae sighed in exasperation and took his hoodie from the backrest of the couch and swung his backpack over his shoulder, picking up his phone which notification light had been flickering from under the couch next to his made-up bed.

“You know what, Cho? I’m giving up. Let’s just go,” Donghae grunted and hurried through the door.

They might be able to make it if they’d just run for their dear lives, since Kyuhyun was fortunately living only 300 meters away from the school ground.

“Run, Forrest, run!” Kyuhyun yelled ahead of him, being the one with the longer legs when Donghae roamed between the other people on the streets, trying to keep up with the brunet.

 “Would you just shut up for once!” he shouted back, ignoring the glances of other people who kept goggling at them like they were somehow being seriously weird at eight in the morning.

“Nice bedhead,” Sungmin snickered when the two loudly panting classmates finally entered the class – and surprisingly in time.

“Don’t , he had a rough night,” the curly haired guy said teasingly, grinning wider when he saw Donghae rolling his eyes very theatrically before finally sitting down at the desk. “I just woke him up about nine minutes ago.”

“You were lucky because Mrs. Jung came to open the door before she went to get some supplies because she forgot them at the first place... She had a really hot skirt today by the way...” the blond haired male said dreamily, and it only made the two others to make wry faces.

“Seriously, Min, that’s just gross. Start crushing over people of your own age,” Kyuhyun muttered while furiously tapping a game on his phone.

“You’re just jealous, nerd.” Sungmin slung deeper into his chair, and soon enough started doodling down on the corner of his notebook and judging by the glossy look in his eyes, his mind sailed away into his own fantasies.

Donghae sighed both in boredom and tiredness, sliding his arms against the wooden material of the desk and letting his jaw rest upon them – knowing that it would only make him even more tired than he already was. But to be honest, he was quite used to it already; the frequent hangover-mornings filled with headache and slight nausea, and usually enormous hunger before the lunch break even started.

He always thought he would never end up like this, but now, he thought he could do whatever the hell he wanted, it had already happened in the blink of an eye. He still managed to get to his classes and do his homework and pass all the tests and stuff, so he wasn’t so concerned about that part of being a student. He was more concerned about the feelings that had grown pretty messed up inside him in a mere month and those had led him to parties, and drinking, and making out with random girls, and most importantly, getting the constant fight inside his head on a break.

Donghae wanted out, but the fight didn’t let him. He wanted back to the days when everything was fine and settled and clearly planned out like for most of the people. He wanted to be one of the most of the people like it had always been before.

While acknowledging the rough fact that those thoughts wouldn’t probably leave him alone today either, he brought his hands into his hair and ruffled them in frustration, only to hear how someone walked into the classroom. He automatically turned his head into the newcomer’s way, but when he noticed who it really was, he instantly regretted the gesture when he saw the lean body dressed all in black again.

The jeans were hanging low on those hips while he slid his bag on the floor, and started to take off his white sleeved baseball jacket, to reveal the quite slim-fitting t-shirt underneath. The next thing the male did was to sit down onto his seat and check out his phone, probably changing the song blasting from his earbuds.

Donghae couldn’t do else but to stare indirectly at him on row forward and one seat to the right diagonally from him. He wanted to pull his stare away, to close his eyes, shut his brains or just cut his goddamn head off. 

He hated it. He wanted to hate him.

He was so different from Donghae, and it scared him. The guy certainly had his own style. His hair was fierce red and bangs long under the black cap, when Donghae’s short hair was colored into a pretty modest golden brown – which didn’t really attract any unnecessary attention. He also had black rimmed, nerdy yet a bit hipster-ish glasses over his almond colored eyes, but even those weren’t really the thing that made him stood out from the others.

It was the tattoos.

The grayscale-colored, detailed and varied pictures along his arms – and despite his young age both of his arms were almost wholly covered in ink. You could probably say his tattoos were a beautiful mix of the old school and general tattooing–style, and he could discern at least a dozen of different things all over them. One of the subjects that really stood out was the gorgeous wolf on his bicep – and the clock and the flowers and the gorgeous background and he could go on forever.

He hated it, but he had been simply too mesmerized from the very beginning when the course had started and he had seen him attending to it. That guy and the mysterious aura had almost taken his breath away, and after that he always found himself stealing glances of him, his tattoos and truthfully almost everything he did.

Donghae had tried to ignore the ultimate attraction towards the weird guy with the tattoos, the dark glint in his eyes and the essence that just emerged from him. 

He was different; he stood out and at the same time he didn’t. He was creative, and he seemed to love everything that was related to arts. Most of the time he seemed to be listening to music and dozing off – but at the same time he seemed to be so aware about everything that was happening around him. If someone asked something from him, they didn’t need to try twice to get his attention. He didn’t smile a lot, but he wasn’t mean or neither seemed depressed or sad. He was a wallflower, yet he had to be the most magnificent one; the one which had all the interesting details and stole your attention when you really started to look at it. 

The golden brown haired male knew he was majoring in some sort of digital arts, and that his name was Hyukjae, but that was all about it. He knew nothing else, and he actually thought it was better that way.

He was supposed to hate him because Hyukjae made him think thoughts that should never have crossed his mind, but he couldn’t help it, and it only got worse when the time had passed by. At first it had been just curiosity about his looks, because he stood out. Then he had found himself engrossed on secretly staring at him, thinking about why he had gotten inked in the first place.

Why wolf? What did it meant for him? Did the wolf somehow represent himself? Was he sad? Was he intentionally a loner or did he actually have friends? (Later, Donghae had found out that he actually had few friends, so he didn’t seem exactly to be a loner or neither sad anymore to him.)  Where all the ideas for his drawings and paintings were coming from? What was he listening to? Did he prefer rock, classical or metal? Could he be listening to the top pop songs that were played on the radio? What was he thinking all day long? And those were just a pinch of all the questions that had started to fill up Donghae’s mind ever since. 

That was how dangerous Hyukjae actually was.

Donghae was shaken out from his thoughts when he felt a hard elbow between his ribs. He lifted his gaze upwards to look at Kyuhyun on his right side, who gave him a meaningful gesture with his head towards the teacher’s desk who had already returned without Donghae even noticing. He sat back up straight and side-eyed his friend who was still looking at him like he was an elephant in a porcelain store, giving him a raised eyebrow.

“Why are you dozing off for all the time these days?” Kyuhyun muttered silently to be sure that Mrs. Jung wouldn’t hear them and throw them out of the class before it had even officially started.

The question made Donghae writhe on his seat and lock his eyes on to the ever so interesting desk of his. “It’s just the headache.”

Kyuhyun had a skeptical and disapproving look on his face, but for Donghae’s luck he wasn’t able to retort back because Mrs. Jung let out a cough as a sign that she could start speaking and she would demand silence with that.

“Good morning, class. I hope you’ve all have slept better than one of your classmates—,” she started with her usual sarcastic tone, and this time she had decided to take Donghae as her target of the day. He groaned in embarrassment, well aware of the fact that he had been literally pulled straight from bed to the class. He could hear his classmates’ snickers and chuckles around and their teacher’s judging hawk-eyes upon him so he drew his hood over his tousled bedhead, hoping to disappear. “—because now it’s time for a new project! This time though, you’re going to work in pairs, so I expect you to get along with the pair I’ve chosen for everyone. And yes you heard right, I’ve decided the pairs already so you don’t need to waste our precious time for that today.” 

When she heard the students groaning, a lopsided smile appeared on her face immediately. Everyone knew by now that Mrs. Jung had to be a sadist because her smile always grew wider when she heard her students groaning and whining in frustration.

Donghae also knew that by a fact because one time she had picked him to be a model for the others to make quick sketches, and it had not been very enjoyable since she had only made him do very uncomfortable poses and stand still for unforgivable minutes to the point his legs had gone totally numb.

“So, what is this project you’re talking about Mrs. Jung? I hope I’ve been paired with you?” Sungmin suddenly asked, mischievous grin on his lips and hand brushing through his blond hair in attempt to use his ‘charms’ on their teacher. Mrs. Jung had a sheaf of papers on her hold when she turned to look at Sungmin, her eyes piercing through the young man and the bun of hair up on his occipital so tight that she resembled more like a prosecutor than a teacher.

Donghae was sure that she had been forced to become a teacher – otherwise she had actually wanted to be a teacher so she could make her students’ lives a living hell on earth.

“I’m afraid that you’ve been paired with someone else, Sungmin,” she said, and took confident steps away from the desk, handing out a paper for everyone, which consisted of three different subjects for the project for each pair. When she reached their row, and placed the paper on Sungmin’s desk and shot a ridiculed look at him, Donghae swore he could see the blond holding his breath and his cheeks getting redder. He rolled his eyes, unbelieving how their classmate could have such a huge crush for that hag who only wanted to embarrass them.

“But to answer the actual question, in this project your instrument is a camera – and any kind of camera, if you wish. You can use our school’s SLRs, your own, a web camera, tripod, your phone...as long as you’ll take pictures. You can mix different types of cameras, but be sure that the pictures will actually match in the end result. This will affect your course grade and we’ll hold an exhibition of your photos so please do smart decisions with whatever you’re photographing of.”

Donghae wasn’t listening so attentively anymore when his eyes had landed on the paper, and the three topics under the main title of the project, and most importantly, on his partner’s name beside his on top of the sheet.

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LEE DONGHAE & LEE HYUKJAE

SELF PORTRAITS

YOUNG ME / NOW ME
CHOOSE 5 PHOTOS FROM YOUR CHILDHOODS AND “RETAKE” THE PHOTOS. THE STYLE IS FREE, BUT MAKE SURE THEY’LL RESEMBLE EACH OTHER ENOUGH. A TOTAL OF 10 PHOTOS.

A DAY IN THE LIFE
SHOOT YOUR PARTNER’S WHOLE DAY IN 10 PHOTOS. TRY NOT TO STAGE YOUR PHOTOS TOO MUCH. SEEK FOR DIFFERENT EMOTIONS, MOVEMENTS AND ANGLE OF VIEW.

THE TWO
TAKE 5 PICTURES OF YOU TWO TOGETHER IN THE SAME PHOTO IN MONOCHROME.
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He could almost feel the blood disappear off from his face.

He couldn’t do this.

“You’re deadline is in 4 weeks from now. The 5th and last week of the course is dedicated for planning and preparing the exhibition. For that time you’re dismissed from this class and I hope you use your free time well to carry out your projects. The classroom and school’s supplies are free to use if needed,” Mrs. Jung said, ending the class and most of the students started to look for their designated partner, talking loudly and with a different kind of interest already.

Donghae couldn’t find the strength to move before he saw that the red head had started to collect his things and he suddenly rushed to their teacher. “Mrs. Jung!”

She was already on her way out when Donghae managed to stop her, and she gave him a criticizing glare before he was able to say a word.

“Mrs. Jung,” the brunet squeaked quietly, glancing over his supposed to be partner who stood on his place, staring back at Donghae in wonder. He quickly turned his gaze back to the woman, trying to find the right words to make a difference. “I can’t do this.”

“And why is that, Donghae? I won’t allow any exceptions,” she answered sternly, eyes narrowing in doubt.

“I can’t do this!” he hissed, but immediately shrunk in place because of Mrs. Jung’s glare of doom. “I just... Can’t I do this alone? This once?”

“No, Donghae, you can’t. If you don’t get along, you guys have to find a way to work it out. No exceptions. You’ll get a fail grade if you don’t participate.” 

“It’s not that we don’t get along, I just—“

“No exceptions,” she cut him at middle sentence, pointing her index finger painfully onto the boy’s chest, making him gulp in anxiety after she left, her heels clacking against the hallway floor. He literally wanted to wail in frustration, because he wasn’t ready for this. Hyukjae was already making his life a mess, and now even this? How was he supposed to cope up with the budding identity crisis when he should be doing a project with his terrifying male-crush? He wasn’t gay for ’s sake. 

And for ’s sake this definitely wasn’t going to help.

“Donghae...?”

He was biting his lip when he heard a voice that sent shivers coursing along his spine, which made his teeth sink into the skin even harder. He batted his eyelids furiously to avoid the tears of pain in his eyes.

“Nghh?” The sound emitting from his throat was something weird between a cough, a groan and a hum, and he wanted to care less but he felt like an idiot when the guy with dark glasses looked at him questioningly, other earbud still tucked into his ear when the other hung freely over his upper body. He couldn’t really tell what the guy wanted to say with the look on his face.

“You’re Donghae right?” he asked, a bit awkwardly, bringing his free hand that wasn’t holding onto his bag up to his nape to scratch the nonexistent itch.

“Uh,” he pulled his hood off from his head, but when he realized his hair probably looked horrible he immediately pulled it back up. “Uh, I mean, yeah. I am.”

“You’re my pair, right?”

“S-seems like it,” he stuttered, closing his eyes in disbelief for his own reactions. He didn’t know how to act, to be honest. He wasn’t sure how he wanted to be seen. Would it be better if he’d act distant with Hyukjae? But it would most likely affect his grade, and he wasn’t so sure if he wanted to fail after only two months of college. But still...it was just a course. Did it matter that much? Where was his confident self when he needed it the most?

Maybe because of the turmoil inside Donghae’s head, the look on Hyukjae’s face hardened a little, assuming that by any chance the golden brown haired boy didn’t really want to work with him. Hyukjae sighed, tilting his head to his side in slight irritation.

“You may not want to work with me, but could we at least try to produce something worthwhile? I don’t want to fail this class just because you don’t like me, and as much as I was able to hear, you don’t really want either,” Hyukjae assumed. 

He didn’t know much about Donghae, but now he seemed to be a guy who took the fun out of college parties. It was inevitable to hear about the rumors going around telling how Donghae had been drinking and making out with some freshman girls. And the alcohol also seemed to bring out a loud guy who liked to be in the center of attention and break a heart after heart with every new girl he had during the parties. Hyukjae wasn’t sure if that was exactly what Donghae really was, or if he tried to drown something else into it. At the beginning of the semester he barely had noticed him, though the first time he had seen him, he couldn’t disagree the fact that he was handsome; maybe not in the manliest way, but in the boyish, lively and adorkable way. Nowadays he wasn’t so sure anymore, although he seemed to still act pretty decent when he was in school. But when school ended and weekend started, the different Donghae usually popped out.

“So could we just—,” he exhaled heavily, his whole posture falling down a bit, “—try to stand each other for this time?”

When Donghae realized the thin shade of hurt in the slightly taller boy’s eyes, he bit his lip even though it still ached.

He wanted to say that it was not because he didn’t like him, but because he was afraid that he would start liking even more than was acceptable. Actually, he already did. That was the thing that made him struggle with the feelings and common sense constantly trying to tell him different things. He was just too much of a coward to even admit that in his fearful eyes Hyukjae was so ing gorgeous.

But sense always won over his sensibility.

“Yeah, I guess,” he muttered indifferently, leaning more of his weight onto his other foot, eyes sailing somewhere around the walls.

He really hated this, and the look in the red head’s dark eyes, because he was most definitely the cause of it. He wasn’t an in the first place, but being the freaking scaredy cat he was changed him into that.

Hyukjae pursed his lips and lifted his hand and the phone on it upwards, obviously opening the lock and tapping to find something from it.

“Well, could you give me your number or something so I can contact you?”

Donghae shrugged, and took the white phone, making sure their fingers wouldn’t brush. He wouldn’t have been able to handle that at the moment. He typed his number and returned it, still cautious about any skinship, so when Hyukjae took it he instantly pulled his hand off. He didn’t see and didn’t even want to see the frown on the other’s face.

“So, when do you think you’re free so we can get this over with?” Hyukjae asked, and when Donghae finally gave him a look he saw the biting of the plump lips and the tiredness on the guy. He felt bad, really. He wanted to ignore the ache below his skin but he couldn’t. 

The golden haired was actually free today already, but he didn’t want to face Hyukjae again today even if it was the most cowardly thing to do. “Maybe tomorrow?” he started, tucking his hands into his pockets and swaying lightly on his feet.

“I’ll text you, okay?” 

Donghae nodded. He wanted to run away. Disappear. Dig his way to China, or anything to get rid of this uncomfortable feeling that seemed to eat him alive inside. Yet he couldn’t.

“See you then. Well, bye,” the tattooed guy said, turning his gaze immediately away from Donghae who shrunk a size smaller when it was only Hyukjae’s backside anymore he was able to see.

He thought he was probably going to die because of how much it ached to act like a total head, and how much Hyukjae was able to make his heart flutter at the same time. When the male finally disappeared from his sight, he was finally able to breathe again. He swallowed audibly, hitting himself onto his thigh in frustration. While violently abusing his lip he noticed how two of his friends walked out of the classroom, bickering about something Donghae couldn’t care at the moment.

When Kyuhyun and Sungmin finally noticed him, the taller of the two raised his eyebrow, surprised because of Donghae’s essence that radiated something very confusing even to him.

“What’s your problem?”

“Nothing,” Donghae growled quietly, “Let’s just go eat. I’m starving.” He actually wanted to eat a load of just anything – most preferably a bucket of ice cream and hide under a blanket and watch stupid cartoons for the rest of the day.

“Sure...?” Kyuhyun mumbled back, sharing a look with the blond beside him.

“Guess who I got as my pair?” Sungmin babbled enthusiastically after the few tensed minutes had passed.

“Who?” Donghae asked, though he wasn’t a bit interested in the answer to be honest.

“This nerd here, can you believe it?” Sungmin laughed, and took Kyuhyun in the hook of his arm, ruffling his head and making the other groan. “Who’s yours?”

“Lee ing Hyukjae.”