I actually wrote this a loong time ago, back when it all started.

Itallicized are song lyrics.

So many are the things you'll never know.

The classic love story: a man and a woman, destined to be together and they do end up together, no matter how much fate toys with them.

But the real love stories are unidentifiable unless you know where to look- the slightest flicker in the eye, the ghosts of words in too much silence. Maybe it's a man and a man, destined to be together, but somewhere, one's thread of fate split, frayed and branched off, entangling somewhere else. The thread can never break, but it can change and destiny means nothing. And it's not even a love story anymore.

 

How many times does a butterfly blink before it learns to fly?

When Kris left, Tao was the one who vented his anger and betrayal on every social media site. He was the one who let out his pain in choked songs, streaming out of the practice room and crying into the empty night.

 

Your tears are like a downpour, shattered on the ground.
 

But Lay was the one who was hurt the most.

Yifan and Yixing were one, more so than the other ten. Fanxing- they were the stars in the sky, shining brightly together. He was the support, someone Yixing could always count on, lean back on. They're best friends, brothers, soulmates.

They were yi, they were one.

Were. Past tense.

He remembered when they read “48 Hours” together and he knew that if they were ever really put in that situation, he would sacrifice himself without a second's hesitation.

But there would be no need anymore. Everything was past tense.

His life was now split into two: before and after.

Because Wu Yifan left.
 

The sky is sprinkled with stars, but how many will land on Earth?

 

Maybe he had left a long time ago, forced out by the cold image the company decided for him. But sometimes, in between interviews, in the dorm late at night, in the airport pressed against each other by the mob of fans, Yixing felt like the person next to him was still the Wu Yifan he had befriended during trainee years.

And really, that person was only a shred of Li Jiaheng, and all these thoughts and maybes and personas gave Yixing a bitter taste in his mouth and a cold hard lump in his stomach.

He should've known, he should've realized. Looking back, the tired eyes and half-hearted laughs screamed at him. But he didn't know, and he hated it.

Yifan should've told him, should've been more obvious, but he knew that was asking for too much.

 

I'm flying, but you're falling.

 

Actually, if he wanted to be specific, Yifan didn't leave. He stayed where he was and the group went back to Korea without their leader, Yixing without his other half.

He called him after that, ready to say everything, but when he heard that familiar voice, he opened his mouth and nothing came out. There were too many words running through his mind and none of them could describe what he felt.

“Hello?”

He wished that he could shove the ball of confusion, pain, betrayal and anger through the phone so that the other could understand.

“Yixing, say something.”

He closed his mouth and opened it again.

“Please.”

He didn't know why Yifan was begging him. He didn't know why he was calling. He didn't know why this was happening. But he knew why his heart clenched and seemed to stop beating. It hurt.

“Explain,” he finally forced out.

But the other end of the phone fell silent. He could hear the beginnings of justifications, but not the explanation, the comforting words that he desperately wanted.

 

You're so close, I can still hear you breathe.

He hung up, leaned against the wall, and closed his eyes.


 

You don't know why I left, insisting on not telling and letting you cry.
 

Yixing was the main dancer, in the middle of the formation, but now the center felt off. The songs were missing in harmony and he couldn't perform, couldn't concentrate, couldn't breathe.

The poster for their first solo concert only had eleven boys and it was just so wrong.

And amongst the eleven, no one brought it up. It was the unspoken secret- almost tangible as it hung over them- a suffocating woolen cloak.

When the day of the concert came, the line was too short and the introductions were too brief. There was no “Hello, I'm Kris from the galaxy” at the end, someone else was doing the rapping and the silver ocean seemed to be a little dimmer. They were finally realizing their dream, but Yifan wasn't there and Yixing was alone.
 

You don't know why I made my decision, circling in the sky out of sight.

He really was gone.

Yixing had pushed aside and sorted through the cacophony of emotions and that fact- the weight of what it meant- finally dawned on him.

It was the story behind every love song, every depressing quote. It was worse than unrequited love and worse than lost love because it never ended but couldn't continue. He was left hanging and there was no reprieve.
 

He had to smile everyday, repeating his “Hello, I'm the healing unicorn Lay” and pretending as if nothing had changed. Maybe if he tried hard enough, he could forget the star that shone the brightest in his life. Maybe if he never stopped trying, the giant with the gummy smile and awkwardly endearing personality would just be another faceless, nameless stranger. But it was so hard and so tiring. He wished that it was all a dream, but he would wake up, and the dorm would be missing someone.

His life was missing someone, and he didn't care how sappy it sounded, because it was true and it was horrible.
 

They were entwined but the knot had loosened and now they went their separate ways. Yifan would make his own path and Yixing would keep going. They would never go back, they would never understand and they would never know what had happened or what could have happened. Because fate was a joke and forever afters only happened in stories.

 

I'm sorry. I couldn't hold onto you.

There's still another chapter, but I think I'll post it tomorrow. Does anyone even care?