▲YuukiHikari

▲the blackened reviews [O]

TITLE [4/5]: curiosity kills the cat. the hangul words you put in the title sparked my interest and i won't hesitate to click the title to proceed to your story. it is kinda long that you added the 'one dance' behind 1개의 춤 but nevertheless, with the hangul words it still caught my attention. the title didn't give  anything away, which is a good thing. i couldn't exactly feel anything from the title, weather it's sad, angst etc. when i read the request/review form you filled in, in the 'genre' part you wrote: angst, tragedy. i didn't feel anything from the title, maybe you should change it to 'one last dance' to make it sound more angsty? but then again, it's just my opinion.

DESCRIPTION & FOREWORD [8/10]: the description sounds/looks quite desperate. and i wondered why should he dance, and why will everything is lost to flames? foreword sounds even more desperate, sad. i could feel the 'angsty' feeling from the foreword already. there are slight grammar problems and that's why i minus some marks. english isn't your first language, is it?

(original): ..lips, and the tears his eyes had started building up began trailing down his cheeks and onto the ground.                                     (revised) :   ..lips; the tears his eyes had started gathering began trailing down his cheeks and fell onto the ground.

→ using 'building up' is quite awkward to read in the sentence. and the way you used '..trailing down his cheeks and onto the ground', it felt like you're describing the tears are connected to the ground, which is incorrect.

GRAPHICS [7/10]: before reading the contents in the story, 'one dance' made me felt like this fic is about some party- going to a school prom, business party etc. i can't say the graphics is very very good, but the blurred spots behind Taehyung made a great impact on me. it's quite suitable, actually. it brings out the 70s(?) feels. it's not really a good idea to put the background grey though.. other then that, the appearance is good.

CHARACTERIZATION [7/10]: jungkook.. he's such an innocent kid in this story. i wasn't able to understand taehyung's personality much, he needed to be described more. no? anyway, their characteristics were brilliant! i love how you described jungkook so innocent and guliable like some 5 year old, and taehyung- the almost silent one in the story.

PLOT [36/40]: it amazed me. the mansion- you made it sound so mysterious, so majestic, so.. surreal. the remains of the mansion? i literally gasped at the sentence, it's just so, cool. and i understood the story until the very end- right now, before you go... let's dance! it's just so heart-breaking, i almost cried there. taehyung didn't get to dance with Jungkook, and Jungkook fading away like that.. sigh; 

CONSISTENCY [3.5/5]: it was a little too fast. i mean, the flames, the burning mansion and all that- it happened so fast. you should add some other conversations or interaction between taehyung and jungkook more before the accident happened. and maybe letting the side characters show their appearance a bit more?

GRAMMAR & WRITING STYLE [9/15]: since english is not your first language, there are quite a few grammar mistakes here and there. you have beta-readers? but they are still some mistakes though. and i think you had overused some words.

(original): when he finally did slow down, taehyung turned to look around, almost mechanically searching out the grove of flow.. (revised) : when he finally slowed down, taehyung turned to look around, almost mechanically searching out the grove of flow..

→ 'finally' is almost the same meaning as 'did', so you didn't need to repeat the same action again. as you can see, the whole story is in past tense and 'slow' must be in past tense, too.

(original): he shoved people aside roughly, not stopping to apologize.                                                                                                                     (revised): he shoved people aside roughly, not bothering to apologize.                                                                                                                     

(original): there was no way.. another scream ripped through the darkening sky, cutting taehyung like a knife.                                                 (revised) :  there was no way.. another scream ripped through the darkening sky, cutting taehyung's heart like a knife.                      

→ well.. you can't cut taehyung using a knife into half, right? it's not very approriate to say 'cutting taehyung like a knife'. the scream that taehyung heard basiaclly hurt taehyung, because maybe that scream was someone he cared, and therefore you should describe taehyung's interior- his heart how hurt he was, not his exterior- his whole body.

OVER-ALL ENJOYMENT [4.5/5]: i enjoyed this story very much. it had been so long i hadn't seen an innocent and childish-like kookie.. the plot was amazing and the whole story was heart-brokenly sweet and sad. i still can't accept the fact that taehyung didn't dance with/for jungkook though. 

 

TOTAL SCORE: [79/100]; → GRADE B

 

reviewer's notes

thank you for requesting at the blackened~. pm me or comment below if something i said/typed confused you. k bye.

“ hey you, what's your dream? ”

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aiyaya0312
2/8/2014; Dohyeonju review finished!

Comments

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snowflake16
#1
I've requested^^
Dohyeonju
#2
Chapter 5: ah did i miss something here? I just googled up and found this.... have I credit you in foreword for this review?
Terrachipzx
#4
Requested. ^^
Thanks! :3
searchingmyself
#5
Requested for a review
thank you:)
marmalody
#6
Requested ^^
creamcoloured-
#7
Requested!
--tiamo #8
I've requested~
-goodbyehello
#9
Chapter 4: I've requested