TITLE [3/5]: hmm, it really isn't attractive/ strong enough to bring in readers. Your title is pretty unique, I haven't seen this kind of title before but it just dosen't grab attention. it dosen't give out anything nor hints about the story and it did gave out maybe some tiny, little mysteriousness out but it was not attractive enough. 

DESCRIPTION & FOREWORD [5/10]: the foreword was confusing. i'm sorry, i don't get what they were talking about. you should describe their surroundings/ where they were at , what they were saying and who were they more clearly. the description was just fine, nothing caught my attention but the last one, staying is optional, leaving is unstoppable. so angsty. and here, his sentence was a bit strange:

(original): the words echoed again, causing Luhan to freeze up.                                                                                                                                         (revised): the words echoed again, causing Luhan to freeze.

 → no need to add the 'up' behind freeze. freeze means freeze, and up means up. combining both of them together makes no meaning. no sense. it is not necessary to add the 'up'.

GRAPHICS [10/10]: oh my glob. no. why so angsty? i was thinking 'this story better be angsty enough' when looking at the poster. the poster really really brought out the 'angsty' feeling and i applaud you for picking such a amazing designer to make the poster! the background was beautiful as well.

CHARACTERIZATION [6/10]: their personalities were quite normal and belivable. its just that.. their characterization are not appealing and attractive enough. It didn't really made me immersed into your story completely because thats what normal people would act- both fantasy and the real world. some would expect how the story will turn out already. this is a fanfiction. maybe you should think out of the box more and make their personalities wilder, or maybe even more then what i- what the readers expected. nowadays you need some plot twists to bring down readers. but that's not really necessary if you manage to put a cliché plot into a fantastic outcome.

PLOT [29/40]: i say this plot is not entirely original, but it has some unique points/ scenes in it to back it all up, making the readers enjoying the story. but I suggest you give more details about jaemi's background and yixing's surgery. you didn't seem to describe how the surgery went and I was confused a little at the end of the story. i was debating whether yixing undergo the surgery or not. its a bit too fast jaemi suddenly popped out of nowhere and took yixing away. it happened in a flash, and i can't register all those things properly in my head. you may have to describe yixing's surgery a bit more because i was confused when you said yixing lost his memories. i was thinking when did he lost his memories anyway? and then oh, it hit me. he did undergo the surgery but the surgery part was too short, making me forget temporaily that yixing even had a surgery.

CONSISTENCY [3.45/5]: i don't find any problems here, except that sometimes your grammar mistakes killed the flow. also, the ending did happened a bit too fast and I was like what? Its over already? other then that, there's no major problem with the consistency of your story. 

GRAMMAR & WRITING STYLE [8/15]: i love your writing style. it is close to perfection but it is close to unperfection too. your grammar is okay, but there is some mistakes. you have a little problem with your past tense and present tense. sometimes, your use/ choice of words affected the flow and i have to stop and reread the sentence again.

(original): meanwhile, xiumin shoot him with his serious look. "mind to talk?"                                                                                                              (revised): meanwhile, xiumin shot him a serious look, "mind to talk?"

(original): "what is this?" xiumin widen his eyes.                                                                                                                                                                    (revised): "what is this?" xiiumin widened his eyes.

 → the whole story is in past tense, so why not 'shoot' and 'widen'?

(original): "stop avoiding me. just tell if i did wrong." xiumin said..                                                                                                                                  (revised): "stop avoiding me. just tell me if i did something wrong."

 → 'just tell if i did wrong'. okay, this sentence here will make some of the readers confuse. first of all, tell who? you are not stating clearly that yixing should tell who if xiumin did something wrong. second, 'if i did wrong' means xiumin did do something wrong. but your sentence clearly said 'if'. that means he didn't do anything wrong. he was afraid he did something wrong, so when he was asking yixing, the 'if' word is there. therefore you should add the word 'something' between did and wrong.

(original): luhan out his trust on him..                                                                                                                                                                                     (revised): luhan put his trust in him..

 → your sentence says luhan put his trust on him. your technically saying that he put his trust on his head. no, that's incorrect. you can't see trust. trust is a kind of feeling you bring out when you want to believe in/ depend on someone. saying that  he put his trust in him is more appropriate.

(original): "what a stupid jokes!" luhan chirped in.                                                                                                                                                                                    (revised): "what stupid jokes!" luhan chirped. 

 → 'a' is use for singular words like 'a dog', 'a flower' etc. 'jokes' is plural though, that means it's more then one joke. you can't use what 'a' stupid jokes because that is incorrect. either you type 'what a stupid joke' or 'what stupid jokes'. but since in your previous sentences you already mentioned 'jokes', so i guess you have to go with 'what stupid jokes'. and you can't use luhan 'chirped in', because in the previous sentences, luhan is already in the conversation with lu fei an, so there's no need to add 'in'.

OVER-ALL ENJOYMENT [4/5]: i did enjoyed the story. but your plot was pretty common and i kind of expected what will happen in the story as i read. as i said before, think out of the box more. don't just let them be the people we now see in some drama cliché scenes, make them more appealing. and you have to make the emotions deeper; express the sadness more. describe the sadness more. make the story more sad, more angsty and more cruel if you want. it has to be a sad or shocking plot to be a angst story. at least.

TOTAL SCORE: [68.45/100]; → GRADE B-

reviewer's notes

um. hihihihi. is it too harsh? then punch me or throw me a brick. and thank you for requesting here.~ comment below or pm me of something i said/ typed above confused you!

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